I should have known better

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom is an undiagnosed BPD.  I'm the oldest of 3, and I was always her target.  My sister faded into the background, my brother is the prince, and I was the "bad" one.  Thank goodness I had my dad & gram to help me through the really bad days, and to tell me that I'm really not bad, "She just doesn't know how to deal with you.".

Anyway, after leaving home, getting married, and having children of my own, I realized that I didn't want my unhealthy relationship with my FOO to affect my sons or affect the kind of mom I wanted to be.  Therapy, therapy, therapy helped me to realize that I could do nothing about the crazy actions of my mom or those who are her underlings.  But, I learned how to set boundries for myself, my husband, and my boys.  I didn't have contact with my mom and very limited contact with bro and sis for almost a year.  The most peaceful time of my life.

So, fast forward to now.  My mom, after my dad passed away, became involved with this creep who moved in with her, spent all the money my dad worked so hard for, and when the money was gone, became verbally abusive and displayed escalating erratic behavior toward my mom. 

I have oldest child "helper" syndrome, and I'm an RN, so I helped her get rid of him.  It was no small feat. Eviction hearings, orders of protection, spending weeks packing his stuff up and overseeing him collect his belongings were a small portion of the process.  I also tended her emotional wounds, helped organize her finances, and performed tasks that were too emotional for her to handle. 

She drove me bananas the whole time.  She was helpless, always too tired to lift a finger, had an excuse for everything, and let me (and eventually my sister) do all her work.  I neglected my own family, thank goodness my husband is super supportive.  I'm in grad school and I teach- I wasn't on top of either and I felt really bad about it.  I even postponed my own doctor visits.

I didn't expect much in return.  I know better.  But I didn't expect her to turn me into "the bad one" again.  After a night with no sleep due to our dogs freaking out from thunder, I went to my 95 year old gram's house to help out.  I do this routinely, and she counts on me for certain things, so I didn't want to cancel.  My mom was there when I got there, and she barked out some orders, then plopped herself on the couch.  While I was running around, I asked her to do a simple task in order to save me some time (sleep please).  She said,"I'm too tired" & closed her eyes for a nap.

I said, "You are not the only one who is tired.". My tone was not nice - I was cranky.  But, I knew that I couldn't talk to her, so I went outside to finish my work, not intending to go back in.  I put my purse in the car and planned to leave when I was done.  After a while, she came outside & started yelling at me.  "I'm tired", "I'm old", "I had to take a Valium" (for what, I have no idea)

I was not nice to her, but I didn't say much.  I finished what I was doing, cleaned up, and left.  Thing is, my mom is counting on sis, bro, & me to travel (on our own dime) to help her move furniture from another state to her home here in a few weeks.  (leftover problem from the creep)

I don't know if I can go.  I feel bad because I did comit and make plans, but she has left me drained.  There were other things she did over the past few weeks, but I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I dread my sis calling me and berating me for not going- but I dread going even more. 

Why did I let myself get pulled back in?  I feel it affecting my relationship with my boys.  I'm not as present as I usually am because I feel overwhelmed by what may happen.  I was so good at healthy boundries for so long.  How did I let them slip? How did I let her back into my mind?  How do I take my brain real-estate back again?  I don't like this feeling of dread, and I don't like that she made me feel "less than" again.  My biggest concern is how this may affect my boys, and my relationship with my husband.  I can't let this consume me like she used to before therapy helped me figure some things out. 

When you let the genie out of the bottle again, how hard is it to get it back in?  How long will I feel this anxiety?  Arggh!  My old therapist retired, so I need to interview new ones.  In the meantime, I hope I can remember how I found the strength.  Although, if I just look at my boys, I find a really good reason to figure it out.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I needed to get that out.  I may need to get out more tomorrow.  Thanks in advance.

Daisybird

[Daisybird]

My mom is an undiagnosed BPD.  I'm the oldest of 3, and I was always her target.  My sister faded into the background, my brother is the prince, and I was the "bad" one.  Thank goodness I had my dad & gram to help me through the really bad days, and to tell me that I'm really not bad, "She just doesn't know how to deal with you.".

Anyway, after leaving home, getting married, and having children of my own, I realized that I didn't want my unhealthy relationship with my FOO to affect my sons or affect the kind of mom I wanted to be.  Therapy, therapy, therapy helped me to realize that I could do nothing about the crazy actions of my mom or those who are her underlings.  But, I learned how to set boundries for myself, my husband, and my boys.  I didn't have contact with my mom and very limited contact with bro and sis for almost a year.  The most peaceful time of my life.

So, fast forward to now.  My mom, after my dad passed away, became involved with this creep who moved in with her, spent all the money my dad worked so hard for, and when the money was gone, became verbally abusive and displayed escalating erratic behavior toward my mom. 

I have oldest child "helper" syndrome, and I'm an RN, so I helped her get rid of him.  It was no small feat. Eviction hearings, orders of protection, spending weeks packing his stuff up and overseeing him collect his belongings were a small portion of the process.  I also tended her emotional wounds, helped organize her finances, and performed tasks that were too emotional for her to handle. 

She drove me bananas the whole time.  She was helpless, always too tired to lift a finger, had an excuse for everything, and let me (and eventually my sister) do all her work.  I neglected my own family, thank goodness my husband is super supportive.  I'm in grad school and I teach- I wasn't on top of either and I felt really bad about it.  I even postponed my own doctor visits.

I didn't expect much in return.  I know better.  But I didn't expect her to turn me into "the bad one" again.  After a night with no sleep due to our dogs freaking out from thunder, I went to my 95 year old gram's house to help out.  I do this routinely, and she counts on me for certain things, so I didn't want to cancel.  My mom was there when I got there, and she barked out some orders, then plopped herself on the couch.  While I was running around, I asked her to do a simple task in order to save me some time (sleep please).  She said,"I'm too tired" & closed her eyes for a nap.

I said, "You are not the only one who is tired.". My tone was not nice - I was cranky.  But, I knew that I couldn't talk to her, so I went outside to finish my work, not intending to go back in.  I put my purse in the car and planned to leave when I was done.  After a while, she came outside & started yelling at me.  "I'm tired", "I'm old", "I had to take a Valium" (for what, I have no idea)

I was not nice to her, but I didn't say much.  I finished what I was doing, cleaned up, and left.  Thing is, my mom is counting on sis, bro, & me to travel (on our own dime) to help her move furniture from another state to her home here in a few weeks.  (leftover problem from the creep)

I don't know if I can go.  I feel bad because I did comit and make plans, but she has left me drained.  There were other things she did over the past few weeks, but I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I dread my sis calling me and berating me for not going- but I dread going even more. 

Why did I let myself get pulled back in?  I feel it affecting my relationship with my boys.  I'm not as present as I usually am because I feel overwhelmed by what may happen.  I was so good at healthy boundries for so long.  How did I let them slip? How did I let her back into my mind?  How do I take my brain real-estate back again?  I don't like this feeling of dread, and I don't like that she made me feel "less than" again.  My biggest concern is how this may affect my boys, and my relationship with my husband.  I can't let this consume me like she used to before therapy helped me figure some things out. 

When you let the genie out of the bottle again, how hard is it to get it back in?  How long will I feel this anxiety?  Arggh!  My old therapist retired, so I need to interview new ones.  In the meantime, I hope I can remember how I found the strength.  Although, if I just look at my boys, I find a really good reason to figure it out.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I needed to get that out.  I may need to get out more tomorrow.  Thanks in advance.

Daisybird

[Kwamina]

Hi Daisybird  

Yes these BPD moms are very draining indeed! I understand why you feel that you should have known better, but we all make mistakes and it isn't easy seeing your mother in trouble, even if she's a BPD mom. So I understand why you did what you did to help her. This time things will be different I think. All your experiences, the therapy you've had, the fact that you're an adult now who doesn't live with her anymore and the support from your husband and kids are all factors that put you in a much stronger position in dealing with your mother. Not to mention this great website you've come to

[Being Mindful]

Hello Daisybird,



I'm so glad you found us and sorry that things are so rough right now. Good news is that you are here. I found so much hope in this site between the resources and the people.

I was really struck by your post. You have done so well in taking care of yourself, your husband and kids. Good for you and good for you for seeking therapy initially and again now. Growing up with a BPD mom is a really difficult thing. I don't have experience with that, my daughter has BPD but I have read others posts here. Plus, my husband's best friend was raised by a BPDmom.

You are asking yourself some great questions. Have you read these books?

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Understanding the Borderline Mother

On this site we have many more resources to help adult children of borderline parents. Here is a good link:

COMMUNICATION: Medium Chill - respond, don't react

Have you talked to your sister or brother about not going? What does your husband think?

Again welcome. Keep posting and reading. We are here to help.

Being Mindful

[Daisybird]

Thanks Kwamina.  I already know that I am dealing with it better, but I am upset that I let myself get here in the first place.  It's my nature to be a helper- so it wasn't a question whether or not I would help her or not.  I think that's why I was always in the "bad one" role.  From various comments over the years, she has let me know that she thinks I expect everyone to be "as perfect as you are".  Not true, first of all- I am far from perfect- and second- I don't expect much from her or FOO. 

She also has expressed jealousy? over my relationship with my husband, in-laws, career, and lifestyle.  I think she knows that she tends to be lazy and is threatened by my tendency to not be lazy and willingness to lend a hand.  So even though she knew I would help her through her rough spot, now she is remembering who I am, what she tells the world (or whoever will listen) who she is, and what is the actual reality.  It threatens the "Jackie Onasis" reality she created in her mind when she is exposed to me. (DH and I started calling her Jackie O a long time ago- we do it when she displays crazy delusional behavior.  In her world, she is at a perpetual fancy cocktail party, and everyone is enraptured by her tales of grandeur and philanthropy- so far from the truth!)   So, it is easier for her to make me "the bad one" than to actually deal with her faults.

I re-read what I just wrote- and wow! do I sound perfect, or what?  I don't want to make myself sound like I have everything figured out, that I do everything right, and that I am always in control.  I do not.  I have gotten better at a lot of these things, but I will forever be on a journey making myself better.  I used to react to her all the time- I felt that I needed to protect my bro and sis when we were young, and her injustices were inexcusable to my young mind.  I'm better at not reacting now, but I'm far from perfect.  I'm not completely lazy-free either.  I have my moments (sometimes days) when I take mental health breaks and do things with little or no value. 

But I do have a constant feeling (need?) that I need to give back- so I really am a helper.  When I was a kid, I had a few good people around that helped me retain a little self-worth.  When I was in nursing school, I had no money (of course bro and sis were financed), and some of the nurses I worked with paid for my nursing school tuition instead of letting me wait a few more semesters to save money and finish up.  My husband and in-laws have become my true family- supportive in every way, treat me with real respect, and they are always there for me no matter what- as I am for them.  So, I feel that due to the blessings in my life, it's only right that I give back when I can. 

I think BPD mom sees this as a threat instead of what I would feel if I saw my boys helping others- pride.  Even though I have been through tons of therapy, there are some things I don't know how I will understand.  Your mom is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and softest place to land.   How does a mom not want to be that for her child?  How does a mother look at a child and believe that child to be a threat?  How can a mom berate her child for qualities that other mothers would brag about? 

I know I didn't have that growing up, and I know I won't have that, ever.  I've mourned this loss, but I don't think I will ever understand it.  Mostly, I deal with it well, but sometimes it gets to me. 

Wow, I wrote a lot again.  Thanks again for your support, and for letting me vent some more.  This is a great place for children of BPD moms.  I know that just reading other's posts and knowing that support is out there has helped me in just these few days. 

And thanks again in advance for supporting my future ventings!

Daisybird

[Daisybird]

Being Mindful,

I did read those books a long time ago, maybe it's time to pull them out and re-read them. 

I couldn't access that link you posted.  It takes me to a page that says the page is missing or may be off limits to me.

"The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you."

It seems like something I would be very interested in reading.  Is there another link? 

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have a BPD daughter.  Wow, how do you do it?  I can (on most days) just walk away from my BPD mom, and I'm not legally responsible for her in any way.  How do you handle trying to support a child you love, want the very best for, want to support in every way, who is BPD?  My heart goes out to you.  My eyes are tearing thinking about the struggles you must go through.  I haven't read your older posts (yet), but knowing what my BPD mom is like, I don't know how I would handle that behavior from my child.  I try to be the mom for my boys that I never had.  I try to be their biggest cheerleader and their softest place to land while guiding them down a healthy, happy life path. Like most moms, I love my boys unconditionally- I imagine that you love your daughter unconditionally, but need to set firm boundaries, and be able to shut her out at times.  I'll read your older posts, but know that I feel for you. 

And thanks again for the support- and for supporting my future vents!

Daisybird

[DaughterofDD]

I re-read what I just wrote- and wow! do I sound perfect, or what?  I don't want to make myself sound like I have everything figured out, that I do everything right, and that I am always in control.  I do not.  I have gotten better at a lot of these things, but I will forever be on a journey making myself better.  I used to react to her all the time- I felt that I needed to protect my bro and sis when we were young, and her injustices were inexcusable to my young mind.  I'm better at not reacting now, but I'm far from perfect.  I'm not completely lazy-free either.  I have my moments (sometimes days) when I take mental health breaks and do things with little or no value. 

But I do have a constant feeling (need?) that I need to give back- so I really am a helper.  When I was a kid, I had a few good people around that helped me retain a little self-worth.  When I was in nursing school, I had no money (of course bro and sis were financed), and some of the nurses I worked with paid for my nursing school tuition instead of letting me wait a few more semesters to save money and finish up.  My husband and in-laws have become my true family- supportive in every way, treat me with real respect, and they are always there for me no matter what- as I am for them.  So, I feel that due to the blessings in my life, it's only right that I give back when I can. 

I think BPD mom sees this as a threat instead of what I would feel if I saw my boys helping others- pride.  Even though I have been through tons of therapy, there are some things I don't know how I will understand.  Your mom is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and softest place to land.   How does a mom not want to be that for her child?  How does a mother look at a child and believe that child to be a threat?  How can a mom berate her child for qualities that other mothers would brag about? 

This is exactly where I am in my journey; I could have written what you said above word for word.  I really don't have much to offer you other than to say that I too am having an incredibly difficult time wrapping my mind around the difference between how I feel/what I think about my girls and how my uBPDm feels/thinks about me.   

[Daisybird]

Daughter,

When I think about the love I have for my boys, I can't imagine how any mother could think differently about her children.  I can't imagine not needing to protect them from harm, encouraging them, and celebrating their successes.  My strong maternal instincts make it very difficult for me to understand how a mother could not want to do these things. 

I think that being mindful of who I am and what I mean to my boys and husband are what keep me strong.  Sometimes it hurts to know that I didn't have the mom I needed, but I know that I am the mom my boys need.  That makes me happy.