Venting

[me757]

I've been broken up with my uexBPDgf for 6 months now. It's been a bad 6 months in regards to detaching. She got engaged within 3 months of dating new guy. Her and I still continued to have somewhat of a romantic relationship until I blew it up a few weeks after she got engaged (mid April).

Her sister told me that the guy found out and took away her ring for a night and then they made up and the marriage is still on. I had stayed LC and hadn't seen her till last week for the first time in a month. I was an idiot to think that this was an ok idea. First it was obvious she still likes me. She said that she is still in love with me and another ex. She tried to kiss me and sadly I did - alcohol was involved. Then she revealed that her fiancee is living with her now. I snapped out of it and drove her home immediately. This is like an addiction and after about 5 weeks I relapsed for about 4 hours.

She called me up the next day and said that he found out we were together and they had a fight. I don't understand this guy. I think part of the reason I get so mad is that he keeps forgiving her bs. She apparently had no recollection of us kissing, which must be part of her extreme distorted reality. I told her and she said "I'm trying to get better about that kind of stuff... . " Like it should be that hard not to cheat? She told me she told her fiancee that he has to accept that I will always be in her life someway. I didn't say anything at the time because I know I don't want her apart of my life.

I know the answer to this problem. It is complete NC.

I still feel messed up after 6 months. I feel like I'm obsessed with being successful now but more so out of a bruised ego sort of way. What is also really hard is that she was pretty much my first significant relationship and now I feel like I don't even know how to approach other ones. I don't have any others to base anything on. I've been talking with a few girls and I'm worried that without an idealization phase, it might never be the same.

[me757]

Looking at the 5 stages of Detachment on the right of the page, I guess I'm not even in the Creative Action stage because my drive to become better is still fueled by anger/frustration/sadness caused by her.

[Octoberfest]

You are right- you do know the answer.  You just haven't gotten to the point of accepting it as the truth.  I have been there and JUST got out of it.

My dBPDex and I always knew that our relationship with eachother would be one of extremes- we would either be romantically involved/dating or not speaking.  We didn't know how to be just be friends.  I think the same can be said for you and your ex.  An important thing to note here is that the weakness is NOT just on the part of pwBPD.  It takes two to tango, and us NON's make a DECISION in going back or getting involved again.  We may not have control over our SO having BPD, but we DO have control over our own actions.

This is a big problem BPD's face- they are often unable to set boundaries with people.  Healthy people can relegate certain people to certain roles- the one person that they are involved with romantically, others who are simply and purely friends, others who have malintent and are to be avoided.  All of those lines are blurry for people with BPD.

You ask "Like it should be that hard not to cheat?"... . I have driven myself up a wall asking myself and my dBPDex the same questions.  It was a constant occurance during our time together.  The answer is, no, it SHOULDN'T be.  But for a lot of BPD's it IS.  This is where we see the differences between a healthy person and an unhealthy one.


You have all the answers here man.  You know the way it has to be.  The hard part now is really believing yourself when you tell yourself it. Coming to accept it as the way it is.

[laelle]

I dunno me757,

I find myself floating back and forth between them.  One day I will feel free and the next day I will be barely able to acknowledge and accept its over.

I think emotions come and go.  We just have to strap ourselves in and take one day at a time.  Its ok to feel like crap one day, just as its ok to feel on top of the world the next.  

Dont beat yourself up about breaking NC, it happens. You failed at nothing. The control of your life is still in your hands.  Continue on... .  Im sure that after 6 months seeing that her life is still chaotic probably gives you more determination to continue with going NC.  Maybe you did yourself a favor.

I dont even check up on my ex like I have done with him for so many years.  I will either find nothing, or the fact that he has moved on.  Neither is very interesting for me.

I have worked too hard to let someones memory keep me from moving forward.  

My world did not end when he left.  It sucks, it hurts, and I cry, but im still here.


Laelle

[me757]

Sometimes I think the nons who are painted black and ditched have it way better. At least they aren't engaged every week or so. Right now I'm 6 days NC so here we go again. If she contacts me again I'm going to try my best to just not respond. On the bright side, the NC stints are getting longer each time.

[Octoberfest]

Sometimes I think the nons who are painted black and ditched have it way better. At least they aren't engaged every week or so. Right now I'm 6 days NC so here we go again. If she contacts me again I'm going to try my best to just not respond. On the bright side, the NC stints are getting longer each time.

And that is called progress