He has ended it

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is the topic I never wanted to have to write about.

I am utterly heartbroken.

I had dinner with him on Friday and we talked normally. He latched onto a subject to do with my finances that caused him to decide I was lying to him and that is what he has always suspected and that is why he has been behaving the way he has (we never even discussed my issues) He said he was re-thinking the r/s. This is all rubbish of course factually although obviously it was real feelings to him. We resolved this and I stayed over and all was fine before we slept.

He awoke as ever deciding that nothing was resolved  He invited me to his mothers. As we travelled I could see he was very unstable. A friend here has suggested his symptons have reached dissosociation now. He was terrible at his mothers, ignoring us, staring into space and eventually raged at her. I went into the garden for an hour so I couldn't hear it and to give them some privacy. She handled it well. I was very concerned about him. He calmed down after going for a walk alone and we went into the garden. He told me he “needed space” wanted to “end things” (He said that ending it with me is the only way he can get space) alternating between the two things. I took the space part to be the predominant message. I was very upset but didn’t react.

On our return home he ended our relationship.

I called his mother and we had a long, open chat about his behaviours. She thinks he is having a nervous breakdown. He also told her today he wanted to cut her out of his life until he is ready to resume contact. He said the same to his father a few weeks ago. He talked to her of running away on holiday alone where no-one knows where he is. His bad episodes have escalated since he stopped his anti-depressants in March. His mother and I have agreed to his request that we don't contact him. His mother said we needed to ride the storm.

I am devastated. The bizarre thing is that it didn’t feel like it was “him” that ended it, it felt like it was someone that looked like him but wasn’t him. I have not seen him like this before. He said when he is like this he cannot think of anyone else's feelings except his own.

Excuse my brief and undetailed post, am writing this at 5am. There is so much more to this that happened but I wanted to come on here and tell you guys.

I really tried so hard with him – at least all of you I have spoken to on here know that even if he doesn’t.

[connect]

This is the topic I never wanted to have to write about.

I am utterly heartbroken.

I had dinner with him on Friday and we talked normally. He latched onto a subject to do with my finances that caused him to decide I was lying to him and that is what he has always suspected and that is why he has been behaving the way he has (we never even discussed my issues) He said he was re-thinking the r/s. This is all rubbish of course factually although obviously it was real feelings to him. We resolved this and I stayed over and all was fine before we slept.

He awoke as ever deciding that nothing was resolved  He invited me to his mothers. As we travelled I could see he was very unstable. A friend here has suggested his symptons have reached dissosociation now. He was terrible at his mothers, ignoring us, staring into space and eventually raged at her. I went into the garden for an hour so I couldn't hear it and to give them some privacy. She handled it well. I was very concerned about him. He calmed down after going for a walk alone and we went into the garden. He told me he “needed space” wanted to “end things” (He said that ending it with me is the only way he can get space) alternating between the two things. I took the space part to be the predominant message. I was very upset but didn’t react.

On our return home he ended our relationship.

I called his mother and we had a long, open chat about his behaviours. She thinks he is having a nervous breakdown. He also told her today he wanted to cut her out of his life until he is ready to resume contact. He said the same to his father a few weeks ago. He talked to her of running away on holiday alone where no-one knows where he is. His bad episodes have escalated since he stopped his anti-depressants in March. His mother and I have agreed to his request that we don't contact him. His mother said we needed to ride the storm.

I am devastated. The bizarre thing is that it didn’t feel like it was “him” that ended it, it felt like it was someone that looked like him but wasn’t him. I have not seen him like this before. He said when he is like this he cannot think of anyone else's feelings except his own.

Excuse my brief and undetailed post, am writing this at 5am. There is so much more to this that happened but I wanted to come on here and tell you guys.

I really tried so hard with him – at least all of you I have spoken to on here know that even if he doesn’t.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

Hi connect.

It's late, I will write more later.

I'm sorry.

If it helps... . this is part of the whole picture. It's to be expected.

When my ex does this... . it's like he's a different person, too. It's very weird and disturbing. I think of it as his evil twin.

This likely won't last.

Stay calm.

[connect]

Thanks Maybeso I really appreciate that x x

[patientandclear]

Same.  When my ex ended our r/s he spoke in "word salad."  It was a jumble of things that barely belonged together.  He spoke like, looked like and acted like a different person.  For days after, he wrote like a different person.

6 weeks later, when he recounted these events, according to him, I caused it all to happen and I took away his lovely relationship, and he'd always thought we would discuss it and fix it (even though I'd begged him to talk and fix it and the more I begged, the firmer he got in his resolve that it was impossible and had to be over).

I agree with MaybeSo, this is almost certainly not where he is going to end up.  There is still the question though of where you want to end up.  What he wants and thinks and does is only 50% of this picture.  What you want and think and do is the other half, and just because he will probably shift doesn't mean you have to remain where you are.  But.  I would not take this as anything other than a snapshot of very disordered feelings at a moment in time.

[Angelnme]

I can't tell you how many times my uBPDbf has broken up with me. Here we are 9 years later. I agree with patientandclear and MaybeSo: this is likely a temporary state. I'm learning not to take things personally (as hard as that is!) and to respond vs react. I applaud you for not appearing upset, that was an act of incredible strength on your part. And patientandclear has a very valid point: there is still the question of where you want to end up. Believe me, being in a r/s with a BP can be torture... . are you wanting to continue that? Hugs to you and keep us posted 

[DarkCurls54]

How well I know this dynamic! A pwBPD can be so incredibly eloquent - even when the actual "message" of the communication makes absolutely NO sense!  It is like trying to make sense of a kind of imagistic poem that has no internal or external logic except to the poet.  It SOUNDS brilliant and we end up blaming ourselves for being too (fill in the blank) to understand it.

It has taken me months to realize that when my ex APPEARED to be breaking up with me, he was actually trying to get me to COMMIT to the relationship!  But since I was too (fill in the blank) to understand that at the time, I took his words at face value and "left."  And my "leaving" just devastated him - but he had NO comprehension or memory of having caused me to go!

As has been said before on this site... .

This is a deep personality disorder - these failed relationships are not simply because two well-meaning people couldn't get along OR because one of the partners was abusive in some way:  by definition, BPD symptoms present themselves in the context of relationships.  And while some of these relationships can persist for years, and while some highly-functioning BPD's can make tremendous progress in healing, for  the most part, these Encounters are far from joyful.

We will heal from this, but it will take time... . a lot longer than healing from a breakup with a nonBPD.

[connect]

Thanks everyone x x

Had a few hours sleep this morning. Yesterday is all like a weird nightmare - very surreal. It still doesn't feel like it was the b/f I know and love that did this. I didn't "see" the man I knew at all yesterday and haven't over the past few days. I can see that he was building up to this for weeks but the public mask he wears (even whilst this was building up) is so convincing that I didn't see the extent of his illness.

It was like speaking to a drunk person yesterday.

That's what prevented me from getting so distraught in front of him. I did cry but not so he could tell and didn't beg him as I could see it was pointless and would only upset me and him further. I always thought I would be desperate and begging if we had this conversation (my normal reaction if he so much as hinted at it in the past) but that reaction seemed out of context when dealing with this "stranger" Also I was worried for his wellbeing as he was so strange and I wanted to do what he asked to prevent him getting worse. His mother said he was saying things to her like life was pointless etc

Most of my recent anger towards him has dissapeared to be replaced by concern. Before I left I gently asked him to see his doctor and look at therapy/medication for his own sake.  I asked him when he is better to try to think about how people close to him have been feeling and how hard it is for them to deal with too. I said it is hard for people to give him the space he requires when they can see he is in such turmoil and they want to help him not turn their backs on him. I did lash out verbally with one sentence but I am only human although I feel guilt for doing this.

He had one moment of clarity in the garden ref how things have been (my trust issues ref women) and he said “The therapist we saw was right wasn’t she? I should not have gone on that  holiday with **ex girlfriend** and our kids should I?”  (they didn’t even have a child together which would have been excusable) I saw that he had linked at that point my trust issues and the holiday with his ex he took in April, which he claimed not to have really seen before.

I cant say how I feel today. I am not even making any plans as to what to do ref him atm as there is nothing I can do except respect his wishes. Also by doing this he has taken 100% control of anything between us anyway. A dramatic way to achieve more control.  I am waiting for the next stages of my feelings to kick in but don’t want them too as it will be bad when it sinks in. I am dreading that part.

It helps very much to see on here that this situation could change though. Thank you x

I want him back but that will depend overall on what he does while he is separated from me.

What happens now regarding him and me? Nothing my end I assume. What do I do? Nothing?

[Wishful thinking]

HI Connect

When I read threads like this i always think to myself how aweful things sounds and Im really sorry to see you going thru this.  Its can be horrifying at times to see what SOs of BPDs have to put up with. Regardless to say i am in the same boat. And i really can relate to what you are going thru.

Its been 3 days since my BPDh has "decided" to leave me. Somehow im hoping to see the switch taking place where he comes back feeling really bad for what he said or did and then we erase everything and move on from there (as per usual). But today he left his wedding ring on our dresser.

This time poses slightly different cos my h is in a different state. He always threatened to leave but like you say, its like he is totally spaced out. Its like he is in another zone. Serious. Calm. Yet not present. It felt odd this morning waking up next to him and catching him staring at me. Then he made as if he was sleeping.

3 days later, ive bawled my eyes out. I have to admit that there is a surreal feeling to all of this. Sad feeling as well. Fear of the unknown should he decide to go ahead with whatever. Yet theres an unexplained release and freedom that i didnt expect to feel.

I cant give advice right now, but what has helps me, is to thinking of what I will do if he leaves and what i will do, should he decide to stay. I know its a bit early but Ive decided to start living my life the way I want to and to do things that makes me happy whether he is in the picture or not.  I was not aware of how isolated i became being with him.

I want to be happy. With or without him. But I can no longer depend on him to bring me the happiness that I think I deserve.

[connect]

Poor you Wishful Thinking, I see you can relate to the alien body snatcher thing too. I too am kind of thinking he will wake up and send me flowers at work and beg me to forgive him. I know this is a fantasy that is purely in my own head so don't believe it will happen for a minute.

I can't help noticing that he has split up with me when he has two events (today and next Saturday) which are things he pointblank refused to include me with. I had said this was not what I expected from him - he had feared my reactions to him going to these events without me and his subsequent mental health if I was upset by his actions.

He has also twice suggested something crazy in the past. I previousley told him I hate the "limbo" of 4 day silent treatment which he engages on after problems. His solution? He suggested that he dumps me when he wants to do silent treatment and then we get back together when he is better. He also suggested this pre-holiday as a solution to that issue. He actually thought that would help me so I wasn't feeling in "limbo"I told him that would, in fact, make me feel worse and asked him to take that “solution” off the table please.  Also he has said he withdraws when he is feeling bad to protect people from him upsetting them further. What a messed up mind he has. He may be doing this here. Or he may have just dumped me.

[LetItBe]

 Also he has said he withdraws when he is feeling bad to protect people from him upsetting them further.

My uBPDxbf briefly mentioned once that he didn't date for 7 years (!) to protect others from himself.  So, I had the "opportunity" to be the first one for him to try a r/s with.  Looking back, I can see that was a glaring red flag.  Perhaps he was cautioning, forewarning me.

I also had a gf who would withdraw sometimes.  I never took her withdrawals personally until, 12 years later, all of her verbal diarrhea came out in one email to me.  It turned out that she'd been building a case against me every time she'd withdraw!  She later said that she'd usually withdraw when she felt bad because she knew she'd hurt other people.

Connect, you have really been through a lot lately.  P&C is right -- this is a snapshot of where he is in the moment.  Sending warm, healing thoughts your way.

[connect]

Thanks again for everyone's posts - it really helps. Coming on here and reading them is something to look forward to.

The "word salad" you talked about P&C struck a chord. This happened with him too, he didn't make much sense. Also he kept contradicting himself over the finance thing which he said I was lying about (rot) One minute he said "ask your friends, they will all agree with me" and the next minute "99% of people wouldn't agree with me but it's what I think"

So he ended it on Saturday afternoon and its now Monday evening.

My feelings are all over the place although I am mainly keeping it together (so far) I did have a funny five minutes this morning when I snapped at my boss and then cried but she was great and we had a chat about why I was crying.

I know that my feelings will be all over the show for a while. I have huge amounts of concern, anger and sadness in there. I am really aware though of the fact that I did my best and didn’t deserve this and that he is very ill atm.  If I think about it too much I feel so bad so I am trying not to do this. If I let it in it just floors me knowing he is living his life without me. I want to hear from him so much.  I am trying not to “wait” for him to contact me or to apologise. I am trying not to expect anything. I will keep posting if you all don’t mind me repeating myself x

[patientandclear]

Repeat away, dear Connect!

For solidarity: my pwBPD has been uncommunicative (as in, totally silent & I don't even know what continent he is on) for the past 2.5 months. I finally "pinged" him saying when he was ready to be in touch, I'd like that.  He responded saying he had given up on our friendship because I pointed out he was leaving a lot, including me, behind, & that frustrated him & so he just didn't write back.

Even after everything, it is sort of jaw-dropping to me that he can translate "I will miss you & care about you" into a threat or insult or disrespect sufficient to warrant punishing me (b/c it turns out he wasn't dissociating or hurt or stuck like I'd hypothesized--he was angry) with months of silence. I am still processing the implications of that, but I know it's important not to follow him down the rabbit hole where that makes any kind of sense.  I hope you can distance yourself from his narrative too. It doesn't make sense. He's lost in a forest of fear & blame & projection & defenses walling him off from sources of warmth & support.  Don't take it on board.

[connect]

Thanks for your support P&C. Your guy seemed to take that as a criticism didn't he? Crazy how anyone could read that into what

you said to him. It shows how difficult communication can be even when you are saying you will miss him.

Mine would do the same. A compliment would be taken as an insult. It illustrates their state of mind doesn't it? I imagine that he will be back in touch with you as he may feel that you have "heard" his anger now.

[arabella]

I want to send words of comfort and wisdom, but it's really late and I'm really tired, and so you're just going to have to settle for a  right now! It's not the end unless you decide you want it to be. He'll be back.

Here's some spares: