Do you regret ever getting involved? Lessons you can take away?

[Sango216]

Tomorrow it will be two months since I was "painted black" by my ex.  I'm doing much better these days, but I still struggle with spying (looking at his online profiles) and feeling hurt because he has moved on.  I don't wake up hoping to hear from him.  I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear from him again, which saddens me a little but it's for the best.  I was thinking about the progress I have made and it made me wonder whether or not I regret dating him in the first place.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but the lessons I learned from this experience…I don't know if I could've gotten them with anyone else.

Our relationship was challenging…the most difficult I've ever had.  However, it taught me so much about myself, him, and how I function and communicate when it comes to romantic partners.  It also showed me that I am stronger than I think I am.  All those times he pressured me to do things…other girls would've caved and gone along with it just because they wanted to keep him around.  I didn't though.  I didn't question my own beliefs.  I stood my ground.  Also, I now know how important it is to set boundaries early on in the relationship, whether you're with a pwBPD or not.  If there's something your partner does that you're not into or you don't appreciate, let them know ahead of time, or put an end to it before you get too far in.

I do wish I hadn't allowed this situation to affect my grades, but it happens.  It's only one semester, and I've still got a couple more to make up for it.  What about you all?  Do you regret ever getting involved with your pwBPD?  Are there any lessons that you were able to take away from this experience?

[Blessed0329]

Yes, I wish I had never met my ex. Then I would never have known what it was I was missing all these years. Now I do know, and I believe I will never be back to B.E. (before ex) as for lessons learned, I am working on a list now with my therapist. One lesson I learned is that he tapped into a need in me that was so deep, that satisfying it became of paramount importance to me, to the point that my job was compromised. That realization scared me.

[laelle]

I'm not sorry I got involved with my ex.  I am sorry that I couldnt seem to grasp what the problem was earlier and saved myself some pain.

I never knew that there could be such mixed up people in this world.  I never knew that someone could hurt you so deeply, not care, but not mean to either.

I never knew I needed boundaries, or even what one was.  I never knew people could lie so well and have no remorse.

I have learned tons about MYSELF because of my relationship with my BPDex.  I am grateful for the experience as it opened my eyes, but he can still kiss my ass and go die somewhere.

[GlennT]

Exactly laelle; We learn tons... . but they don't. We win... . they always will lose. I no longer care now if she's in bum-f*** Egypt handing out  loads of her happy horse s*** to everyone else.

[laelle]

Exactly laelle; We learn tons... . but they don't. We win... . they always will lose. I no longer care now if she's in bum-f*** Egypt handing out another load of her happy horse s*** to someone else.

LOL... . /snort

[stop2think]

I second laelle.

I don't regret the r/s for this had made me stronger and to keep my eyes and listen to inner calling. I learnt of such disorders months after the breakup.

I only wish I knew a few months before about the consequences of the disorder, I would have saved myself the humilation and devastation from his behavior and most importantly keep my self respect.

I would have asked him to get some professional, although I know he would have dumped me even quicker had I tried to help him, and probably blame me further. He dint deserve a second chance or third or forth... . stupid blind me. I should have left him a long time ago.

But a person who misbehaved and abandoned one they claimed to love and sowed the hopes and dreams don't deserve love or sympathy.

[stop2think]

*keep my eyes open. Sorry for the typos.

[DeltaAlpha]

I am very grateful for the lessons learned and having my eyes opened, but I can't say that I'm happy about the whole thing.

[flowergnome]

I'm not really sure if I regret the r/s because I learned a lot about myself, my patterns, what I want my life to be like, etc. However, I do regret staying with him this long.  I wanted to break up with him over a year ago and should have done so.  I would have saved myself a lot of pain and perhaps would have been over him by now.  I also regret all the r/s recycling.  We "broke up" already at least 8 times.  It's really sick!  Also I've had to lie to my friends and family in order to cover for him and make it seem like he was a more decent and normal person.  That is so messed up and that is my issue.  I regret doing that.  

I still remember our first fight. I remember how it seemed to come out of nowhere and seemed so strange and abnormal.  He was getting so mad for no reason!  Sometimes I wish I'd just ended it back then.  

[crystalclear]

I'm not really sure if I regret the r/s because I learned a lot about myself, my patterns, what I want my life to be like, etc. However, I do regret staying with him this long.  I wanted to break up with him over a year ago and should have done so.  I would have saved myself a lot of pain and perhaps would have been over him by now.  I also regret all the r/s recycling.  We "broke up" already at least 8 times.  It's really sick!  Also I've had to lie to my friends and family in order to cover for him and make it seem like he was a more decent and normal person.  That is so messed up and that is my issue.  I regret doing that.

You captured my feeling and exact experience.

[Katsky]

The first lesson is to not let yourself be manipulated, and work on the issues (self-esteem, mostly) you have that let you get involved and made you ignore all the red flags. My uBPDexgf used suicide threats, sometimes daily, to get what she wanted. I'm pretty sure she was serious. She attempted it several times, and I repeatedly stopped her. Constant manipulation to get what she wanted from me. And when she got it (and boy she got it), then bang! You're gone. It took three years to get out of this hole; in the process, she destroyed my marriage and I lost my home, my job and my son. So, yeah: I regret that quite a bit.

The second lesson is to recognise that you, the person, are nothing to them. When they've finished with you, you're gone; you're a demon. There's no empathy; no remorse; no closure. No half-way house. And they've moved on, like a predator, to another victim, and they're telling the world how happy they are. The pwBPD is a relationship preying mantis. They identify their victim, use them and destroy them, without remorse.

But to repeat the first lesson: we -- I, you, we -- let ourselves be manipulated by the predator. Because we care; or maybe we're a bit of a rescuer; or we have some sort of hero complex; or self-esteem issues. Maybe we imagine we care, but, in fact, we're not good as it. Maybe our ego is at 30% and we want it boosted to 100%. The pwBPD can do that, and that reflects a kind of narcissistic codependency.

So, the two things are. First, no contact. And, second, work on these issues that let you fall into, and remain in, a toxic relationship.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I am grateful for the experience as it opened my eyes, but he can still kiss my ass and go die somewhere. [/u]

Lol Thank you for making me giggle before I go to bed. I feel the same.

[fromheeltoheal]

I apparently needed to feel a great deal of pain to get it through my thick skull that there is major unfinished business in my own growth, and for that I'm grateful, so no regrets.  I do take some pleasure in the knowledge that a BPD's biggest fear is abandonment, and I left her without a trace, completely disappeared.  I know that hurt her, and payback's a btch, and maybe it hurt enough that she sought treatment, probably not, some dude is probably pulling his hair out as we speak.  I don't envy him.

[Changed4safety]

I was in a comfortable but sexless marriage with someone who discovered he was transgendered.  We started not having sex after 2 years, no sex for another 15.  Went to counselor after counselor trying to make it work, and stayed because we liked each other and valued our promises.  We agreed around year 10 that if either of us was attracted to someone else, we'd talk about opening the marriage, and at year 15 I met the expBPD.

I fell head over heels in love, while my then-hubby explored more of his female side with someone else, all with each other's permission.  ExH is now happily married, my exBPD drained me of money (I'm in terrible financial shape--nearly 100,000 dollars just gone), belief in myself, terrorized me, was violent verbally and physically, even with my person.

If it hadn't been for my ex, I would never have left my "comfortable" marriage, I don't believe.  If my exBPD hadn't treated me so very horribly, I would have stayed (I did for 5 years.) 

Now I know what is and what isn't a deal-breaker, and I am growing confident enough to voice such things when I begin dating again.  I am learning how terribly codependent I was, and I am learning how to love and take care of myself.  I am learning that even if there is never another man in my life, I can be happy.  I am learning gratitude and to value each day.

The only thing I regret was needed to have a lesson so severe, and time-consuming.  From 27 to 49, the prime of one's life, I was in two relationships that were terrible for me.  They say you can learn through joy or pain--I am working hard at learning through joy. 

[BlushAndBashful]

Yes, I regret ever meeting him.  I wish I would have never gone on that first date.

Lessons I can take away- that seriously is such a consolation prize. I've been through hell and back, been abused, been cheated on, had my property destroyed... . I just can't find any little golden nugget of wisdom to make it all "worth" some lesson.

I didn't "need" a lesson. I didn't need to be stronger. I didn't need to deal with my FOO or unresolved crap from my past.

[Clearmind]

No I don't regret it. I personally feel if I regret it - I have learnt nothing.

There are reasons why we choose a Borderline - you either take the leap or you don't. I have actively worked on detaching and have found a healthier space.

Running from pain only means it will catch up with you again some day.

[whatisthetruth]

The first lesson is to not let yourself be manipulated, and work on the issues (self-esteem, mostly) you have that let you get involved and made you ignore all the red flags. My uBPDexgf used suicide threats, sometimes daily, to get what she wanted. I'm pretty sure she was serious. She attempted it several times, and I repeatedly stopped her. Constant manipulation to get what she wanted from me. And when she got it (and boy she got it), then bang! You're gone. It took three years to get out of this hole; in the process, she destroyed my marriage and I lost my home, my job and my son. So, yeah: I regret that quite a bit.

The second lesson is to recognise that you, the person, are nothing to them. When they've finished with you, you're gone; you're a demon. There's no empathy; no remorse; no closure. No half-way house. And they've moved on, like a predator, to another victim, and they're telling the world how happy they are. The pwBPD is a relationship preying mantis. They identify their victim, use them and destroy them, without remorse.

But to repeat the first lesson: we -- I, you, we -- let ourselves be manipulated by the predator. Because we care; or maybe we're a bit of a rescuer; or we have some sort of hero complex; or self-esteem issues. Maybe we imagine we care, but, in fact, we're not good as it. Maybe our ego is at 30% and we want it boosted to 100%. The pwBPD can do that, and that reflects a kind of narcissistic codependency.

So, the two things are. First, no contact. And, second, work on these issues that let you fall into, and remain in, a toxic relationship.

You nailed it for me... . this is 99% my experience. Instead of suicide - it was "sickness" - just another tool of manipulation to get me to do what she wanted and dote on her.

Her drama interferred with work in the past, current work... . but will put a stop to her impact on future work.

I have ALWAYS had good boundaries, never minded being alone... . but for the first time I am feeling the pangs of not wanting to be alone... . wthell is that about? Thats so not me.

I definitely have that rescuer thing for sure... . but ironically am feeling so depressed that i havent in me to rescue.

sorry for all the words here... . just trying to sort it out hoping to regain my balance.

[Chazz]

Yes, I regret ever meeting him.  I wish I would have never gone on that first date.

Lessons I can take away- that seriously is such a consolation prize. I've been through hell and back, been abused, been cheated on, had my property destroyed... .  I just can't find any little golden nugget of wisdom to make it all "worth" some lesson.

I didn't "need" a lesson. I didn't need to be stronger. I didn't need to deal with my FOO or unresolved crap from my past.

I'm with you on this one, Mauser. I, too, regret meeting my Ex. I don't subscribe to the notion that pain, abuse and heartbreak are viable learning experiences. Sure, a brick to the head will wake you up, but there are more viable ways of starting ones day. I do understand that recovery from a relationship with a BPD requires finding a way of making sense of the experience, but rationalizing pain, or taking responsibility for it, are not my ways. I did absolutely nothing to deserve, or that explains, the abuse I experienced in my relationship with my BPD partner.

If being a loyal, committed and caring partner warrants the label of codependent, I'll pass. I've done way too much personal work in therapy and CODA groups before this relationship to subscribe to the idea that I am somehow responsible for another person's very bad behavior and mental health issues. Some con artists are just very, very good at exploiting people with a heart and soul. That I can accept. Responsibility, no, at all. 


 

[Juliecelle]

Chazz,

I couldn't agree with you more! Well said.

We've worked too hard and protected ourselves for too long to to take responsibility for their illness.

And the "brick to the head" analogy still has me laughing!

[goldylamont]

I'm with you on this one, Mauser. I, too, regret meeting my Ex. I don't subscribe to the notion that pain, abuse and heartbreak are viable learning experiences. Sure, a brick to the head will wake you up, but there are more viable ways of starting ones day. I do understand that recovery from a relationship with a BPD requires finding a way of making sense of the experience, but rationalizing pain, or taking responsibility for it, are not my ways. I did absolutely nothing to deserve, or that explains, the abuse I experienced in my relationship with my BPD partner.

If being a loyal, committed and caring partner warrants the label of codependent, I'll pass. I've done way too much personal work in therapy and CODA groups before this relationship to subscribe to the idea that I am somehow responsible for another person's very bad behavior and mental health issues. Some con artists are just very, very good at exploiting people with a heart and soul. That I can accept. Responsibility, no, at all.

, hah Chazz that was great. your words really do feel right to me. responsibility for her crazy ass? hells to the no i mean, of course i've *learned* a lot from going through this experience, but i've done a lot of soul searching and i still can't seem to find a personal reason for deserving it. i was naive, i'll give you that, but i was very strong, very independent and level headed before meeting this person (still think i am now, just hurting some). i think, for both her and me, that our r/s was an anomaly, in the sense that it was the longest for both of us (4 yrs)... . that took a lot of good intentioned faith from *both* of us to make that work. the reason why we broke up though? all her. seriously. i mean i know i wasn't perfect, plenty of times i messed up for sure, but the more perspective i gain the more i feel as if all of the bad stuff was just unavoidable, and that it was b/c of my independence/patience/love, and her best efforts till she fell apart, that kept us together for so long. our r/s wasn't typical for either of us; i've found out that she rips men apart normally within 3-6 months instead of 4 yrs. i do have to say with a soft heart that she must have had a lot of strength to last that long before letting shatan out at the end. applause for you, my ex devil's spawn!

jeesh, would i do it again? NO. but, no i wouldn't change the past at this point. i grew so much with this person and i love the growth i've made, but still, the growth i'm talking about came from the love and commitment we shared--not from the manipulations and betrayals. . i've learned i prefer and am actually really good at being monogamous... . that's kind of big for me :-) and as someone mentioned before regarding boundaries, i know for sure i let my boundaries get crossed plenty... . but really i don't see any times where i really did get punked i feel like i did with full knowledge of the chances i were taking. i don't really feel bad or that i should have done things different. because, i just didn't know

[flynavy]

I agree with clearmind... . regret is a useless, negative emotion that can get in the way of moving forward... . we all made the choice to put ourselves out there.  Its what we do now armed with this experience that matters.  Nothing is certain in life!  When I went all in with my wife of 32 years there were no guarantees! I only knew how I felt and was more than willing to essentially make myself vulnerable to possible rejection... . but it didn't happen... . it was the best 32 years of my life.  I for one will not let any regret stand in the way of me having another 32 years!

[whatisthetruth]

GREAT perspective chazz

[Cumulus]

Regret, no, I have to agree with fly navy, it is  a useless emotion, no one can change what is done. I am sorry though that I met him and was so unaware of his pathology and spent so many years giving my life to caring for him and trying to make our relationship work. Believing I was loved.

He told me I was the most beautiful, the kindest, the smartest, the most talented woman he knew. He led me to believe that he admired me and I believed that to be love. How was I to know?

So, that is what this relationship has taught me. I don't know what it is to be loved. He didn't or couldn't love. Can anyone unrecovered from BPD? I can love, but need to learn how to receive love. It has been a difficult lesson to learn from my xBPDh and one that would have been amazingly wonderful to learn with an emotionally healthy partner.

[caughtnreleased]

Don't regret it at all.  It was an eye opener... . sometimes it hurts to see yourself clearly when you had a different idea of yourself... . but at least my eyes were opened. I'm grateful. Even if it took pain to get there.

[bondafc]

Do I regret investing all the time and emotional turbulence in my life, yes... . absolutely.

But, in a weird way, I realize now that my exBPD took me to school.

When I met her, I had recently left a loveless marriage of 17 years and was very vulnerable.  I had never really dated very much before getting married so i really didn't have a clue.  I figured if a girl likes you, that's good enough... .

She blew into my life like a hurricane.

She was sassy, fun, and we clicked like no-one ever before... .

I was so desperate to figure out how to "win her over" once the push-pull started, the "RAGE" episodes, the silent treatment, etc. that I studied:

dating strategies,

woman's psychology,

men's psychology,

self-esteem material,

and everything on BPD

etc. etc... .

I finally had to conclude that it would never, ever, get any better and I had to stop this.  That the reward wasn't worth the investment in time and emotional distress.

In the end, I am a better person for the effort.

Best of all, I have developed my relationship requirements.

Bottom-line needs that are non-negotiable... .

Like respect for instance... .

I now also have a list of red flags that I look for.

Not done with the churning yet, but I am in a much better place.

Ten months... . NC

[goldylamont]

hah bondafc, so true. i like you am a self help and psych junkie    after breaking up with exBPDgf i definitely feel stronger and more composed in conflict, b/c after 4 years learning to be composed was the only way to survive! after breaking up a few months later i was dating someone who sadly turned out to have some issues i wasn't willing to deal with. i remember her starting some "argument" and thinking to myself "really? seriously? don't you know i'm used to dealing with way crazier isht than this? ." i was composed to a T and didn't react, just felt bad for her and separated in as kind a way as i could think. and it's comforting to know that anger and frustrations i had in exBPD r/s i don't have now in my current r/s. i'm seeing that it *was* this other person and not me

[eniale]

My experience has left me more cautious, more wary, not bad things I suppose.  But I also feel my ex pwBPD robbed me of my trust.  I am not sure I will ever completely trust a person again.  So I really wish I had never met him, never had this painful experience.  I think the "cons" far outweigh the "pros."