how long will i do this? am i waiting?

[wdone]

my BPDfbf "ended it" for about the 500th time about 2 weeks ago. i vowed to myself the 499th time, if it happened again,  that i would not react or get upset or take it seriously/let it affect me because he never follows through and always comes back. 

i am sick of this cycle again. i am missing him, lonely, still shocked every time.  sick of posting on here the same thing year after year.  but, this is the only place where there are people who get it. my support group for families of mentally ill people meets twice a month, too... .

i keep trying to remind myself that I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. HE IS SICK. HE WON'T REALLY LEAVE. DON'T GET UPSET OR REACT.

but, i am so lonely and in so much grief and pain again over him disappearing and not responding. i even saw his car right near where i had parked the other night, so called a friend for advice and she said "text him and tell him you're right there, too! and ask him what he's up to!"  so, i did, and no response. 

i feel SO stupid and disillusioned and the crazy making is making me feel crazy! and i am angry.  i feel like he *could* text or call--but then i remember that HE has told me that sometimes he just can't. and the books i have read and the classes i have taken remind me that sometimes he can't respond, can't reach out, can't talk.

we had never been closer.  before he did it this time.

there are several guys asking me out.  i also have people i just met wanting me to meet "their single friend."  one guy is very interested and attractive.  he seems to be very kind and gentle.  i am, once again, conflicted. 

i had vowed to myself to be committed no matter what, and to remember that he is mentally ill and that i will wait.  not to let the pangs of pain and loneliness get to me. 

just needed to check in here... . it's getting to me again... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Oh, WD.     I'm sorry.

Everything you wrote is correct.  He has a disorder that means it isn't necessarily true that he can just be in touch.  It isn't going away.  He isn't currently engaged in any process that is likely to result in significant change.  He leaves when you have been closest, meaning that it is impossible to have some security in steady improvement, since the more you improve, the more likely it may be that he will withdraw.  He will be back, he always comes back, even if before that he ignores you & does things that in the non-BPD world would correlate with not giving a ___.

So the question really is the one you are posing: are you waiting?  You get to decide that.  Knowing that this is very likely a picture of the future, do you choose that, over some other future with some other partner, or no partner but not being abandoned regularly by your putative partner?

A while back you felt like you were done.  But in recent months, it's seemed as though you recommitted yourself to participate in this, as it is, knowing this is how it is.

Either course is completely valid. You get to choose.

Does it help at all the play this out, imagine you are 70 years old, looking back at a life spent in cycles like this, with another 1000 departures, but with the good that happens in between ... . will you regret that choice?  Will you be able to preserve your joy and happiness about the good parts, no matter how many times he breaks away?  Or will disappointment and bitterness eventually take away your enjoyment of what is good between you?

Sorry, I know it's frustrating to have your question met with more questions.  But this really is one of those points on which there is no right answer, and it has to be something you will be comfortable with, or more comfortable than with other choices available.  I wouldn't presume to try to advise you about which path to take here -- it is such a personal choice.

[wdone]

thank you so much for that response and for that question. 

if i looked back when i was 70... .

when i read that, i started to cry.  i know he is worth it. i know it is worth it.  i don't love anyone like i love him and haven't shared with anyone the good we have shared.  i would not be satisfied ending up with someone else.  i feel like i know this in my gut. (and from experience).

i JUST said to a friend that i have no regrets about dating my ex who died 10 years ago.  i felt relief that i had been with him.  and it made it more clear with that realization and with your question, that i am in it with my bf... . that i would regret not doing it. but what does that mean? now... . ? in the future?.

AND. the other thing that came to mind after realizing this or maybe simultaneously is that i can love him, be in love with him, and take care of myself at the same time.  maybe date others, maybe get to know others. 

i just don't want to cause any pain/harm, to my bf, to another guy, to myself. 

i have been told many times in my life to "relax" and to "stop thinking so much"

i wonder if it would do us (me and my bf damage) or hurt anyone else if i were to spend some time with other people right now... .

i'm so glad i have this forum to share and get feedback and try to get clarity. 

i guess i am craving normal human stuff, like companionship, affection, etc.  and i am also trying to be open, to something else... . even though i don't want to be.

i have friends who were single and alone for 7 years, 5 years, and that is just not me.  i have been single for a year several times... . but i prefer to be in relationship... .

i wish it was (actively) my bf... .

[nomoremommyfood]

I really related to this post. My bf does the same thing and I also appear on this board every year; weird, that it appears to be an "annual" thing.

Not sure if I can say anything to help as I've been on here reading the same advice and about to post a "when can I just go ahead and contact him?" question. But I really understand what you mean about feeling like portions of your life have disappeared and having difficulty functioning when "in limbo."

I've been able to take some slight comfort in the fact that, as you mentioned also hearing from your bf and reading in BPD literature that sometimes he's unable to talk. Mine also said "I decided not to talk until I'd calmed down" - something I'd told him to do to avoid unnecessary conflict when he was angry. So, maybe you can see him temporarily avoiding you as him recognizing when his emotions are too intense and choosing to do the right thing?

The "waiting game," however, still feels like crap. I really can't give advice about the other guys, though. I guess it depends on how long the waiting game has lasted and the "set" perimeters... . if he's previously let you know it's temporary or if you're kept guessing.

Good luck!

[wdone]

i'm sorry you go through this as well.

how long have you been together?

does your bf break it off, or just go away... . does he avoid you altogether? how long does he go?

my bf said something like "i can't do this anymore.  go find someone else."

he has said a variation of this, or this exactly, many, many times.  so, if i take it at face value as if he were without BPD/issues, i would read it as he was breaking up with me.  but, because he has said it soo  many times, i don't believe it, or i try not to... . i try not to buy into it and get all upset. but, maybe i should just act as if it is the "truth" and try again to move on... .

nothing is ever "set"... . he will say he means it and then has gotten angry, hurt, upset, when i told him in the past that i went on a date or something.

and i will point out "YOU *broke up* with me." and he doesn't get it.  he says all sorts of different things--like, "i didn't really mean it." "i guess i was just trying to get space" and "oh."  with a baffled look on his face.

i swear he tests me--"breaks it off" then see's if i will date... .

it's really crazy, now that i look at it more closely.

i never feel right with anyone else. 

i texted my bf today and he did not respond. 

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm sighing for you. It just seems so painful.

I do have a thought about dating right now: It wouldn't be fair to the guy you are dating or yourself--you are still way too involved with your bf to be really there with a new guy. I think its gonna take more than a couple weeks to be ready for that.

My other thought is work on better solutions for feeling lonely--build up other (non-romantic) friendships. Keep them healthy when you are with your bf ... . and they will be healthy when your bf goes away. Now is a great time to start that.

[wdone]

thanks gk. 

i hear what you're saying... . and might agree. but, i don't know.  it probably wouldn't be fair.  i keep wondering what i would do if my bf comes back, and i'm seeing someone else.  all of my friends have been pushing me to date for years (they say "anyone other than ______my bf, pleeeeease"


and, i have a lot of good friends already... . or. do you mean, male friends?

[connect]

Hi Wdone,

How are you doing today? I am sorry you are in this situation. I am in it too at the moment. This is my first time rather than my 500th so I am not sure if he means it.

When your b/f has done this in the past how did you re-connect afterwards? How long did it take? I have my own selfish reasons for asking that too... . !

Was this time any different from the other times?

My b/f (ex prob) was telling me he needed space and the only way he could be sure of getting it was to finish with me. Is that what your b/f wants? Mine said I was smothering and stifling him - the reason he gave for the break up however was that I had lied to him about a money situation (balls)

[Grey Kitty]

i keep wondering what i would do if my bf comes back, and i'm seeing someone else. 

Sorry to say, but that is exactly why it isn't really fair to the new person you would be dating--it is more about your bf's reaction than the new person for you today.

Tomorrow is another day, although I expect it will take you more than a day to get there based on what I've seen from others on these forums post-breakup.

and, i have a lot of good friends already... . or. do you mean, male friends?

I just meant non-romantic friends, whatever gender works for you. (and thinking twice about men if your bf is wildly jealous about such things)

Just live your life well, and make it full when he isn't there. And keep those things in your life when he is there. 

[wdone]

Hi Wdone,

How are you doing today? I am sorry you are in this situation. I am in it too at the moment. This is my first time rather than my 500th so I am not sure if he means it.

When your b/f has done this in the past how did you re-connect afterwards? How long did it take? I have my own selfish reasons for asking that too... . !

Was this time any different from the other times?

My b/f (ex prob) was telling me he needed space and the only way he could be sure of getting it was to finish with me. Is that what your b/f wants? Mine said I was smothering and stifling him - the reason he gave for the break up however was that I had lied to him about a money situation (balls)

i only have a few minutes now--so sorry you are going through this-it's awful, and so confusing and painful.  

yes, we have always re-connected. sometimes in a few hours, sometimes in a few days, few weeks, few months (was the longest)... .

he has given various reasons later.one being "it was the only way (he) knew of to get space at the time."

when he breaks it off, he is usually dysregulated/in fear/freaking out. and he will paint me black, call me evil, be very paranoid, and switch from loving me and us to hating me and us, and everything is wrong, i am not good for him, we are not good, he "becomes a child with me""he can't function"

when we are good, he says all the wonderful things about us and me.

everyone is different, and i don't know about your boyfriend... . how long have you been together?  

i remember when my bf first started "breaking it off" i was so shocked and could not believe it. it did not make any sense and i knew that in my gut. i knew something was wrong.

my bf has looked for reasons to break it off to prove he can't trust me or that he can't trust the situation. any and all "mistakes" i have made or that he perceives as mistakes are used against me.

as for how i am doing... . not great. i hadn't cried in a long time and i let myself let go today and cried with a friend. i feel some relief in getting it out. i am overwhelmed with missing him and frustration and trying to get to the point of accepting he is silent right now.

[connect]

Thanks Wdone for your answers and hugs to you.

Its an awful thing to go through isn't it?  

I feel simply awful today - I cant tell you how bad I feel. I told myself I wouldn’t wait for contact but I have started checking my phone all the time. I did the stiff upper lip “its for the best” thing for the last 2 days but now its come crashing down. I cried at work today in front of my boss and by the end of the day was alone and hysterical in my car.

We were together a year and 3 months. He was terribly dissocociated at the weekend after weeks of disregulation. In the last few weeks he has cut his father and mother out of his life and dumped me on Saturday. I never thought he would do this.

Today I stopped rembering how ill he was at the weekend and have started taking it very very personally.  We always watch game of thrones together snuggled up on the sofa and it was on tonight and I kept thinking surely that will make him call me. The last few weeks I have helped him as much as I could to regulate with his housework and childcare and letting his rages wash over me. All at a cost to myself but worth it to hope he would level out. Instead he ended it. He has never done this to me before. I don’t know if its permanent. I don’t know how to cope with it or how to stop waiting for contact. Its awful.  

He wants space so I am respecting this and don’t feel like contacting him due to this request. I do however want him to reach out. The lies he tells himself to justify ending it sting and are so untrue they are not even worth my headspace. Did your b/f retract the lies/apologise when you got back together the other times? I suppose for you its very hard as you don’t know how long this will go on for. I don’t know if its permanent for me as I know they do come back often. Am trying not to expect that but its hard when you miss them so much.

Hugs to you. Hope you get some sleep and get to a calmer way of looking at it. Yours does come back so you have to remember that

[Chosen]

Hi wdone, 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, year after year.  Yes, life isn't perfect, and although you have found the person whom you love so much, BPD gets in the way.

Take a day at a time.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Cry when you need, you have to let it out! 

And come here and talk to us.  We can't do much for you but at least we can "listen" (read).  We're here for each other!

[wdone]

Hi wdone, 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, year after year.  Yes, life isn't perfect, and although you have found the person whom you love so much, BPD gets in the way.

Take a day at a time.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Cry when you need, you have to let it out! 

And come here and talk to us.  We can't do much for you but at least we can "listen" (read).  We're here for each other!

thanks... . that was so validating.  

i cried more today, and went to work, and called about getting a new T who does more than listen... .

i'm curled up about to watch some silly tv.

thanks for your support... .

 

[Jeansok]

Wow, I dealt with this kind of thing before I married my H... . no clue why he acted the way he did. The days of no communication, can't talk but wants too etc etc... . We were married Oct 2011 and I am just finding out the past couple months something is MENTALLY wrong. These stories here are crazy exact down to every little detail of my life. It makes sense now. I'm soo so sorry you are going through this. All of us can relate and feel your pain. I wish I could find a live group locally, need to research that more. I'm really prayful and hopeful our new therapist can help in some way and all I have to say is just think about if you can live the rest of your life like this. That is something that has been painfully clear for me the last week. I love my H like no one before and really feel we have a connection like 'none other' ... .

It's VERY hard. Is he seeing anyone, a therapist? How long have ya'll been together? Just curious :-)

I'm having a hard time dealing with knowing this now and a son with him that will be one this month. I can't ever plan anything with friends to do things as a couple. There are so many things I see clearly had I known while we were dating I could've addressed. I can't tell you honestly whether I would have moved forward knowing what I know now. But, there ARE success stories so praying I am one of them. It's just so hard today for me because I just want to have a "normal" relationship/marriage, but with a BPD, there is a new kind of normal. As long as my husband gets treatment we'll see... .

I wish you all the best in the world! 

[Jeansok]

I saw one of your other posts here about him ending it. I wanted to say my husband has threatened divorce a dozen times and even packed up a bunch of stuff in rages... . never has he followed through with the complete opposite demeanor . It is very hard, I know... . hang in there! 

[xeritos]

I've not got to this yet, waiting for her to come back. But my uBPDw definitely paints me black and says how much she wishes she could leave me, usually right during the middle of the work day when I can't fully respond to the situation, everything's so much easier to resolve and help when I'm physically with her.

Everytime she says that she's going to leave, I tell her to not be home when I get home from work if she really means it. I love her more than anyone I've ever known, she's without a doubt the best friend I've ever had. But if she doesn't feel like continuing her life with me is the right path for her, after I talk with her and let her know how much I care about her, then I will not stand in her way. She doesn't ever mean it though, she doesn't ever really want to leave, and she very quickly (within the hour) changes from hate back to adoration.

Right now she actually had a moment of pure celerity where she talked with me on a level, and a non offended way about BPD and how she agrees that she probably suffers from it based on all the things online about it. She wants to take steps to try and seek professional help for herself and for our relationship. I too want to try and seek help, that's why I'm here and will probably try and do some therapy of my own in the future to.

We've only been married for 3 months, we're both still young and we've only been together for 2 years so, I'm trying to do as much as I can to help the rollercoaster flatten out into at least a kiddy ride rather than a featured attraction.

I hope for the best for you, and I think you're right to wait, especially being so convinced that you want to spend your life together with him. I think that's the most important question of all. If you truly love someone unconditionally than you will wait it out, at least until you receive confirmation that he's not coming back. While it's still up in the air though, waiting, and holding strong to the happiness he brings you is all you can do.

[wdone]

Wow, I dealt with this kind of thing before I married my H... . no clue why he acted the way he did. The days of no communication, can't talk but wants too etc etc... . We were married Oct 2011 and I am just finding out the past couple months something is MENTALLY wrong. These stories here are crazy exact down to every little detail of my life. It makes sense now. I'm soo so sorry you are going through this. All of us can relate and feel your pain. I wish I could find a live group locally, need to research that more. I'm really prayful and hopeful our new therapist can help in some way and all I have to say is just think about if you can live the rest of your life like this. That is something that has been painfully clear for me the last week. I love my H like no one before and really feel we have a connection like 'none other' ... .

It's VERY hard. Is he seeing anyone, a therapist? How long have ya'll been together? Just curious :-)

I'm having a hard time dealing with knowing this now and a son with him that will be one this month. I can't ever plan anything with friends to do things as a couple. There are so many things I see clearly had I known while we were dating I could've addressed. I can't tell you honestly whether I would have moved forward knowing what I know now. But, there ARE success stories so praying I am one of them. It's just so hard today for me because I just want to have a "normal" relationship/marriage, but with a BPD, there is a new kind of normal. As long as my husband gets treatment we'll see... .

I wish you all the best in the world! 

thank you!  so sorry you go through similar things.  and i appreciate you saying you don't what you would have done had you known... . i don't know that it matters if we found out a few months in, a few years in, after marriage, before marriage-at least not in my situation.  i love him, and do want to be with him... . and, no, ideally, i don't want to live like this forever. 

we've been together for almost 6 years... . (except i guess, for the "breaks"  we were engaged about 4 years ago, maybe 5 now.  we lived together about 2 years ago for about a year, but i asked him to leave and have regretted it since.  he lives a few blocks from me... .

he is back in therapy but the T doesnt have good boundaries at all... . and every time he starts seeing her again, he starts to say we shouldnt be together. she keeps suggesting that we take "6 months off" etc.

they text lat at night, met in a 12 step group, he goes to her house for therapy, he says lots of times they just BS instead of doing therapy and he has said that for him, at times, she "replaces me." ugh. i know it's not sexual and probably not even romantic, but it's not right or helpful... .

thanks so much for relating and for your support.

i still haven't heard from him... .

what did your husband do before you got married? would he disappear? not respond? break it off?

[wdone]

I've not got to this yet, waiting for her to come back. But my uBPDw definitely paints me black and says how much she wishes she could leave me, usually right during the middle of the work day when I can't fully respond to the situation, everything's so much easier to resolve and help when I'm physically with her.

Everytime she says that she's going to leave, I tell her to not be home when I get home from work if she really means it. I love her more than anyone I've ever known, she's without a doubt the best friend I've ever had. But if she doesn't feel like continuing her life with me is the right path for her, after I talk with her and let her know how much I care about her, then I will not stand in her way. She doesn't ever mean it though, she doesn't ever really want to leave, and she very quickly (within the hour) changes from hate back to adoration.

Right now she actually had a moment of pure celerity where she talked with me on a level, and a non offended way about BPD and how she agrees that she probably suffers from it based on all the things online about it. She wants to take steps to try and seek professional help for herself and for our relationship. I too want to try and seek help, that's why I'm here and will probably try and do some therapy of my own in the future to.

We've only been married for 3 months, we're both still young and we've only been together for 2 years so, I'm trying to do as much as I can to help the rollercoaster flatten out into at least a kiddy ride rather than a featured attraction.

I hope for the best for you, and I think you're right to wait, especially being so convinced that you want to spend your life together with him. I think that's the most important question of all. If you truly love someone unconditionally than you will wait it out, at least until you receive confirmation that he's not coming back. While it's still up in the air though, waiting, and holding strong to the happiness he brings you is all you can do.

thanks for the support. i am sick of people in my life who don't understand telling me to move on.

it's great that you can tell your SO that it's ok to leave.  i have said that to my bf 1000 times.  and like your wife, he usually relaxes after i tell him thats fine and i don't want to be wiht someone who doesnt want to be with me--then he says he doesn't want to break up and we talk about what is going on underneath and he feels better after he gets it (fears, worries) all out.  and we resume. but the last time, i did say i was fine with us breaking up if he wanted to and he really got more dysregulated that he had been.sometimes, i really think he tests me to see if i will say ok or beg him not to go.  to see if i really want to be with him.

that's great that your wife wants to seek help and thinks she is BPD. we've had several occasions where he'll read some from a book on BPD and say "thats me! this is ME!" and he will KNOW that he is BPD and then the next day, he will say i'm crazy and he's not BPD and i'm just trying to hurt him, etc etc.

[Jeansok]

To answer your last questions... . Yes, Yes and Yes! LOL... . He did all of those things and I just thought that's how he was... . we never lived together. Break up after 2 years, apart for 8 months. I still loved him so much and come to find out that's not what he wanted (to break up) after all... . had I known this information before I probably wouldn't have taken it so seriously and literally but I was fed up and ok with it at the time... . and after the 8 months I wanted so much to be with him again because I truly have never felt this way for anyone and I've been  married before. It is strange and heard it's common from what I'm reading, whatever that means  . But we got back together and were married w/in a month. Pregnant right after that... .

There was weird and raging behavior very shortly after that but I chalked it up to him being angry over us being apart and he was just getting it out. When he started the uncomfortable intimate situations I knew something was off but still didn't know what. (He would say things like did "he" do it this way etc.) Without being explicit. I was with someone else during our seperation and really thought it was over between me and my H now. Once I found out it wasn't I still knew I wanted to be with  him at that time.

Funny thing is 2 months after being married he told me he actually cheated on me TWICE, while we were together, justified it as "thinking" I was messing around on him. Crazy... . but anyway I'm that one who should have been angry at that any normal person would think right?... . but no mines was completely legit and I left that relationship because I still had feeling for my now H. He sometimes sees that and sometimes doesn't. I finally stopped hearing about it for awhile so that is good, it was getting very old. He is constantly bringing up stuff from the past and twisting it around to make me sound bad. It's really annoying and used to try and argue and validate it, but stopped because it doesn't help.

So your BF therapist is a good friend?

My husband does seem to create "friendships" alot with women or at least in the past and haven't been sexual either  but told me when he was with them it's just cause he wanted to be with me... . stupid I know. I can only imagine how you feel about that relationship and it probably is nothing like you said, but it does take away from you guys' intimicy. My H had a couple of close "girl friends" he would talk to when we weren't being close. Mainly from his ignoring me or rages... . he'd tell me all about it too and doesn't hide it, but it is crazy I know. He told me one time and tried to validate that it was ok to do that because he couldn't talk to me. Whatever.

Man sorry all of this is flooding me right now... . I remember when we were together I accidentally found on his phone where he texted two woman telling them explicit things and I got extremely upset but didn't tell him right away. After the fact he said it was just all fun and games. I really think my husband has a sexual issue on another note... . but that could be a different story all in itself. Kind of seeing the light after the fact... . now we are married, still love him with all my heart, but don't know how to deal with this new foundness I find myself in. I want my H to get help so we can live a halfway normal life, otherwise I don't know I might end up in the psychiatric ward! ... . that's how I feel sometimes  

So I get it when you say you love him and want to be with him but don't want to live like this either. I feel exactly the same... . but yes he would go DAYS without talking to me, then other times be completely normal. I just thought it was him needing his own space and thought I was respecting that. But now I know it's all part of his BP like behavior... .

[Jeansok]

Just saw your last post on this... . my husband does that testing nonsense all the time... . he's even admitted it

[Jeansok]

It has even gone so far in the past of us finding him a different place to stay from time to time... . Like reading a really cheap one bedroom apartment for him. Sometimes I'm finding some of the best medicine is to have periods of time apart. Sorry just thought of that :-)