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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Do you "hate" your BPD ex? Do you still find yourself defending them?  (Read 1418 times)
Octoberfest
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« on: June 02, 2013, 05:28:27 PM »

I don't question that my dBPDex hurt me and was wrong in what she did... . She cheated on me throughout our relationship, lied to me, hid me from family and friends, and otherwise really hurt me.  But I still can't bring myself to hate her.  And when I am telling friends what happened invariably someone says "what a whore for cheating on you like that!"... . And I find myself wanting to defend her.   I don't believe she WANTED to cheat... . She knew doing it was wrong, she just didnt know any other way to survive.  Does anyone else do this? Maybe I am just sick still
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TheDude
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« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2013, 06:10:10 PM »

Not hating someone isn't an illness.

Hate isn't a necessity for anything, and can be a sickness all its own. Besides, hate isn't the opposite of love.

Indifference is... .
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leftbehind
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2013, 06:28:04 PM »

I don't hate my ex either.  I realize he acts the same way in every relationship he's in - honeymoon idealization first, then devalue and find a way out.  So it's not personal that he lied (and most likely cheated), broke up with me by email, refused to tell me why, etc, etc, etc. 

I'm still mad at him.  I still see good in him.  If he didn't have BPD, then maybe he could be mad at me and still see good in me and/or the relationship.  In other words if he didn't have this mental illness that makes him split people white or black, we might still be together.  But that's like saying, "If only he was a completely different person (not mentally ill, compulsive liar, commitmentphobe, with addictive tendencies)  we would still be together.
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Sango216
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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2013, 06:44:26 PM »

The only time I even come close to hating my ex is when I think about the last day we spoke and the things he said.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Like right now, I'm in a good place.  I'm calm and I'm not really focusing so much on how deeply his words cut me that day, so I don't hate him.  Instead, I pity him.  He's so messed up and he doesn't know it, or care to acknowledge it.
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stop2think
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« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2013, 05:02:04 AM »

I don't think i have ever been on such a roller coaster ride of emotions, especially after he left me.

There are days i hate him for what he did to me, some days i miss him for the things he 'said' to me and for the good times we had, other days i am angry at him for manipulating my emotions and controlling my life, and some days i just feel sad for the days he was alone and in pain (silent treatment towards me), and then i feel numb like i am in a vaccum for being abandoned.

I found myself defending him when 'others' judged him but never defended him when i am analyzing the entire experience. I don't think i can ever forgive him or forget what he put me through.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2013, 07:54:00 AM »

I hate what she was doing to me.

I hate that I allowed myself to be victimized like that for so long.

I recognize that I have my own issues, yet I do not hate myself. I just hate what I did (and didn't do).

As much as I thought I hated her, in reality I hated the toxicity between us. She is out of my life now and hope she finds help so she doesn't hurt others. I really don't want to carry hatred in my heart perpetually.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
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