How Do You Not Get Too Emotionally Close To Your Spouse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Been married for two and a half years to udBPD and I'm just learning NOW that to help me help us I have to not be so close to him. I get close when he's "normal" and have to put the wall up when he's dysregulating. It's the push/pull that us non's are not suppose to get into, but it's soo hard not to. He is the man I want, the man I want to be married to when he's normal, the one that acknowledges reality, says he's sorry for what he's done- and then... . there's the other guy. I wish I knew how not to fall into the push/pull cycle.

[NoSocks]

Been married for two and a half years to udBPD and I'm just learning NOW that to help me help us I have to not be so close to him. I get close when he's "normal" and have to put the wall up when he's dysregulating. It's the push/pull that us non's are not suppose to get into, but it's soo hard not to. He is the man I want, the man I want to be married to when he's normal, the one that acknowledges reality, says he's sorry for what he's done- and then... . there's the other guy. I wish I knew how not to fall into the push/pull cycle.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

I believe from the movie War Games... . The only way to win the game is not to play... . Thinking of this has helped out when I have been in a similar situation... .

[briefcase]

For me, its been about staying aware of what is emotionally her stuff, and what is emotionally my stuff. Its about finding a healthy level of "closeness" on both the good days, and the bad.

I had to become less aware of my wife's emotions, and more aware of my own.  I still feel close to her, more than every before, but I am not enmeshed with her any more.  I can recognize when she's having a good day, or a bad one, and validate her without taking any ownership of her emotions.  I also remember that whatever is going on is just for now, and that tomorrow (or an hour from now) may be something very different.  You learn to take it all in stride. 

[NoSocks]

Thanks for the encourage and different point of view.

[bruceli]

For me, its been about staying aware of what is emotionally her stuff, and what is emotionally my stuff. Its about finding a healthy level of "closeness" on both the good days, and the bad.

I had to become less aware of my wife's emotions, and more aware of my own.  I still feel close to her, more than every before, but I am not enmeshed with her any more.  I can recognize when she's having a good day, or a bad one, and validate her without taking any ownership of her emotions.  I also remember that whatever is going on is just for now, and that tomorrow (or an hour from now) may be something very different.   You learn to take it all in stride. 

Very well put... . I also continuously test the water to check the moods and feelings at the moment.  Also very accurate as to it changing by the hour... .   As i read your reply couldn't help but let the "walking on eggshells" analogy run through my mind.

[Bloomer]

It's like everyone on here is in my head. I have found getting support from friends really helpful. However, it is so hard not feeling like "an emotional pendulum". You want to put up a wall on the good days to make the bad days easier but when you do, it's sure to make it a bad day. Confused yet? I am! I think we really have to take care of ourselves and make sure we're happy, regardless of what kind of day our BPD is in.

[Mcgddss]

I can't help thinking of them reflecting us - like at the beginning of the relationship when they are all great.

So, I am working on allowing myself to be vulnerable with my uBPDh hoping that he will reflect vulnerability back.

I know I am defensive because he has hurt me so much in the past.

But now that I think I know what is happening (BPD), I can handle my reaction to the rages better.

Right now, I feel like he speaks a foreign language and I have to remember to translate everything for him.

I am also focusing on keeping our house/lives calm ( which isn't easy working full time with two kids while he spends his days at home).

But when I think about this as a disorder, it just falls in line with the special diet that he is on, all the meds he takes and all the doctor visits I have to coordinate for his physical ailments.

And of course, having these boards helps a lot!

[Chosen]

So, I am working on allowing myself to be vulnerable with my uBPDh hoping that he will reflect vulnerability back.

For me, the situation is quite different.  While I have to accept uBPDh's "corrections", I can't be too vulnerable, or else he uses it as a weapon when he's dysregulated.  In the past I was too vulnerable and therefore he knew exactly what buttons to push so he could hurt me the most.  Now, even if I'm upset, I probably won't tell him and won't cry in front of him.  Don't want to give a dysregulated person this type of satisfaction... .

[allibaba]

So, I am working on allowing myself to be vulnerable with my uBPDh hoping that he will reflect vulnerability back.

I know I am defensive because he has hurt me so much in the past.

But now that I think I know what is happening (BPD), I can handle my reaction to the rages better.

Right now, I feel like he speaks a foreign language and I have to remember to translate everything for him.

I am also focusing on keeping our house/lives calm ( which isn't easy working full time with two kids while he spends his days at home).

Man oh man can I relate to this!  I stopped being human with my husband because I was too afraid that he would use it as ammunition against me later.  Finally I realized whether I put myself out there or not... . I would be fighting a constant battle unless I started to open up to my husband again.

Its been so so so so good.  Reaction was immediate.  Maybe that was a big part of what he was looking for from me in the first place.  AND then when he spins out of control I quietly stand my ground and make sure I don't give up the important stuff.

Its been a really awesome beginning of the journey for us.  He's sharing stuff I have never in a decade heard from him... . he's talking about his turmoils... . he's expressing joy again... . and then the funks seem to be easier to handle and he's definitely not taking them out on me as much!  woo hoo.

[Grey Kitty]

There are two "versions" of emotional closeness... .

One is intimacy, sharing of who you are and what you are feeling.

The other is enmeshment, confusing and conflating your feelings with their feelings.

The trick is to step away from the enmeshment... . and stay open to intimacy as much as you can. Whichever way it is going, it takes both people cooperating to do either version. I think a pwBPD is stuck aiming for enmeshment instead of intimacy way too much, and it is easy for us to get sucked in that direction by them.

Allibaba, it sounds like you are getting both parts of it right--great job!