I feel like I am unraveling today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was informed by my attorney today (after numerous calls and FINALLY a call back) that my wife was served the divorce paperwork on Friday.

I don't know what to feel. I know my wife has said she will contest the divorce, and she has that right. And what will happen is a hearing will be set up and I will have to present evidence of when we separated. Not an issue. But it will push out the actual divorce several weeks, if not months.

I only wonder, will it change how I feel once I am divorced? Will any of the questions be answered? I think not. So, what does one do as they wait for a legal document dissolving a marriage? Because the way I see it, it doesn't really change a thing. There is no explanation, no closure. And I am afraid, I will still be walking around wondering... . what the &^ just happened.

The only difference will be, we are no longer legally married and I am off the hook for paying certain things that I agreed to pay for in lieu of going to court for spousal support. Nothing will change with how fearful I am of life right now. I cannot ever imagine getting into another relationship. The thought makes my spine shudder... . I cannot imagine I am the only one who feels this?

Yet, I am 48 years old... . and I don't want to spend an eternity alone. But the thought of venturing out scares me beyond repair. It has been a solid 7 months I haven't seen her, and over a year since we separated. And yet, I feel entirely connected to her and I don't want to feel that anymore.

I think what has really scorched my soul is, I shared everything with her. I peeled back every layer of my internal workings and shared. And she crushed that to pieces by leaving 3 times. I still feel exposed and raw and I cannot stand that feeling anymore. And, more than likely, if as everyone states on these boards, she is long gone and thinks little if anything about me.

[spaceace]

I was informed by my attorney today (after numerous calls and FINALLY a call back) that my wife was served the divorce paperwork on Friday.

I don't know what to feel. I know my wife has said she will contest the divorce, and she has that right. And what will happen is a hearing will be set up and I will have to present evidence of when we separated. Not an issue. But it will push out the actual divorce several weeks, if not months.

I only wonder, will it change how I feel once I am divorced? Will any of the questions be answered? I think not. So, what does one do as they wait for a legal document dissolving a marriage? Because the way I see it, it doesn't really change a thing. There is no explanation, no closure. And I am afraid, I will still be walking around wondering... . what the &^ just happened.

The only difference will be, we are no longer legally married and I am off the hook for paying certain things that I agreed to pay for in lieu of going to court for spousal support. Nothing will change with how fearful I am of life right now. I cannot ever imagine getting into another relationship. The thought makes my spine shudder... . I cannot imagine I am the only one who feels this?

Yet, I am 48 years old... . and I don't want to spend an eternity alone. But the thought of venturing out scares me beyond repair. It has been a solid 7 months I haven't seen her, and over a year since we separated. And yet, I feel entirely connected to her and I don't want to feel that anymore.

I think what has really scorched my soul is, I shared everything with her. I peeled back every layer of my internal workings and shared. And she crushed that to pieces by leaving 3 times. I still feel exposed and raw and I cannot stand that feeling anymore. And, more than likely, if as everyone states on these boards, she is long gone and thinks little if anything about me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry man, I've been there, and it does get better.  I went into my relationship very naive with little or no boundaries, and I did what you did, opened up all the way to her, only to have it used against me later.  I've realized lately, now that I'm having real fun again, that BPD is an ugly disorder, and people with it are miserable almost all the time, talk about nothing but themselves, are always working angles and being intense.  What a fcking drag she was to be around, and yes, we had a lot of emotional investment, but for me it was based on fantasy, and absolutely didn't fit with the real relationship.  And yes, they really did care about us, or their version of us, for a time, as we fed their fantasy, but it's never about us really.

So the good news?  We're much smarter now, and more aware and present, and I can't see myself falling for that crap again.  Your divorce is a big step in your disconnect, and as you cut ties you will heal.  And the future Mrs. Right for both of us will benefit from our lessons learned in our time in hell.  "It just keeps getting better" is a healthy belief to adopt, as we make it true.  Good luck to us.

[spaceace]

fromheeltoheal, thanks for the words... . it does help... .

So much happened in my life while I was with this woman. I am amazed. And not in a good way.

The worst part, at times, I really felt like she was trying to dismantle my relationship with my 3 kids. I was told so many times, I needed to put her before my kids... . I never internally agreed with that. But externally, whenever she "felt" I put them before her, it was sheer hll... . And in the process of this marriage, I lost custody of one son (this was both of our second marriage). I lost my house in foreclosure. I lost the lease on a home we rented. As if that wasn't enough, I held on, thinking what, I don't know, and I just kept hoping, I would not lose her. And why? Why did I let all of this happen?

It is heartbreaking, and disturbing and crushing to the spirit to have opened up so wide only to be left so quickly, and then told, I was abusive towards her, and that was why she had to leave me. WTfudge... .

There is so much residual tar stuck to me from this woman. And I just want it gone. 

Good to know, people do come out the other side... . I hope to be there soon enough.

[fromheeltoheal]

One foot in front of the other my friend, it takes what it takes.  The divorce will be a big step, and it helped me to start visualizing a future without her, a very bright future, and then moving towards that.  It works.

[broken3]

Space,

After being married for over 20 years. I completely get where you re at.

I still love my stbex. Always will.

it's like a grenade was launched into your relationship. I still don't understand alot.

When I took a vow for better or worse. It actually meant something for me. Not just words.

I am trying deserately to fill the void with the things I enjoy doing.

Sometimes sucessfully, sometimes not so much.

The time that has passed has given me time to reflect, and appreciate, and made clear on who I need to be.

You will not be alone once you get your head clear of the fog.

In this day and age of internet sites. All you have to do is register and you wil find plenty of people out there that can elp you fulfill what you are longing for.

Just mak sure you are ready for the same and are head strongand ready for it.

[bpdspell]

SI've realized lately, now that I'm having real fun again, that BPD is an ugly disorder, and people with it are miserable almost all the time, talk about nothing but themselves, are always working angles and being intense.  What a fcking drag she was to be around, and yes, we had a lot of emotional investment, but for me it was based on fantasy, and absolutely didn't fit with the real relationship.  

Totally agree. Mine was totally self-absorbed and all about mememe meeeeeee! What a drag and I miss nothing about that controlling level of neediness. At times I felt like a mechanical dummy sitting in the room with him. I thought that by being there for him it would model how he could be there for me. FAT CHANCE. They only have emotional room for themselves.