Excessive gift-giving from someone with BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well it will be my birthday soon and I'm starting to wonder what my ex may or may not try and do since I've been NC with her for about 3 weeks.  It made me realize something though.  During our relationship she was BIG into giving gifts.  And it was almost always too much... . over the top... . to the point where I would almost feel uncomfortable.  I always thought she was extremely generous (and I still think she is to a certain extent) and I saw her go above and beyond in this way for her family and friends as well.  But now I wonder if BPD had anything to do with it?  Was she trying to earn love?  Make up for all the drama she caused?  Was it a compulsion designed to make her feel closer to people? 

Anyone notice anything similar?

[Tordesillas]

Well it will be my birthday soon and I'm starting to wonder what my ex may or may not try and do since I've been NC with her for about 3 weeks.  It made me realize something though.  During our relationship she was BIG into giving gifts.  And it was almost always too much... . over the top... . to the point where I would almost feel uncomfortable.  I always thought she was extremely generous (and I still think she is to a certain extent) and I saw her go above and beyond in this way for her family and friends as well.  But now I wonder if BPD had anything to do with it?  Was she trying to earn love?  Make up for all the drama she caused?  Was it a compulsion designed to make her feel closer to people? 

Anyone notice anything similar?

[Juliecelle]

Tordesillas,

I think you're onto something... . just today my husband brought home a rental car and asked me if I wanted one just like it! What the heck! He's been sleeping in the spare bedroom for over a week and has barely even spoken to me.

Like you suspect, I also think he's trying to earn my love. What a way to go. If he buys me a new car, WHEN I leave I'll be painted black without him having to say a word (though I know he'll say plenty--he just can't resist).

The gifts and gestures are nice but those darn strings attached to them just get in the way.

Oh, and happy birthday--in spite of the possible drama headed your way.

[PDX40]

Last Christmas my ex bought laundry baskets full of gifts for her cousin and his family.  During that time he was definitely being idolized... . two months later she ceased all contact because he didn't function the way she wanted.

Did I forget to say that she complain having no money after her shopping spree?

Pretty much the same happened also on Christmas and our daughter's birthday. We always agreed on being reasonable with gifts but when the time came, she was loaded with extra gifts from her mother. Afterwards, the same drama, complaining about too much money spent.

IMO there us definitely a connection between giving / buying love and receiving love, or maybe preparing a person for the next drama, so it will be easier to swallow (already wrapped up in a gift)

Many times I had the impression that my ex thought I was obligated to do something because she gave me xyz. I guess there was already always a thought behind gifts etc.

[NonBPDSpouse]

I do believe they try to win acceptance and buy forgiveness... .

They can't bring themselves to say the words "Im Sorry", So I think it is a lot easier for them to just buy you something.

[PDX40]

I do believe they try to win acceptance and buy forgiveness... .

They can't bring themselves to say the words "Im Sorry", So I think it is a lot easier for them to just buy you something.

Very true

[Grace58]

Mine was over the top with gift giving.  Even though she was broke, she would go into deep debt to buy the best presents. She told everyone what she got for people and how much she paid so I always saw it as a form of narcissism ("Look what a great mom/partner I am, I bought thousands of dollars worth of gifts! Even when I couldn't afford it!). 

One year I made an agreement with her to spend no more than 100 dollars on each other. I went over a little - got 110 dollar gift.  She dropped 5K on me and was furious that I stuck to our agreement.  Her lavish gifts always made me feel really uncomfortable, because they were never gifts for me, really.  They were a form of performance art.  And they were all about her.

[Tordesillas]

Exactly... . there was always the undertone of "Look what I did for you... . doesn't that make me great... . aren't I the most amazing girlfriend ever." 

[DeltaAlpha]

My experience was quite the opposite.

The "gifts" were really for her or about her - like an outfit (for her) and an accessory for me that she ended up keeping for herself. It was all about her.

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

My exBPBbf gave me a check for $500 toward the purchase of a camera I wanted for my birthday. Initially I objected, but he was relentless. So I graciously took it, deposited it and immediately put all of toward the remaining balance.

It was a bit extravagant to me as far as birthday presents go, but previously? He had offered to outright BUY the camera for my present. Cost for a NikonD7000? Yeah... . $1,200.00.

I agree that my exBPDbf was excessive in his gift-giving, but he was just excessive, period. 

Ms M

[hurtbyboderline]

My BPDGF is a shop-aholic. She spends, spends, spends. On herself, me & other people. Almost all the stuff she buys she doesn't really need. Example; just recently she bough a foot massage/bath unit. She used it once & I'll bet money that she'll NEVER use it again. Most money she spends on herself, then me, then others. She'll spend money on unnecessary stuff instead of paying bills. In 2 1/2 - 3 years she has gone through $195,000 in lump sum money received plus her $2100+ a month check. $35,000 went for a new car, $6000 went for a motorcycle she bought 3 years ago that she's put 300 miles on (a real biker huh?). Her bills are app. $1000 a month & $500 for cig's. Plus she gambles. An ice tea maker she used once. A spice rack w/ 20 spices in it (she doesn't really cook). Tons of cloths! I'll bet she has 60 + pairs of flip flops... . etc, etc, etc... .