Eggshells are killing my feet: Any tips outside the guides?

[Bloomer]

So I've been reading the guides and they have been very helpful in understanding some of the behaviors my uBPD husband displays and the ways in which I can set up boundaries and respond vs react. However, every day is different and sometimes using SET works and others it doesn't. Sometimes he acknowledges that me leaving the room was the best decision during that argument and other times he thinks I'm selfish. How do I handle the discrepancies that arise daily over my  behavior. The stress is wearing me so thin. He has only had 4 therapy sessions and so far his therapist is validating all of his feelings, making him feel more empowered to not compromise or empathize during a discussion.

Major recurring triggers and examples:

Interrupting him > whether it is to add a funny detail when telling a story to friends or to make a helpful suggestion

Changing plans > One day we decided on eggs and bacon for breakfast and when I realized we had stuff to make breakfast burritos and offered those, he felt that I disrespected him when I was just trying to be nice... .

Not trusting his decisions > He doesn't feel he should have to explain why he is suggesting a decision. I have to ask him why he's suggesting it to understand. And he doesn't like it when I make a "counter suggestion" because he feels like I don't trust his judgment. (I don't trust his judgment bc he makes poor decisions when he feels hurt)

Not taking his advice > This could be related to complicated situation like relationships with friends and family, or it could be what color I paint my nails. If he offers advice or I ask for it and I do something else, it is a problem for him. He feels, again, that I don't value his opinion. I do value his opinion, sometimes I just decide something else is better for me and he can't handle that.

Feelings of insecurity > I've come out of a very severe depression in the past 7 months or so. However, anytime I get insecure about something, he gets irritated and has no patience for me and then I feel upset that he isn't there for me.

Making suggestions > This could be as to which roads to take (I grew up where we live, he did not) or reminding him to do something. He values his independence so much that he perceives suggestions as a threat to that.

Having a bad day > If I am stressed or not having a good day (which happens to everyone) he tells me I'm a negative person and I don't see the positive in anything or compares me to other "happy" people.

Asking him to do something > I work, he doesn't but he feels that when he's at home, that is his time to do as he pleases. (Bc obviously when I'm working, I get to do whatever I want with my time). He does do chores during the day but I can't ask him to do anything. He doesn't feel he should have to do more chores just bc I work. Sometimes even asking him "what" he's doing is perceived as a threat.

Managing these triggers might be helped by answering these questions:

-How do I trust someone who can't be trusted to act in a respectful and loving way when they are hurt?

-How do I deal with my feelings of hurt when he tells me his needs are the ones not being met, when I feel like my needs are the ones that are constantly second-rate?

-How do I stick to my SET and boundary guidelines when the rules are always changing? (We once fought every day for a week because he was not willing to accept my real and valid feelings. Eventually I gave in because the stress was eating me alive)

-How do I handle the fact that he puts so much blame on me for the issues in our relationship despite the fact that his behavior contributed immensely to the severity of my previous depression and his actions have had such a negative effect on me and our relationship's stability?

-How do I stop feeling hurt when he's saying things out of hurt (that he'll probably apologize for later) in order to finish discussions about issues?

-How do I handle the codependency characteristics he displays? Right now I feel like I don't want to accept his help on anything because he'll just use it against me later.

-I know he has a booboo on his brain and heart that have led him to think differently, but how to I remind myself of this when I really wish he could react differently to these situations?

-HOW DO I KEEP MY SANITY?

 B.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[toomanyeggshells]

Well you've certainly described my life with my live-in uBPDbf.  You didn't mention rages so hopefully you don't have to deal with that in addition to all the other stuff.  The only thing I can tell you is to take it one minute/hour/day at a time and to do things for yourself outside the r/s that you enjoy.  If you have other things that are important to you, it may make it easier to deal with all of this.  I'm sure ppl with much more experience and expertise than me will answer your questions.   

[Bloomer]

Well you've certainly described my life with my live-in uBPDbf.  You didn't mention rages so hopefully you don't have to deal with that in addition to all the other stuff.  The only thing I can tell you is to take it one minute/hour/day at a time and to do things for yourself outside the r/s that you enjoy.  If you have other things that are important to you, it may make it easier to deal with all of this.  I'm sure ppl with much more experience and expertise than me will answer your questions.   

It's nice finding people who can relate to the roller coaster!

What do you do for any of those triggers?

There are rages with him, too. He has gotten better at managing those but the aggression is still there when he initially feels hurt or doesn't get what he wants. I have a lot going for me outside of the r/s and he even encourages those things for me. (I am an actress) However, it's hard to rehearse for an audition when half of my evening is spent discussing his feelings or I'm so tense I trigger a back injury. I have been taking Klonopin for the anxiety attacks that are set off by arguments. And I'm also in therapy.

[Mcgddss]

Bloomer

Isn't it odd to finally find people who understand exactly what you have been living with?

I really relate to your title and the idea of this being a roller coaster. 

One of the things that helps me the most is that I work with adolescents.  They change every second so the on a dime changes don't phase me as much now that I know what they are.

Also, this board is amazing.  When things go weird I just search around here and realize someone else has already posted about it.

[Bloomer]

Bloomer

Isn't it odd to finally find people who understand exactly what you have been living with?

I really relate to your title and the idea of this being a roller coaster. 

One of the things that helps me the most is that I work with adolescents.  They change every second so the on a dime changes don't phase me as much now that I know what they are.

Also, this board is amazing.  When things go weird I just search around here and realize someone else has already posted about it.

It really is! That does sound like it would be a big help. And it is exactly what it is like some days. Ironic that I am often told I'm behaving like a child or teenager. So hard not to laugh in his face with those comments!

[Angelnme]

Hi Bloomer,

It IS hard not to laugh at them when they're accusing / blaming us of doing / behaving the exact way they are at that moment! It's so clear to us! But that certainly makes it worse.

I'm new to the wonderful world of BPD. About 3 weeks ago a friend suggested I "look it up... . may be what's going on with him." yep, dead on. Finally it all makes sense! Yes it really has been a roller-coaster ride! I relate 100% to what you and everyone else here are going through. I just found this forum a few days ago and am so grateful to have so much advice and support at my fingertips!   In addition, I've read everything I can get my hands on to learn about the disorder.

Now comes the challenge: learning the tools to communicate better. Respond vs react etc. It's like learning a whole new language. And I'm learning that I have to focus more on me... . my responses, my breathing, my happiness... . and not so much on him and his disorder.

You asked some great questions. I too am seeking answers for the same questions. This has the potential to be a very enlightening thread... .

One thing I will comment on with regards to your comment about him getting irritated and having no patience when you're feeling insecure: pwBPD are exceptionally emotionally needy and typically CAN'T meet our emotional needs. Are you seeing a therapist? I plan to ASAP, I feel like some of his disorder has "rubbed off" on me over the years. Also, have you read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" yet? Excellent book.

I wish you lots of love and support!

[Bloomer]

One thing I will comment on with regards to your comment about him getting irritated and having no patience when you're feeling insecure: pwBPD are exceptionally emotionally needy and typically CAN'T meet our emotional needs. Are you seeing a therapist? I plan to ASAP, I feel like some of his disorder has "rubbed off" on me over the years. Also, have you read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" yet? Excellent book.

I am seeing a therapist. I have been for over a year now but more recently have started focusing on how I handle this relationship. Understand that he most likely has BPD has helped me, like you, to find resources on what it is and how to manage my side of our relationship. I highly recommend seeing a therapist because if I hadn't been when I didn't understand what was going on with him, I would have lost my head.

I too started raging a few months ago and that is actually what led to him suggesting he might have BPD. Crazy, right? I was so hurt by him and disappointed in myself for putting up with his treatment that I started to lash out. I have since started dealing with my emotions in therapy and working towards healthier ways of letting go of that resentment. Mirroring the BPD behavior is scary but I guess it gives us a taste of what they feel day in and out.

I haven't read that yet but I  have been deciding on a book to help me on my way to being more patient and understanding.

Feel free to reach out if you ever need to vent. Sometimes it feels so nice just to get it off your chest to someone who understands.

 B.

[Chosen]

Have you read the book "When Hope is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs?  It isn't talked about much here but I find it a very refreshing view towards BPD.

Basically Dobbs said that pwBPDs are in so much pain that they will do "anything to stop the pain", and that includes hurting us.  Ok, so we're hurt by their words and actions, no doubt, but it also helps to remember that they don't intend to do that to us, but actually they are doing it because it's the only way they know how to cope with their emotions.

I guess logically speaking, knowing this doesn't change reality.  But it allowed me to finally not believe in what he is saying when he is dysregulated.  This is extremely important for me, and it was a first step for my own well-being.  I stopped replaying all the things he has said and just looked at the emotions behind.  It helped me not to be bitter (maybe sometimes still a bit bitter, but less  ). 

[Bloomer]

Have you read the book "When Hope is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs?  It isn't talked about much here but I find it a very refreshing view towards BPD.

Basically Dobbs said that pwBPDs are in so much pain that they will do "anything to stop the pain", and that includes hurting us.  Ok, so we're hurt by their words and actions, no doubt, but it also helps to remember that they don't intend to do that to us, but actually they are doing it because it's the only way they know how to cope with their emotions.

I guess logically speaking, knowing this doesn't change reality.  But it allowed me to finally not believe in what he is saying when he is dysregulated.  This is extremely important for me, and it was a first step for my own well-being.  I stopped replaying all the things he has said and just looked at the emotions behind.  It helped me not to be bitter (maybe sometimes still a bit bitter, but less  ). 

I will check that out. Today was a very bad start. I posted on the Staying or Leaving board because I just feel so broken right now. I know he doesn't mean to but he will still feel justified in feeling upset about things or still feel there's truth  in some of the things he says because that is his reality. And in his reality I am terrible. And I'm starting to wonder if that will change no matter how much therapy he has.

[briefcase]

What do you do about his triggers?  The first step is to realize they are his triggers.  His behaviors and reactions are much more about him and what's going on inside his own head, than anything you did or didn't do. 

It's a mistake to think If I do A then it causes him to behave B.  So, if I don't do A, or if I do C, he won't behave B anymore.  You can't manage his emotions for him, and its a fundemental mistake to try.  We can only control our end of things - how we communicate, how we respond, how much we will take, etc.  He will do what he does.  Take care of your side of the street - don't try to change him.   

[Blazing Star]

Hi Bloomer,

I see myself in your words. I know it is hard and painful at times. And not nice at all feeling like anxious is your normal.

It sounds like you are working hard and asking all the right questions!

One thing that stands out for me is that a lot of it is focused on him, and as we know we cannot change another. Also focusing on him can feed that helpless feeling.

My number one tip for keeping sane is to focus on yourself. It sounds like you are almost at breaking point, that hovering on the edge feeling is very familiar to me. When I feel this, and it feels like everywhere I walk are those darn eggshells then for me it is a  that I need to stop and take some time for me. When I am consumed by it this can be hard, so I have a book with happy lists, and I will turn to the book and do one of the things on the list, and another and another.

Some things on my happy list are:

- Take myself on a cake and hot chocolate date and people watch

- Have a long hot bath

- Take a candle lit shower

- Artfully arrange a tasting plate for myself with whatever is in the fridge, cheese, grapes, dark chocolate, pesto, olives, nuts. Take my time and eat it mindfully in a cosy chair.

Now it sounds almost too simple I know, but once you fill your cup up again then all of the BPD stuff you will be able to handle much much better.

As briefcase said, they are his triggers. You can't do anything about them, except radically accept, practise validation, and keep your boundaries around how you will be spoken to etc.

To answer your questions (as if they were my own, so keep in mind what works for me may not work or feel right for you):

-How do I trust someone who can't be trusted to act in a respectful and loving way when they are hurt?

I don't.

I understand that he is incapable of acting this way when he is hurt.

If I have needs that aren't being met by him I will get them met elsewhere - I have a friend who understands the situation and often I will text her with a "can I have some empathy" kind of message.

-How do I deal with my feelings of hurt when he tells me his needs are the ones not being met, when I feel like my needs are the ones that are constantly second-rate?

I self-soothe. It feels awful when my needs aren't being met.

I remind myself he is incapable right now. I validate (bc I can sure relate to the feeling of not having my needs met!), and then I soothe my hurt feelings, get out my happy book.

-How do I stick to my SET and boundary guidelines when the rules are always changing? (We once fought every day for a week because he was not willing to accept my real and valid feelings. Eventually I gave in because the stress was eating me alive)

I accept that he is unable to accept my feelings. I choose not to engage in conversations that hurt me. I make boundaries that are about me, not him, so they are not effected by his behaviour i.e. I won't hang around when someone is yelling at me.

-How do I handle the fact that he puts so much blame on me for the issues in our relationship despite the fact that his behavior contributed immensely to the severity of my previous depression and his actions have had such a negative effect on me and our relationship's stability?

This is a tough one.

I radically accept that this says more about him, than it does about me. I try to have compassion.

I also accept that I have allowed him to act in certain ways, that I put up with things that I shouldn't have.

I know the Truth, and I hold on to that, and as long as I know it within, then I don't feel the need to make him see it too.

-How do I stop feeling hurt when he's saying things out of hurt (that he'll probably apologize for later) in order to finish discussions about issues?

I don't stop feeling hurt. I allow myself to feel the hurt, I cry and self-soothe when I am alone.

I also remember that he doesn't always mean what he says.

-How do I handle the codependency characteristics he displays? Right now I feel like I don't want to accept his help on anything because he'll just use it against me later.

This depends on where I am at. If I need to keep myself emotionally safe then I won't accept his help.

If I am feeling strong I will be quite honest about it, but keep it about me and say "I really want to open up, and I am finding it hard, I feel like if I expose some vulnerability then I am opening myself up to being hurt. Do you think you can be really gentle with me around this issue?"

-I know he has a booboo on his brain and heart that have led him to think differently, but how to I remind myself of this when I really wish he could react differently to these situations?

I have a few things I do to remind myself:

- the BPD I see as a monster that takes over my partner. It is a hairy drooley thing, but if you look closely you will see the fear in its big blue eyes. This visualisation helps me to remember that he is not himself right now, and to have compassion.

- if it is a little snarky comment and I haven't the energy/inclination to validate or engage then I ignore and just pretend that he said something really nice, and I smile and change the subject.

- if I haven't the energy/inclination/emotional security to engage then I just do a Homer Simpson and its "blah blah blah" that comes out of his mouth so I am not affected.

- working through the Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook really really helped me to get back in touch with my compassion for him

-HOW DO I KEEP MY SANITY?

See Happy List above. Keeping our sanity is so important! What is on your happy list?

I hope some of this resonates with you Bloomer. Let us know.

Love Blazing Star

[Bloomer]

What do you do about his triggers?  The first step is to realize they are his triggers.  His behaviors and reactions are much more about him and what's going on inside his own head, than anything you did or didn't do. 

It's a mistake to think If I do A then it causes him to behave B.  So, if I don't do A, or if I do C, he won't behave B anymore.  You can't manage his emotions for him, and its a fundemental mistake to try.  We can only control our end of things - how we communicate, how we respond, how much we will take, etc.  He will do what he does.  Take care of your side of the street - don't try to change him.   

This was really helpful. I have realized I can't try to change him but trying not to trigger him is impossible and I really need to work on my validation skills because when the heat is too hot, I can explode too. Nothing I do or don't do will change him and I accepting that it isn't "me" is a really powerful idea. Thank you Briefcase

B.

[Bloomer]

Blazing Star,

 

You get two hugs because your response was so VERY helpful. Thank you so much. I am going to keep your list of suggestions in a safe place so I can remind myself of them. I will share the Happy List I've made. What a great idea.

B's Happy List

-Cuddling or spending quality time with our dog (he gives the best hugs and is so soft)

-Taking a walk and calling a friend to chat about non-related topics

-Baking -it's really therapeutic for me because I enjoy it

-Painting- it helps me shut off my brain

-Going to the park and reading or journaling

I find getting away from H helps reduce my anxiety, even if it's just sitting on the front porch with our dog. Just not feeling his tension helps. I am a very sensitive person so I become like an emotional chameleon. This is good when people around me are happy, not so much when they are  disregulated.

Thanks again for the suggestions. I'll keep everyone updated on how I'm doing with validation techniques and "me". I'm so glad I found this site. Everyone on here has been amazing and it's so reassuring to have people who understand.

[Blazing Star]

Yay You!

I love your happy list - baking is a great one!

I find getting away from H helps reduce my anxiety, even if it's just sitting on the front porch with our dog. Just not feeling his tension helps. I am a very sensitive person so I become like an emotional chameleon. This is good when people around me are happy, not so much when they are  disregulated.

I hear you, I am sensitive too, and even though rationally I might be telling myself "don't take it personally", sometimes I just do by mere proximity. So it's great you recognise this, and can just take yourself away from the tension!

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully! Looking forward to hearing how it goes.

Love Blazing Star

[Mcgddss]

I used to keep the book "10,000 things to be happy about" on my desk - I may have to invest in the new book (it is up to 14,000).

Or, for when anyone needs it:

www.thingstobehappyabout.com/