Ever write a letter to your pwBPD/NPDm? Need tips.

[TenaciousMe]

Hi folks. I'm 18 mos NC with my BPD/NPDm... . In my recovery, I realized that it is important for me to express certain things to my mother - not as much for her benefit. But for mine. I need and want to tell her exactly why I went NC. I feel like I've been hiding from her and want to reclaim some sense of identity and power. (My initial NC email was two sentences.)

I've written a few drafts - using a DBT model as a guide. I'm trying to be non-blaming, but clear and honest. Intellectually, I know I should have NO expectations of what may come of this letter. Emotionally, of course, I have all KINDS of expectations -- that my mother will ignore me, shame me, guilt me, fog me. Or, by some miracle, will come to her senses and take responsibility for her actions.

I should also mention that on the advice of a child psychologist, I recently facilitated a brief email exchange between my mom and my DD7. The psychologist felt it was important for my daughter to have whatever limited contact I could stomach. Email was it. It went just fine. DD7 got what she wanted and stopped begging me to call and visit BPD/NPDm, apparently content to know that her grandma is still out there and still loves her.

Has anyone ever sent a letter like this? How did it feel? How did your pwBPD respond? Was it helpful?

[skinny13]

Hi TenaciousMe,

In my experience, writing to my uBPD/NPDm has never gone over well, no matter how beautifully crafted my email is. I am what most of my friends would call level-headed, and I'm careful about reading emails before I send them. But no matter how I try to word everything (as clearly and maturely as possible), she will a) not hear what I'm really saying b) twist its meaning. It's safe to assume that it will set off either a rage or the silent treatment (at least in my case).

In my opinion, you really should just write it for yourself and focus on what you need to say to help your own healing. I know it's hard, but try to let go of any expectations or anxiety around how she'll react.

[Cordelia]

I similarly went de facto NC first, in my case for about 6 months, and then wrote a letter about the reasons.  In my case I felt it wasn't so much for me as for my mom, that she needed to know why I wasn't speaking to her.  Even if she wasn't able to hear it or twisted it to suit her own worldview, at least I would have done my part and expressed my side of things.  My mom didn't respond at all, continuing the state of affairs from before the letter, and I'm still not in touch with her.

I have mixed feelings about doing it.  On the one hand it felt assertive at the time to say what I felt, without fear and without concern for the consequences.  On the other hand, I think it did take the focus off of myself and my own healing and continued to pour energy into a dead relationship.  So it was maybe not the best use of time. 

It really depends on where things are with you and your BPDm.  If you've already been NC for a while and are happy with the state of affairs as it is I actually think you're at less risk than someone separating for the first time.  But it also depends very heavily on the personality of your pwBPD.  If she is aggressive and unpredictable and tends to lash out, it might be better not to wake a sleeping bear.  If she tends to be more passive, manipulative, and dedicated to painting herself as the victim of every situation (like my mom) you run less risk of a violently disruptive response.  I suspect my mom secretly LOVED getting that letter, because it put down in black and white how her daughter rejected her, thus freeing her in her own eyes from any further responsibility to try to have a relationship with me.  It was probably a huge relief and exciting opportunity to garner pity from everyone she knew.  But the lines of BS she feeds herself and her friends are thankfully not my problem anymore.  I said what I felt I needed to say, and that's all. 

[Clearmind]

I did - kept to three main things so as to not add to the confusion. I kept it short, wrote it in S.E.T and at end stated what I needed going forward - non-negotiable

I was not attached to the outcome - I needed to do it.

[Ker2See]

In my case, it hasn't worked.  No matter how matter of fact I've tried to be, my position has been interpreted as hateful.  In fact, I have tried this route twice.   Both times I received seething letters back, filled with attempts at guilt trips, claims that I hate my mother with a passion and a total lack of acknowledgement of any responsibility on her part.  I've given up on the letter writing and have committed to take one run ad addressing my mother's BPD issues and related behavior... . it will start with my enDad.  If I can get him at least a little on board, there will really be no sense to further attempt any kind of reconciliation.

[nomom4me]

In my experience, everything turns into a bargaining session with the disordered parent.  They see everything as currency, holidays, gifts, boundaries... . it's like a trampoline they can't help but jump to test how much leeway they have, unless you make it clear that jumping will result in a major loss for them - and I can't claim total success with creating win/loose situations with my mom, she has a talent for creating them right back at me.  I'm on VLC because I'm not in a place where I want to bargain with her, mail and email contact has historically been horrible with her.  She usually initiates, I respond letting her know what my limits are and those limits are pushed until I just can't take anymore pushing and either give in or disengage.  As long as she has your address, I am guessing you'll get a letter back... . and another one if that goes unanswered, and she could start sending messages or planting seeds with your D.  Proceed with caution, as Clearmind stated not being tied to outcome is key, but I think it's also wise to hope for the best (no pushback) but expect the worst (the floodgates could open on you).

I don't do email or letters with my mom and don't plan to, we had years of it and I am just exhausted and don't trust my mom to keep a holiday card short or appropriate. I am now consecutive contact only - I'm open to phone, maybe (short) video chats but she has extended the no mail boundary to exclude me from family events (we never planned family events via mail before I made this boundary).

If you do decide to send a letter, keep it short and make boundaries clear - perhaps clarify what is, and what is not tolerated in contact with your D.  IMHO, if she feels like she could loose her email contact with your D is going to be far more willing to play by your rules.  I don't like using this tactic with my mother, but I have learned through years of dealing with her that it comes down to being the shark or being bait.  If your feel safe about her contact with your D and have lingering issues from past interactions with her, maybe it could be one of those letters you don't send.  I've learned it's better to say what I need to say to a therapist or friend and have a poker-face with my mother has much as possible.  It sucks, I want a normal mom who can positively mirror me but I know looking for that is going to give me more of a warped fun-house mirror effect.  At this point my mom cannot mail me, and I have thought about sending a letter registered mail but even a short letter reinforcing boundaries that are long established could be getting into a situation where my words are either used against me or warped into a crazy bargain fest.

[TenaciousMe]

Wow. It always staggers me how much we all have in common here. 

This was just the reality check I needed. nomom4me, Cordelia, skinny13 - I think we all have the same kind of mother. Sadly.

Clearmind - thank you for referencing S.E.T. That is one of the techniques I learned in my DBT class and I will definitely use it in this letter.

I think - as Cordelia mentioned - I need to do my part to fully explain my side of things. Then even if she acts out - or more likely - twists things and plays victim - at least I know I've given it my absolute best shot at bringing clarity.

Part of me thinks this is just part of my grieving process, part of the letting go. I have to exhaust yet another avenue of potential connection with my mother to fully understand and embrace her limitation. Observing her manipulations from a distance just further demonstrates how little (if any at all) unconditional love she has for me. It is all just a game to her. An empty, pathetic game.

Honestly, her behavior during this NC period has taught me so much about how crippled she is emotionally. And in a lot of ways it has allowed me to give up so much of the responsibility and blame I accepted for every failure in our relationship. I see now how heartbreakingly one-sided it has always been. Always. She has always been the child. I have always been the adult.

I simply cannot imagine acting as my mother has acted if I were in the same circumstance with my own daughter. And I am eternally grateful for having that much awareness.

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

I wrote a letter, but I never sent it because I didn't finish it.

Why, you ask?

Because I didn't feel like expending any more of my precious energy on him.

And because I had laundry to do, and well... . I don't know about you guys, but... .

I kinda dig having clean underbritches! 

Ms M.

[CarolinaGirl]

I worked on a letter for months and finally sent it, as others have said to give reasons why I wasn't speaking to my dad. It did not go over well at all. It felt as though he picked out selective words and molded them into his own sentences. It felt good to send it after months and months of reading/writing/revision, but it accomplished nothing for me.

[Utkatasana]

In my case, it hasn't worked.  No matter how matter of fact I've tried to be, my position has been interpreted as hateful.  In fact, I have tried this route twice.   Both times I received seething letters back, filled with attempts at guilt trips, claims that I hate my mother with a passion and a total lack of acknowledgement of any responsibility on her part. 

In my experience, everything turns into a bargaining session with the disordered parent.  They see everything as currency, holidays, gifts, boundaries... . it's like a trampoline they can't help but jump to test how much leeway they have, unless you make it clear that jumping will result in a major loss for them... .

My wife and I spent a year trying to engage my BPDm on her boundary issues and the above comments pretty much sums up our experience. We are coming up on 3 years of NC and we've been much happier since eliminating BPDm's drama.

[hopeforhealing]

I grappled with this question for quite a while but ultimately decided against sending a letter, though I have written a few.  I made that decision based on what I thought was best both for me and for my mother.  It took a while for me to begin to accept that there is no way she will ever really hear what I have to say or take any responsibility whatsoever, and that any efforts to hold her accountable on my part will be met only with the same cycle of blaming and shaming that has characterized our dysfunction for 40+ years.  As for her, she will just get deeply upset and kick into a profound depressive/dissociative cycle that could stretch on for several days, making herself and her husband absolutely miserable and creating the possibility of escalation.  Just not worth it.  She's never going to get it, so why put any of us through that?

It took me a while to realize that part of me actually wanted her to understand her actions so that she could feel as bad as I have felt over the years.     I'm still working on letting that go.  In my heart of hearts I wish her peace and comfort, so I try every day to live and think in accordance with that.  It's a work in progress for sure.

[Santa Clara]

Hi!

I wrote a letter to my BPDmum to explain why I wouldn't be seeing her this year.  For me it was an important step to express how I felt (something that I was never able to do as a child). 

I kept the email short and sweet and I hope free of blame.  I just stated very simply my feelings in response to some of the things she had said/done recently.  I kept things factual and explained why I had come to the conculsion not to see her this year.  I wrote quite a few drafts before I sent it!

I had no intention of reading her response to my email.  I set up a system so only my husband would read her response and then he would let me know if there was anything important I needed to know from her response.  He could tell me the general gist of her response.  When he did read her response he simply told me she had not understood what I was saying.  That was all I had to know.  I felt so free and happy not having to feel bad just because my BPDmum wanted me to be bad.  This was quite a breakthrough.

I also set up caller ID so I don't speak to her on the phone.

So for me it was very beneficial to write to BPDmum and let her know how I felt and why I was not seeing her.  It was like not being scared anymore, and doing things for myself, by my own rules instead of always supressing my own feelings to save hers. It felt like I became an adult in the relationship and I have peace of mind I did my best. I don't think it would have worked for me however, had I allowed myself to read her response.

Maybe this will help.

Good luck.

[Santa Clara]

Hi,

I am back again.  After I wrote my response to this subject earlier today it got me thinking.  There was something else I gained from writing to BPDmum and letting her know how I felt in reaction to some things she has said/done recently... .

When I wrote my email to her I had a tiny thread of hope that maybe once my BPDmum knew that her actions and words had hurt me that she may possibly realize and regret her behaviour. MI had never told her before specifically that I had felt hurt by her.  By writing this I was giving her the chance to understand how she affects me and to appologize. 

Of course she didn't appologize, and from what I understand from my husband, I guess she took my email and interpreted it through her own twisted lens.  But the fact that she did this even when I spoke openly about feeling hurt gave me a freedom.  It allowed me to realize that really she is not the mother I long for and most likely will never be. This realization has helped me a lot to let go of that hopeless 'hope' and longing for a loving mother that I have been hanging onto.  It felt like it presented me with a picture of reality.  Before I could think that maybe my mum doesn't know how much she hurts me, maybe she doesn't mean it, maybe she will come and hug me and love me and support me.  But now that she knows she has hurt me deeply and still is not interested in healing the relationship, well, it means I can give up hoping and let go of her a little more.

If I were to find out I had hurt my own daughters feelings deeply I know I would do anything to heal the hurt and the realtionship.  That my mother hasn't the same feelings and desire, somehow puts things into perspective.

This post is all a bit rambling, but I have to admit it is helping me to write and hopefully it may help you.

xx

[TenaciousMe]

Santa Clara -- I just wanted to reach out and thank you so much. Your responses have given me the last piece of insight I think I needed to make my decision.

I feel so much like you do. I even told my husband about your post and he agreed to read whatever response is forthcoming from my mother. I need to give her that one last opportunity to dispel my own "hopeless hope" -- so that I can be free. Of guilt, of expectation, etc. etc. I'm almost there.

Like you -- I am finally coming to terms with this fact: "If I were to find out I had hurt my own daughters feelings deeply I know I would do anything to heal the hurt and the realtionship.  That my mother hasn't the same feelings and desire, somehow puts things into perspective."

I wrote a letter. Now I am just mustering the courage -- and calibrating my expectations -- in order to send it.

[Santa Clara]

Hi TenaciousMe.  I just wanted to check in and see how it went writing to your Mum?  Hope all is well xx

[TenaciousMe]

Hi there. So after many rewrites, and feedback from friends, husband and my therapist -- I finally sent the letter about a month ago. I had resigned myself to never sending it, then I read "Mother, Daughter Me" -- a book about a very similar situation to mine in which the author realizes the mother's limitations and the mother finally takes responsibility for her actions... And they find a tolerable middle ground...

That book made me realize that what I wanted to ask for from my mother - knowing full well I may never get it -- was empathy and validation. And I also wanted to assert some boundaries. SO that's what I did in a two-page letter.

I sent the book along too, emphasizing that I had hopes we could have a more authentic relationship if she could take responsibility for her actions (for giving up custody of my sister and me and various other things) and show empathy for us.

She responded in a round-about way. She sent me a one line email on my wedding anniversary. "Happy Anniversary." No acknowledgement of the package.

I asked if she'd received it. She replied "Yes, I did.  Thank you.  I will respond after I put some thought into it and read a little of the book."

So I'm waiting now for her response. I'm trying not to have expectations. My mother hasn't shown any interest since this summer in keeping up any email contact with my daughter... .So I'm becoming more and more clear on her ambivalence about us and how her interest dries up when there's nothing in it for her... .

[Clearmind]

You have it much thought Tenacious! You have done your part and if mum doesn't come half way you have your boundaries you can instill.

Honestly boundaries and limits are needed for everyone in our life. Many are capable of over stepping boundaries.

You know what you need and sometimes we need to accept our parents may not be capable of fulfilling all of them - embrace the ones she can!

We have much healing to do and it does get to a stage of acceptance.

Sincerely hope you are goin ok and check back in when you get a reply. Mums trying. Try to let go of expectations - they are ours we place on others and inevitably lead to disappointment.

[Santa Clara]

Hi TenaciousMe,

Thanks for keeping us updated.  Well done for taking those steps, very brave.  And believe me I know waiting for a response is one of the most difficult things! 

I hope she responds soon to give you some kind of closure.

If she doesn't respond soon, I would guess that could be some kind of a game on her part and it probably wouldn't be worth holding your breath waiting for her to take responsibility. 

I would say be careful of allowing her to manipulate you.  I say this because I find it difficult myself to identify when I am being manipulated. Until about a year ago I had no idea she was even manipulating me at all!  I just knew I felt bad (a dark kind of feeling). It also took me until about a year ago to realize that bad feeling was called 'guilt'. 

Funny how things that are so obvious can be so 'invisible'. 

I am not saying that is what is going on with you, as I don't know, but it was my story and possbily can help you... .

Anyway, let us know how you get along. xx

[Pam64]

Hi,

I have written letters to both my sister and Mum (both have BPD) and sadly all have backfired.  In my family I have found that if I say how I feel then my sister and Mum tend to make it worse by pushing the knife in further.  I am extremely cautious about how I write letters - no blame, etc, just statement of fact but it seems by being vulnerable to them doesnt help me.  Once I said that I needed some space and would contact later and was labeled an uncaring and evil daughter to everyone that would listen.

I'm no expert and still trying to learn how to deal with my family but I'd like to suggest that try to have your boundaries up with no expectations to avoid getting hurt more. I dont know how to do it as I seem to still get hurt but after 48 years of it I dont get as hurt as I did when I was younger. 

Wishing you the outcome you'd like.  Good luck