How do you handle friends/family who advise you to leave?

[wellnowonder]

I'm not sure if I am posting this in the right place :0

How do you deal with solicited or unsolicited advice about your relationship with BPD?

I have confided in with very few people and never mentioned my SO is unBPD.  I also don't tell anyone alot because I am sure people would think I was lying if I told them everything I have been through with unBPD.

The ones who are aware of issues strongly urge me to leave and when I don't comply it definitely creates friction for me not heeding advice. Most recently a dear friend convinced me I needed to flee to a shelter because I am being emotionally abused.  I didn't follow thru and now I am being ignored.

The thing is most people who know me well do not know my SO or the dynamics of the relationship that comes with BPD. So do I stop confiding in anyone about my struggles to avoid awkward situations when I don't take someone's advice? 

[wellnowonder]

Also, it should go without saying that I appreciate all advice given on this forum.  Most people here know what it's like to be in a relationship with BPD person and can understand why we dot react to things people would in a normal relationship.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I tell very few people, and took me many, many years to tell those few people.  Those who I've told know enough to understand why I've stayed in the past.  I can't expect most people to understand.  

You may find it more difficult because you're not married.  Others may not understand why anyone would stay when leaving is much more simpler than a pricy and messy divorce.  

You're right that if you told everything, people wouldn't believe you.  Many people have never had a close relationship with a pwBPD so they can't fathom how irrational, dishonest, crazy, and raging that they can be.

If you can identify one or two friends that will be more understanding, then limit your discussions to those couple of people.  

Good luck.

[qwaszx]

I think the same thing, I don't tell many of the people I'm close to anything about her unless it was a good funny moment, or something positive, if I said anything about the crap she's pulled they wouldn't believe me, or just tell me not to be friend her then... . well I am not about to go anywhere. so the only person I talk to about her is my mom, she is an EA so kinda understands a bit more then more people, but if she knew everything I'm sure she might not react the same... . to me though its worth it, don't know why yet, but it is.

so pretty much just come and share on here if I have a issue, or something I need to get off my chest, because unless you have lived it, you can't understand.  

[HoldingAHurricane]

I found people generally very judgemental and I regret telling all but one person to be honest. All but the one, expressed the opinion that I should leave and variations of that course of action. I think the weight of their (real or imagined) judgements makes it feel heavy and I feel as if they are constantly thinking about it when we see each other. In the end I just said that he was in therapy now and I had decided to go with a wait and see approach but that I was taking steps to be safe (he smashed some of my property and verbally threatened me). I acknowledged it was very hard to see someone go through this and how important their concern has been. I hoped they would wait and see with me but ultimately I wasn't asking anything of them in relation to him.

[nodoover]

I try to be in the other persons shoes. If I see someone in a bad relationship I tend to think the same thing, they should leave. So when anyone tells me that I realize we don't live in each others world.

I can't see the good or feel the love or reasons for staying nor can they see mine.

I am careful who I tell because it tends to scare off friends with happy normal lives. They want to hang with people who don't have major problems.

[waverider]

First off no one has any understanding of BPD, and most probably have never heard of it. So often when you try to confide its a case of too much info to take in, or too little info for them to get any feel for it. You really have to live with it to have any clue, and even then its not easy.

Its like they are watching you bang yourself on the head with a brick, then complain of headaches, so they give the obvious advice to stop hitting yourself with a brick. You cant blame them for that

If you can get yourself into a head space where you are thinking more constructively about it, rather than just negative venting, then you will find the way you talk about the RS will not elicit those responses from others. As often they are just mirroring the obvious answer to someone who is being negative.

This inability to believe in yourself and not be influenced by others is the equal and opposite side of the coin of why a pwBPD can equally have a negative impact on you.

If you can get to that centered balanced sense of self it wont matter what others thing, whether it be the pwBPD on one side or well meaning friends and family on the other. Believe in yourself and it matters not what others think

[musicfan42]

I don't think the answer is to stop confiding in anyone... . I think it's important that you have support.

But people tend to burn out after a while of hearing a family member/friend complain about an abusive partner. It's very very stressful having to listen to it-it makes me so worried, wondering if something will happen to my loved one yet knowing that I'm completely powerless to do anything for the person... . it makes me feel helpless. When people burn out, they lose their empathy towards their loved one and grow very angry, thinking "why doesn't he/she just leave? he/she is being a doormat/weak for not doing so" etc and tend to withdraw because they can't deal with it anymore.

My mother had a friend who was in an abusive relationship and patiently listened to her complaints for about 20 years but the friend never left the abusive husband. That is really the worst case scenario and it's the one that family/friends fear the most-that's why there's such a tone of urgency in family/friends pleas to leave an abusive partner because they fear that the person will never leave.

[Jeansok]

This is a good topic. I'm too open and have told many people around me. I have had good and bad experiences with this. Of course, who I thought were my friends, go behind my back where it gets around to my H. Then, the people that do understand, like my sister, oddly enough have been through a very similar situation. I think it validates it for me when I tell someone we can't do something because "that's just the way he is"... . they don't see what happens behing closed doors and BPD's are VERY charming their closest friends might not ever know... . It helps me to talk about it so people understand... . but I've heard that's not good.

[zkirtz]

I think every advise is useful and that it is worth to ask why they say this.

Do not respond immediately but just think about it. Or say something like "Ill think about it" If they want to know your opinion they'll ask and it is often just out of genuine and understandable concern. Did you change? Do you look tired? Are you depressed?

If no then feel free to completely ignore them! 

[SundayRose]

Unfortunately, this is the very reason that I have not told a soul in my life about my situation.  No one would understand.  Not my friends.  Not my family.  And I get it.  If someone I loved was telling me about a situation with their spouse that resembled mine, I would probably tell them to leave immediately.  BPD is such a complex thing and unless you have been there, you cannot even begin understand it.  It is truly one of those things that unless you have experienced it yourself, you just have no idea what you would really do in such a situation.  That is why I am sitting here posting my innermost thoughts on an internet message board.

[Vindi]

this is a catch 22, yes taking others advise is great, but do they really know what is going on? i mean really really know the dynamics of BPD?

So its hard to say, you have a close family friend or what not who truly knows what goes on on BPD relationships, then yes, i'd hear that person out, sometimes we don't like to hear the truth, yes maybe be in denial etc... . but its up to you and only you to stay or go... . and what is that lil' voice in your saying?

[Southern_Belle]

Good discussion! This has caused me a lot of tension and anxiety in my friendships. I've told too many friends and let them in on too much detail. Even though they know he's BPD, they still think he's a total jerk. Many friends have advised me to leave (though me and BPD bf no longer live together, we still communicate and see each other) and cut him completely out of my life. I haven't done that and they have become rather frustrated with me. I have taken to not sharing anything anymore.

[waverider]

It is a good barometer of how YOU are controlling YOUR life and YOUR behavior. In short how effective you are at stopping the pwBPD getting under your skin and then projecting those frustrations to friends and family.

Ask yourself

Are winging too much?

Are you over blaming pwBPD completely for everything?

Are you not successful in boundaries and either fueling or escalating conflict?

You are not managing to adopt acceptance effectively and allowing resentment to build up?

As you go further down the path of better handling the RS then you will find you will not be under the weather as much, and you will not be leaning on others to let the negativity out. Hence you will hear these suggestions less.

That's not blaming you for everything but more like a measure of your inability to cope.

[wellnowonder]

Sadwife, I am married with children so you know how difficult it could be to leave :/

Nodoover, yep when it comes to my happy normal friends I zip my lips about everything!

Waverider, great points.  My closest friend I do confide a lot of my issues to grew up in a dysfunctional family, with a parent with NPD.  So it seems natural for both of us to vent a lot of negative crap with each other because nobody else really gets mental illness that we know.  However, she is out of that household and has a stable life so I can see why my venting bothers her.  I do think she wants to see my happy but feels helpless because I am so stubborn and yes of the roles were reversed I would be frustrated too.

I will work on constructive thinking rather than emotionally reacting.  Because when I am Hirt she's the first person I turn too.

[daylily]

I just want to add another "side effect" of talking to people who don't understand BPD.  I find that it's helpful (if not imperative) for me to have a support system and people to talk to about my experiences with my uBPDh.  However, I find that talking to people who have the normal reaction of blaming my H for our problems causes me to be more resentful.  It's a lost easier to focus on the "he's a jerk" perspective when someone you care about is saying it and focusing on it.  It just makes me more angry and less inclined to want to make the relationship better myself.

  Daylily 

[waverider]

I just want to add another "side effect" of talking to people who don't understand BPD.  I find that it's helpful (if not imperative) for me to have a support system and people to talk to about my experiences with my uBPDh.  However, I find that talking to people who have the normal reaction of blaming my H for our problems causes me to be more resentful.  It's a lost easier to focus on the "he's a jerk" perspective when someone you care about is saying it and focusing on it.  It just makes me more angry and less inclined to want to make the relationship better myself.

  Daylily 

Exactly, thats why you need to be careful it can inflame rather than support if you are not centered in the way you talk about these things.

[danley]

I've confided and vented to a few of my very close friends/family. They have never met my ex as I kept our relationship to myself. When I finally came out to tell them after we had broken up they were all stunned. They didn't judge but of course they didn't exactly get the warm fuzzies. They were just as shocked as me about his sudden behavior. They gave advice but told e it was ultimately up to me how I wanted to handle things. Of course they were upset that he hurt me and they agreed there may be something wrong with him or he's just a plain old jerk.

I also talked to his two friends about the situation. We all work together . But I didn't talk crap about my ex. Simply I said that we weren't getting along and he was going thru a lot of emotional distress. The main focus was on my ex and his odd behavior. I asked his friends to keep an eye on him and be aware that he's not been himself lately. They were shocked and at a lost of words and said they would not ever had known he was stressing. They both knew but didn't officially know we were together but they were extra taken back because they said my ex always had and still says wonderful things about me. I told them it was a lot to explain but that wasn't my intent to smear him to them. They both told me that we are both their friends regardless. They advised me that ita not my fault my ex can't control his anger or mood swings. They suggested I focus on work and don't let him bother me(hard to do). They said they cannot believe he is wussing out like this. I agreed but I told them I would maintain my integrity and professionalism at work for MY OWN SAKE.

Telling family and friends was a relief. It made my support system stronger. But this whole ordeal is still very hard everyday... . but getting slowly better.

[connect]

Hi,

I have spoken to various people about my BPD b/f. A few have been understanding but the vast majority go with "leave him" and they then seem frustrated when I didn't.

My theory of how I feel about this dynamic is here:

Example 1: A woman has a partner who becomes very disabled. He can no longer get out the house easily, he can no longer have sex with her, he can no longer go running with her, he can no longer have holidays with her. She tells her friends about her problems. Their reaction is sympathy for the man and for her. They think she is great standing by him as she loves him so much. She is considered a lovely person.

Example 2: A woman has a partner who becomes senile or sustains a brain injury. He can no longer function as he used to, he cant work, he cant have the debates he used to, he gets easily upset and cries, he shouts at her, he is frustrated. She tells her friends about her problems. Their reaction is sympathy for the man and for her. They think she is great standing by him as she loves him so much. She is considered a lovely person.

Example 3: A woman has a partner who has BPD which evolves as their r/s continues. He see's reality skewed, he acts impulsively, he rages, he is unreliable, he pushes her away, he has dissociated periods. She tells her friends about her problems. Their reaction is the man is a nasty jerk. They think she is a fool standing by him. They don't understand why she loves him so much. She is considered a victim in an abusive r/s.

That's how I feel when I tell people. I think  it has backfired on me more often then it has helped. I am trying now to be careful who I speak to.

[waverider]

Yep mental illness is still not fully accepted, especially as it is not easily identified. If the illness is accompanied by an obvious visual impairment then it is more readily accepted. But as the look "normal" and can act "normal", it is not believed.

You could say their own ability to present a facade actually backfires as it hides the real issue and hence the necessary support.

[daylily]

Yep mental illness is still not fully accepted, especially as it is not easily identified. If the illness is accompanied by an obvious visual impairment then it is more readily accepted. But as the look "normal" and can act "normal", it is not believed.

You could say their own ability to present a facade actually backfires as it hides the real issue and hence the necessary support.

Once I learned about personality disorders, it became apparent to me that I had seen so many people with the symptoms over the years.  I work in a field where I am exposed to people's personal and relationship issues and where I tend to see people at their worst.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen what seem to be high-functioning borderlines who aren't being diagnosed, just being seen as unreasonable jerks.  I am educated in psychology so I do believe in psychological diagnoses, but it's very subjective and everything is on a spectrum.  Being a jerk becomes a "mental illness" somewhere along the spectrum if one meets the DSM criteria.  I suppose I have difficulty sometimes remembering that it is an illness and it stems from vulnerability rather than simple "jerkiness" and spite.

  Daylily

[waverider]

Even when you understand and accept this it is still hard to put into practice and still think of many of these folks as complete jerks. Then thinking about maybe why as an afterthought.

My PD radar is pinging all the time these days, especially when looking back and it shows me maybe I have traits that attracted by or was attractive to pwPDs.

It is the closet nature of this particular disorder that makes it all that much harder to pick up. Given 99.9% of the population knows nothing about the disorder its no wonder they are just left to fester and affecting those around them