Her "dreams" are real and my "defense" is a lie

[Cipher13]

So when my W has a dream that paints a negative picture of me, (afairs, cheating, lying) its has to be real. While I am lying when I defend myself. It is as if I have to admit to the accusations no matter what.  The text i get this AM: "So you have been havinan afar for 2 1/2 years now thats why you havn't wanted to have sex since last week."

I imediately can tell this is from a dream/nightmare. Why becasue we moved 2 times in the last year. 1st move was out of state. She said I was talking in my sleep. Now I can't prove this. I have no memory of what she is saying. I don't even recall any sort of dream even remotely similar to what she is saying.

This is my life. I just let her do this and I do not push back. All I do is defend myself from untruths. Now I feel like i have added to this treatment or even caused it as I have lied to her or not told her things that would make her upset. All usually to avoid conflict. All that said I have admitted to her everythign that I lied about in the past on multiple occasions. How ever I have never admited to cheating or afairs as thats never reality.   No matter what i say or do or admit I always lie. She sometimes goes through my phone and makes me recall numbers. And when all are legit I must have erased the ones that I'm cheating with.

She even has my passport in her purse to prevent me from I guess leaving the country. I have never left even inan arguement just to clear my head. How can I break through her "reality" and keep mine intact without loosing my mine? 12 years I feel numb to alot of things but not everything all the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zkirtz]

Dear  Cipher13, you seem to be in a desperate state.

If there is one advise I can give you that I which I heard earlier.

Do not defend against arguments. This does not help. Defending is for convincing purposes but... .

(If she is in any way like my ex-boyfriend Y) then she does not want to be convinced. She is not even able to. She is not able to accept any other view than her own, merely because she needs to preserve her own self view at all costs.

You just have to smile and nodd "yes my love" and think "yes that is how you may see it, but the rest of the world does not, but if you want to think this, if this helps you why not".

This is just for the arguments. When it comes to actions, it is a different matter. Then defenses are for your preservation.

- Buy an el cheapo phone that you do not show to her, you are entitled to privacy just like everyone else.  She cannot enforce you to not stay in contact with others. You have a right to calling other people.

- If you cannot get your passport, just claim it is stolen by someone you do not know, or say that it is lost. You may need it. She really is not entitled to your passport.

You do not have to feel bad or hypocrite about having your own phone, or occasionally calling someone or about keeping your own passport. You deserve a little space, just like everyone else. Do not demand it, or ask for it. It is yours to take so it is just only the natural thing. Nothing to be upset about. If she is upset for such small things then this is her problem; stop making it your problem.

All the best!

zaz

[waverider]

All I do is defend myself from untruths. Now I feel like i have added to this treatment or even caused it as I have lied to her or not told her things that would make her upset. All usually to avoid conflict. All that said I have admitted to her everythign that I lied about in the past on multiple occasions. How ever I have never admited to cheating or afairs as thats never reality.   No matter what i say or do or admit I always lie.

As you point out, it doesn't work, so dont do it. We have a saying here JADE

J=Justify

A=Argue

D=Defend

E-Explain

Once you slip into this mode you are on the back foot and becoming more and more insecure. A pwBPD soothes themselves by projection, they have insecurities and the deal with them by passing them on to you. This is done by accusing and provoking those close to them. If you join in the issue you validate it as normal and worthwhile. Putting you on the back foot by pushing you into JADE puts them back on top, and more in control. It is part of their soothing mechanism. It is not necessarily deliberate, but is just an instinctive coping tool.

Try to avoid repeatedly defending yourself against the same old stuff. A simple we've been through this before and i dont want to go there again is enough. Reassure you them that you love them, but avoid tying it to that particular issue. Otherwise raising that issue becomes a way to obtain reassurance. It is all insecurity based

[united for now]

We have a good workshop on how to deal with jealousy in our workshop section.

Being on the defensive isn't healthy for either of you and it damages the relationship too. As wave mentioned, for things to change you are going to need to make some changes in how you respond.

I know how difficult and scary this is.

Hang in there. You found a great place for support.