Going mad here - NC since Saturday - what do I do now?

[connect]

As you all know my b/f ended it with me at the weekend after a period of dissociation culminating in him cutting out his parents and me from his life. He was in a terrible state but claimed he wanted space and ending it with me was the only way to get it. He also cited another point but that was pure b/s…

We have had no contact since Saturday and I am slowly going mad here. I love him so much and miss him. Its all I am thinking about. I am a bit of a mess frankly. I have remained NC though.

Strange thing happened last night. This weekday he is always out til late. Last night I couldn’t sleep again and was in bed when I heard the noise of a loud van engine that sounded just like his (very throaty and loud) The van drove past slowly and turned around at the end of the road (I am in a dead end road) then drove back out the road. I looked out the window and it looked exactly like his van but couldn’t see the numberplate. In the old days twice after silent treatment I have turned up unannounced at his place when he has got back from his night out on a Weds wanting to talk. Maybe he was expecting me to do that again and came to check my car was parked at my friends where I am staying and not somewhere else? Real? Clutching at straws? Who knows.

My question is:

What do I do now?

My question is not in light of the van thing necessarily as I don’t know for certain it was him. I have been wondering what to do.

My gut instinct is that I shouldn’t make contact for the following reasons:

1.   He needs to have that dumping conversation unclouded in his head and live with it for a while

2.   He needs to have the space he requested as “no-one listens to him” when he asks for it (his idea of space includes no texting even)

3.   If he doesn’t come back then at least I know he was not that invested in me as his partner/soulmate and it gets the pain over with now rather than dragging it out with a resistant b/f

4.   If I make contact now it implies I am chasing him and have no boundaries for how I am treated.

5.   If I make contact now it implies I think I was in the wrong and am making amends

6.   If I make contact now he still has the event to go to on Saturday which I suspect was a major factor in him getting rid of me (another ex will be there which is uncomfortable for him so I was not invited)

7.   If I make contact now it might push him permanantly away

My reasons for making contact are:

1.   He may have forgotten he said he dumped me (he said the words firmly once at the end of Saturday afternoon and he was dissociated)

2.   If I don’t he may feel abandoned

3.   If I don’t he will forget me (out of sight out of mind)

4.   If I don’t he may have the excuse he needs to recycle the ex at the event (“If she was THAT bothered she wouldn’t have ignored me for a week”)

5.   I have been a bit worried about his welfare

So what do you guys think? I think IF and only IF he re-engages with me it will be mid next week after the event. Perhaps he is struggling a bit now but the event problem has not gone away for him. He will still want to go and not invite me and avoid an argument. He has made no efforts to contact me and he requested space. I don’t know what to do. I think I should leave it but am also scared of him acting out and causing damage acting out while he is single (hate that word) if I judge this wrong. I know I know I am still under the illusion I have some say in this.

I know I am posting a lot but he has never dumped me before and I am feeling lost and hoping that he will be one of the boomerang BPD’s but am in limbo… its so painful.

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[Jeansok]

Hi connect. I had an experience with my H before we were married and he decided to break off the relationship. I didnt even know what BPD was then. Im pretty new at this sorry I dont have any advise but I can relate  ... .

After we got back together 8 months later I got to hear how I left him and I was the reason. Even after him admitting everything was his fault at the beginning. Its such a hard thing to deal with the roller coaster ride has gotten me sick the past couple of days. So I just say that to say I unde

[Jeansok]

I understand... . sorry didnt mean to send that yet.

[123Phoebe]

Connect

To answer your subject line question: Nothing concerning him.  Try not to even think of ways to do anything.  He is who he is and nothing you do/don't do is going to change that fact.  Chasing after him in any capacity will result in more of what you've already experienced with him.

He knows you're crazy about him.  He knows that he can pretty much do whatever and you'll be there waiting for him.  Sure, there may be a lot of conflict and drama, but at the end of the day, you're still there for him.  Ready to resume a 'committed' romantic relationship.

It's impossible to make him come over to your way of thinking, just as it's impossible for him to make you feel comfy with his choices concerning other women.

If you're not okay with his behavior, you're not okay with it.  It's okay!

Please don't react to him based on your fears that he might look at things this way or that way and end up reconnecting with his ex or whatever because of anything you do or say.  He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of your fears.

The only way that I can see anything changing, is if you change your own internal dialogue and learn to trust it, believe it.  The voice that tells you that you're not happy with this arrangement and live your life accordingly... .

Untangle yourself emotionally from him to get a clearer perspective  

Sit with all that anxiety and look out for your best interests

[connect]

Thanks for your understanding jeansok.

Pheobe - thanks. I do need to untangle myself from this. Had a really bad morning today and went through a rollercoaster of my own. Am feeling calmer now but know these feelings come in waves. Its exactly like grieving but with the uncertainty and changability of BPD the thing you are grieving may still be there. Unlike the grief of a death for instance. A limbo feeling. Am trying to work through it.

I have got myself so tied up in knots that even doing nothing by not initiating contact feels like I have done "something" as I have actively decided not to reach out!

His dissociated state has made me unsure as to what is his opinion of our r/s. He has made a judgement call/decision on it whilst being in this state. I will need to try to relax, let go and see what happens here.

[123Phoebe]

I have got myself so tied up in knots that even doing nothing by not initiating contact feels like I have done "something" as I have actively decided not to reach out!

I get it, I really do.  I felt this exact same way when I was totally and completely focused on him.

You could probably reach out and get some sort of reaction from him, maybe even one that seems kinda satisfactory.  Will any contact do though, or do you want to change this dynamic?

What are your values in or out of a relationship?

Until I started living according to my own values, nothing changed.  I am not him!  He isn't me!  We don't share the same brain.  Thank goodness

Knowing that BPD behaviors exist and being able to recognize them is a great thing.  It lets me know that my thinking is clear and okay; what I'm seeing and experiencing is really happening.  It's validating to the max.

Twisting myself up in knots to somehow rationalize the behaviors and make them work didn't do me any good.  Fearing his abandonment fears made me reactive (and codependent).  I'd do things that didn't help either one of us.  I'd chase, so that he wouldn't feel abandoned.  Basically, so he wouldn't feel like I did.  Only, I was more concerned with his feelings than my own.  He wasn't giving how I was feeling a second thought!  He was wrapped up in his own stuff. 

So, after a while I got wrapped up in mine.  In a good way!

Tending to my own business.

My refrigerator needs cleaning?  I clean it.

There's a movie I want to see?  I see it.

Love the heck out of my dog; make him treats.

Go to the garden center.

Hop on my bike and ride downtown.

Go to the library.

Go bowling.

Read a book.

Get my oil changed.

Go to the gym.

Mow the lawn.

Go to a museum.

Clean the grout

And so much more... .

These are things I have no problem doing on my own.

When my life is filled with things that are important to me, he isn't the main focus.

When I stopped making him my main focus, he focused more on me

Focus on yourself, Connect    Seriously, it works!  It changes the perception we have of ourselves and that's a really good thing on so many levels






 

[MaybeSo]

His good periods wont last.

His bad periods won't last.

My ex told me about 6 weeks ago he felt like seeing other women, gave me the laundry list of my failings, and withdrew to almost no contact.

This week he's like a different man. Wants me to go to Europe with him in June, loving, attentive.

This is what happens. Let it go. It's like the waves of the ocean, if you attach their ups and downs as having something directly to do with you... . if you think you can stand on one foot while playing a flute and make the ocean stay still... . you are sorely mistaken!  He's in the middle of his own hurrican. There's nothing you can do about it.

Don't tie your life to these ups and downs! It's imperative at some point you stay your own

course. This is his storm, not yours.

[connect]

Thanks Pheobe - I can see how I am not helping myself at the moment - the thoughts are going round my head. I did go out for a drink tonight which was a bit of a temporary distraction

Maybeso - Your example is really helping me to see the changability of BPD. When he has done silent treatment/withdrawals before I have always said to myself (after he comes back) that I wont stress about it next time as he always does come back. But of course I still do. Its really hard this time as he said the "its over" words. I can imagine that when your guy said those things to you it must have been hard too - you seem to be able to recognise the patterns and deal with them so much more healthily then I am atm.

I just cant believe he said that to me.

[blurry]

 I'm finding that regardless what I do, she always comes back one way or another, guess she just hasn't found an acceptable target to replace me yet. Deep down I know she will eventually

Basically, before I knew about BPD, the first time she dumped me, I blew it off and didn't give it a second thought, 4 years of inadvertant nc and she resurfaces, then I get hooked and it all really begins, I've pleaded and reasoned with her nonstop for 5 days once, and she came back, I've given up and again gone nc just because I believed it was over and I was exhausted, and she's come back, I've intentionally gone nc and gotten involved with other women, again believing id never see her again, and she's come back, and more recently, spent a month apart, with both of us drunk texting each other, me more than her, and she come back... . basically, its her waking up one day and deciding based on something she percieves at the moment, that's she never loved me and has to end it, and wakes up another day and can't live without me. Doesn't seem to matter how ugly it ends or how horrible the things we say or do to each other are. She simply seems to change her reality to fit her mood I guess. So in my experience, id say do whatever you feel like doing although it may shorten or lenghthen the break.