My "Fantasy Resolution and Closure Conversation with Ex"

[Tordesillas]

I often play this over in my head.  Since it likely wouldn't be actual reality, I sometimes feel its the closest thing to healthy closure I'll ever get:

We meet several months from now... . A quiet park bench or something like that... .

She apologizes for what happened the last time we spoke and says she understands why I haven't contacted her in a long time... .

I tell her I forgive her and that I've had a lot of time to think and reflect on things she did in our relationship... .

She apologizes for everything and tells me she has stuck with therapy this time, has been officially diagnosed with BPD and now sees how messed up she was and still is... .

I tell her how much it means to me that she is ready to see this... .

She tells me she really appreciates how I loved her like no one else ever did and that she wishes she had been able to really do the same for me... .

I tell her that I know she tried... . but that a disorder like this really does get in the way... .

She tells me she knows we'll never get back together and that she has to be single for a while to work on herself and continue getting better... .

I wish her the best of luck and support... .

[Want2know]

You show a lot of compassion for her.  In some ways, having that scene played out in your head can be closure.  I've done that, too.  The more time that passes, and I go on living my life, the less I need to play out that scene.  I hope the same for you. 

[eniale]

Kindness is always good, but only if you know you are not being "played" -- in your fantasy, she really does know she has the disorder and is working on getting help, so your kindness is warranted.  I do feel compassion for my ex, and if that scenario were ever to happen to me, I would be supportive.  But I would have to be very sure I wasn't being played again, and unfortunately he robbed me of my trust so I hope I would be able to discern honesty from more efforts to suck me back in.

[Consumed]

I really relate to those thoughts and hopes for her that she will someday "get it". It shows the caring that she will at some point not put herself through the same torment she always has as well as putting others though it. I have had those same daydreams or fantasies and probably still do. Time really does help, it has helped me realize I have all the closer I need and will ever get. The closer has been the decisions I've made to be healthy again, to accept help, and to write on here. We are caring people and we want the people we care about and that are most tormented to feel peace. I have to realize that one of them "people" is me and it's ok to take care of me. Thanks for sparking me to write today. I always feel I did something for myself when I write on here. I wish you closure.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tordesillas, We all probably share similar fantasies and if it helps bring closure to you, I think it's a good thing.  On the other hand, I don't want you to get your expectations up that this type of encounter is likely to occur.  It's not.  The sad fact is that those w/BPD operate on a different emotional level and, in my view, are incapable of the kind of self-reflection that would have to precede the kind of conversation you describe.  So feel free to fantasize, but don't kid yourself about the harsh realities of BPD.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Octoberfest]

the whole "you need to be single for awhile an sort your stuff out"... .

God how many times did I tell her that... .

Looking back on it, on ALL the different people she has been with, CONTINUOUSLY since 15-16... . She has been in back to back relationships (meaning with maybe a week inbetween probably)  the entire time.  In several instances, they even overlapped, like when TWICE she was dating me AND another guy at the same time.

It isn't normal to be with so many different people like that.  She sure as hell hasnt just met that many people she is compatible with.  She needs someone to love her or she will go mad(der).

I even told her last night that really, I don't think we were even that compatible.  She surely didnt live up to the virtues of honor, loyalty, integrity, and respect that I so prize.  I told her that the biggest thing we had going for us was that she wanted someone to love her and I wanted to love someone.  And I think it is true.  I loved her with all my heart and thought she was cute and funny sometimes, but in reality... . It's not like there was a lot of chemistry.  I don't think so anyways.  If i am right, Im sure my socks are going to get knocked off when I meet someone I REALLY AM compatible with.

I really feel for what you are wanting here.  I am fortunate enough to have gotten some messages from her after the breakup that say some things I really needed to hear.  That I am an awesome guy, much better of a person she could ever hope to be.  That I will go far and am an amazing man.  And these messages aren't making me want to go back, she isnt luring me back in.  But I saved them, because I can look at them and believe them.

Sometimes with relationships and the fallout that follows with pwBPD, what we can choose to believe takes precedence over reality, both in good ways and bad.  In bad ways in that I stayed for so long, even with all the evidence of the cheating and fooling around, NOT because I was an a idiot and did not see it, but because I didn't want to believe it.

Similarly, in a good way, I am going to believe that she genuinely meant those positive things she said after the break up.  I believe she does.  And they are going to carry me forward.