Hey Octoberfest!
On the surface it seemed like she was always getting better, and making progress, etc.
That is very true. I through that a lot over the course of the relationship. big part of it also had to deal with the fact that I would always ignore tend to the bad things she did, or write them off. That went on until I couldn't ignore them anymore.
I grew up in a slightly abusive environment, and my self esteem is on the lower side of the scale, even though I'm successful in life. SO when she idealized me, that was the happiest I've EVER felt in my entire life. I was absolutely positive that this girl was the one.
And now, I can't shake the conviction that anyone will love me as much as she once loved me.
I know that therapy takes a long time to work, and at this point I would rather wait all my life for her, as opposed to moving on with someone else... . Look, I don't know your particular story, but everyone on here's story is similar, and they are not good ones, or else we wouldn't all be here. Remember what forum you are posting in: ":)etaching from the
WOUNDS of a
FAILED BPD relationship". Your relationship did not work for one reason or another (or several), just like all of ours did not, and we have WOUNDS to show for it.
Look at what you wrote: "... . my self esteem in on the lower side of the scale, even though I'm successful in life. SO when she idealized me, that was the happiest I've EVER felt in my entire life... . "
Idealized... . That word exists, in this context, because it is a stage, a phase, a step in the process of BPD behavior. She very well may have made you feel the happiest you have ever been. But you understand BPD, you understand the different steps of the process, you understand that that idealization had a LOT more to do with her working an angle on her end than genuine feelings.
I am not for a second saying that your BPDex did not love you. I fully believe mine really did love me, even if she was following a script of sorts.
But you have to understand, that idealization phase exists for a reason; it is to lure you in. And then, very contrary to logical thinking, your BPDex spits you back out (be it by leaving or cheating) once they have you nice and roped in.
You saying, "at this point I would rather wait my whole life for her rather than move on to someone else" is YOU giving up on YOURSELF.
Those feelings of happiness that you got from her, when she idealized and loved you so much? Those EXIST WITHOUT all of the pain, hurt, and suffering that came bundled with them with your BPDex.
I am right there with you, my BPDex is the first girl I ever loved or ever got close to. So on top of the BPD thing, there is the "first love" element thrown in there as well. I have not had a relationship aside from my BPDex. Much like you, she was the first to ever make me feel the way I did, those feelings of happiness, being loved, feeling wanted. And now she is gone... .
Have I had the same thoughts you are having? Absolutely, it is why I went back to her so many times after she cheated on me, and stayed for as long as I did.
Don't see the loss of your BPDex as your one shot in life floating away. See it as the beginning. I learned a lot of stuff from my BPDex, and now that I know what it is to love someone, I am going to find someone who can love me back the way I deserve to be.
As it has been mentioned many times on this board, there are reasons that WE, the NON's, stayed in our destructive BPD relationships for so long. You seem to have found yours; low self esteem, and the good feeling that came from that initial love. Mine is similar; I have ALWAYS wanted someone I could trust, totally rely on, who would have my back, be totally loyal to me, and have my best interests in mind. I wanted someone like that so badly that I put a person totally unqualified to play the part, in that position in my life, and hoped it would work. And when it didn't, I practiced selective knowledge, meaning when evidence showed up that she was cheating on me, or otherwise being destructive, I chose to ignore it.
You know that you suffer from low self esteem. And you know that those good feelings you got from your BPDex are not totally genuine as they should be. Each of us NON's who stayed and put up with the abuse for as long as we did has an issue or two we need to work through.
You say that you hope she sticks with therapy, that she "gets better" so that the relationship will work and be all gold and roses. Here is the harsh reality; just like she has things to work on and progress to make, SO DO YOU. And staying with someone who sometimes "makes you feel good" while the rest of the time treats you like hit is YOU refusing to get help.
I hope you can see what I am trying to get across here.
