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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Unblocking on social networking sites  (Read 490 times)
cska
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« on: June 07, 2013, 01:16:43 PM »

She unblocked me on a social networking site, and she knows that I can't help checking it, I've told her that before. She wanted to have no contact with we whatsoever, and when I tried to reach out and tell her I love her, she retaliated with hate messages. So why would she unblock me, knowing I check it?

Its so hard for me not to check it, and it gives me so much grief. I was so relieved when she blocked me?

Do any of you have any clue as to why she would do it?
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bpdspell
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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2013, 01:18:30 PM »

Hey cska... .

There's a similar post on the Leaving Boards about unblocking on Facebook but let's shift the focus back on you... . God only knows what her intentions are but what do you really want?
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confetti
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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2013, 02:02:20 PM »

As much as I'd love to give you a magical answer, since I know how good it must feel early into NC to have a little hope that it means attention; it doesn't matter. (I personally believe this is a remainder of the drama addiction aspect of the relationship lingering.)

Sometimes its just best to not try to put together a 4568899 piece puzzle thats pieces are mixed with another 34689 piece puzzle.

Try to ask yourself the reverse if it helps.

What are your causes for getting to where you've realized she's unblocked you?

What do you like to do during the day? Do you stay busy?


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cska
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2013, 02:07:22 PM »

Hey BPDspell and confetti 

You see, what I want is different from what I need. I need to get on with my own life, and not let my memories of the BPD dance chain me down. But what I want is for her to reach out to me. She's in therapy now, so I cling on to the hope that she will realize how much I love her, and will decide to come back to me, and we would be happy once again... .

So that's what I truly want. Whether its possible or not, I don't know. Probably its very unlikely, but she is in therapy, and like Cicero said, "While I breathe, I hope."

So with the whole social media unblocking, I want it to mean that she's opening up to me with the act of unblocking me, but that's probably just wishful thinking. I know its not healthy to be preoccupied with what the pwBPD is doing, but I can't help thinking about it. Which is also why I can't stop checking that darned social networking site... . And its soo painful to see her comments about how hot that guy is or how cute this guy is  :'(

I try to stay busy, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't do anything... . It gets so painful at times... .
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2013, 02:31:23 PM »

I am sorry if I dash your hopes here- and I COULD be wrong- but I really don't think that her being in therapy is going to fix anything.

My BPDex told me yesterday that she graduated from her group therapy (part of DBT).  I told her congratulations, and that I was happy for her... .

And then I started thinking about it.  I realized that I could take a CPR course and graduate, but that doesn't mean I would be able to correctly perform CPR in real life under pressure.

I.e., she may have "graduated" but that does not mean she is "fixed" or has really learned or changed anything because of it.  I would really like to believe that she has, but I am not convinced.  On the surface it seemed like she was always getting better, and making progress, etc.  Really, she just got better at lying and hiding things.  Opposite progress.

It reminds me of how, in my college courses, I can get an "A" in a very difficult class, having learned to do all sorts of complex problems.  Ask me 90 days later to do it all again? I would fail miserably. 
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“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
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cska
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« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2013, 02:45:51 PM »

Hey Octoberfest!

On the surface it seemed like she was always getting better, and making progress, etc.

That is very true. I through that a lot over the course of the relationship.  big part of it also had to deal with the fact that I would always ignore tend to the bad things she did, or write them off. That went on until I couldn't ignore them anymore.

I grew up in a slightly abusive environment, and my self esteem is on the lower side of the scale, even though I'm successful in life. SO when she idealized me, that was the happiest I've EVER felt in my entire life. I was absolutely positive that this girl was the one.

And now, I can't shake the conviction that anyone will love me as much as she once loved me. I know that therapy takes a long time to work, and at this point I would rather wait all my life for her, as opposed to moving on with someone else... .
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2013, 04:25:48 PM »

Hey Octoberfest!

On the surface it seemed like she was always getting better, and making progress, etc.

That is very true. I through that a lot over the course of the relationship.  big part of it also had to deal with the fact that I would always ignore tend to the bad things she did, or write them off. That went on until I couldn't ignore them anymore.

I grew up in a slightly abusive environment, and my self esteem is on the lower side of the scale, even though I'm successful in life. SO when she idealized me, that was the happiest I've EVER felt in my entire life. I was absolutely positive that this girl was the one.

And now, I can't shake the conviction that anyone will love me as much as she once loved me. I know that therapy takes a long time to work, and at this point I would rather wait all my life for her, as opposed to moving on with someone else... .

Look, I don't know your particular story, but everyone on here's story is similar, and they are not good ones, or else we wouldn't all be here.  Remember what forum you are posting in: ":)etaching from the WOUNDS of a FAILED BPD relationship".  Your relationship did not work for one reason or another (or several), just like all of ours did not, and we have WOUNDS to show for it.

Look at what you wrote: "... . my self esteem in on the lower side of the scale, even though I'm successful in life. SO when she idealized me, that was the happiest I've EVER felt in my entire life... . "

Idealized... . That word exists, in this context, because it is a stage, a phase, a step in the process of BPD behavior.  She very well may have made you feel the happiest you have ever been.  But you understand BPD, you understand the different steps of the process, you understand that that idealization had a LOT more to do with her working an angle on her end than genuine feelings.  

I am not for a second saying that your BPDex did not love you.  I fully believe mine really did love me, even if she was following a script of sorts.

But you have to understand, that idealization phase exists for a reason; it is to lure you in.  And then, very contrary to logical thinking, your BPDex spits you back out (be it by leaving or cheating) once they have you nice and roped in.  

You saying, "at this point I would rather wait my whole life for her rather than move on to someone else" is YOU giving up on YOURSELF.

Those feelings of happiness that you got from her, when she idealized and loved you so much? Those EXIST WITHOUT all of the pain, hurt, and suffering that came bundled with them with your BPDex.  

I am right there with you, my BPDex is the first girl I ever loved or ever got close to.  So on top of the BPD thing, there is the "first love" element thrown in there as well.  I have not had a relationship aside from my BPDex.  Much like you, she was the first to ever make me feel the way I did, those feelings of happiness, being loved, feeling wanted.  And now she is gone... .

Have I had the same thoughts you are having? Absolutely, it is why I went back to her so many times after she cheated on me, and stayed for as long as I did.

Don't see the loss of your BPDex as your one shot in life floating away.  See it as the beginning.  I learned a lot of stuff from my BPDex, and now that I know what it is to love someone, I am going to find someone who can love me back the way I deserve to be.

As it has been mentioned many times on this board, there are reasons that WE, the NON's, stayed in our destructive BPD relationships for so long.  You seem to have found yours; low self esteem, and the good feeling that came from that initial love. Mine is similar; I have ALWAYS wanted someone I could trust, totally rely on, who would have my back, be totally loyal to me, and have my best interests in mind.  I wanted someone like that so badly that I put a person totally unqualified to play the part, in that position in my life, and hoped it would work.  And when it didn't, I practiced selective knowledge, meaning when evidence showed up that she was cheating on me, or otherwise being destructive, I chose to ignore it.

You know that you suffer from low self esteem.  And you know that those good feelings you got from your BPDex are not totally genuine as they should be.  Each of us NON's who stayed and put up with the abuse for as long as we did has an issue or two we need to work through.

You say that you hope she sticks with therapy, that she "gets better" so that the relationship will work and be all gold and roses.  Here is the harsh reality; just like she has things to work on and progress to make, SO DO YOU.  And staying with someone who sometimes "makes you feel good" while the rest of the time treats you like hit is YOU refusing to get help.

I hope you can see what I am trying to get across here.
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“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
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confetti
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« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2013, 05:27:54 PM »

Octoberfest is really understanding of the depictions within his own relationship... . I'd like to reinforce what he's trying to get at with your situation.

I'd have said the same things to you in a different context had I gotten here earlier.

As far as therapy, it takes a long time to kick cognitive habits. I'm not talking about a year or two.

It isn't just a class. you go, you learned some stuff, and voilâ! We are talking about needing to face the core abandonment wounds this person faces, and that person having to change the foundation of what's *them* to themselves. This is a huge reason people facing a PD do not stay in therapy for long or better yet lie that they are going.

No one is trying to change your mind about her, but please try and consider the long road it would be if you waited for this person. Also consider that this is a pwBPD and what you heard may not be real at all.

Learn to be kind to yourself... .
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