Dealing with elderly uBPD mother

[zone out]

Only heard of BPD relatively recently while searching for answers for my mother's sudden and unprovoked rages.  Although well into her eighties she is in reasonable physical health and sharp as a tack!  The situation has been ongoing for as long as I can remember but now the 'episodes' seem to be closer together with ever more innocuous triggers.  I am the 'only child' and as she is dismissive of any other type of support, I deal with her as best I can.

I have tried reasoning, pleading, distraction - nothing works, it has to run its course by which time my nerves are well and truly shredded.  Reading through the posts, there is so much that I identify with - and some very illuminating information.  I think she is a very clever woman, she has me well and truly hooked.  She  uses the term we and our rather than I and my, which I take is indicative of enmeshment.  I am also being well and truly manipulated - if the clutching the chest and gasping doesn't warn me off any attempt at setting a boundary the 'will live with the guilt that you killed your mother etc... . ' surely will. In hindsight I should have tried to face up to her before old age entered the mix.  I will do anything in my power to avoid confrontation - probably not surprising, but I think that might make me a bit of an enabler.  I have ordered 'Walking on Eggshells' - I am looking forward to reading it.

[Suzn]

Hello zone out 

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your mother. You've come to the right place for support! I see you have found the Healing board already and are posting there. Excellent start. There are many members here going through exactly what you are and they all understand and are very supportive.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. The lessons and workshops you will find at the top of the Healing board can be a huge help for you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Here are a few examples that can be helpful.

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I read in one of your posts that you have ordered "Stop Walking on Eggshells", excellent book, will be helpful for you. Have you considered a therapist for support with what you're up against? 

[zone out]

Hi Suzn

Walking on Eggshells is brilliant - it arrived this morning and I simply could not put it down - it will be the subject of intensive study over the next few weeks - I'm getting the highlighters ready.  I have had some counselling, I was advised to set boundaries but not given enough information how to carry this out.  I think the therapist felt I was overly placid and tolerant, an enabler really.  Now that I have read the book I know what he meant and while I thought I was trying to help, my tolerance was to the detriment to both my mother and I.  She now thinks she can get away with anything and I have become more frazzled and less able to cope.

It is only days since I found your site and already I feel like some inner strength building.  I was reading some info on the site about Mindfulness - I think that is something that I am going to explore further.  The combination of trying to address the problem while giving some attention to my emotional wellness sounds a positive thing to do.  I have never tried a combination of both before.  Thank you for a great site.

Zone Out

[mamachelle]

Hi zone out,

I see you have found the Healing board already.  Glad you are feeling stronger and learning some new things.   

Since you mentioned you wanted to learn more here are a few links on Boundaries and Mindfulness:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

We are here for you. Keep reading and posting, it really helps. Also if you are not thrilled with your therapist-- it's ok to shop around for someone who can be more helpful and understands BPD in the family dynamic.

 mamachelle

[cerequas]

Another good book in this case is Coping with Your Diffucult Older Parent.

It even has an appendix on PDs, and does talk about setting boundaries.

It helped give me some more perspective on dealing with my elderly uBPD dad.

[zone out]

Thanks Cerequas

Must look into this.  Advancing years certainly adds to the complexity of the situation - I wish I had taken a stand a tried to set a few boundaries when we were both much younger.  My mother has developed a very selective memory in recent years.

zone out