Seeking help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feels so tired from dealing with the pain. My sister stopped talking to me about 12 years ago. She won't even tell me why. First it was just me, then she stopped all contact between her family and my kids (who were very young then... . now 25,18 and 16). Now she is doing the same thing to my brother and our parents. Her husband talks occasionally to my husband or brother and says only that he wishes we would stop feuding. There is no feud! It is very shameful for me for my kids to see this and hurtful to see my parents in pain. Until she suddenly stopped talking to my parents 9 months ago, my parents always blamed me for fighting with her. I've had no contact! Emails and phone calls go unanswered. I'm trying to peacefully accept her no contact with my family but it is difficult and I always feel like I should do something ... . anything more. Can someone help me?

Thank you for reading and taking a minute to care... .

[Mamalama]

I feels so tired from dealing with the pain. My sister stopped talking to me about 12 years ago. She won't even tell me why. First it was just me, then she stopped all contact between her family and my kids (who were very young then... . now 25,18 and 16). Now she is doing the same thing to my brother and our parents. Her husband talks occasionally to my husband or brother and says only that he wishes we would stop feuding. There is no feud! It is very shameful for me for my kids to see this and hurtful to see my parents in pain. Until she suddenly stopped talking to my parents 9 months ago, my parents always blamed me for fighting with her. I've had no contact! Emails and phone calls go unanswered. I'm trying to peacefully accept her no contact with my family but it is difficult and I always feel like I should do something ... . anything more. Can someone help me?

Thank you for reading and taking a minute to care... .

[Suzn]

Hello mamalama 

I'm so sorry you have been struggling with your sister and your parents.    It's not your fault your sister has gone NC, she has made this choice, as an adult, on her own. This is painful for you in many ways. Has your sister been diagnosed with BPD?

[Mamalama]

Thanks for the kind response Suzn. No, she has not been diagnosed. So truthfully I can't say that she has BPD. This is just an assumption that I've made over time in researching our problem. I have found over time that it is easier (most days) to accept that she has chosen to go NC with me, my husband, and kids. I thought that I was in an ok place of peace and acceptance when all of the sudden last fall she went NC with my parents too. They are elderly and I can see that they blame themselves and that they are very stressed out and blame themselves. It is hard to see my dad cry and not be able to help. Of course the one thing that they want is the thing i cant deliver... . my sister and her 2 son's presence in their life. My sister and her family live in the same town as my parents. I live in a town 2 hours away. This fall, my nephew is attending college in my town. I would love to see him occasionally and be support for him, but I'm afraid this would make my sister furious. (Everything I do or don't do makes her furious... . )

There are several factors that make letting go so hard for me. My parents and my nephews (19 and 15). My question to the caring people on this board... . what if anything can I do? Sitting by quietly watching all this unfold doesn't seem right... . I'm afraid if it goes on much longer it will impact my parents health very much. And I'm afraid that it will go on and on... .

Thanks for listening.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi Mamalama,

I'd like to extend a heartfelt welcome to you as well.  This sounds like a very painful situation, I know that I would be hurting, too.    It's normal to want to do something about it.  I'm not sure what you can do, though, if she is doesn't want contact with the family?

Here is a link which you may find helpful right now: Radical Acceptance for family members

We do have lots of tools on this site to help your relationship with your sister, if you do start communicating again.  And most importantly, we have members who have relatives with BPD and understand what it's like. When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I hope you will join us on the healing board, and ask any questions you may have.  We're glad you're here.

heartandwhole

[Mamalama]

Thank you thank you so much! I'm crying with relief right now that there are people that care and things to learn.

[heartandwhole]

   Mamalama, we do care and there is lots to learn.  Welcome to our family! 

heartandwhole