Something stupid

[Murbay]

Just as I thought I was making progress, I did something really stupid tonight.

While looking at my exgf's facebook page tonight since she posted up pics of our daughter's dance awards (we split 13 years ago but have a good relationship because of our eldest daughter) my exBPDw had befriended her on Facebook last week for some strange reason. I noticed several replies to hidden comments which then got me thinking about my exBPDw.

From there I went to check out her brothers page and although I have her blocked, his comments revealed she is having a really tough time of things right now. Now I understand why people struggle when they check Facebook because everything came flooding back. I know she is using my exgf to see if any information gets put up about her so tonight I wrote a poem about how she is gone but still missed deeply.

I think my NC from the several e-mails she sent last week demanding answers to questions and giving me a 3 hour deadline to answer them has triggered something in her. In the past month, there have been mind games each week, false allegations, nasty and abrupt e-mails but despite all of that I do still have strong feelings. The NC was more for me to be able to heal than wanting any kind of dialogue with her since she is also the mother of my youngest daughter. I feel desperate to reach out and tell her everything will be ok, to give her a hug and to tell her that once we have had this time to heal we will be in a better place to talk.

I'm not going to go down that route but it still doesn't make it any easier. The thing that does hurt with that is that whenever she used to get upset and be like this, I would hold her in my arms and remind her that everything will turn out alright.

[Octoberfest]

In response to your last comment... . I think that is the hardest thing.  For me at least I am finally at a point I can look back at the overall relationship and say it was a sickly, broken one.  But then I remember the little things, the at the time, seemingly inconsequential things.  Inside jokes. How we would sleep together at night. Little comments that made your heart swell.  And that is what I truly miss.  The GOOD parts of the relationship, and of her. Strange huh?

Chin up. We all have a weakness for these people. It is natural to fail from time to time.