Help Feel like apologising to get him back

[connect]

Ok. Woke up this morning after 4 hours sleep.

Today he is at the wedding/overnight which he didn't want me to go to.

I feel like apologising for paying the council tax on my old flat that my ex still lives in. This is what he said I have done wrong and one of the reasons he ended it.

I don't believe it was wrong but now I am doubting myself. This morning I feel like apologising and begging him to come back. I feel like saying anything his crazy mind wants to hear to make all this stop.

Help!

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[123Phoebe]

Connect, all that anxiety... . sit with it.  Cry it out, do something with another friend, go to the movies, listen to sad songs... . something, anything other than reach out to him.  He's at the wedding this weekend that you weren't invited to.  Not long ago he was on holiday with another friend.  This behavior of his is nothing new.  You can't change it. 

You can only change yourself and your reactions to it.

Has begging ever worked before? 

[connect]

Hey Pheobe - thanks for your quick answer :-)

Begging has worked before the one time I did it after a bout of silent treatment - that time however I did feel I had done something wrong but it was way before I knew about BPD. At that time I was jumping through BPD hoops and feeling guilty for all the hurts I seemed to be causing him. If I begged now I know it would ultimately be a bad thing as if we got back together I have given him the green light to carry on with this stuff. Then I think what if he really is so hurt I am paying this tax bill and all I need to do is say sorry? Actually who am I kidding... . the night before he ended it I told him that if this bill meant that much to him (and I was unaware it did) then I wouldn't pay it in future. So we did resolve it at the time, he was happy but it came up again the following day.

Now I know his pattern and his way of dealing with things. I know about BPD and I am starting to see how much of this is his stuff and not mine. Your advise is good. I have to keep busy today. Tonight will be the hardest. I may go to the cinema or something.

[123Phoebe]

Also want to add that we're all on the Staying Board here.  We've been through what you're coping with right now in some way, shape or form.  Doing things differently works.

My relationship is ENTIRELY different than what I imagined in the beginning.  The super pervasive BPD behaviors have lessened so so so so much, though.  The more space I give him, the less he seems to want.

I had to get strong and know that with or without him in my life, I would be okay.  He knows that I'm fine without him, I have a full life!  He enhances it, but he isn't IT, ya know?  Also, my ego had to get used to the fact that I'm not the only thing going on in his life either.  We're separate people with different groups of friends.  All my other relationships were entwined to the 9th degree, so this felt really foreign to get used to.  I like it now   I like having the space to be my own person in a relationship. 

Yea, just vent it out here, Connect.  I totally understand the swirling thoughts and feelings you're experiencing.  I guess just don't lay them all out to him.  Which you're not doing  

Hang in there!


   

[Wishful thinking]

@connect

Just wanted to send you some hugs. 

Its very difficult to keep back from apologizing.

Hang in there.

[cult]

Just wanted to add my .02! I am so sorry you are experiencing the pain of being abandoned suddenly and brutally. I know how you feel. The last two months of my life have been the hardest I have ever experienced, but at the same time, it has led to incredible growth for me. I too must detach from my partner, with whom I have been completely and totally enmeshed for 10 years. As of now I am feeling more optimistic than ever that we will work through this difficult time, but here's the catch.

When my r/s started going downhill in a huge way back in late March - early April, all I wanted was for things to go back to "the way they used to be." And as I have gone through this process I am forced to accept the fact that this will never happen. Things will never go back to the way they used to be. What is happening instead is that we are working toward identifying common ground that will allow us to take the r/s in a new, healthier direction. I was convinced my partner and I would never find common ground for awhile there but in the last 2 weeks especially, I am finding myself very pleasantly surprised and hopeful that the situation is not as bleak as I feared. However, I am trying to take things 1 day at a time. It's very hard to do.

I encourage you to get out of the house, call a friend, take yourself to the movies ... . ANYTHING to take your mind off of him for even a nanosecond at a time will help. I know for me I am thinking about/analyzing/obsessing over my partner all the time and it's hard to stop, but try, even for a second, to clear him from your consciousness and give yourself space. He is not the only one who needs it!

Keep us posted. We are here for you. I know it's tough.   

[Grey Kitty]

All the help I can offer you is a few hugs    and telling you that you really do know what to do--there's a reason you posted here asking for help when you wanted to apologize to him--you do know better, even though you are hurting enough right now to think of doing it anyway.

 GK

[connect]

Thanks so so much for the replies 

I managed to get through yesterday (the wedding and overnight stay for him) it was pretty horrible but I did it. The thoughts of what he's doing kept coming into my head but I sat through them and tried to examine them. See where the pain felt it was coming from, how it felt, tried to describe it to myself as an observer.

I am still full of "what if's" still in limbo and pretty anxious. Sleeping is hard. Food tastes of nothing and is hard to eat - am forcing myself though! Might go to the doctor tomorrow although I don't want to take anything heavy, I think I will go for a chat.

Was having a conversation yesterday with a good friend I met from  here. We were talking about how the lack of empathy makes things so different from a non r/s. If there was any empathy in him I think he would contact me. Its strange as they are so driven and controlled by their own emotions that you think they would be more tuned into how others may be feeling, not less.

Have arranged a couple of things with friends today so that will help and will attempt an early night tonight for a laugh!

[connect]

The urge to contact him is overwhelming again.

I know I would get more from this situation if I let him approach me (if he ever does) but I am increasingly feeling that he wont contact me.

I want him back so not being in contact with him feels like the opposite of what I should be doing. Logically I would be better placed to negotiate new terms of the r/s if he approaches me. Am trying to have faith that this may happen - it just goes against all my natural instincts. I know I am repeating myself so much here. Its hard as when he went on the holiday he knew he had made a mistake and came back early and was full of apologies. I think I assumed this would happen here. That it hasn't happened is throwing me so off balance.

Am posting here instead of picking up my phone. Any ideas? Do I set myself a deadline, say if he hasn't contacted me in a week then I call?

[patientandclear]

Hey connect 

I know that feeling of crawling out of your skin when your impulses all push you one way and your wise mind is trying to head in another direction.  It's really hard.

I have a couple of suggestions.  One is to work a bit on that sense of "I want him back."  Can you add some nuance?  How about "I want him back -- if he wants to be back."  Or, "I want him back if and when he sorts out whatever is making him need to go this time."  Or, "I want him back but when he comes back, I need to have accepted that he might very well leave like this again."

My guess is that all of those formulations are a little less panic-inducing than the idea that you want him back, now, no matter what.

The other idea is to remember how you felt an hour before he called you from his vacation & said he was coming back early.  (I'm not putting too much stock in that decision he made and how he explained it, BTW -- I still think he went on the trip to establish that you cannot control him, and it ended when things fell apart with the woman he went with, not just because of soul-searching on his part; but then he needed to make things right with you right quick, and he knew the words to say.  He still has a basic impulse to push and go, and I think according too much weight to either the going or the return will lead you astray.  But I diverge!)  Anyway, right before he came back, you felt pretty bad, right?  You imagined what he was doing, you couldn't believe he would do this.

Then, things changed.

Things will change here, in some fashion.  The fact that you feel this way now doesn't mean that the facts won't be totally different tomorrow.

It seems like the question is, how can you hold onto a steady, calm place for yourself in the midst of that turmoil?

I do think you need to need this man less.  Enjoy and appreciate him, sure.  But this is not a safe guy to need, if that makes sense.  We've all had to walk that road, from "needing" to appreciating when and if they are around.  You will be in a stronger place, even with him, if you can resolve your need for him.

[123Phoebe]

You can do whatever you want to do... .   And if you keep reaching out to him when he pushes you away, you'll be rewarding the behavior you don't want.  In a sense telling him that it's perfectly okay to treat you however he wants to.  You're still 'here' with him.

I personally don't want to be 'that' girl.  The one that needs to be shaken off.  I didn't feel or think that I was being that girl, but some of his behaviors indicated that he was seeing me that way... . Eww!  Nuh uh.

I had enough self esteem and awareness to know that what we had going together was so much more than that!  I wasn't about to let his disordered defense mechanisms pigeonhole me into some sort of freaked out warped role.  No way.

He doesn't want we?  That's his problem.  I don't need to make it my own.  I can treat myself very well, thank you... .

And the more I get comfy being myself, the less his disorderedness affects me.  The less his issues affect me, the better our relationship goes and develops... .   I'm not making things worse.  I can sense certain things on the horizon and step back.  Sometimes it's me who needs the space.

A rule of thumb, for me, is to get myself calm and assured before addressing anything major.  We can become dysregulated, also... .

Is it safe to say that you're a little dysregulated yourself right now?

What are some ways to self soothe?  Things that make you feel good?

[connect]

Thanks again guys – you are really helping  

Kept busy today and saw 3 sets of friends and went to the cinema. Just got home and had a funny five minutes. My housemate had to practically physically restrain me from going round to see him. I felt completely desperate to do it. I have now had quarter of a valium that I had left over from a flight and am staying here and posting instead. It is like some kind of drug withdrawal, I have NEVER been like this over a man before. I have seen lots of posters on here saying the same thing. Its some crazy dynamic feeding into my codependancy as well – like someone said on here, a perfect storm.

All I can say is how very very grateful I am that I can post on here and see all the things that you have kindly taken the time to write. It really is so helpful. I also find it positive to see that this is not an unusual event with BPD and that there is the capacity for things to change.

Phoebe I like your straight talking and practicality about me not rewarding his behaviour – that makes sense to me and my logical mind is right with you there. Its also good to see how you changed your approach to your guy and it worked (and avoided the “labelling” that so often can happen also with my one)– that is so positive and I need to learn from all the experience on here. Its very new to me having never been with anyone with mental health issues before. You are right I am very disregulated atm. You and arabela have both now said that we need to ensure WE are not disregulated when we make major decisions. I would have turned up at his place unannounced, uninvited, stressed, tearful and disregulated - how could I have got what I wanted in that scenario? I have a good book to read to self soothe tonight.

P&C thanks x I am trying to frame the “I want him back” feeling into a more defined statement as you suggested – it does help with the panic feeling (unless I am having a funny five minutes as I did just now) And yes I need to need him less – couldn’t agree more with that. I think THIS version of love (with him) has come to mean a lot of intensity – I wonder how much of this is compounded by fleas from all of HIS intensity? Again you saying things change is something to remember and hope for esp drawing on my past experience with him.

Grey kitty and Wishful– thank you x

Cult – I am sorry you have had a rough 2 months and am glad and heartened to hear that you are getting towards a better place and r/s as a result of this. Did you go NC for any of it?

A friend of mine today has said I should reclaim some of this unsolicited space for myself. He said I should have a timeframe of maybe two days/whatever where I say to myself this is MY time to think about what I want in regard to this r/s and not think of him. He said this way I can reclaim some of my power rather than sitting in a “space” that has been imposed on me by HIM where the tendency is just to use it to “wait”

Such a struggle. Thank you all