really intense dream

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's coming up on 3 years now since I last saw my mother, which was on the morning my father died, and about 2.5 years NC.  I still think about her a fair amount but am really focusing on cutting down on the rumination and directing my energy toward improving my life instead.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that really slammed me, however, and I'm not sure whether it's a sign of progress or not.  I dreamed that my husband and I were living in this luxurious apartment, and that we had a roommate but she was never around.  We were in the kitchen when suddenly a woman appeared (physically she was someone I had a bad experience with but do not "know" IRL) and told us that she and the roommate had been on this lease all along, that we were incredibly selfish for not making room for her, that I was totally self-absorbed and caught up in my own needs, and that we were rude rude rude for occupying common areas of the apartment with no concern or consideration for her rights, and that the only reason why the roommate doesn't come around is because she doesn't like us and can't live with us.  She just completely tore me down verbally.

In the dream I had a very intense emotional response to this, total abashment and shame and regret, and I said to her "I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I try so hard to be a good person and I've failed, if only I had known," etc etc.  The guilt and disappointment in myself were strangling and I felt like such a fool.  Like I was absolutely heartbroken, I felt like there was just a huge hole in my chest where my heart should have been.  I. felt. terrible.  And the feeling was familiar.

I woke up in tears and cried about it a couple times more that day as I realized that the feeling was one I knew quite well but hadn't specifically felt in years.  It was like a truth in my bones.  I realized, too, that as I felt those feelings I simultaneously felt some kindness toward their feeler, who also happened to be me.  It really hurts to feel so badly about yourself, and someone in so much pain deserves love and kindness and support.

I think this was a good thing?  Honestly I'm not sure, though.  It sure was upsetting.  Maybe after all this time I'm finally getting down to the heart of these emotional experiences.  Or maybe it's just FOG.   

[hopeforhealing]

It's coming up on 3 years now since I last saw my mother, which was on the morning my father died, and about 2.5 years NC.  I still think about her a fair amount but am really focusing on cutting down on the rumination and directing my energy toward improving my life instead.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that really slammed me, however, and I'm not sure whether it's a sign of progress or not.  I dreamed that my husband and I were living in this luxurious apartment, and that we had a roommate but she was never around.  We were in the kitchen when suddenly a woman appeared (physically she was someone I had a bad experience with but do not "know" IRL) and told us that she and the roommate had been on this lease all along, that we were incredibly selfish for not making room for her, that I was totally self-absorbed and caught up in my own needs, and that we were rude rude rude for occupying common areas of the apartment with no concern or consideration for her rights, and that the only reason why the roommate doesn't come around is because she doesn't like us and can't live with us.  She just completely tore me down verbally.

In the dream I had a very intense emotional response to this, total abashment and shame and regret, and I said to her "I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I try so hard to be a good person and I've failed, if only I had known," etc etc.  The guilt and disappointment in myself were strangling and I felt like such a fool.  Like I was absolutely heartbroken, I felt like there was just a huge hole in my chest where my heart should have been.  I. felt. terrible.  And the feeling was familiar.

I woke up in tears and cried about it a couple times more that day as I realized that the feeling was one I knew quite well but hadn't specifically felt in years.  It was like a truth in my bones.  I realized, too, that as I felt those feelings I simultaneously felt some kindness toward their feeler, who also happened to be me.  It really hurts to feel so badly about yourself, and someone in so much pain deserves love and kindness and support.

I think this was a good thing?  Honestly I'm not sure, though.  It sure was upsetting.  Maybe after all this time I'm finally getting down to the heart of these emotional experiences.  Or maybe it's just FOG.   

[Kwamina]

Hi hopeforhealing  

I believe this indeed might be a good thing, depending on what you do with it. Maybe this was something that you had burried deep inside of you because it was too painful to deal with. It could be that now you are ready to deal with this issue. You're right that someone in so much pain deserves love and kindness. You're showing compassion for yourself and to me this is a sign that you're indeed in a better place mentally and emotionally to deal with this hurt.

[hopeforhealing]

Kwamina, thank you for your post.  I think you might be right that it was just too painful a memory until now.  I hope this means I'm stronger.

[hopeforhealing]

The dreams keep coming. I had another majorly disturbing one last night during a restless sleep.  (Warning: NOT FUN, possibly triggering imagery ahead) 

I dreamed that I was watching a videotape of my mother ritually suffocating herself by covering her face with paper mache while a bunch of people stood around and watched and wrung their hands and talked about how brave she was.  The whole thing struck me as sad, ridiculous, macabre, and very disturbing.

Today I'm tired and anxious.  Now I just want it to stop.

[GeekyGirl]

That is not a fun way to wake up (I've had those kinds of dreams too), hope, and I can imagine how having a dream like that has you feeling anxious and tired today.

I agree with Kwamina that this might be your brain's way of bringing issues to the surface. The imagery is very vivid. Have you given any thought as to what this could mean? Do you see any parallels (self-harm or being enabled) between the dream and what your mother might be doing now?

While the dreams themselves are awful, maybe there's a silver lining to be found here. Maybe this is your subconscious mind's way of telling you that you're ready to focus on your healing. May you have a peaceful night tonight.