For any of you that have followed my posts - 8 months ago I told the exBPD to get out (GTFO in fact). I woke her up and told her that. It was the best day in my life - I finally stood up for myself.
I had no boundaries in the r/s and was manipulated, abandoned frequently, cut off from sex, gaslighted, financially drained, emotionally and physically intimidated - in sum abused. I had shrunk into "complaint surrender" and abandoned myself. She took advantage of my codependent rescuing trait and the neediness of my lonely child.
Here is the short email I received a few hours later:
"Goodbye Nolisan,
I am writing to inform you that I wish no further contact with you, in person, on the telephone, or by internet. I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings; nor do I want to endure any future apologies you may feel motivated to express.
Although I hope you can be mature enough to respect my need to have no further contact with you ever, I want to be clear that should you disregard this, I will not hesitate to seek whatever support I require to protect myself, including the RCMP (police) if need be.
Sincerely,
exBPD"
I laughed when I first read it.
"I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings". Really? How do you spell "projection"?
I was overly kind to her, was constantly questioning whether anything I did or said would hurt or anger her (walking on eggshells". She had no conscience on the countless hurt things she did and said. I can count her apologies on two fingers - I was constantly apologizing for very human and minor mistakes that she took unreasonably seriously.
A bit more on cruelty - I am convinced she got off on inflicting pain and control on me and others (including her dog). I get a chill down my spine when I recall a weird half smile she would get when I was in a melt down not knowing which way was up. This sadist streak is characteristic of the "Witch" type of borderline. It is beyond lack of empathy - they know how their victims are feeling and enjoy it.
And MY mood swings? Give me a break ... . Please. She would go from happy to anger/sad in a blink of an eye. I was always the cause. I admit my emotion state was a roller coaster - it followed hers. I was totally enmeshed with her moods - I could/did not have a healthy "it's her stuff" state of adult loving detachment. I was either the victim or the rescuer.
I am sure my sudden standing up for myself took her by surprise and terrified her - suddenly her world shifted and she no longer had control of me - her comfort lies in controlling others so as she doesn't need to assume responsibility for herself.
"I hope you can be mature enough to ... . " Yes - she had to get a final condescending dig in. She was always gaslighting me that she was the "mature (superior) adult" and I was the "immature (inferior) child". I started to believe it (compliant surrender). Sometime she would say that my childlikeness was what she liked most about me - of course she did - i was her perfect victim/mark.
And how convenient her threat to call the police if I attempted contact. She had borrowed money from me with written notes of promises to pay. Kind of like a thief that burgles your house and then threatens to call the police
. Her way of escaping responsibility in a very calculating manner - very Witch BPD - they are the smartest and most dangerous BPD.
The real Big Joke in her note was that sometime I would feel the need to apologize TO HER not perhaps the other way around (?). And her final act of cruelty / control ... . she would not let me apologize even if I wanted to (we are both in the 12 steps and amends are a big part of our program).
My amends to her would be "I am sorry I fell in love with you and enabled your disease to continue and progress. I am sorry I delayed your hitting bottom where you could, if you choose, start to recover. For that I am truly sorry. I did you a great disservice. Please forgive me". I have sent that into the cosmos. God has heard it.
But it ended as it was meant to. Her enforcement/threat of no contact was the biggest gift she gave me. (was that a moment of compassion?).
I have not and I will not contact her. I have written of the financial debt and abuse as a cost of my evolution. That is job #1. She was a gift from my higher power - a teacher. Today I am grateful for the agony and the ecstasy.
Thank you God for putting her in my live: for a season and a reason, not a lifetime.
