Her Final Gift - a threat

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For any of you that have followed my posts - 8 months ago I told the exBPD to get out (GTFO in fact). I woke her up and told her that. It was the best day in my life - I finally stood up for myself.

I had no boundaries in the r/s and was manipulated, abandoned frequently, cut off from sex, gaslighted, financially drained, emotionally and physically intimidated - in sum abused. I had shrunk into "complaint surrender" and abandoned myself. She took advantage of my codependent rescuing trait and the neediness of my lonely child.

Here is the short email I received a few hours later:

"Goodbye Nolisan,

I am writing to inform you that I wish no further contact with you, in person, on the telephone, or by internet. I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings; nor do I want to endure any future apologies you may feel motivated to express.

Although I hope you can be mature enough to respect my need to have no further contact with you ever, I want to be clear that should you disregard this, I will not hesitate to seek whatever support I require to protect myself, including the RCMP (police) if need be.

Sincerely,

exBPD"

I laughed when I first read it.

"I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings". Really? How do you spell "projection"?

I was overly kind to her, was constantly questioning whether anything I did or said would hurt or anger her (walking on eggshells". She had no conscience on the countless hurt things she did and said. I can count her apologies on two fingers - I was constantly apologizing for very human and minor mistakes that she took unreasonably seriously.

A bit more on cruelty - I am convinced she got off on inflicting pain and control on me and others (including her dog). I get a chill down my spine when I recall a weird half smile she would get when I was in a melt down not knowing which way was up. This sadist streak is characteristic of the "Witch" type of borderline. It is beyond lack of empathy - they know how their victims are feeling and enjoy it.

And MY mood swings? Give me a break ... . Please. She would go from happy to anger/sad in a blink of an eye. I was always the cause. I admit my emotion state was a roller coaster - it followed hers. I was totally enmeshed with her moods - I could/did not have a healthy "it's her stuff" state of adult loving detachment. I was either the victim or the rescuer.

I am sure my sudden standing up for myself took her by surprise and  terrified her - suddenly her world shifted and she no longer had control of me - her comfort lies in controlling others so as she doesn't need to assume responsibility for herself.

"I hope you can be mature enough to ... . " Yes - she had to get a final condescending dig in. She was always gaslighting me that she was the "mature (superior) adult" and I was the "immature (inferior) child". I started to believe it (compliant surrender). Sometime she would say that my childlikeness was what she liked most about me - of course she did - i was her perfect victim/mark.

And how convenient her threat to call the police if I attempted contact. She had borrowed money from me with written notes of promises to pay. Kind of like a thief that burgles your house and then threatens to call the police . Her way of escaping responsibility in a very calculating manner - very Witch BPD - they are the smartest and most dangerous BPD.

The real Big Joke in her note was that sometime I would feel the need to apologize TO HER not perhaps the other way around (?). And her final act of cruelty / control ... . she would not let me apologize even if I wanted to (we are both in the 12 steps and amends are a big part of our program).

My amends to her would be "I am sorry I fell in love with you and enabled your disease to continue and progress. I am sorry I delayed your hitting bottom where you could, if you choose, start to recover. For that I am truly sorry. I did you a great disservice. Please forgive me". I have sent that into the cosmos. God has heard it.

But it ended as it was meant to. Her enforcement/threat of no contact was the biggest gift she gave me. (was that a moment of compassion?).

I have not and I will not contact her. I have written of the financial debt and abuse as a cost of my evolution.  That is job #1. She was a gift from my higher power - a teacher. Today I am grateful for the agony and the ecstasy.

Thank you God for putting her in my live: for a season and a reason, not a lifetime.

[nolisan]

For any of you that have followed my posts - 8 months ago I told the exBPD to get out (GTFO in fact). I woke her up and told her that. It was the best day in my life - I finally stood up for myself.

I had no boundaries in the r/s and was manipulated, abandoned frequently, cut off from sex, gaslighted, financially drained, emotionally and physically intimidated - in sum abused. I had shrunk into "complaint surrender" and abandoned myself. She took advantage of my codependent rescuing trait and the neediness of my lonely child.

Here is the short email I received a few hours later:

"Goodbye Nolisan,

I am writing to inform you that I wish no further contact with you, in person, on the telephone, or by internet. I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings; nor do I want to endure any future apologies you may feel motivated to express.

Although I hope you can be mature enough to respect my need to have no further contact with you ever, I want to be clear that should you disregard this, I will not hesitate to seek whatever support I require to protect myself, including the RCMP (police) if need be.

Sincerely,

exBPD"

I laughed when I first read it.

"I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings". Really? How do you spell "projection"?

I was overly kind to her, was constantly questioning whether anything I did or said would hurt or anger her (walking on eggshells". She had no conscience on the countless hurt things she did and said. I can count her apologies on two fingers - I was constantly apologizing for very human and minor mistakes that she took unreasonably seriously.

A bit more on cruelty - I am convinced she got off on inflicting pain and control on me and others (including her dog). I get a chill down my spine when I recall a weird half smile she would get when I was in a melt down not knowing which way was up. This sadist streak is characteristic of the "Witch" type of borderline. It is beyond lack of empathy - they know how their victims are feeling and enjoy it.

And MY mood swings? Give me a break ... . Please. She would go from happy to anger/sad in a blink of an eye. I was always the cause. I admit my emotion state was a roller coaster - it followed hers. I was totally enmeshed with her moods - I could/did not have a healthy "it's her stuff" state of adult loving detachment. I was either the victim or the rescuer.

I am sure my sudden standing up for myself took her by surprise and  terrified her - suddenly her world shifted and she no longer had control of me - her comfort lies in controlling others so as she doesn't need to assume responsibility for herself.

"I hope you can be mature enough to ... . " Yes - she had to get a final condescending dig in. She was always gaslighting me that she was the "mature (superior) adult" and I was the "immature (inferior) child". I started to believe it (compliant surrender). Sometime she would say that my childlikeness was what she liked most about me - of course she did - i was her perfect victim/mark.

And how convenient her threat to call the police if I attempted contact. She had borrowed money from me with written notes of promises to pay. Kind of like a thief that burgles your house and then threatens to call the police . Her way of escaping responsibility in a very calculating manner - very Witch BPD - they are the smartest and most dangerous BPD.

The real Big Joke in her note was that sometime I would feel the need to apologize TO HER not perhaps the other way around (?). And her final act of cruelty / control ... . she would not let me apologize even if I wanted to (we are both in the 12 steps and amends are a big part of our program).

My amends to her would be "I am sorry I fell in love with you and enabled your disease to continue and progress. I am sorry I delayed your hitting bottom where you could, if you choose, start to recover. For that I am truly sorry. I did you a great disservice. Please forgive me". I have sent that into the cosmos. God has heard it.

But it ended as it was meant to. Her enforcement/threat of no contact was the biggest gift she gave me. (was that a moment of compassion?).

I have not and I will not contact her. I have written of the financial debt and abuse as a cost of my evolution.  That is job #1. She was a gift from my higher power - a teacher. Today I am grateful for the agony and the ecstasy.

Thank you God for putting her in my live: for a season and a reason, not a lifetime.

[afterdeath]

For any of you that have followed my posts - 8 months ago I told the exBPD to get out (GTFO in fact). I woke her up and told her that. It was the best day in my life - I finally stood up for myself.

I had no boundaries in the r/s and was manipulated, abandoned frequently, cut off from sex, gaslighted, financially drained, emotionally and physically intimidated - in sum abused. I had shrunk into "complaint surrender" and abandoned myself. She took advantage of my codependent rescuing trait and the neediness of my lonely child.

Here is the short email I received a few hours later:

"Goodbye Nolisan,

I am writing to inform you that I wish no further contact with you, in person, on the telephone, or by internet. I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings; nor do I want to endure any future apologies you may feel motivated to express.

Although I hope you can be mature enough to respect my need to have no further contact with you ever, I want to be clear that should you disregard this, I will not hesitate to seek whatever support I require to protect myself, including the RCMP (police) if need be.

Sincerely,

exBPD"

I laughed when I first read it.

"I have no desire to be further subjected to cruelties resulting from your ongoing emotional mood swings". Really? How do you spell "projection"?

I was overly kind to her, was constantly questioning whether anything I did or said would hurt or anger her (walking on eggshells". She had no conscience on the countless hurt things she did and said. I can count her apologies on two fingers - I was constantly apologizing for very human and minor mistakes that she took unreasonably seriously.

A bit more on cruelty - I am convinced she got off on inflicting pain and control on me and others (including her dog). I get a chill down my spine when I recall a weird half smile she would get when I was in a melt down not knowing which way was up. This sadist streak is characteristic of the "Witch" type of borderline. It is beyond lack of empathy - they know how their victims are feeling and enjoy it.

And MY mood swings? Give me a break ... . Please. She would go from happy to anger/sad in a blink of an eye. I was always the cause. I admit my emotion state was a roller coaster - it followed hers. I was totally enmeshed with her moods - I could/did not have a healthy "it's her stuff" state of adult loving detachment. I was either the victim or the rescuer.

I am sure my sudden standing up for myself took her by surprise and  terrified her - suddenly her world shifted and she no longer had control of me - her comfort lies in controlling others so as she doesn't need to assume responsibility for herself.

"I hope you can be mature enough to ... . " Yes - she had to get a final condescending dig in. She was always gaslighting me that she was the "mature (superior) adult" and I was the "immature (inferior) child". I started to believe it (compliant surrender). Sometime she would say that my childlikeness was what she liked most about me - of course she did - i was her perfect victim/mark.

And how convenient her threat to call the police if I attempted contact. She had borrowed money from me with written notes of promises to pay. Kind of like a thief that burgles your house and then threatens to call the police . Her way of escaping responsibility in a very calculating manner - very Witch BPD - they are the smartest and most dangerous BPD.

The real Big Joke in her note was that sometime I would feel the need to apologize TO HER not perhaps the other way around (?). And her final act of cruelty / control ... . she would not let me apologize even if I wanted to (we are both in the 12 steps and amends are a big part of our program).

My amends to her would be "I am sorry I fell in love with you and enabled your disease to continue and progress. I am sorry I delayed your hitting bottom where you could, if you choose, start to recover. For that I am truly sorry. I did you a great disservice. Please forgive me". I have sent that into the cosmos. God has heard it.

But it ended as it was meant to. Her enforcement/threat of no contact was the biggest gift she gave me. (was that a moment of compassion?).

I have not and I will not contact her. I have written of the financial debt and abuse as a cost of my evolution.  That is job #1. She was a gift from my higher power - a teacher. Today I am grateful for the agony and the ecstasy.

Thank you God for putting her in my live: for a season and a reason, not a lifetime.

This all sounds too familiar and resonates with my experience as well.

The last words I received via text:"stop harassing me and invading my privacy or I'll contact the police"

Yup, you're welcome for me taking care of your child the last two years and help supporting you, she didn't feel guilty about keeping everything either, she felt like she deserved them for putting up with everything... .

Smh... . no good deed goes unpunished

[GreenMango]

Nolisan have you been sending her emails or messages trying to contact her?  I haven't been reading all the posts so I don't want to assume anything just checking in with you.

If you haven't that last note from her - well let her have the last word.  Lots of trouble in that note if not.  Keep looking out for you.

Your thoughts on the lesson and the season are wise.

[Murbay]

Nolisan, were we involved with the same woman?

The amount of things that were turned back around on me was incredible. I openly admit that there were times when I purposely mirrored her behaviour just to see if she got it. She did, in fact she accused me of having BPD which frustrated me because she could recognise those behaviours when I did them but never in herself.

The day she told me she wanted off the rollercoaster, I was extremely grateful until she blamed me for it all. I still took a step back and applauded her decision thinking it was a way of moving forward. What she actually meant was that I needed help because there was nothing wrong with her. I sought out help and as I became aware of the dynamic, the angrier she got. I was then accused of getting help without her and that she couldn't mean that much to me if I didn't want her on this journey with me. There was never any middle ground, it was one extreme or the other.

Even at the very end, I recieved an e-mail to say lets remain amicable, that she will always love me and care about me and to tell her what was going through my mind. I didn't respond for 3 hours so that soon changed to false allegations and for me never to contact her again. Last week I recieved an e-mail asking several questions titled "I would appreciate a response" and giving me a 3 hours deadline in which to respond. Because I didn't, there was another significant rage burst in which my therapist got the brunt of that.

She always considered herself above authority and the self-destructive things she did after a rage were always put down to fate. It's sad because there was moments where she was the most loving, kind and caring person but those moments were too few and far between.

Best of luck to you and glad you have found peace with where you are at.

[nolisan]

Nolisan have you been sending her emails or messages trying to contact her?  I haven't been reading all the posts so I don't want to assume anything just checking in with you.

If you haven't that last note from her - well let her have the last word.  Lots of trouble in that note if not.  Keep looking out for you.

Your thoughts on the lesson and the season are wise.

No Green Mango - Absolutely Not. For me contacting her would be live drinking a bottle of poison - and probably a much more painful way to die.

Not to say I haven't had the odd urge . And even thoughts of having my lawyer contact her / seek restitution about the the 5 grand she promised to pay back.

But NO - NFW - won't do it. Abstaining from any urge to contact is my greatest act of self love.

(I had a dream that she tired to contact me through my therapist - she had hit bottom and was in a psychiatric hospital - I awoke before I made a decision of how to respond. In real life I don't know how I would. Part of me still loves and cares for her. My gut tells me I would best stay NC no matter what even if it hurt to do so. Never want to step back into the tornado)

[Katsky]

Nolisan, sorry to hear about this. Stay very clear from this person, as GreenMango says. It's very dangerous to even reply. Incidentally, the wording of your BPDex's communication is very similar to what I got mid-May, after she had started stalking.

I was stalked for a couple of days in early May, with BPDexgf trying hard to reengage me. I told her to stop by email; and then she sent me a nasty letter similar to yours (but without the police threat). I told her stop again and explained why. She called the police! I've mentioned tis a couple of time before in postings here.

So, at the moment, I'm having to explain to the police four and a half years of craziness, suicide threats, abuse, manipulation, harassment and physical violence. Fortunately, I have a lot of records of this stuff, and my employer has been extremely supportive.

[nolisan]

When I hear other stories I really am blessed to have had a "sharp ending".

The night before I told her to leave - she alternated between nasty and telling me she still loved me despite the fact that she had moved back in with her Hubi who she had been away from for 5 years. She took me they were not intimate - Ya Right.

She had a crazy ideal about marriage - saying that it could involve 3 people. I feel she was suggesting me AND her hubi could both be in her life - sorry I just don't think that way. It would have gotten weirder and weirder and much more damaging to me.

[Katsky]

Oh dear - I have a similar story. I was dumped two and half years ago, with a detonation of first physical assault, and then verbal abuse and suicide threats, three months after I'd left my wife for her. She finds someone new quickly. I moved to another country for work. But she keeps contacting me for months, sometimes abusive, sometimes trying to recycle.

Eventually after 11 months, we talk on skype. She tells me she's "in love" with me, but her plan is to stay with her new bf (because he enjoys sex with her so much!), until I find a job back home. Unfortunately, we now, since last September, work in the same building. It's hell.

My experience is that when you've been split, you can never recover a stable situation. You may still genuinely care for her. But it's self-destructive to care for someone who doesn't care back. She may interpret the tiniest thing as causing pain, and then go into revenge mode. Given the extremely threatening email you got, follow GreenMango's advice: it's dangerous. Have no contact. Good luck!

[wanttoknowmore]

Nolison,

My pwBPD was a nice, caring and harmless type woman until she got dysregulated and then, on my asking her how she is feeling... . she accused me of harassing her and asked "do I need to get a restraining order on you?"

I had a shock of my life ... . No body ever threatened me with R/S... . How can she do this? I WENT NC immediately 9 weeks ago. Luckily, she has not contacted me.

My conclusion is ... . IT's a mental illness... . it's a mental illness ... . it's a mental illness... . forgive the poor girl... . she can't control her disease... . BUT, DO NOT CONTACT HER... . if you want to stay out of legal trouble or jail. Her disease can hurt you very badly.

[confetti]

It's kinda cute when you look back on all the "no" "nor" "not" and "ever"s... . it makes the little child within them visible, like they can really be in a position at all to predict how they'll feel even 10 minutes into the future?

The threats are simply out of hurting.

Mine made the same letter each recycle with those terms.

I think laughing is the best thing you can do, but not at them.

Replying does nothing either, those future terms are means to freak you out or pull the baby hammer down and say its the end and they will leave you first.

Seriously mine said he'd call the police and never has. He threatened to kill me in detail, but yeah... . he's gonna call the police.  

The ending to your post is great. You know its not worth your time to contact her anyway. The king of the cosmos heard it.