Hi Mango_flower,
Sorry, second thread... . brain is running riot tonight.
All I can think about is how I want her new relationship to break up.
But I don't want her to be hurt/depressed/suicidal... . I love and care about her and would hate for her to be distressed.
But I want her to move on from the one she's with now, to do to her what she did to me!
WHY? The new girl has done nothing to me. She is probably very nice! Why would I want her to suffer in the same way I have, and still am?
I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I imagine part of what you are feeling, and would like some validation for, is that somehow, because your relationship ended the way it did, it is some kind of failure on your part. It is not. I know that if you see the pattern happen again in this new person, you'll feel somewhat validated or vindicated. But I think this is problematic thinking for a few reasons.
First of all, what is wrong with your interpretation of your experience? Isn't that enough? :)on't you trust what you had gone through? You might consider validating your own feelings and your own memory and recollection of what happened. That should be enough. Because you trust yourself, right? I have no reason to doubt you; I trust your interpretation of your experience. I don't think you should doubt yourself.
The other problem is you might be setting yourself up for a long wait, and inadvertently giving yourself something external to obsess over, rather than just focusing on yourself. PwBPD exhibit a pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships. Your relationship was one such cycle of this pattern... . and how long did that last? 1 year? Keep in mind that different people have different degrees of tolerance for pain and relationship dysfunction. You might get lucky and this new person might have very healthy boundaries resulting in a quick end to this new relationship. Or this new person might have complicating issues and this new relationship could drag on for years. This does happen. Just look at these boards to see how quickly it can end, or how long it can drag out.
I was with my xuBPDgf for about five years. What does that say about me? In my case, my xuBPDgf married the next guy. And as far as I know (I still have a few acquaintances who stay in touch with both of us), they are still married and with children. Maybe I was dead wrong about thinking she has BPD. I don't think so. I think that's a good chance she ended up with a narcissist. I know that guy and I would bet money that's his issues. I don't know for certain. And I did probably spend to much time thinking about this before. But in the end, that didn't help me. What helps me is trusting my own understanding of what I went through, and not doubting myself.
Bottom line, is I will never know unless I somehow end up being their therapist which would be awkward because I'm not a therapist.
I know it's because if they stay together and are happy, it will mean that my ex DOES have the potential to stick with a relationship. Maybe she's not as sick as I think. Which will mean that it was me who failed.
This is not the only explanation to that possible outcome. The new person might be so emotionally distant that your ex will spend much more time before her issues cause their relationship to spiral out of control. The new person could be a narcissist, and they might even have a stable relationship together, but not one that you would want for yourself. The new person could be an extreme co-dependent and they may have an very very long and disastrous ending and ends up signing up here years from now. It doesn't really matter what the other possible explanations are. What more could you reasonably expect you could have done? :)idn't you already sacrifice too much of yourself in the first place?
If they break up, I'll be vindicated. It WASN'T me. It was HER!
Yet I know my thinking is warped.
So what are you going to think and believe until/unless that happens? That there is something wrong with you? That you are flawed? That you are not worthy of being loved? Now, that would be warped thinking.
I keep reminding myself, this is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me now. She is out of my life.
Yet I seem to obsess over this and don't know how to stop... .
It is none of your business. And you are someone who desires to be loved. It has nothing to do with you now. But she had everything to do with you before and she left/abandoned you. She hurt you in a way, no one has ever hurt you. And I hope no one will ever hurt you like this again. Because no one should be hurt like that. But you need to take care of yourself from this hurt. She is out of your life. And so she can no longer hurt you. If you keep her in your life, by continuing to focus your thoughts on what she is going through now, she will continue to hurt you. Or rather, you are still allowing yourself to get hurt. Please don't do this anymore.
If you are like me, the more you obsess over this and her, is a sign of how badly you are hurting and how much you still need to do to take care of yourself. I don't know what you need to do. Technically you do. Or at least you are in the position to find out. Please find out. Please take care of yourself.
It's all very well "banning" myself from finding out how she is and what she's up to, but I'm just not strong enough. I do well for a week or so, and then cave and look on facebook at the stuff that's public (now I'm not her fb friend anymore).
Public, private, private-eye... . doesn't matter. No contact means no contact, no information. Your wounds are still too fresh to subject yourself to this. Stop tearing at your wounds. Let them heal. You need to be strong enough for you. Because if you cannot take care of yourself, who will?
I feel so sick every time I see something alluding to how happy she is... . (Yes, I know the solution would be to not look, and trust me I've cut down loads but I do mess up from time to time).
No one posts how badly they are doing on Facebook. Maybe they do, I don't use FB enough to notice. I'm more of an analog kind of guy when it comes to social interaction. If it's making you sick, please stop doing it.
I need to change my thinking, but don't know how!
You don't need to change how you feel. You need to feel how you feel to get through these painful feelings. You can however *choose* not to act on these feelings. You don't have to act on these feelings. And they will pass. It will hurt. Just remember to breath. Grab a pillow, or a pet and give it a hug. Feel what you need to feel. And let it pass. It always does. And when it does, do something else. Read a book. Sketch a picture. Write a poem. Listen to a song. Go take a walk. Whatever it is that helps you be who you are.
In time your feelings will change. They always do. Provided you take care of yourself.
Best wishes, Schwing
