What is wrong with us?

[papawapa]

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around with what the heck is wrong with me. I endured 13 years of hell so I could get out of this relationship with my kids. Here I am with what I always wanted and I am still fantasizing about getting her back. In my mind I can think things through and see that this is really the best outcome I could have hoped for, yet I am a mess on the inside.

Then I come here and read other's posts who are going through the same thing and to be honest we are all a bunch of whiners. Why did I let this person rule roughshod over my life for so long, can see the damage she has caused her entire family, but still want her? Why are we such masochists?

[Want2know]

Why did I let this person rule roughshod over my life for so long, can see the damage she has caused her entire family, but still want her? Why are we such masochists?

That is an interesting way to put it - is it truly being a masochist?

Masochism: pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering

I would venture to say that most of us did not enter our relationships looking for this.  I was in a vulnerable state, he was charming and promised me the world, and then it all kicked in... . slowly, but surely, and to the extreme.  Did I derive pleasure from his abuse?  No.  Did I have a need to suffer?  No.  I thought I loved him, was empathetic to what he had endured in life, and was hoping that I could help him get through it and progress.  4 years later, I realized this was not going to happen.

So, the question is why did you let her dominate your life, and what will you do to ensure that doesn't happen again?

[Sharkey167]

The constant battle of head vs. heart is one I constantly have. Too bad we didn't have emotion chips that we can turn on and off... . I guess that's what makes us human.

[cska]

Hey papawawa

In my opinion and experience, it takes a special kind of person to stay with a borderline for as long as some of us on this forum have. Sure, anyone can fall for a pwBPD, but to stay in the relationship despite all of the abuse, and then long for them once we get out of the torment takes a special kind of a person. I think those of us who inherently have low self esteem, perhaps due to a not-fully nurturing childhood are very vulnerable for the traps set forth by pwBPD. (I call them traps, but they are merely defense mechanisms that pwBPD have adapted in order to survive. A lot of the horrible things that pwBPD do to us are byproducts of their mental illness, not a product of their malicious intent.)

I'm primarily taking from personal experience. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, whom I tried to please, without success. So since my childhood, my self-esteem was always low. When I met my BPD gf, I was swept off my feet during the idealization phase. Never in my life have I met someone who appreciated me as much as my dBPD gf had. She would look at me with sparkling eyes, and tell me that I was the greatest guy in the world. And she was a beautiful girl, so it was absolutely stunning to hear these things from a beautiful girl, especially for a person with low self esteem. Finally, someone appreciated me for who I was. I didn't need to do anything to please her, she just loved me for who I was. I was in heaven! And of course, I thought that I found my other half. Surely a girl who loves me so much is the one... .

Now this kind of treatment will appeal to anyone, low self esteem or not, but the difference comes after the idealization phase is over. After she started abusing me, a person who is sure of himself would clearly see that this relationship is bad, and he would leave and not look back. But I didn't want to leave, because I had low self esteem and for the first time in my life, this person made me feel so wanted. And so I couldn't let her go. The idealization phase had made such a deep and profound impact on me that I became blind to all of the abuse. I didn't want to let her go because I firmly believed that no one else would love me as much as she did. And as much as I try to let go of this belief, I can't. This is why I long for her as much as I do. This is why I can't sleep at nights.

So I think the reason why we miss them so much, despite all of the pain they put is through, is because we are not confident in ourselves. Logically, we know that we deserve respect and trust in a relationship, but on an emotional level, we don't believe that we deserve respect. I think that is why is so hard for us to let go.

[fromheeltoheal]

The way I look at it is I was susceptible and lonely, she mirrored me very well, I let my guard down entirely and didn't enforce any boundaries, didn't think I needed to since it felt perfect.  And then the other side showed up; I call it an emotional Trojan horse, worked her way in and then attacked.  It wasn't malicious mind you, it's all she knows and she's just trying to survive, and it all worked a serious number on me.  But I got off light, no marriage, no kids, just the better part of a year enmeshed in dysfunction.  It doesn't really matter though, I realize many folks here have much more intense challenges than I do, but ANY amount of time spent with that disorder can do significant damage, especially when we realize we were complicit in that dysfunction.

But what's wrong with us?  Nothing.  And that's a bad question.  Better, what can I learn from this and how does it serve me?  I was naive, admittedly, and I didn't build and maintain healthy boundaries; that won't happen again, and the next relationship, the stellar one in my future, will benefit.  And absolutely nothing is wrong with us.

[cska]

fromheeltoheal, do you miss your ex? Do you miss the relationship?

I certainly do, I'm a complete wreck. Even though my gf abused me, I still want her back and miss her like crazy. So that's why I believe there is something wrong with me. I can't move on, even though its clearly not good for me. I'm codependent, and codependency is an addiction. So I'm an addict, and by definition there is something wrong with me. So now that I know that, I'm doing my best to correct the things that got me into this BPD mess in the first place, so that I wouldn't make the mistake again.

Perhaps you're different, maybe you made an honest mistake with this relationship, and now that you're out of it, you won't make that mistake again.

But I think in my case, the reason why I stayed in the r-ship for so long was not just an honest mistake. It was a flaw in me that my BPD gf took advantage of. And in order for me to not fall into this trap again, I have to correct this flaw in myself.

I like to think of it this way. If I go out tonight and meet a girl w/ BPD. And she starts to idealize me, just like the gf had. Would I fall for it? Absolutely. Especially now that I am heartbroken. I would make the same mistake all over again.

So in order to not make that mistake again, I think I have to work on my lack of confidence.

[Octoberfest]

fromheeltoheal, do you miss your ex? Do you miss the relationship?

I certainly do, I'm a complete wreck. Even though my gf abused me, I still want her back and miss her like crazy. So that's why I believe there is something wrong with me. I can't move on, even though its clearly not good for me. I'm codependent, and codependency is an addiction. So I'm an addict, and by definition there is something wrong with me. So now that I know that, I'm doing my best to correct the things that got me into this BPD mess in the first place, so that I wouldn't make the mistake again.

Perhaps you're different, maybe you made an honest mistake with this relationship, and now that you're out of it, you won't make that mistake again.

But I think in my case, the reason why I stayed in the r-ship for so long was not just an honest mistake. It was a flaw in me that my BPD gf took advantage of. And in order for me to not fall into this trap again, I have to correct this flaw in myself.

I like to think of it this way. If I go out tonight and meet a girl w/ BPD. And she starts to idealize me, just like the gf had. Would I fall for it? Absolutely. Especially now that I am heartbroken. I would make the same mistake all over again.

So in order to not make that mistake again, I think I have to work on my lack of confidence.

It pays to be a skeptic.

I don't think anything is "wrong" with me.  I am fallible and I was naive for sure; that doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with me.

Why did I get suckered in and stay for so long?

Because I have always wanted someone I could really connect with, someone who I could trust implicitly, who wouldn't screw me over, who would be loyal and loving no matter what came.

I wanted that in a friend, and in a partner.

I chose a guy to fill the role of the friend, and my BPDex to fill the role of the partner.

Both were woefully unqualified to be in the position I put them in.

It was a matter of me wanting someone like that SO BADLY, that I stuck people in the role, and then when they didnt live up to the hype, I "ignored" it and continued living in my little fantasy land.  The "friend" didnt last that long- he got the boot.  But with her, I ignored and looked past NUMEROUS instances of infidelity and lying, because I didnt want my illusion to crumble.  In reality, my BPDex was NOTHING of what I wanted.  She is not loyal, she does not have integrity, she is not honest, and she is not respectful.  These realizations are what help me move forward; I am idealistic, sure.  But I would rather have 3 GREAT friends, who would go to any lengths for me, than 200 acquaintances.  Is it going to be hard, to find those special few people? Absolutely.  But I believe that they exist, and I WILL find them.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal, do you miss your ex? Do you miss the relationship?

I certainly do, I'm a complete wreck. Even though my gf abused me, I still want her back and miss her like crazy. So that's why I believe there is something wrong with me. I can't move on, even though its clearly not good for me. I'm codependent, and codependency is an addiction. So I'm an addict, and by definition there is something wrong with me. So now that I know that, I'm doing my best to correct the things that got me into this BPD mess in the first place, so that I wouldn't make the mistake again.

Perhaps you're different, maybe you made an honest mistake with this relationship, and now that you're out of it, you won't make that mistake again.

But I think in my case, the reason why I stayed in the r-ship for so long was not just an honest mistake. It was a flaw in me that my BPD gf took advantage of. And in order for me to not fall into this trap again, I have to correct this flaw in myself.

I like to think of it this way. If I go out tonight and meet a girl w/ BPD. And she starts to idealize me, just like the gf had. Would I fall for it? Absolutely. Especially now that I am heartbroken. I would make the same mistake all over again.

So in order to not make that mistake again, I think I have to work on my lack of confidence.

I'm sorry you're hurting cska, and I can relate to it, I was very much there.  I've now been NC with my BPD ex for longer than the relationship lasted, I've been through what you're going through, and I'm here to tell you it gets better, a lot better.

Do I miss her?  No.  Mostly because anything I would miss was her in idealization phase when she was mirroring the 'good' she saw in me; she was doing it to make herself feel whole, because a pwBPD is a half-baked personality who absolutely NEEDS to attach to someone else to feel whole, literally half a personality.  So what I've realized over the months is that awesome woman I fell in love with was actually ME, in very attractive packaging, and I can't miss that, because I'm with me all the time.  Although I'm not as good looking, I am good, I have everything I need, I gave her my best, and it was more than enough, she just couldn't 'go-there', she wasn't capable, but the next gal is going to benefit greatly.  I hung around far longer than I should have, partly because I got blindsided by the disorder, but the lessons are to be fully present in future relationships and realize that true love doesn't happen fast, it grows and matures with time, between people who are capable of true intimacy.

It's normal to question and be full of self doubt, especially if a BPD continually attacked your self esteem and confidence; I had PTSD after I left, and those things take time to heal.  You didn't ask me for advice, but to offer some, get professional help if you need it, take good care of yourself as you put one foot in front of the other, and learn the lessons as they reveal themselves to you, as you create an awesome future without her in it.

I am stronger now, and since I've learned the lessons I won't be susceptible to disordered individuals next time, and that is a gift she gave me, and for that I am thankful.  Hang in there man.

[fromheeltoheal]

In reality, my BPDex was NOTHING of what I wanted.  She is not loyal, she does not have integrity, she is not honest, and she is not respectful.