Having a meltdown - reaching out

[connect]

Hi guys,

I know I am posting a lot.

Had a meltdown last night and another one today. Have maintained no contact but cant remember why I am doing this anymore. I know he is hurting but I think I am hurting more now.

Just reaching out for some more support

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

Connect -   Breathe. Just sit still and breathe.  There is nothing more you need to do at the moment.  I forgot how to breathe for a long time.  I lived in panic/react mode for a long time.  I was petrified to lose him.  It almost broke me.

You are doing this because you can't live with things the way they were.  You are doing it for you.  So you can breathe. 

Being with and staying with someone with BPD takes patience.  Patience for the tools to work and to figure out how not to make things worse. 

Post as much as you need to - it helps to get the thoughts out of your head and into words.

[123Phoebe]

Aw Connect... .  Man, how I wish I could help take some of that anxiety away for you   It's something we have to learn to sit with though.  The world doesn't end because of it and with this newfound realization, it opens up our world(s) to better more authentic relationship dynamics.

We gather strength in our pain and I'll tell you what... .  After acquiring it, I wasn't so quick to give it away again.

I think I'd reframe my thoughts to something other than 'no contact'.  No contact sounds a little like a stand-off.  Waiting for someone to make the next move.

It's more like, giving yourself a little breathing room (what coworkerfriend said )  It's good to be able to recognize our own need for space... . breathing room... . to get back to what's really important... . ourselves

Keep posting!  We're here and we have your back

[NoSocks]

connect, I have been there too. the advice about reframing what your doing sounds like a great way to ease the emotions. A breather is right, I too began a 'stand off' and broke away only to see that it wasn't helpful to be apart long term for him or for myself... . but the reality is you need a break. That part is absolute. My thoughts are with you. There's strength in numbers, share, share, share.

[briefcase]

I agree with Phoebe, its not so much about "no contact" - which is a radical tool, even for leaving - as about just gathering some strength with a little time to yourself.  It is very hard work to re-set these relationships. 

Maybe use this thread to keep us updated as you move through this.  I'm pulling for you.   

[patientandclear]

Hey Connect ... . I suspect if you look at the "I'm crawling out of my skin & I have to contact him" feeling -- which I identify with very well -- you will find that it's the impulse to "score" to feed your addiction to him and the relationship.  Once you see it that way, it may be easier to resist.  Given that he's asked to be away, this "hit" value is about all you can expect to get out of contacting him right now, right?  Some contact for the sake of contact.

There are lots of other, better feelings you have about the relationship than its addiction value.  Valuing him, your commitment to him, enjoying lots of what goes on with the two of you when you are together.  But those things are not enhanced by reaching out to him out of a desperate impulse to be in contact no matter what.  They are enhanced by ensuring you preserve your self-respect, you remember that your life has meaning even without him, and you act as though the relationship's value comes from honoring the best in both of you, not undermining it.

Point being, if you circle yourself around all that is genuinely good in this relationship, you may find that none of that material dictates that you contact him when he's asked to have some separation and has stated he is "breaking up."

The ease with which pwBPD who've said they love us can convert us into "stalkers," manipulators, controllers, enemies, in their own minds when we won't let them go, is astonishing to me.  It's a very very pervasive pattern.  If he says he's going, you gotta let him go.  Otherwise he will never learn that he doesn't want to be gone, for one thing.  For another, your self-regard requires that you not chase after someone who is not demonstrating that your value registers to him right now.

This is not a push for "NC," but rather, urging you not to turn to him to score a "hit," when doing so actually could be pretty damaging to the dynamic between you, and damaging to your sense of autonomy and self-determination.

 

[connect]

Hello,

Thanks so much. Really – thanks. 

Coworkerfriend – thanks – yes breathing through this is bang on right. Panic/react mode is how I have felt EXACTLY. Thinking about it I have been there at some level for months now so its not surprising its my default setting on an even grander scale now. How did it almost break you? Yesterday and this morning were horrendous  - I couldn’t stand to be in my own head and physically I was going downhill and out of control. Nothing I need to do? Yep, right again – there is nothing I need to do – I need to listen to this advise. I like your use of the word patience too 

Pheobe – thank you again x gathering strength through the pain is something I want to get out of this. And getting the word NC out of my vocabulry is much better for me. Glad you have my back... .

RX – thanks for posting and your helpful words when you have your own stuff going on too  Hope you are ok.

Briefcase – I have been reading your old posts  – they are very insightful and intelligent. Thanks

P&C Thank you so much.

I went to the doctor today. She was great. She said I have anxiety and she gave me valium to take when I am having a meltdown and offered to sign me off work sick if I needed it.  I said I may save that sign off until I know for sure that the r/s is over. I will need it then. Am feeling calmer now but I have just seen he has sent me a text. My phone only showed the first line. “Hi. I thought I would…” I shut it and threw the phone down panicked. I know what its going to say. He’s going to return my things from his house. I know this. I am petrified to read it. Will open another topic when I do. Think we are done.

I am going to post this now. Thanks guys so much.

x