I am not sure what to do...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have an upcoming court date this Thursday with my wife.

I drove 40 miles yesterday to the town she must be living in, since that is where she filed a restraining order against me. I wanted to make sure I knew how to get there.

I cannot concentrate at all. I have a million and one things going through my head.

I even called the pharmacy today to refill a script for anxiety meds, meds I stopped taking a few months ago. But I feel I need them pretty badly right now.

What is the hardest for me to reconcile is this. We went to court together 15-18 times together over our 4 years of marriage, fighting both of our exes. We stood by each others side. Hand and hand, and we went to every single court appearance ready to get each others back.

In my wife's complaint, she has written a pretty damning thing about a custody issue I had. We had made the decision as husband and wife how to deal with that custody case, and now she has thrown that in the complaint. I am sickened over this. I cannot believe she would do that.

But I actually can. I can believe anything at this point. And here is the issue. Why in the world am I sitting here suffering through my emotions of still caring about this woman?

It's as if I have been punched in the face by my wife, blood seeping out of my nose, kicked in the groin, screaming in pain, and now she just ran my foot over with her car, and I am still emotionally attached to this woman - hoping, praying, wishing she would just stop for a minute, and love me again. It is beyond frustrating to feel this way.

I cannot get not only her out of my head, and after all the court cases we stood together, I am now going up against this woman who stood by my side and I stood by her side court case after court case, and now this?

And I have not seen my wife in 7 months. I have never been given a reason why? Why did you leave this marriage again? And the thought of this being the first time I see her... . is killing me. I don't want to do this... .

I fear I am not emotionally doing well and I just want Thursday to come and go and put this behind me.

Why is it though, I cannot release, let go, put this behind me? Just look at the things I have gone through being with this woman? I have lost so much... . I just want to let her go and emotionally she is front and center in my life. I am really struggling with it.

[spaceace]

I have an upcoming court date this Thursday with my wife.

I drove 40 miles yesterday to the town she must be living in, since that is where she filed a restraining order against me. I wanted to make sure I knew how to get there.

I cannot concentrate at all. I have a million and one things going through my head.

I even called the pharmacy today to refill a script for anxiety meds, meds I stopped taking a few months ago. But I feel I need them pretty badly right now.

What is the hardest for me to reconcile is this. We went to court together 15-18 times together over our 4 years of marriage, fighting both of our exes. We stood by each others side. Hand and hand, and we went to every single court appearance ready to get each others back.

In my wife's complaint, she has written a pretty damning thing about a custody issue I had. We had made the decision as husband and wife how to deal with that custody case, and now she has thrown that in the complaint. I am sickened over this. I cannot believe she would do that.

But I actually can. I can believe anything at this point. And here is the issue. Why in the world am I sitting here suffering through my emotions of still caring about this woman?

It's as if I have been punched in the face by my wife, blood seeping out of my nose, kicked in the groin, screaming in pain, and now she just ran my foot over with her car, and I am still emotionally attached to this woman - hoping, praying, wishing she would just stop for a minute, and love me again. It is beyond frustrating to feel this way.

I cannot get not only her out of my head, and after all the court cases we stood together, I am now going up against this woman who stood by my side and I stood by her side court case after court case, and now this?

And I have not seen my wife in 7 months. I have never been given a reason why? Why did you leave this marriage again? And the thought of this being the first time I see her... . is killing me. I don't want to do this... .

I fear I am not emotionally doing well and I just want Thursday to come and go and put this behind me.

Why is it though, I cannot release, let go, put this behind me? Just look at the things I have gone through being with this woman? I have lost so much... . I just want to let her go and emotionally she is front and center in my life. I am really struggling with it.

[Healing4Ever]

Hi Spaceace,   

I am sorry you are in such a difficult place - planning for a court date must be extremely scary.  There is a lot of the unknown in that type of situation - what will happen etc.  And when dealing with someone with BPD, the ante in this regard goes up. 

I am much more recently split from my ex, so I'm not sure how much I can help.  I have started to find that I feel much better when I focus on my own needs. Things like figuring out what I truly love to do (gardening, photography, girls groups, sports, etc), and also figuring out how exactly I am supposed to love myself.  I never really did figure out what that means in the past.  But I'm seeing that it starts with trusting myself, following my niggles, NOT defending myself or needs to anyone (was this ever a BIG trap for me in my r/s with my ex - he could not understand or give compassion), seeking out people who can truly love and accept me, and finding and trusting a higher power (for me - God). 

However, as soon as he pops into my mind - either b/c he contacts me, or from a dream, or whatever, I'm not doing as well.  Which means I can start reminiscing about good times, wanting him back, seeing only the good stuff and forgetting the bad stuff, starting to beat up on myself again.  I can imagine I would be completely unraveled if I had a court date coming up - so perhaps you need to be kind to yourself about your longings and reactions.  Your stress, sadness, longing for better times, wanting everything to be better - these sound like normal coping responses.  We certainly didn't ask for any of the craziness -but now it is up to us to take care of ourselves, because our ex's definitely have shown they won't.

Take care of yourself this week!  Perhaps plan for friends/family to come with you, or meet with you before or after your court date to provide extra support.  Whatever you can think of to help yourself through.

H4E

[spaceace]

I just had this thought, an analogy comes to mind, dealing with my BPD wife.

This whole experience feels like this.

I was walking down the street one sunny day and a truck driver, who was drunk, driving without a license, flew onto the sidewalk, ran me over, broke my back... . and I am now crippled due to a C5 vertebrae being snapped, and I am in a wheel chair for life, has brought me to court and I need to answer why not only was I on the street that day just walking along, minding my own business, but why after he ran me over, did I curse and scream at him, while lying there bloodied and will never walk again, why did I do what I did!

It is so backwards... . and yet... . here I still sit... . asking myself internally, if my wife could only step back and see me... . she would see the damage and have some inkling that SHE hurt me... . and I have for months now, struggled, trying to make sense out of it all. And I have said things, things that were hurtful, but nothing in her complaint rises to the status of being abusive or threatening, why has she done this last final thing to destroy me in such a way? Why? Why are you taking me to court and doing this? What do you gain?

And when will I learn? Learn to detach... .  

[seeking balance]

Spaceace,

It is normal to feel anxious before going to court - the degree to which the anxiety possesses us is likely the degree of which we are still hurt and feel vulnerable.

Like you said, she was your safety net through court on your first marriage, thus having to fight your perceived "safety net" now will feel really big. 

Self talk is important - keep telling yourself you are ok, because you are.  These anxiety feelings are just that - feelings... . not facts.  The facts are, court will be done soon and you will continue to heal.

If you need meds, by all means use them.  Also, I found exercise to help with those anxious times.  Ultimately, I would say over and over "this too shall pass".

Hang in there,

SB

[spaceace]

Thanks for the words ... .

This hearing can possibly turn really ugly... . I have created my questions, and they don't paint a pretty picture and I am wondering how far I go with the questions... . to make my point... . we will see... .

[marbleloser]

Since it's a restraining order,you'll be on the defensive.No need to bring up anything concerning her really.Simply state the facts,counter her claims,and remember,she has to prove there's a genuine need for the order.

Tell the judge you don't want anything to do with her and that you won't be contacting her again.

You'll most likely get another chance,because the judge understands what a RO means to you.

Be calm. It's ok to be nervous,because I'm sure the judge see's that often,but be calm.Don't be baited into raising your voice.Take your time answering any questions.

[Validation78]

Hey Spaceace!

I really can relate to your pain and anxiety. I had my court date for my divorce one week ago today, and dreaded it before I went! Here's how I got through it:

Did deep breathing exercises before, during and after

Brought a friend with me to support me

Focused on the fact that after this, things would get better

Thought of it like a business meeting. I do them all of the time. No emotion, just business.

After, I gave myself the day to unwind, and gather my thoughts. I did great, and so will you. It's a new beginning, and will open the door to new happiness, I promise!

Best Wishes,

Val78