break up to stay together

[livin2farnorth]

ok so here is currently what I am trying to deal with and figure out. My BPD wife whom I love to death has been making a suggestion that we should separate in order to start dating and become friends again. when I say separate she is suggesting that I move out for a year and pretend that we are not married and that we do not have kids and have a long distance relationship all the while pretend that we just met and go from there. If after a year if everything is going well move back in together.

1. I have a problem with this because its like trying to have your cake and eat it too

2. If I separate in my mind that means that its over period

3. There doesn't seem to be any logic in this at all to me

4. I feel that if we do this then it will give her the opportunity to start the cycle over again and will end up being back in the same boat that we are now... . if not worse

5. has anyone ever heard of this working for anyone that is NOT on greys anatomy?

any advice would be appreciated     

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

ok so here is currently what I am trying to deal with and figure out. My BPD wife whom I love to death has been making a suggestion that we should separate in order to start dating and become friends again. when I say separate she is suggesting that I move out for a year and pretend that we are not married and that we do not have kids and have a long distance relationship all the while pretend that we just met and go from there. If after a year if everything is going well move back in together.

1. I have a problem with this because its like trying to have your cake and eat it too

2. If I separate in my mind that means that its over period

3. There doesn't seem to be any logic in this at all to me

4. I feel that if we do this then it will give her the opportunity to start the cycle over again and will end up being back in the same boat that we are now... . if not worse

5. has anyone ever heard of this working for anyone that is NOT on greys anatomy?

any advice would be appreciated     

Sounds absolutly like a perfect arrangment... . FOR HER... . I have heard this EXACT scenario asked of people involved with PD's SO many times... . It's like a given within  relationship with a pwPD.  Can't wait for other's to chime in on this one. 

With this set up, the PD can have what they want when they want it and will not have to be as accountable for their actions and behaviors if you are not always around.  A very opportunistic relationship for them and VERY beneficial... . wouldn't you say?

[bruceli]

ok so here is currently what I am trying to deal with and figure out. My BPD wife whom I love to death has been making a suggestion that we should separate in order to start dating and become friends again. when I say separate she is suggesting that I move out for a year and pretend that we are not married and that we do not have kids and have a long distance relationship all the while pretend that we just met and go from there. If after a year if everything is going well move back in together.

1. I have a problem with this because its like trying to have your cake and eat it too

2. If I separate in my mind that means that its over period

3. There doesn't seem to be any logic in this at all to me

4. I feel that if we do this then it will give her the opportunity to start the cycle over again and will end up being back in the same boat that we are now... . if not worse

5. has anyone ever heard of this working for anyone that is NOT on greys anatomy?

any advice would be appreciated     

Awesome way to reduce the intimacy?  That which they fear most... .

[livin2farnorth]

so it doesn't seem logical to you either then? I agree not saying we have had any intimacy for over a year now anyway but still.

[allibaba]

As spouses of BPDs we get asked to do a lot of crazy things to try to make our relationships work.  Unfortunately BPDs are not logical.  I know a lot of us have moved for our spouses... . some more than once!  We have given up relationships with family members and friends!  We have done everything in our power (seemingly) to make our spouses happy and its only made it worse.

Don't agree to anything that you aren't comfortable with!  And check out the lessons ----->  

Ironically 6 months ago I would have been glad to break up and perhaps even have my husband move out (even though I both love and adore him)... . and I am happy that we didn't do anything drastic because life is getting a lot better in my neck of the woods.  

[livin2farnorth]

ok well I am glad that I'm not the only one that thinks this is crazy (not a word I would use ABOUT anyone more about what they are saying) I don't want to move out I am not comfortable with it and I will fight for it. My wife always asks me "What happens if you stay here and fight and then I get better and I still want to separate?" I keep asking her not to play the what if game but I don't know what else I can say.

[connect]

Hi,

This is familiar to me also. I went from being asked to move in and he would support me to being told after a few months that for him it may be better more casual. The changes work both ways though remember - she could easily change her mind back about this scheme. I would ignore it as much as you can if you don't want it. Sometimes if you talk/argue about it a lot with them it grows from a weird trying the water seed of an idea into something more concrete and valid.

How are your feelings? I know you don't want to do it but how do you feel ?

[livin2farnorth]

honestly I feel hurt. I am not always an emotional guy but as of lately I have been quite emotional about all this. I can't tell her that I'm hurt because right now it's all about her and how she is feeling. Her family already doesn't like me because I have always stood up for myself even to them and they are a group of females that feel that men should bow down to them not an equal partnership. so basically I try and talk to my friends as much as possible. Not really a lot of outlet for me to be honest.

[Mono No Aware]

Sounds like a great way to get trapped in a loop of hooking up and breaking up, and magnify rather than minimize the drama.

Every now and then I hear about someone who divorces and re-marries the same person multiple times. I used to think that was weird, now I know that there is some serious BPD going on there.

Go back to the lessons: the BPD needs Object Constancy.

Breaking up and hooking up will cast you more deeply into splitting roles and futher erode her trust in you. If you jump on board with her illogical and drama-multiplying scheme, it will be YOUR fault. Beware, and I speak from personal experience here, even simply agreeing to try such a thing may very well be fodder for a dysregulation episode now or later.

[Mono No Aware]

Just found this in the Lessons in the Intimacy thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.0

Not only do people with BPD fear intimacy, they really aren't capable of any form of consistent intimacy. To be able to be intimate or emotionally close to someone requires being able to tolerate distance. Borderlines cannot tolerate the ebb and flow - the moving in and out - between closeness (intimacy) and distance. Intimacy, or being close emotionally, leaves the borderline stressed often with the fear of engulfment. Any shift in closeness, even a slight shift, is perceived or feared as abandonment and/or rejection.

BPD and intimacy are not compatible. Those with BPD do crave to be close to someone and usually that is driven by very child-like emotional neediness that revolves around borderlines trying to meet their needs through others and trying to get some sense of "self" through "other" to validate their own existence - have it mirrored back.

Intimacy is one aspect of adult age-appropriate relating that very much highlights the borderline's arrested emotional development and inability to maintain age-appropriate and situationally-appropriate relating in any consistent way. Often those with BPD will generate emotional chaos and conflict to create space, distance "other" in search of some temporary relief to engulfment fears which then quickly leaves the borderline feeling as if they have been or about to be abandoned. It's a classic no-win situation for the borderline and then of course by extension for the non borderline.

Fear of intimacy, as with so many things borderline is a manifestation of the polarized struggle to both find 'authentic self" and identity while needing also to feel individuated - within a connection or attempts at attaching or bonding that can give the borderline a container for all the emotions they cannot cope with or tolerate themselves. Borderlines have not worked through or completed the early childhood developmental phase of separation/individuation. Attempts at intimacy for the borderline can't help but lead to "I-hate-you, don't-leave-me" and to "get-away-closer" emotional chaos - the traditional borderline push/pull.

Borderline fear of intimacy, on the one hand, is as strong as borderline need, and desire for intimacy or for the kind of closeness that gives them an "other" to live through is on the other hand.

Borderline Personality Disorder and intimacy are not compatible in any consistent, age-appropriate or lasting way. Attempts to manage the emotional dysregulation of attempting to be close to and with someone (until and unless a borderline gets into serious therapy and gets on the road to recovery) is lost to the the primary defense mechanism of splitting.

[Grey Kitty]

Without kids, I could see something like this working. With kids, you'll have to come up with a custody arrangement... . and I'm not sure I would trust it without involving courts over it... . and that is a huge extra can of worms.

When I said something "like" this working, I'm talking about Therapeutic Separation which is actually supervised by a therapist... . that doesn't sound like your situation.

Most importantly, if it doesn't work for you, tell her that it doesn't work for you. Don't try to convince her that it is a bad idea (even though you think it is). Just tell her that you don't want to split up.

If you really believe this, you might tell her that you would view a separation as permanent rather than temporary... . but I'm afraid that would make things worse, not better.

[livin2farnorth]

when I say something like "I view a separation as the first step to divorce and it's time to move on" the reply I get is "So you're saying that if we separate then we are getting a divorce and there's no chance to work it out" which of course a reply for me in any way is a lose-lose situation so I have started to ignore her reply and usually tell her some analogy to try and change her way of thinking to logical which as I see now doesn't ever work. So here I am at an impasse to start an argument or to walk away and lick my wounds... .

[danley]

Something similar happened between me and my ex. He had this crazy idea that it would strengthen our relationship if he would go and "experiment" when he came back. I thought it was a crazy idea.  He tried and tried to sell it to me.  I told him I didn't get it.  He then tried to use an example of what if someone were to hit him up for sex and he agreed.  I said I would be upset, of course.  His response was that wouldn't it be better for him to get all the things he never did in his youth out NOW and then get back together after when he realizes he has to settle down?  I was confused with his angle and where he was coming from.  So I just asked him, what if someone came and hit me up for sex and I agreed?  Would he be okay with that.

End of subject.  NO more talking about it. Although Im sure his master plan was still on his mind.  It was like he never even looked at things from the other side.  Guess he didn't like my come back?

Anyway, things between us were good.  But like many of you have mentioned... . as soon as we became more close and intimacy levels were prime he would say these off the wall remarks.  Almost like testing me or pushing me away.  It was hurtful and always left me thinking, ":)id he just say those things?".

[LosingIt2]

God my ex did this after 4 years together. She wanted to move out, have space to work on herself and for us to "date". Insanity ensued. I wasn't happy about it, tried to hang on and she pushed and pulled. Oh, and she was having an emotional affair behind my back. Needless to say, it didn't work out and a year later we are no longer on speaking terms. In her BPD mind she was testing me, projecting, gaslighting, scapegoating and punishing me! I really don't recommend playing along. She will push intil you break, my friend.

[Grey Kitty]

So here I am at an impasse to start an argument or to walk away and lick my wounds... .

The argument doesn't work, that is pretty clear. We've got a couple of topics about that, in fact.

How to stop circular arguments

Arguing - don't engage

Simply saying you don't agree / don't want to do it, and not biting on anything else is your best bet.

[livin2farnorth]

thank you for those... . the first one has already struck a nerve with me. I have to say this was probably the best thing that I have ever done was joining this forum. Thank you everyone.

[allibaba]

I have to say this was probably the best thing that I have ever done was joining this forum. Thank you everyone.

Me too!  Its literally saving my life.  I have read books, I have done therapy but the lessons (and this forum) are the first thing that has truly, truly helped.