the new guy, my kids, dealing with the inevitable

[theirdad]

I've posted a similar topic before.  I'm 7 months into divorce proceedings.   My kids, 2 & 4, just told me about an overnight trip they took with my stbxbp and her new BF.  I know it's life, people divorce etc.  Still its hard knowing my kids are doing things with some other guy.  Adding to it, the place was one I had planned on taking my kids, and the stbx knew it.  she even texted me (before I knew who went on the trip) "you were missed on our trip."  Hard to deal with. 

[marbleloser]

I know it's difficult.Also,refer to them as "our kids".Get in the habit of this.They aren't "yours" or "hers".You both are their parents.Anything otherwise sounds controlling and you'll be better off in court to refer to them as "our children".

That said,is there any way you can document that she had the kids overnight with a male,whom isn't a relative? The courts usually frown on this kind of behavior,especially while the divorce is ongoing.

I've heard of dads getting custody just because there "might" have been a chance for molestation to take place.Especially if kiddos are sleeping in the same bed as new guy and mom.

Side note:If it bothers you,make sure you have that written into the decree."No adult overnight guests,whom aren't directly related,are to be at either home while the children are present",or something to that extent.

[DreamGirl]

It is hard to deal with.

Getting a divorce is all about a practice in learning to detach - which is pretty flippin' hard to do when there are kids involved. You have their best interests in mind and you have to be involved in the life of your former counterpart to a certain extent.

What part is hard for you? (It helps to talk it out)

Do you miss the feelings of "family"?

Jealous that another man is being a part of their/her life?

Do you miss them (a lot) while at their mom's?

Something else?

~DreamGirl

[theirdad]

Getting a divorce is all about a practice in learning to detach - which is pretty flippin' hard to do when there are kids involved. You have their best interests in mind and you have to be involved in the life of your former counterpart to a certain extent.

What part is hard for you? (It helps to talk it out)

Do you miss the feelings of "family"?

Jealous that another man is being a part of their/her life?

Do you miss them (a lot) while at their mom's?

Something else?


Dreamgirl

What part of it is hard? Well, all of the above really.  I miss the feelings of "family" terribly.  I miss it to the extent that I had actually considered yet "another try" i.e. recycle.  "Family" in my case is just a fantasy.  My relationship with stbx was toxic at best - I can tend to forget that- the daily rages, constant criticism etc.  Our children I believe are better off now.  But the feelings of family, or the sadness of the lack, are strong. This is our second separation and my stbx's mantra has always been "I'm going to give them a real family!" Less than a month after our first separation our oldest child began telling me that she loved her then new boyfriend.  When I confronted my ex saying perhaps it wasn't in the best interest of the kids to have them so involved with the new guy she simply laughed.   She knew it hurt me then and she knows it now.

Jealous?  Yes, I hate to admit it because it sounds unbecoming, but I am jealous that some other guy gets to do those things with my kids.  I'm their father.  I put everything I have into being the best parent I can.  Like so many of us, I sacrifice, I show up.  But the logistics and challenges of my life limit what I'm able to do alone with two toddlers as a single parent.  I couldn't conceive of taking our kids on a trip with a new GF right now.  Not while they're still processing the divorce- just the other day our 4yr said "I wish you, me, mommy and [brother] could all live together again."  But my stbx is different.  She's off starting her 'new family' and I'm the biological dad getting in the way.

Do I miss our kids when they're away?  I miss them all the time.  I love them.  I worry about them being around her and how her disordered behavior will affect them in the long run.  I just show up and love them and do my best to provide them a consistent, stable and unconditionally loving environment at least when they're with me. 

I hope all this gets easier

[DreamGirl]

Soo... . does it help to know that all those feelings, statistically speaking, puts you in the normal range for reactions? Most Dad's miss the sense of family more then they actually miss their ex.

For both moms and dads, having another individual come into the dynamic can be very difficult. My husband, this last weekend, 9 years post divorce from the mother of his children (and remarried to me) was disappointed when he heard that his ex-wife's boyfriend taught his oldest daughter how to drive a manual stick shift. He had been meaning to do it for a while now.

He had to remind himself, "It's OK. I'll always be her Dad... . " The emotions are always real and valid, it's what you do with those raw emotions that counts. My husband knew that it was just a guy helping out his girlfriend's daughter. Calling the ex would have proven fruitless and in the end, it really is OK that he taught her. It really, really is OK.  

I think you're in love with the idea of the "nuclear" family more then you are in love with the person who played the role of wife/mother.

So you get to restructure what "family" means. So does she. It's OK if they have a sense of family over there - it doesn't make them NOT feel a sense of family when they are with you too. We are not black and white thinkers, even when the disordered souls in our life are. They're young and you've gifted them so much with your chosing peace instead of toxicity. Risk factors decrease when you do what you've done and reduced the levels of conflict for them on a day to day basis. A study in 2003 by Constance Ahrons showed that an increasing number of grown children of divorce were glad their parents divorced when the parents simply could not get along.

Research shows that all kiddos of divorce want is the room to love BOTH parents. I think you're doing all the right things here, theirdad. I can keep telling you over and over that you will always be irreplaceable as a Dad, but it's up to you to start believing those words.

Because they're true.  

~DreamGirl  

[ZigofZag]

Great posts, I have this coming over the horizon. Thanks theirdad  for the original post and thank you DreamGirl for the insights.

[Mutt]

I'm going through the same thing.

My uBPD STBX left with another man and 2 1/2 weeks after she moved out with the kids, S2, S5, D7 she introduces her boyfriend to them. I did not expect that so quickly. About a week after that she said during a conversation "It broke my heart S5 asked, is he going to sleep on the couch like daddy did?" They go out on family dates to the movies, beach etc... . and we've been separated for just under 4 months. It absolutely pains me that the kids are not given proper time to absorb and heal after the events of our separation/divorce. It's crushing that all I can do is be the stable one for my kids.

[lovedandlost]

I thank all of you for sharing as I'm dealing with these exact emotions at the moment. I tell many people that I always wanted to be a family. It pains me to hear about her behavior with her boyfriend when he randomly sleeps over. I hear about it from my son(8). They've all slept in the same bed together. I remain strong and emotionally stable, comforting and understanding as my son tells of his experiences; and it tears me up inside.

[Faded]

Hey theirDad,

How you feeling today?

I wanted to chip in here as i totally sympathise with where you are.

I too watched as my childs mother upped and left in an incredibly hurtful manner, taking our child and leaving me with whole host twisted issues to deal with as well as my own.

The loss of the family is incredibly painful, a loss that cannot be truly comprehended by most. Soul destroying at best.

A true sense of loss to us whilst seemingly they move on and set up family like adding it to the weekly shopping list of things needed!

It took me time and growth within the situation to really grasp it and become a single parent to my D.

I stayed single for a couple of years after splitting from childs mother (14 years ago, D is 14), didnt involve my D with new partner and rightly so as it didnt work out and within a few weeks i was happily single again.

In terms of the mother, i was replaced. D was being trained to call her new partner dad even though i was being pro-active in my parenting.

This did incite me somewhat. A stern but polite statement was made by me reguarding my role and her partners role.

It was hard to accept that someone else would be doing things that i felt i should be the one doing on a daily basis but he was in no way a father to my child. I think the saying that helped me best here was 'Anyone can be a dad but it takes someone special to be a father'

Over time i think a mutual respect for each other was gained (myself and exes partner). Sure we had a few heated moments in the past but i made it clear i was here for my daughter and will be around for my daughter for at least the next 18 years and beyond so either he had better wise up and accept that or accept its going to be rough ride for all of us.


Jelousy of the other partner? yes yes yes. All that in copious amounts but it does wear thin eventually and of course is only natural. Jelousy is a genuine feeling so why not work your way through it as healthily and as mindful of it as you can. Recognise a way to de-trigger it, recognise what contact or hearing info could do to maximise that jelousy then we can see a way to minimise it.

My ex got her mate with her to announce she was was someone else only a day or 2 after a 5 year r/s.

My ex got her mate with her to announce she was then with someone else a few months later after a recycle!

"                                                            " ... . getting engaged

"                                                            " ... . pregnant

This list is endless and was demoralising for myself to hear, tough to process and difficult to navigate through emotionally.

For me recognising these thing were the firsts steps to me making my boundaries a little clearer, maybe you could do the same if you feel you need to do so. Keeping strong boundaries at the moment could be good for your recovery and shows a certain amount of emotional stability in a situation that i know is emotionally draining and causing you sadness.


Missing the kids? the stress put upon us is immense. Having to deal with the craziness of the split we are then left without our children too on some days(dependant on situation). As aparent i cant think of anything worse to experience without a death occuring, the loss of family and the lonliness of not being able to nurture our children in the true form of what we envisaged. A real anger builder when we add the sums up as to why we are currently familyless and alone.

For me, just the label 'broken family' tied to me is something that still saddens me. Im beyond the sadness that created it and it doesnt affect the way i move forward with my life now, but at times when it crosses my mind there is an inner tear for that.


Learning to adapt and accept that your are a single will be strong points to note i believe.


14 years beyond this but having offspring means there will be a connection til at least the children become more independant.

What i can say is on the plus side, keep being the father you always wanted to be irrespective of the situation. Dont let anything stop you being the loving, doting father that you are. OK you might not be able to roll with that 7 days a week but the days you get with your children will be special. The bond you will have with your children will grow to be stronger than you ever imagined and you will recognise how rewarding and different being a single parent can be.

Over time you will grow and flourish and reap the rewards on offer.


Sadly for me and our daughter i havnt spoken/seen D's mum for 2 years. My choice to go NC.

Rock and a hard place? you know that place yeah?

D also decided she had enough of her mums crazy behaviour.

Not a decision im entirely proud of but at the time i needed to breath so felt i was removing myself out of range of an erupting volcano rather than a complete immature refusal of adult communication.


If i can offer any advice reguarding NC then i will emphasise that staying in some sort of communication with childs mother(child related issues) will be imperative to your own healing and most importantly gives your children the knowledge they are loved by both of you and also their is no animosity between you 2.

Everything you are saying is really resonating with me and want you to understand that i know how your feeling, yes, all them twisted feelings that sometimes feel like a thousand feelings at once all tangle up into a web of sadness and madness. I understand your plight and the situation you are in.

It gets better and easier with time as we learn to live the new life we have rather than resent the life we consider we have been left with.

I really want to encourage you to keep posting and ultimately go speak to someone of you are not already to give you an outlet. Having children means you cant just walk away overnight, this also means that there will instances that need arranging/sorting out etc etc This can be triggering at times so the quicker you can put effort into you the better.

Anytime not spent with the children could be spent down the gym, talking to therapist or a listener ----- time spent on rebuilding you, take up indoor rock climbing, go swimming, buy an Rc helicopter, buy a huge stunt kite... . do something for you, then when you have your children you will have more free emotional space for them.

When D was much younger i used to take her to feed the ducks down the local country park, maybe take a picnic. Go swimming, play games together. Get messy with paint (kids love getting messy), baking cakes, local fetes, gala days, bike rides, dog racing, football matches. A real combination of events and activites.

Growing older (14) she become a very sporty person getting into martial arts, atheletics and football. Last couple of years has been asked on trial for a couple of top ladies teams football and has recently excelled in atheletics making it into the press for her achievments in football and atheletics.

These things make me proud, these are the things that let me know its worth the effort.

just recently had a day out with friends and all the children, one comment from a friends wife (she knows im a single parent, nothing more than that), she said after talking to my D for 20mins 'What a wonderful job youve done,what truly wonderful daughter you have'

Such a beautiful comment and very heart warming and huge help to me with the life i have and the decisions ive had to make.

It does get better, you just have to give it time and clear your vision  

[Free One]

Grieving the loss of the family unit is very hard and it takes time. It is made even harder when you feel someone else is getting to enjoy what you are losing. I've been there; I'm there now. It does get easier, but it takes a lot of time. 

For court purposes, you probably need to confront ex on trip with new bf. That is what my L suggested. It's better you have proof from her, not kids.

[ZigofZag]

Hey there Faded,

Great post, great insight. It is a tough time. I strangely console myself with the thought the she was most likely already seeing other men throughout our marriage anyway. The new relationships are just a repeat of past events. More difficult now with little ones involved.

Stay strong everyone.

[beeker]

Wow. Wish I had come here sooner. All the same feelings and issues. I am struggling now with how she is treating the children who chose to live wirh me. She keeps saying she puts them first but I think if youre on this sight you know its not true. My problem is that she is doing things just to hurt them. They are old enough to see it (17g, 13g) for what it is but it obviously still hurts. Ive tried to step in but its almost like she gets excited about explaining why we have it all wrong. Struggling to not get involved and just be there when it happens for support. Is there anything I can do? I have been telling them they need a relationship with their mom since the start but after this last round my oldest asked "can I stop trying to be her daughter now?" Worst pain ive felt since this started. The new guy isnt a bad guy. Of course im the enemy because of what she tells him but he handles himself well and although I believe he is nice to the girls it seems to be only when he is trying to impress the ex. Just at a loss in how to prevent more hurt or if I should even try. And yes I miss the feeling of family but it was false and I know it. On our first real trip since this started to visit family and I think this is the first time in a long time we have relaxed and enjoyed ourselves. We always knew the hate and anger would come as soon as it ended. Hated my family even though they loved her unconditionally. Still do.