I finally left again...

[thelword]

Hey all, I'm new here. I wanted to post here since I am coping with post break up pain. Sorry ahead of time, my thoughts are jumbled.

I'm a lesbian (25) and I dated a woman (27) who has been diagnosed with BPD and is actually in therapy. I'll call her J. We have been in a long distance relationship (3.5 hours away) for about 2 years off and on. We have had fights where the cops were called because she wouldn't quit screaming, she's jumped out of my car in a bad neighborhood, threatened suicide, tried to cut herself with scissors and I cut my hand taking them from her, she's called me from an overpass threatening to jump, she told me she was in the hospital when she wasn't, lied frequently, she has cried and had her daughter crying and mad at me when I tried to leave ''them'', she's blocked doors, physically assaulted me, and basically used me up.

We have broken up several times and gotten back together. Too many to count really, but two huge break ups. I broke up with her in October (due to her lack of communication with me) and stayed away for a couple months until she came around on Xmas and begged to see me. I was NC but missed her so badly, it was torture.

Near the end October, before the breakup, J kept hanging out with a ''friend'' who was going through a bad break up. Well of course J rebounded with the friend. Then J got evicted from her house and had to move in with this ''friend'' because J said she had nowhere else to go. We started talking, she started promising to communicate better, treat me better, get help in therapy, etc. She was even planning to move here in August. I always suspected J was in a relationship with her rebound, but J would still call me late at night after work (she is a bartender) and told me she had to sleep on the couch. And we would talk for hours, so I kind of believe that. I guess it doesn't matter anyway and I'll never know the truth.

We had been talking again for about four months and for the past couple she won't answer her phone about 80% of the time and I haven't seen her for over a month and a half. In fact, I don't even know where she lives since she's moved... .

Anyway, the lack of communication is what I can't stand for being so far away. Well, along with cheating, lying, manipulation... . (It's an eye opener to type it all out) J wouldn't answer my calls one night and she told me her roommate/rebound had been drinking, was ''trying to touch her'', and the roommate punched J in the face. I got mad at the fact that my J must have been lying about the relationship between her and the roommate because it wouldn't make sense for her to get into a fight with her ''friend''.

J later told me her rebound/roommate took a lot of pills and J found her unconscious and the roommate/rebound was admitted to a mental hospital. J told me she couldn't come see me because she had to take care of roommate/rebound's dog. That made me feel great.

So the last thing that happened was Wednesday I was going to sleep (I have to wake up early for work) and asked her to call me anyway to tell me she made it home. She said she would. She never called and I couldn't sleep well. The next day I sent her text messages explaining that I was done... . I had warned her at least 10 times before that I needed her to communicate better and follow through with her word. I blocked her number and e-mail. (I've done this before and she's contacted me through her e-mail and sent texts to my phone somehow) As messed up as it is, I expected an apology like that. I didn't get it and Thursday goes by. I unblock her and start calling her and texting her, no answer. Then I freak myself out thinking maybe she didn't make it home. I call and text her mom, no reply. I call J again and she starts rejecting my calls. So I tell her mom I'm sorry for bothering her and it's clear she's with her roommate. I wish her well on her upcoming wedding and apologize for getting her involved. (I've had to get her mom involved before because of suicide threats.) I haven't heard from J still and I was thinking about unblocking her e-mail. I actually did then immediately reblocked it when thinking about how she treated me. Then I came here.

I keep thinking she's going to get better with therapy but she's told me before she's very attached to her therapist, doesn't tell her about our fights, and is scared her therapist will stop seeing her. I don't think it's helping, I think she's just formed an unhealthy attachment.

I think because he roommate/rebound/probably girlfriend now is going crazy, that it's exciting to her. Plus the fact that she's being physically assaulted, I think she really likes it. I never put my hands on her and walked away when she hit me. I'm so hurt. I tried so hard to fix this, to get her to love me.

My question is, why did she stop communicating when she wanted me back so badly?

She did the same things that drove me away. And physically I feel awful... . I'm having major stomach problems, headaches, I'm just sad and lifeless. I've ordered books off amazon about breaking up with a borderline, and a David Burn's book.

How do you get over the fact that your borderline ex was so attractive? I know I can get other women, but she really was everything I wanted (minus the disorder).

What can I do to feel better and finally stay away? I'm scared if she contacts me, she'll suck me back in.

I hope you can make sense out of this story. Thanks for reading.

[fromheeltoheal]

I read your whole post, and the thing that jumped out was confusion and conflicted thoughts.  Very normal.  I was there too, and what I did was found a list of traits of healthy relationships on this site or elsewhere, and went through it to see how I did with my BPD ex.  We failed miserably, every single trait.  And then I made a list of all the lies, manipulations, rages, abuse, bullsht that went on.  Intellectually there was no question: get the hell out.  But then there's the heart, and if you listen to it at a time like this you will end up where you are right now.  So what you need to do is obvious, and how you do it is put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  And it sounds like you need to remove her from you life entirely while you heal.  You know this.  And it can't be about other women right now, it has to be about you for a while, you'll know how long.

I tried so hard to fix this, to get her to love me.

I know you know this is impossible.

My question is, why did she stop communicating when she wanted me back so badly?

If she is indeed BPD, the push/pull is happening, sometimes minute to minute.  Crazymaking.

Typing here is a good step, keep doing that, and start envisioning a future without her, so you can create it.

[Surnia]

Hi thelword

and 

So sorry to hear about your very difficult relationship! 

It is difficult to deal with it, more difficult to understand... .

Many of us found us in similar things. We set boundaries, we give in, we set boundaries again. Good you found us. We can support you through it.

Yes, she wants you badly and on the other side she is lacking interpersonal skills... .

Perhaps this article can offer some persepective: Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Take care and stay tuned, thelword.