A Hard Day

[flowergnome]

My uBPDbf didn't fully move out yet, but he is going to, and he left yesterday to go on a long trip to another state.  He might move there to be near his son.  As I mentioned in my other posts, I want him to move out and I know it's the best thing since our relationship was extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy.  Today, however, was much harder than expected and I felt super depressed and blah.  I was also thinking about some of the cute things he does and half-hoping he would call me. 

After working out I feel a bit better, but it has been awhile since I've been single and much longer since I've been happily single!  I'm just going to try to focus on eating super healthy, working out and doing things I enjoy.  Being home alone is the hardest since we used to keep each other company a lot and I got used to just having him around, even if we weren't talking or interacting. 

It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this... .    

[Octoberfest]

I think it is times like this where it is clearest (at least for me), that our greatest adversary in dealing with the pwBPD in our lives is not them, but ourselves.  It is US who make the decisions about staying or going; how much effort we put in; how much abuse we tolerate.  You are fighting, just like I do, just like many people here do, the battle between your wants and your reality.  We WANT that good part of our pwBPD.  We WANT the part that made us feel so good, that made us love them so.  Our REALITY is that we cannot have that part without its foil, and more often than not, heartbreakingly, it isn't a tradeoff worth making.

It is natural to remember the good times.  And it is natural to want them back.  God knows I do.  But you have to ask yourself; is the CHANCE of having more of those good times worth the GUARANTEE of the abuse that you know your BPDex is capable of?

There is nothing easy about this.  I still have random moments where I want to (and do) cry about it.  It is has been the most challenging thing I have ever had to work through, and I am not over it by a longshot.


Best wishes.

[Tired68]

Wow I so relate to both posts, I am going through a breakup , married just a year ago but together for 7 she now wants to move back by her son and told me He don't love me anymore. I feel so alone. Afraid and abandoned.

[flowergnome]

Thank you Octoberfest.  I don't know why I wasn't expecting it to be this hard.  When he was still living here my favorite times were when he was out of town.  Now he's only been gone 3 days and I feel like crap.  I better re-read the list of all the terrible things he says and does.  It's just hard.  Also my cat is sick.  *cry*  I feel like I have no one to really talk to about this either, people know I'm breaking up but no one knows about the BPD or the extent of the unhealthiness in the relationship.  I have to go to faculty meetings all this week for my job (before summer break starts) and I feel emotionally shut down and drained.  Thought about calling him.  Thought about asking him to come back (not seriously, but I thought about it.)  I'm going to stick to my plan but this is really hard.