How to beat the panic: going to see him after 3 months of NC?

[Jonie]

The last time I saw my pwPBD was 3 months ago, when I left his house with an argument. He has been silencing me to death all these months (week, days, hours!). I sent him 1 or 2 texts a week all this time, mostly some neutral things, just to keep the lines of communication open, sometimes a cry from the heart that I miss him desperately. I did get some messages, but none that shows how he feels about us. I believe that he still loves me, well, in the first months at least, but that he is too wrapped up in shame, guilt, fears and fatalism to have me in his life right now. Even to answer me. On the two occasions we ran into each other, it was clear that he still had strong feelings for me. But we haven't seen each other now for a really very long time, so I'm very afraid he has gotten used to being alone.

This weekend I texted him that I will come over on Friday and that I hoped he would open his door and heart for me - and he hasn't vetoed that one yet! (Actually, no reaction at all... . )

Well, you all know the depths, despairs and emotional turmoil that go along with this kind of stuff - and I have been dealing with that for 3 months now, I'm pretty exhausted!

Tonight I couldn't sleep at all, all kinds of scenario's were running through my mind: showing up on his doorstep all panic stricken only to find the door closed... . Looking through the window and seeing him with someone else... . and me smashing that window (that's what happens with your thoughts in the middle of the night - I'm not that kind of person  )

Him letting me in, but being all awkward and distant, and me not being able to reach him, driving me crazy... . Will I end up shouting and screaming at him? Will I burst out crying on the floor? Will I say nothing and just leave?... .

Him being all normal as if nothing happened, we go shopping, having dinner, watching tv, going to sleep... . Could I really do that after all this?

I guess I have so many conflicting emotions, I don't know which ones will turn up if we do meet... .

Well, just sharing this with you. I'll know what to do when I get there (probably  ) I do want some clarity in all this, I need to know if we're still together or not. And I know I do want to be with him.

It just these days and nights waiting for that moment... .    I had to take the day off from work today, just can't function.

Thanks for listening

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[patientandclear]

Good luck -- this is sort of my fantasy of what I didn't do in my r/s and I've always wondered if it might have "worked."  Seems like it might set you up for a lot of resentment on his part long term, where you are the one who reclaimed the r/s, and he just sat there passively, and now he has no ownership stake in it really.  But.  I hope it works out differently from that.

[Jonie]

You're right, Patientandclear - he doesn't take any responsibility for this relationship at all - not in a way that is noticeable for me in any case. I need to find out if he's not capable of taking care of our r/s right now (his life is a big mess and he has a severe depression), or that he is not willing to. If it's the first, it's ok that I keep our boat going. In earlier days he admitted this wasn't his forte and that he was happy we could rely on me. I'm pretty strong and stable (ok, not at the moment). On the other hand, I could also rely on him: if I'm in a negative mood, I tend to stay in that too long, and his charms and surprises works wonders to get me back into a positive mood again. If he is not willing to be with me, than things will end, of course.

Until I know what's going on, I want to be sure that I have done everything I could have done to get us through.

So there is a plan in all this... . I just need to be able to work it out and stick to it... .  

Feeling much better now, having taken care of myself today