Need some SET advice... or communication advice in general.

[4n0n]

My uBPD fiance is pretty dysregulated right now.

back story:

she had a breast reduction about 9 months ago. it was painful and scary. she took 4 days off work and then got back to it (i personally hoped she would take more... . but i can't and didn't force her).

she didn't heal up 100% and just found out that she will go back for a minor surgery in a few days.

the issue is:

I was invited to a concert over a month ago that she has no interest in going to. i decided i would go.

she doesn't like the person i'm going with.

it is usually an issue whenever i go out with friends or family. i've been accused of cheating, or planning to cheat. being sneaky. everything.

i knew that there would be issues with my going to this concert, but one of my boundaries is that i will go out with friends. she is always invited. but i won't change my plans for her just because this makes her uncomfortable. i've never put her in a position not to trust me. 

so, the concert happens to be 5 days after her surgery. she asked me what my plans were, and i told her i would like to discuss this with her... . hence her dysregulation.

i've been trying to tell her that, she needs me there, i will be there, but if not, i will go to the concert.

my view is: she's taking 2 days off work, 1 day for surgery, the next for recovery. she only asked me to take the one off (which i did before she asked, because i care).

this tells me, she thinks she'll be ok to look after herself in 1 day, and be (as back to normal as you can be after surgery) able to work the next... .

so, 5 days down the road, i should be able to go to the show.

her view: i haven't made her a priority... .

she is now telling me she "doesn't need me now or ever"... . and i've stopped talking to her because i'm getting foggy... .

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[Chosen]

Hi 4n0n,

This situation is tricky.  First, because you actually do care and have asked her (but she may not have revealed her emotions/ wants to you), and second, because it's with somebody she doesn't like.

I'm going to try with the validation but I have to tell you I'm not very good at it, even though I have been in so many of these similar situations myself. 

Her feelings: She feels neglected, that you are not putting her first. 

The way to validate: Do not talk about concert first.  Tell her you think she is important and want to be there for her.  Also tell her you want to be with her if she wants that too.  Ask whether (on day of concert) she wants you to be with her. 

If you are going to the concert anyway, then maybe volunteer to stay with her in the morning until you leave for the concert.  If you're flexible about going or not, if she says she wants you to stay, then stay with her.

But then, I know things are not always that simple... . do you think if you ask her she would actually give you "yes" or "no" answers?

[Wrongturn1]

Interesting situation…I have some ideas. 

First, a question: is your concert friend a female?  (Actually I don’t think you said whether you were male or female, although you write like a man…but no offense intended if you’re not.  Since your fiancé is female, what I am about to say applies if you are in a male/female or female/female relationship.)  If your concert friend is a female, it’s probably time to think about whether it is appropriate for you go out with a female companion when your fiancé is not present.  Even for couples where both people are mentally healthy, at the stage of the relationship where you are engaged to be married, many people decide to stop doing this sort of thing to prevent the potential for any temptations or to prevent any appearance of infidelity.  Just some food for thought about what might be considered reasonable.

Assuming the concert friend is not a member of the gender you prefer, I would encourage you to absolutely go to the concert, regardless of any drama your fiancé attempts to create the day of the event.  If she will be back at work by that time, she has no reason to need you there to attend to her that night.  A BPD significant other will typically make all kinds of attempts to isolate you from your friends and family to maximize the power they have over you, so if you decide to stay in the relationship, you owe it to yourself not to let this happen.  You have a right to have friends and a life outside of your relationship.

Caveat: If your fiancé ends up having legitimate surgical complications, it would probably be a good idea to skip the concert and take care of her.  Legitimate surgical complications might include, but would not be limited to, redness/heat/inflammation in the area of the surgery, bleeding, excessive or foul-smelling discharge from incision sites, or running a fever.  If she reports pain or other non-verifiable symptoms, you’ll just have to decide for yourself whether or not it’s legitimate and act accordingly.  If it was me and she was moaning about the pain but not presenting anything verifiable as I was getting ready to leave for the concert, I myself would probably choose to say something like “it must be awful to be in that kind of pain, I’ll come straight home to you after the concert is over in a few hours, here’s some pain reliever and a bottle of water – love ya, bye.”  Don’t let her steal your life.  Hope this doesn’t come across as cold…just trying to pass along some lessons I’ve learned from making the wrong decisions in the past.

[4n0n]

thanks for responding Chosen and Wrongturn,

I'm actually female, and I don't identify as gay or straight. Which means all friends, male or female, are always a problem. The friend i wanted to go to the concert with is male.

I kindof failed. I didn't go. and i'm kicking myself for not sticking to my guns.

she didn't physically need me there. she felt that she 'wasn't ready' for me to go.

the argument lasted for 6 hours, and ended with her asking what she would need to say or do to get me to stay. i told her i never wanted to have this conversation again. and that she would have to figure out how to deal with her emotions. then we spent the rest of the night at the local center for addiction and mental health.

this was 5 days ago.

now she's mad at me because she found out i am reading 'stop walking on eggshells'... .

this is a bad month.

thanks again

[briefcase]

This incident can have a lot of value if you learn from it. Wrongturn1 spoke from a place of hard experience.  You could fill an entire topic here just listing all the concerts, family events, special occassions, holidays, parties, lunches with friends, vacations, business opportunities, etc. that the members here have passed up over the years trying to appease their partners with BPD.  In the end, sacrificing these things will hurt you and not help her or the relationship. You need to be a leader in this relationship.   

[Wrongturn1]

I kindof failed. I didn't go. and i'm kicking myself for not sticking to my guns.

Well, no need to beat yourself up about your decision.  I certainly failed to stick to my guns many, many times before I finally learned from it and started to make healthier decisions for myself. 

[Chosen]

4n0n, you didn't fail.  You gained some experience so you know how to handle it better next time.

I know it's hard to think of it that way, and if it were me I'd probably feel like I failed too.

But don't be too hard on yourself- most of the time we're already in these "doomed either way" situation, so no outcome will be perfect; we just try to do the best we can.

I'm pretty bad at validation myself, and to be honest, a lot of what my H says are very hard to validate... .