I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. It sounds awful.
It sounds like you've dedicated a huge amount of time and energy to helping your mom feel better. I think all of us children of BPDs do this. It's so sad to see someone in so much pain, and would be even for a stranger, much less for a parent who we love and want to love us. Unfortunately no amount of effort on our part will fix what is a serious disorder that they have to invest time and energy of their own to recover from, to whatever extent is possible for them. No matter what you do or don't do, your mother is going to feel more or less the same way, unless and until SHE decides (and resist the temptation to try to convince her, she has to see it for herself) she wants to live her life differently. BPDs are terrified to take responsibility for their feelings, so they put it on whoever is nearby. As an only child, that must have been a huge burden. Take solace in the fact that her behavior really ISN'T your fault, and no amount of trying on your part is going to change how she feels. If your efforts were going to work, wouldn't you have seen progress by now? The only one you can heal and protect is yourself. It sounds like you are taking steps in that direction, which is fantastic. It's so hard at first, but eventually that effort to detach yourself from the impossible goal of changing someone else's behavior and feelings is going to pay off like you wouldn't believe.
I'm sure you'll find a lot of understanding here.
