Thinking through some things

[Our abuse recovery guide]

SO DH and I have decided to Start trying for #3, both of our other children were conceived pretty quickly, we conceived DD our 3rd month trying and DS was a total Surprise so I am thinking that it will happen relatively easy.  At the moment I am coming up against all these thoughts, mostly how will I tell uBPD mom when we finally do conceive.  She was in the room for the first 2 births, and given that she has not spoken to me in about 3 months, and that our relationship is vastly different this time around she will not be attending the birth.  In Fact we have decided to ask my MIL and SIL if they would like to be there, we have decided to ask H' sister to be the Godmother of our 3rd, when and if it happens. 

I guess I am just looking for anyone who experienced a similar situation, my biggest debate at this moment is when to tell uBPD mom when we finally do get pregnant, my Hubby says she should find out when we announce on Facebook like every one else, but I also feel like I can't be that person.  But then I run into well she isn't talking to me so why should she get some special treatment when she treats me like Sh@t.  Feeling very frustrated at the moment, because I am really enjoying entering this phase of our lives and adding to our family, but I hate that once again I have to plan because of uBPD mom.

[donniesgrrl]

SO DH and I have decided to Start trying for #3, both of our other children were conceived pretty quickly, we conceived DD our 3rd month trying and DS was a total Surprise so I am thinking that it will happen relatively easy.  At the moment I am coming up against all these thoughts, mostly how will I tell uBPD mom when we finally do conceive.  She was in the room for the first 2 births, and given that she has not spoken to me in about 3 months, and that our relationship is vastly different this time around she will not be attending the birth.  In Fact we have decided to ask my MIL and SIL if they would like to be there, we have decided to ask H' sister to be the Godmother of our 3rd, when and if it happens. 

I guess I am just looking for anyone who experienced a similar situation, my biggest debate at this moment is when to tell uBPD mom when we finally do get pregnant, my Hubby says she should find out when we announce on Facebook like every one else, but I also feel like I can't be that person.  But then I run into well she isn't talking to me so why should she get some special treatment when she treats me like Sh@t.  Feeling very frustrated at the moment, because I am really enjoying entering this phase of our lives and adding to our family, but I hate that once again I have to plan because of uBPD mom.

[GeekyGirl]

There's no right or wrong way to break the news, so whatever feels right to you is the best way to tell your mom. How would you tell your mother if you don't feel that Facebook is the right way? Do you think your DH will support you if you choose to tell your mother directly?

It sounds like you have a good plan.  You have every right to choose who will be in the delivery room with you, and I think it's very wise of you to decide what kinds of limits you want to have with your mother once #3 arrives.

Good luck! 

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Donniesgirl,

Wow, we are in the exact same situation, except we are trying for our first. Isnt it just a really S*** spot to be in! Like, were damned if we do and damned if we dont. Id love to be able to tell my mum were trying, have someone to talk to about it, and plan and share, but i cant. I cant bring my self to talk to her at all. She always says shes "doesnt want to be a grandmother so we better not be thinking of having kids", and it turns into a fight.

I have no idea how or when we will tell her. I can already see how it will go and im dreading it. Isnt that so sad. It should be a happy and lovely occasion, but i know for me it will be world war 3. We are barely talking after the last rage episode. A few texts and facebook chats, but thats it. My therapist says she is punishing me by not calling me and only interacting in a stunted level, yes, no, hello, busy etc. I am actually too scared to call her, even to say hi. I just dont know what i will get! It could be screaming and abuse for "neglecting her", it could be short cold sentences (she does this i think to let me know that shes annoyed i think, to try to make me appease her); it most likely will not be loving or happy or even just normal.

When I got engaged, she was working remotely and had no phone service, sometimes for weeks until she went back into a town. We called her and left a message. But still, she blew up that we should have waited to tell others until she found out (ie was back in phone service) and how unfair it was that she was the last to know and so on. While now she lives in a city (thankfully on the other side of the country) if she isnt the absolute first person to know, look out.

I, like you, just dont know what the eff to do! Its so unfair that we even have to think about this! A few people on here have said to wait as long as possible, also to mitigate the stress in that precious early stage, but again, how can you keep it from just uBPD mum? We are barely talking so i dont know how to even plan my interaction with her to lead up to the contact to a point where a phone call announcing im pregnant wouldnt be out of the blue, know what i mean? Like, hey, we havnt spoken for a year but guess what im pregnant"! In my heart, like a lot of us, i miss my "mum" and i want to call her, and have her love me, and enjoy this journey with me but im too heartbroken to even try right now, it would be more than i could handle if it went badly.

The only thing i can think of is to approach this with the same mindfulness and boundaries as other situations. I have no expectations of my mother, and her reaction. Unlike yours, I doubt she will even come for the future birth, like our engagement party, hens and the wedding prep (she came to the wedding, but ruined it).

A part of me, im not sure if it the dumb part, the romantic part (or the rebel inside me that refuses to be beat down!) is tempted to tell her of our plans and see what happens (also to get it over with- the suspense of these reactions is just as bad in itself)

Good Luck Donniesgrrl, all the best with the trying and with your mother. Stay in touch, we are all supporting you! x