Thoughts about Detaching: Need Advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I spent a great deal of time on the Detaching L3 board but i think i am moving to here.

Quick Background my BPDex and I broke up for what I thought and was hoping to be the last time back at the beg. of March.  Anyways, I was leaving for a trip to Europe a few weeks ago and we started to talk again, hung out a few times, when to dinner, she acted very lovey no sexual stuff.  While i was on the trip she went back and forth btwn being jealous and lovey.  Then when I returned we started hanging out again just hanging out nothing sexual trying to take it slow.  Anyways, she seems to have flipped and came at me with "i dont feel the same thing for you anymore"

So to sum it up we ahve decided to be "friends"  still hang out and talk and do things just with little expectations in terms of relationship.

I am hoping that this friendship period may allow her to begin to trust again and feel normal. She has also started to recognize that her feelings might not be rational.

Thoughts on this is this friendship route the way to go to try and smooth over all of our old issues?

[trampledfoot]

I spent a great deal of time on the Detaching L3 board but i think i am moving to here.

Quick Background my BPDex and I broke up for what I thought and was hoping to be the last time back at the beg. of March.  Anyways, I was leaving for a trip to Europe a few weeks ago and we started to talk again, hung out a few times, when to dinner, she acted very lovey no sexual stuff.  While i was on the trip she went back and forth btwn being jealous and lovey.  Then when I returned we started hanging out again just hanging out nothing sexual trying to take it slow.  Anyways, she seems to have flipped and came at me with "i dont feel the same thing for you anymore"

So to sum it up we ahve decided to be "friends"  still hang out and talk and do things just with little expectations in terms of relationship.

I am hoping that this friendship period may allow her to begin to trust again and feel normal. She has also started to recognize that her feelings might not be rational.

Thoughts on this is this friendship route the way to go to try and smooth over all of our old issues?

[Rose Tiger]

Do you mean as a pathway to be 'together'?  It is unlikely that she will be attracted to you in the future.  History on the board is they like us for friendships, one sided, all about them friendships but intimacy leads directly to push/pull recycling behavior.  No getting around it. 

[bruceli]

Do you mean as a pathway to be 'together'?  It is unlikely that she will be attracted to you in the future.  History on the board is they like us for friendships, one sided, all about them friendships but intimacy leads directly to push/pull recycling behavior.  No getting around it. 

Agreed, once a BPD puts you in the friend zone you are forever there and yes it is very one sided... . Heck, even in a romantic relationship it is very one sided.  NPDw got a ring for her birthday last year... . I got... . wait... . she forgot when my birthday was... .

[danley]

Detaching can be hard. I'm still struggling with it but doing better. After the breakup it was like in an instant that my ex appeared to be detached and it very well was his intent. I mentioned before that one of his comments to me after breaking up was that we shouldn't have gotten so emotionally attached. I don't know if the intimacy was overwhelming for him, if he felt engulfment, or if he meant it would have been easier to break away?

I tried to detach but my feelings for him was still strong and I still felt shocked that he straight broke up with me out of the blue. The first two months contact with him was like being in contact with two different men. He was hot and cold. I was confused as he was acting confusing. But by the third month I just couldn't take the mood swings especially since we weren't an item anymore and I began to think WHY the heck am I putting up with this crap. So I stopped texting him and it's been one month. This was a huge step towards my detaching from him as he always expected me to send little texts here and there to wish him well or to start his day off with a smile.

I still have to see him at work and this is where it's hard. I need to be able to focus at work. I can't have his drama interfere. He wanted to be friends and I agreed at first because my feelings for him were strong. But after his displays of anger and bitterness, I began to seek cordiality first instead.

I don't want to be stuck in the friend zone but my mental health is important too.

[Rose Tiger]

I don't think they feel the same way as nons during the idealization phase either.  Throw in the short term emotional memory and it's like 50 first dates movie.  It is painful to the partner to be told, "I never cared for you that way" when that is certainly the intent they showed in the beginning.  It's quite the blow to the ego but this is how they treat all their partners, it isn't personal, although it sure feels that way!

Nothing wrong with friendships, if you can handle the one sided aspect of it without taking it personally.  That can be rough for a non that still remembers how much they cared for the pwBPD.  It can be detrimental to healing from being so cruelly discarded.

We can almost be our own worst enemies by breaking NC.  Like we need to take out a restraining order against ourselves.    Sometimes it can be emotionally abusive to ourselves to stay in contact.

[bruceli]

I don't think they feel the same way as nons during the idealization phase either.  Throw in the short term emotional memory and it's like 50 first dates movie.   It is painful to the partner to be told, "I never cared for you that way" when that is certainly the intent they showed in the beginning.  It's quite the blow to the ego but this is how they treat all their partners, it isn't personal, although it sure feels that way!

Nothing wrong with friendships, if you can handle the one sided aspect of it without taking it personally.  That can be rough for a non that still remembers how much they cared for the pwBPD.  It can be detrimental to healing from being so cruelly discarded.

We can almost be our own worst enemies by breaking NC.  Like we need to take out a restraining order against ourselves.    Sometimes it can be emotionally abusive to ourselves to stay in contact.

EXCELLENT analogy... . I will be using this one... .

[trampledfoot]

ROSE TIGER that was my intent that it would be a pathway to a relationship.  I think I am just struggling with what you put quite bluntly it will never be more than a one sided friendship moving forward. I am black and the only time I might think I am not black is when I am doing things for her.

[KellyO]

ROSE TIGER that was my intent that it would be a pathway to a relationship.  I think I am just struggling with what you put quite bluntly it will never be more than a one sided friendship moving forward. I am black and the only time I might think I am not black is when I am doing things for her.

Been there, done that. It gave me more pain and misery, but it made me grow too. I was always honest about my intentions to him. It all endend up me feeling even more used, worthless and low. And angry. Mostly I felt being worthless. For him it was jubilee of course: he had all cards in his hands and me were he wanted me to be... . in distance but available when he needed someone.

And that is the trick there: you have to be available, but not too close. I almost accepted that. When my growing got to the point where I begin to be really independent person, I could not accept it anymore. This "friendship"-stuff is their favorite, and what my ex really wants is a mommy. Think how mommy is: always available and never asks for anything. Always there for you. This is what is waiting for you in that so-called friendship. She will not give you anything. She takes what you give, and does not give anything back.

[nomoremommyfood]

SO timely that I'm reading this, too! I get the "we'll break up and just be good friends" card off from my bf on a near-daily basis but didn't know it was a "thing." And I've actually been considering taking him up on his offer for the exact same reasons Trampled Foot cited.

I thought it was a tactic to avoid the intimacy and commitment of a relationship without being abandoned. But have negated that with "why would I want to be friends with someone who would dump me like this?"

While I won't advocate this bad behavior, I will note that I've been in the "friend zone" and did end up getting back together, though years later. Aside from sometimes dates with other people (which I had to hide), it was exactly like being in a relationship with my "girlfriend" or "non-girlfriend" status being determined by whatever point he was trying to argue.