Father and Sister with BPD

[Whale Songs]

It's hard for me to begin this post, as I am the youngest child of a BPD father, my older sister also having BPD.  My father's mother was completely emotionally gone and neglecting; he WAS abandoned by his mother, even though they lived in the same house.  

My mother is not BPD; we have been each other's saviours over the years and are very close.  However, her mother has BPD and comes from a long line of emotional pain.  The dynamic, as I'm sure you know, is very complicated.  As children, I remember my sister and I being very sensitive to other people's "vibes", she always more so than I (well, she was more vocal about it anyway).  

I'm told that, as a baby, I would cry when my father came home from work - an example of how negative his presence is.  As a child, I knew that there was no real love b/t my parents, and I always wished that my mother would take my sister and I and the three of us would just run away and be happy together.  I was an observer, and I played by myself or read a lot during my childhood; my sister, who is BPD, was more needy and was always around either my mom or my dad.  Any parent knows it's not easy to have a child who exhibits symptoms of this as early as 4 (she also had early onset acne in grade 3); it takes two parents to parent any child, let alone one with BPD.  So my mom would, understandably, ask my dad to do stuff with her.  

In her adolescence, around 12, she started acting classes and my dad would drive her to those.  Well, on those drives... . he basically used her as a therapist.  Marriage issues, family issues, money issues, you name it.  He took his unconscious mother issues and projected them onto his wife, and told my sister that her own mother was controlling and some mean and nasty bhit, which wasn't the case at all.  Then, when her and my mother would argue about whatever (it was probably my mom telling her to clean up her dishes or something, basic boundary setting mom stuff), he would go in afterwards and justify it, saying things like "oh I know, she's just a controlling blah blah blah insert terrible insult". He basically poisoned her mind and created her to be this negative person just as he was who sees the world and all it's inhabitants through a fear-based lens.  

And he completely messed up any semblance of boundaries she might've had; his attention seeking behaviour really did push physical boundaries, all b/c he had no concept of mental, emotional, or personal identity boundaries himself.  He mostly treated me and my sister like an extension of himself, which was also the mentality my sister took on.  I've actually heard the words from her mouth "Why does it matter?  We're from the same family; we're basically the same person."  And then I go into identity-crisis spiral.  It's like they make you second-guess who you are.  Which is where I struggle, because at once he was raised the exact same way, so I can have some sympathy; but then I get frustrated because he lacks the insight to stop the cycle of violence.  

Right now, I have very few and superficial conversations on the phone with him (I live 5 hours away going to school, which he pays for and resents every cent, and never visit home).  My mom and I live together, and my sister, who had been living with my dad and her ex bf, moved in with us a couple of months ago.  

She is the unhealthiest she has ever been.  When she got here, she was a bone rack (she was afraid to use the kitchen at dad's and ate only take out, when she ate at all), she lived in filth and disgust at my dad's and she brought most of it with her, she is now vile and abusive and threatens to kill herself almost every other day; to be brutally honest, we struggle with letting her b/c we wonder if she will ever get healthy enough to be able to even cope, let alone be at peace or contented.  She self harms; when we discuss things, she gets so over-reactive that she digs at her skin, pulling on jewellry so tight that it makes bruises, she cuts herself.  Her mantra is "I'm a piece of ".  

When I was 19 (now 22) I got away from my father and his suffering.  And that's what it is, which makes it hard, because I know that he is suffering so much b/c of this thing, more than I could ever know, but I must draw a line with negativity.  Getting away from him enabled me to learn the self-respect I need and should have in this life.  

And now this negativity back in my once peaceful home, and i can feel myself slipping slowly back into anxiety; when I leave the house with her alone in it, I'm afraid as to what I may find when I return.  I hope that she can be well, but she is so resistant to change; she wants to go about it holistically and through alternative healing modalities and homeopathic medicines, which is fine, I totally support that, but she does not want to do any talk therapy with any counsellor; she's seen 3 in her life, all of whom she manipulated, and so she thinks they're ALL stupid and have nothing to offer.  The only talking she'll do is with my mom and I, and we are too close to the situation, don't have the knowledge, and frankly we are just too damn exhausted to do her any real good, outside of providing a comfortable living environment and a soft place to fall.  But how do you be a soft place when anger and negativity is constantly being spewed in your direction?  This whole illness is just one big vicious cycle; how does one ever get out of it?

[Grey Kitty]

  Whale Songs,

I'm sorry to hear about all the strife and conflict in your family and your household too now. But I'm glad you are here, where you will find support and guidance on how to better cope with it.

Am I correct in saying that you aren't worrying about problems with your father right now? You sound at peace with limited contact.

Has either your sister or your father been formally diagnosed with BPD?

Since your mom is in just about the same stew you are in, does she already have an awareness of BPD and that both of them have BPD?

Also, is your sister currently in much contact with her dad? I'm sure that would be an destabilizing influence to say the least.

I'm not sure I completely understand your situation... . is moving out of the house to get some distance from your sister a viable option for you?

I recommend this video as a really helpful intro on what to do to improve life with your sister.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Self-injury and suicide threats are both really tough to deal with. We have topics to help you better understand both of them and what you can do:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Self injury and self harm

Hang in there--it is possible to make your life better even with a chaotic family member living in the house.

 GK

[Whale Songs]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Yes, I am at peace with mine and my father's relationship.  My sister has had no contact with him since she moved here 2 months ago, and she probably won't have much contact with him which is for the best.  Neither of them have been diagnosed; my sister has seen only one therapist for any significant amount of time, and it was largely ineffective.  We only started putting the pieces together and realizing that this is my father as well when we started researching the illness more.  I'm not sure yet whether I want to broach the subject with him.

This is not the first time it has been spoken of in my family, but it has resurfaced now.  My mom is aware of everything, her and I discuss a lot which really helps.  She was the one who initiated the first research into the possibility of my sister being BPD.  

I moved far away from home, and then my mom came to my town so we could live together while I went to university (she divorced my dad 3 years ago).  Then, 2 months ago, b/c she couldn't take living with my father, my sister moved here into the house my mom and I are renting.  My name is on the lease, so I can't move.  But she does work full time, and I do have a job as well.  At this point, my mom and I simply want her to get healthy enough that she can live on her own.  

I have been reading and watching videos with my mother, I will look at the resources you've provided as well.  I work at and have a library close to me as well, so I do have availability to resources.  Thank you for taking the time to read my troubles and reply.  

[Grey Kitty]

Whale Songs, I'm glad you are at (relative) peace with your father, as you have enough on your plate with your sister!

I'm also very glad that your mom is aware and is able to support you.

 GK