Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 19, 2021, 12:10:19 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: first he unblocked me on Facebook, then on whatsapp. I'm in a mess  (Read 10915 times)
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« on: June 14, 2013, 07:05:21 AM »

As I wrote in another post, suddenly he unblocked me on Facebook, after three months. Then, two days after, he unblocked me also on Whatsapp. Nothing more. Now I'm going crazy (expectations... . ), because I'm wondering what he is going to do, what he wants and so on and I'm also very angry because in this way I feel manipulated by him. I know that I'm the one who is giving him all this power, but he knew perfectly what my reaction would have been... . Moreover, my best friend in his hometown went to the birthday party of the exGF he cheated on me with (and recycled) and told me that he spent a lot of time with another girl (one he got to know when he took his second degree at university and made very good friend to the recycled ex at Christmas), hand in hand, staying with his exGF only when the other one was around. Triangulating (read definition), I think. So I don't know if he is trying to convince her (the recycled one) that with the other girl they are only good friends, as he was trying to do with me about her, or if she accepts the situation, as she was supposed to be accepting to share him with me. Then, there is his unblocking me... . Well, I'm going crazy, literally... .
Logged
Nearlybroken
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174


« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2013, 07:41:31 AM »

I do feel for you Billa... . it's all so,well,hard to comprehend.My ex spent many hours telling me how awful his wife was... . violent,abusive,spent his money,cheated etc.Imagine my pain when,whilst he was still with me,they became "friendly" again... . spending time with each other.I suspect that he was attempting to reunite with her as he asked his parents if she could visit their house.They refused as they cannot stand her.We went through a bad patch then we became friendly again... . he made such a fuss of me on my birthday... . presents,flowers etc.Then I did something that he didn't agree with ( I think I may have argued with him) and he told me that I had ruined our relationship.I should add that I asked him if he was getting back together with his wife.response "If I do you will be the first one to know".I feel very much like he deflected all of his anger in respect of his marriage breakdown on me whilst at the same time refusing to cut ties with his wife.It's crazy... . i feel like I am picked up and thrown aside whenever he likes.I have no control anymore,like I am in a sick dysfunctional game that messes with my sanity... . he really has ruined me.Sending you a hug
Logged
Rose Tiger
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2075



« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2013, 08:23:15 AM »

Luckily you have the power to say where this relationship goes.  They don't have healthy relationship skills so if you ignore him, it will likely stop right there.

Look at the other posts on the site, they make contact with texting "hi".  They put all the relationship work on the partner to do.  If you do nothing, it starts fizzling right there.  You don't need to freak that they are up to something or feel like here we go again.  You gots lots of power over the direction it heads. 
Logged
MarcinN7
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 55


« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2013, 09:26:04 AM »

You can always take this opportunity to find your inner power and express it.

Block him Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This can be a nice step in your recovery, by taking things in your own hands and not leaving it to chance if he makes contact or not.

It certainly helped me. When i blocked my exBPD/AvPDgf on facebook i started to feel secure in this environment. I didn't fear that her photo/profile or something will popup in some event or maybe even a friend request or message.
Logged
slimmiller
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 423



« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2013, 10:21:04 AM »

Block him! 

BPDs want space in your thoughts. It does not matter if its positive or negative or how much pain it costs YOU. Its about THEM and their fellings and only that. If they are nice to us in any way shape or form it is because somewhere along the way in their development and growing up (or lack of) they learned that being nice is a way to solicit nons doings something for them in return. Its a way to manipulate, not that they do this consciously but its just the way they are programmed.

Block him and look out for you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  In a month you will be happy you did. If you dont, more then likely you will still be spinning your wheels then
Logged
Octoberfest
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2013, 10:45:29 AM »

As I wrote in another post, suddenly he unblocked me on Facebook, after three months. Then, two days after, he unblocked me also on Whatsapp. Nothing more. Now I'm going crazy (expectations... . ), because I'm wondering what he is going to do, what he wants and so on and I'm also very angry because in this way I feel manipulated by him. I know that I'm the one who is giving him all this power, but he knew perfectly what my reaction would have been... . Moreover, my best friend in his hometown went to the birthday party of the exGF he cheated on me with (and recycled) and told me that he spent a lot of time with another girl (one he got to know when he took his second degree at university and made very good friend to the recycled ex at Christmas), hand in hand, staying with his exGF only when the other one was around. Triangulating (read definition), I think. So I don't know if he is trying to convince her (the recycled one) that with the other girl they are only good friends, as he was trying to do with me about her, or if she accepts the situation, as she was supposed to be accepting to share him with me. Then, there is his unblocking me... . Well, I'm going crazy, literally... .

Hi Billa,

Take a second and reread that paragraph that you just wrote.  And think hard about all of the information... . there is a trend to be seen in it.

It sounds like your BPDex is running around making a lot of promises to a lot of different people; promises that he should only be making to ONE person at a time.  My BPDex did the exact same thing... . They sometimes get involved with more than, or in some cases, several people at once.

Situations like this KILL us as NON's.  We take it very personally and as a sign of failure on our part, that we were not good enough.  But they also stand as evidence to something that we MUST, for our own sanity, acknowledge. When we see our BPDex's running around juggling people and relationships like this, and especially as they continue to do it AFTER we have ended the relationship, it PROVES that THEY are the ones with the issue.  It is depersonalizing in a way- a good way- to know that WE aren't the reason they did it.  It WASN'T a shortcoming on our part that made them go out and look for other people while they were with us too.

It is pretty easy to get lost in the short term and get tunnel vision about this sort of thing.  We play the "what if" game with ourselves and berate ourselves about something we "did wrong" that would cause them to do something like this.  But when we look at their history, before and after us, and see the same patterns happening with different people, we can definitively say that the issue lies on their end.  It isn't a matter of us not being enough.

At least for my BPDex, this sort of thing had to do with validation.  My BPDex has such a fragile/non-existent sense of self that without CONSTANT reinforcement that someone cares about her, or wants her, or sees worth in her, she would... . I don't know what she would do, but it wouldn't be good.  Not having that constant stream of validation is unthinkable for her.  It is why she cheated on me as much as she did. I was around; I spent several hours NEAR EVERY DAY (we are talking 5-6/7 days a week) with her, and would text her and call her when I was not.  It didnt stop her from being absolutely GLUED to her phone, and talking to 4-5 different people ALL day.  It also didnt stop her from having SEVERAL emotional affairs with other people, or from full out dating other guys in different cities concurrently.  She craves the attention because it is how she feels worth something.  No one wants to feel worthless.

I see many similarities between my BPDex and yours.  The CRITICAL thing to remember is that it is an issue on THEIR end.  The things that drive them to do these sort of things are THEIR problem, not ours. 

In looking at my BPDex's track record, I have come to the conclusion that, initially at least, it does not matter one bit to her who she is dating.  ALL she needs to date someone is for THEM to be interested in her.  She may for affection and feelings for them a bit farther down the road, or she may not, but I know for a FACT that she has dated and been with people because THEY want HER, not because SHE wants THEM.  That is such a twisted and broken type of relationship it is incredible.  It ISN'T about the other person; its about her.

I hope you are able to take something from this.
Logged

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
[/url]
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2013, 12:26:46 PM »

Luckily you have the power to say where this relationship goes.  They don't have healthy relationship skills so if you ignore him, it will likely stop right there.

Look at the other posts on the site, they make contact with texting "hi".  They put all the relationship work on the partner to do.  If you do nothing, it starts fizzling right there.  You don't need to freak that they are up to something or feel like here we go again.  You gots lots of power over the direction it heads. 

thanks for your words, Rose, that's very true, though it's hard to do, to find that power I mean. I've been struggling all this time with the pain for having been painted black, for his cheating and with my love for him. And I still feel guilty for a lot of "If I". Now his unblocking me without doing aything more has made me going back to were I was in the last period of our r/s, obsessing myself with with "what he wants/what I should do/what is happening between the two of them". I know I should go NC and block him but I can't do it.
Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2013, 12:32:56 PM »

Block him! 

BPDs want space in your thoughts. It does not matter if its positive or negative or how much pain it costs YOU. Its about THEM and their fellings and only that. If they are nice to us in any way shape or form it is because somewhere along the way in their development and growing up (or lack of) they learned that being nice is a way to solicit nons doings something for them in return. Its a way to manipulate, not that they do this consciously but its just the way they are programmed.

Block him and look out for you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  In a month you will be happy you did. If you dont, more then likely you will still be spinning your wheels then

I know you're right but I'm still obsessed with the feeling that if I hadn't unfriended him (after being put in the acquaintances list -for the third time in two months- the day after having told him I couldn't put up with his cheating anylonger), perhaps things could have gone in a different way. I know it's nonsense, but I know I would regret it and I can't bear feeling guilty also for this.
Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2013, 12:36:51 PM »



I see many similarities between my BPDex and yours.  The CRITICAL thing to remember is that it is an issue on THEIR end.  The things that drive them to do these sort of things are THEIR problem, not ours. 

I hope you are able to take something from this.

a lot of similarities, I agree. Yes, the problem is not caused by ourselves, but we are the ones who pay for it... .
Logged
Octoberfest
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2013, 01:18:20 PM »



I see many similarities between my BPDex and yours.  The CRITICAL thing to remember is that it is an issue on THEIR end.  The things that drive them to do these sort of things are THEIR problem, not ours. 

I hope you are able to take something from this.

a lot of similarities, I agree. Yes, the problem is not caused by ourselves, but we are the ones who pay for it... .

I have said the EXACT same thing.  Their problem, but we pay.

Think about this though; we may be "paying" right now.  They will pay THEIR ENTIRE LIVES.

We must remember and be grateful that our pain and suffering because of the disorder is finite; theirs' is infinite.
Logged

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
[/url]
Rose Tiger
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2075



« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2013, 03:23:16 PM »

Luckily you have the power to say where this relationship goes.  They don't have healthy relationship skills so if you ignore him, it will likely stop right there.

Look at the other posts on the site, they make contact with texting "hi".  They put all the relationship work on the partner to do.  If you do nothing, it starts fizzling right there.  You don't need to freak that they are up to something or feel like here we go again.  You gots lots of power over the direction it heads. 

thanks for your words, Rose, that's very true, though it's hard to do, to find that power I mean. I've been struggling all this time with the pain for having been painted black, for his cheating and with my love for him. And I still feel guilty for a lot of "If I". Now his unblocking me without doing aything more has made me going back to were I was in the last period of our r/s, obsessing myself with with "what he wants/what I should do/what is happening between the two of them". I know I should go NC and block him but I can't do it.

I can relate, it's the same reason I do not keep potato chips in the house.  Irresistable.  Fattening.  Bad for me.  This person is bad for you.  You are going to have to build up the self control muscles because your well being is important.  You are important.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2013, 03:56:21 PM »

You can always take this opportunity to find your inner power and express it.

Block him Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This can be a nice step in your recovery, by taking things in your own hands and not leaving it to chance if he makes contact or not.

It certainly helped me. When i blocked my exBPD/AvPDgf on facebook i started to feel secure in this environment. I didn't fear that her photo/profile or something will popup in some event or maybe even a friend request or message.

wise words here Billa.

We cannot control them, but we certainly can control what we do.

Hang in there, it will balance out again soon.
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2013, 06:20:18 PM »

True, we cannot control their actions and we really have no idea what the motive is, if any!

We really want/hope there is a motive i.e. hope that they we will recycle or contact us to relinquish our pain, shame and self-blame. You may know deep down, or not, that this relationship is toxic. You have read enough stories on here and have enough posts to understand the reality of BPD yet you hang onto hope.

Why are you hanging onto hope? What is in this relationship for you? What does it mask?
Logged

Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2013, 12:32:40 PM »

Yes, I know this r/s is very toxic and that if I crave so much to have him back is because of something that goes beyond him and what he had together. Though, there is a huge difference between what I understand rationally and what I feel, as it happens with BPD people, emotionally I'm not enough developped, I think. so I strggle a lot. I've spent the two last days trying to focus on all the bad things he did, thinking to how evil he is, going around hurting people badly. But I can't stop loving him, the same.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2013, 12:53:41 PM »

But I can't stop loving him, the same.

Love him, - that is fine... . how about loving yourself also and protecting yourself from (your words here) feeling crazy.
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2013, 01:44:45 PM »

Craving pain to take away your pain is not healthy... .   You will ALWAYS be in pain that way.

Let it go, and you only have pain for a short time.
Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #16 on: June 19, 2013, 12:48:50 PM »

Craving pain to take away your pain is not healthy... .   You will ALWAYS be in pain that way.

Let it go, and you only have pain for a short time.

that's it, craving pain to take away pain... . I'm mentally worn out in these days, always thinking to the meaning of his unblocking and trying to understand if things with the recycled girl are going on or not (and obsessing myself checking it by spying their whatsapp, very silly thing to do, I know) and still hoping for him to do something more to contact me. I know I shoul block him , but I'm sure he would take it very bad and I'm still blaming myself for having been the one who said "stop", so I really can't do it. I wish I didn't do it, I wish I didn't unfriend him from Facebook in deep rage, I wish I had managed all in a different way... .
Logged
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #17 on: June 19, 2013, 12:54:58 PM »

Billa,  

This man brought you so much pain that the relationship had to end.  Nothing else matters!

You owe this man nothing.  He used you for his own purposes.  You have no obligation to him and should not feel guilty.

Why do you want a man who could turn to someone else so quickly and easily?

This is about you and your own self esteem... . not your ex.  You deserve a relationship where you are loved and respected.  Where your wants and needs matter.

I understand your panic... . but its only a feeling, and it will pass.  I speak from experience... .

Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #18 on: June 19, 2013, 01:15:43 PM »

This is about you and your own self esteem... . not your ex.  You deserve a relationship where you are loved and respected.  Where your wants and needs matter.

I understand your panic... . but its only a feeling, and it will pass.  I speak from experience... .

thanks, Laelle, I'm hurting so much, crying a lot in these days because I know that he let me down and changed me with another person, as if I was nothing, but I can't stop missing him so much, even if I'm counscious  I gave him all I had to give, all my love, my support, my attention and only got sorrow back. Perhaps you're right and this panic will pass, but it's very difficult to cope with this frantic condition while trying to mantain a normal behaviour in everyday life.
Logged
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #19 on: June 19, 2013, 01:25:16 PM »

Billa,

Its ok to cry... . your hurt is worth crying over.  Stop beating up on yourself please?  You did nothing but love and try to please a man who can not love or be pleased.

Your chasing your tail in that relationship and it will NEVER end.

That he exchanged you... . IS HIS PROBLEM.  It is not a reflection of YOUR value.  It is a reflection of his ILLNESS. (his loss)

He is a sick man, and any relationship he enters will be a sick relationship.  He wont suddenly get well you know.

I want you to be happy and healthy... .  I want you to have a big cheesy grin on your face and be lighthearted... .

Do you want it too?

Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #20 on: June 19, 2013, 01:29:06 PM »

I want you to be happy and healthy... .  I want you to have a big cheesy grin on your face and be lighthearted... .

Do you want it too?

would like to :-)
Logged
Billa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 172


« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2013, 01:37:11 PM »

Billa,

Its ok to cry... . your hurt is worth crying over.  Stop beating up on yourself please?  You did nothing but love and try to please a man who can not love or be pleased.

Your chasing your tail in that relationship and it will NEVER end.

that's true, I've tried every way to please him and give him love, but it was as if he couldn't see it, as if he was blind to all the things I was doing make him feel loves and cared about, to make things go. From December on, it was as if I was a person he hated and should punish for something. As if he didn't recognize me, as if he didn't remember who and what I was... . It's so painful... .
Logged
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2013, 01:42:37 PM »

The nature of the disease makes it impossible for him to appreciate or even truly "get" how much you love and support him.

He splits your good... . no matter how good you are... . he will chop it off and use it to ease his pain. (at your expense)  Your "good effort" never existed.

He splits his bad... . and gives it to you.  You can never be clean, because you carry his dirt.

It is so very very very sad, but its TRUE!
Logged
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #23 on: June 19, 2013, 01:47:49 PM »

You want to be "good" so you overlook the "bad" in people.  You overlooked the bad in your ex... . while he was deceiving you, and leaving you responsible for his dirty laundry.

Take yourself back hun... .  

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!