Communication Issues

[Mike76]

She has now been in weekly counseling for 9 months.

We have been in MC for 6-7  months.

I have heard all the bad stories about MC.

I also do not know how qualified the MC nor her T are in BPD,  but I am now getting some clarity.

I said "When I walk in the door at home and she rants about 20 different things, can we pause in the middle of them and discuss?"

my wife said "No"  never going to happen

I said "On big subjects (my wife) brings up, even if I can not share the same day, can I share the next day, or week!" 

my wife said "No, it is to painful to hear his opinion, on she matters"

I said "my wife communicates with detailed stories and long stores,  and that is fine,  but sometimes she gets upset if I asked for clarification"

Marriage C said " I take it (to my wife), you are working on this both the long stories and getting upset when he ask for clarification with you individual C"

my wife said "No I am not, (my almost looked insulted), and said she did not plan to either"

That marriage c said to me" you know this takes patience, correct"

I said " I know, I have had patience, but I am almost worn out"

The MC has openly talked about my wife and a Axiety,  I said "I do not understand"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Thats a lot of therapy, do you think maybe she has analysis overload?

Maybe she wants to be able to dump her feelings out, without feeling under pressure to analyse what the meaning of everything is. Sometimes even regular folks feel bad, simply because they just do, without really knowing why, we accept that but can still get grumpy when pushed to explain why... . A pwBPD needs to blame it on something or someone, that is their soothing mechanism, projection. They dont want to have to explain it, that just invalidates their avenue of venting.

They end up with emotional constipation, if they cant dump their issues on someone.

[Mike76]

My wife would like to meet more then her 1 hour a week with you individual T.   

She would even meet with the MC more than 2 twice a month.   

I myself feel 2 a month with the MC, a every 3 weeks or so with my T is to much for me. 

You mentioned the cause of her dumping may be to much T,  but the way she dumps on me is 90 percent of the reason we got T in the first place.

With all the symptoms of my uBPDw,   the only thing we have got to in the MC is the ones I mentioned.  (other the me being permitted to see my family)

[briefcase]

Mike, it sounds like you are waiting for your wife to change.  Maybe she will someday.  Maybe she won't.  But, you have a lot more control over the issues you mentioned than you are giving yourself credit for. 

All three of the communication issues are about whether you can say something to her.  You havea right to be heard.  What is preventing you from participating in these conversations, asking for clarifications, etc.?  My guess, is that she reacts poorly when you interject your thougths into the "conversation" - so you avoid doing it.  Now, you are hoping that through therapy she will realize the error of her ways and be happy to hear your comments/questions during these conversations. 

Remember the old saying . . . if it ain't broke, don't fix it?  Well, from your wife's perspective, the communication issues you describe ain't broke.  She gets to vent at/to you about whatever she wants, for as long as she wants, whenever she wants, and you stick around and listen.  It doesn't sound like she has much incentive to "fix" something that seems to work pretty well for her. 

If there is going to be some change, you have to make it.  It will take some awareness of your boundaries and an ability to let her feel her own emotions when things don't go her way.  For example, if she's giving one of her rambling stories and you ask her a question - what do you do if she snaps at you for asking the question?  Do you:

(1) Apologize and promise to work on not being so rude

(2) Keep quiet, but silently seeth about how rude she is

(3) Tell her she is rude and that you're sick of her

(4) Calmly walk away, telling her that you'll pick it back up when you can both participate in the conversation

Boundaries are about what we tolerate.  We teach others how they can treat us. What are your boundaries around these communication issues?     

[yeeter]

I said " I know, I have had patience, but I am almost worn out"

Dont forget to replenish your own energy, in whatever way is required.

Some good questions from Briefcase here - what is stopping you from drawing a line on how the two of you engage.  (I can guess some reasons, but give it some thought)

Meaning, if she is going on and on about 20 things and you dont get a chance to share your perspectives, or express some of the things that are going on with you - then dont listen.  It will seem really rude at first (and likely you will get some name calling) - but there is no law that says you have to participate in one sided conversations.  Politely disengage and go put your energies elsewhere.

Sometimes dumping is just dumping - could just as easily be done to the dog or to a wall.  Other times there can be some underlying implication that you should own part of it, and help fix.  Be wary of this one - her stuff is her stuff, and make sure you dont take ownership of it (she is allowed to be upset, but often times you may not be able to help in any way).  Even if its about something 'you' are doing.  'Her' problems are 'her' problems.

She may want more T as another way to get things 'out' - and projected (or dumped) onto others.

[Mike76]

Yeeter and Briefcase... .

What a wonderful summarization of where I am at.     After the years of fighting within myself, with her, etc.  for the first time everything you both said makes complete since.

I chuckled you used the word "ownership",  my uBPDw, think with the MC uses ownership it mean.  "I'm right, your wrong shut up"... . I have not even approached that subject yet. 

The extra T she wants makes sense about additional dumping... .

How I react to her dumping on be and setting boundaries, although I thought I understood before is very clear to me.

My biggest hurdle is she as got physical in the past,  I have been very clear in MC, that I often act quite and I do not speak up because of this fear.

Additionally,  when she is talking, ranting, storing telling, I feel guilty walking away because it upsets her so much. I do know I must change on this feeling that I have though.  I must act differently.   I have admitted in MC I am going to try to do so.   It's painful because my uBPDw says,   "I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE"

[yeeter]

.   It's painful because my uBPDw says,   "I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE"

This is probably the most productive thing you can work to accept.

She is not going to change

Now, knowing this, what are YOU going to do?  (now I'm not saying she might not change, I'm just saying for you to be waiting for it, or tying your actions to her changing, will keep you stuck)