If they ever want to address their issues and change... when?

[me757]

Just curious about this. I'm guessing some pwBPD eventually realize they need to change. Is there a common theme that leads them to realizing it? Age? Some sort of rock bottom? I feel like they have to catch on to their issues at some point... . I don't see a lot of stories on here about old people with BPD recycling and whatnot.

[seeking balance]

Just curious about this. I'm guessing some pwBPD eventually realize they need to change. Is there a common theme that leads them to realizing it? Age? Some sort of rock bottom? I feel like they have to catch on to their issues at some point... . I don't see a lot of stories on here about old people with BPD recycling and whatnot.

Rock bottom - like most things in life where we really have to change.

Tami Green on youtube has a series of talks and she is a recovered BPD.  High functioning in terms of career and such, her story in her words actually gave me insight into the real thought patterns.

Something for you or any of us to really consider here - we fell in love with our pwBPD because they mirrored and idealized us to fulfill an unstable sense of self (in simple terms).  If this person had a stable sense of self and did not mirror, we likely may not want to be with that person... . them getting help does not necessarily equal compatibility.   

[expos]

Just curious about this. I'm guessing some pwBPD eventually realize they need to change. Is there a common theme that leads them to realizing it? Age? Some sort of rock bottom? I feel like they have to catch on to their issues at some point... . I don't see a lot of stories on here about old people with BPD recycling and whatnot.

It's tough to say... . as the Cluster B comes in various strengths, shapes, sizes, etc.  Not a one-size fits all disorder for sure.

I have actually heard that they get worse with time if they do not get serious help.  Most don't even know they have it... . they chalk up it to being depressed, moody, or b!itchy and don't really think that it is something much deeper.  I think a lot of psychologists are terrible at getting these people out of the dark, as well.

In my experience, my undiagnosed exBPD-wife suffered through our divorce (a divorce is pretty much hitting rock-bottom if you ask me), yet had a boyfriend a mere two months after we officially separated!   If that isn't realizing your problem, I don't know what is.  You would think that a relationship would be the last thing on your mind after a divorce.  It is, after all, the root of the problem.  Her getting into a new relationship that fast was essentially like using cocaine to get over your heroin addiction.  

The common theme here is that BPD is very tough to treat... . some never get to the root of their problems.  

[danley]

Getting into a new relationship so soon doesn't resound someone who worked on their core issues. It sounds like a way to fill the void. It sounds like something to do in order to have a clean slate leaving unresolved issues from the last relationship. It's like moving from one project to the next without ever finishing any of the projects. Of course there could be other reasons to getting into a new relationship so suddenly after a breakup... . they already ended the relationship in their mind before telling you, or because feelings deteriorated, or Maybe even just to prove a point, make you jealous, etc.

I believe as long as they're in denial or refuse to get help they will continue on with their facade. Until they hit rock bottom will they see the trail of damage. Or when they realize the damage they caused is beyond what they intended. As long as they feel they can continue to live with the denial they probably won't address their issues. And sometimes No matter how good the relationship might be, their denial of their issues will prevail. The inner self can be fragile. And sometimes people will go to extreme measures to keep even loved ones from their True self.

[Murbay]

It's funny because my T identified a few times where I have crossed pwBPD before and not realised it at the time. One was a relationship I had about 15 years ago that lasted only 3 months because I had enough sense to back away before it became serious. As far as I know, she never sought help and is on her 4th marriage.

The second one was a friend of mine who almost became a relationship but something didn't sit right. She did go on to address her issues and we are still good friends. However, she cut off all contact with me after I refused a relationship and she got nasty. I got an e-mail from her about 6 years later to apologise for the way she treated me, telling me she had been in therapy for all of those years and if I minded if we could still be friends. The turning point for her was when her younger brother died in a car accident because they were very close. I think it triggered her abandonment in a way that she couldn't hide from it anymore. We are still friends to this day.

My exBPDw is tied to her mother in the very same way and T believes the only time she will seek help is when her mother is no longer around. Until then, she will continue the very same destructive cycles she has done for most of her life.

[KE151]

I'm wondering... . what does 'rock bottom' look like for a BPD?

[marbleloser]

"I'm wondering... . what does 'rock bottom' look like for a BPD?"

I believe it's different for each of them,just as it would be for us.

From experience,exBPDgf having her parents disown her,her child disown her,divorce,time in jail,losing friends,and losing jobs,she still hasn't hit her own rock bottom yet after all of that.For me,it wouldn't take half of that,but in her case it's just another day in the life of BPD.

[clairedair]

Getting into a new relationship so soon doesn't resound someone who worked on their core issues. It sounds like a way to fill the void. It sounds like something to do in order to have a clean slate leaving unresolved issues from the last relationship.

My exH has seen therapists and has some experience himself of counselling skills.  This is partly why I continued to reconcile repeatedly - he had insights about his behaviour and he was seeing T. He seemed to be dealing with some difficult stuff and really trying. However, from my viewpoint, he gets so far with addressing issues and then stops. 

When he left last time, he went on a course and later did send an apology of sorts - by e-mail.  I was still reeling from yet another totally confusing breakup with no closure and yet I did not 'push' him because I knew that the course had been disturbing for him (though helpful) and decided that it would be best not to invalidate his feelings at that time (even though I was extremely distressed by the 'apology' that somehow managed to point out my flaws ... . again).  I thought that after some time working on himself, we'd be able to have a mature, adult conversation.  I didn't expect to get back together (this time, I was too angry about the way he 'disappeared' on me) but I did expect that after a near 30 year relationship, we'd talk about stuff.

Instead, he was already dating within weeks and got married six months later.  I want to believe that he has addressed his issues and is now in a healthy place - best not just for him but for our kids and for me.  Best for his new wife.  But can he have dealt with major issues in the few weeks between the course and dating again?

Significantly, I have realised that there were some core issues I needed to deal with.  I had seen T previously but was still in the 'FOG'.  This new T has really shaken me up.  I was in the perfect relationship to distract myself from my issues!

Whilst I think we can support partners, we can only really deal with our own stuff and change ourselves... .