A daughter-in-law with BPD

[cpatlew]

Haven't posted for a while. Spent the last three years dealing with a daughter-in-law that has gone around town and in the family lying and trying to destroy our family. Our son has ADHD and is not medicated. Combining the two together is a lethal combination. The sad part is three children are involved and being lied to and alienated from their grandparents, aunt, uncle and immediate cousins. We have had three discussions with them where it is really more of she has the platform and tears us apart and is very disrespectful to us, lying about situations. It is funny that now when you listen and try to remove the emotion you hear that the majority of her accusations are things she has been doing and somehow they become our sins.

Being that my son has a short attention span and has difficulty with blurting out things before he thinks she has used that to her advantage. When our son tries to relay what he is feeling she interjects and tells him and us what he is feeling and how we have treated him so badly. We are at a loss how to deal with this situation. There are no support groups in our area that would give us advice. We just steel ourselves to the lose of our grandkids.

After convincing my family and my husband's family that we are the bad guys my family  has spent the last three years being subject to her behavior they are now pulling back and tired of dealing with the both of them. This has sent her into another episode and she has kicked up the lying and picking a fight trying to convince others that she is the innocent. After my husband and I went through counseling for ourselves and explained the situation we were advised not to be alone with her. My son has now threatened that if we don't spend time alone with her and make her a priority in our lives he can't be a part of our lives. I am inclined to say then don't. I have gone above and beyond to try to make her feel welcomed and respected and still she lies about me. I am in a no win situation. I love my son but don't feel that gives him license to subject me to her constant verbal abuse. Her latest threat to me is I need to stay away from my extended family because they belong to her. This would include my brothers, their families and my father. I could go on and on but sometimes when I try to step back and look I feel that this can't be real and it is all a bad nightmare.

I know that we aren't alone. Sadly there are other that suffer from the same. But when do you say enough and stop allowing them to destroy your life. She has been sent to a counselor two time and stopped after two sessions accusing the counselor of terrible things. So her seeking help is just not going to happen.

[jdtm]

cpatlew - Rest assured, you are not alone.  We've lived your life - I know the tears, lies, rage, depression and humiliation of which you are living.  Luckily, for us, our DIL left our son and abandoned her children almost five years ago.  We are still in the process of "patching up" relationships and, at best, there will always be some issues and "cracks" - most of which we are totally innocent.

If we could do it again, my husband and I would have pulled away far, far sooner.  Our son would have had to make tough decisions far sooner than he did. We actually ended up moving some distance away (not because of "her" but other circumstances) and this was a blessing in disguise.  I feel my family is fractured and I don't have the same "holiday times" as my sister, but our lives are much, much better than before.  Today, we laugh and actually have fun.  Most nights I sleep well.

I feel for you.  I would never have believed that our son's marriage would/could destroy so many people, relationships and even, our very selves.  BPD is insidious and cruel.  We know what it is to be accused of things one never said, never did or even never thought.  We know what it is to constantly try to "right" the situation.  We know what it is to "hide" from others because we're tired of defending ourselves.  And we know what it is to worry, worry, worry (until physically sick) about the grandchildren and our son.  We, too, have been told how "awful" we are as people.  But in hindsight, the only ones we can help is ourselves. 

Please try to focus on yourself and your husband.  The fact your son has ADHD does not make him an incompetent father - we had to step back and trust our son.  Really, there is nothing else we could do.  I so feel for you ... .

[cpatlew]

Thank you for your reply. I try to remind myself over and over again we aren't alone. I love my son and will until I draw my last breath. I can only hope that someday my grandchildren will seek the truth and come to us. I will never bad mouth their mother or father and hope that will someday mean something to them. I think you are right that we as parents need to step away. I want to laugh, smile and enjoy my life. I pray that my children will someday heal their relationship also but feel that our family will never reconcile or begin to heal until she is no longer in the picture. I hope that if that day happens she leaves the children so that they can get some healing and become stable adults. If she would seek help (sadly that isn't going to happen) life would be so much better.

[MEME43]

Hi, I was just reading your post and I am going through the same situation with my dil she has not allowed us to see our gs2 for over 6months. my heart is breaking everyday I miss him so much, my son says he wants us in his life but there is nothing he can do it about it right now. I was just thinking today about begging them to let me see my gs. then I read your post and I am wondering if that my be a mistake... . although I miss my son and gs the last 6  months have been stress free and drama free.  since we have had no contact with her it's harder for her to tell so many lies about us for things that never happened.

at one point about a month ago our son did pack a bag and leave he told us he couldn't take it anymore, then after a few hours and talking to her on phone he went back said he would be ok as long as knew our gs was ok we had no ideal he was leaving until he called us and she sends me a text after no contact for 6months and says"I hope you happy for destroying your son's family and hurting your grandson you really need help" I don't understand how they are able to make everything your fault!

would love any advice on how to better deal with the how much or if any contact we should have with our son, I love him with all my heart but he knows what she is doing and he just makes excuses and allows her to keep our gs from us. He is basically not allowed to see anyone in our family.

[cpatlew]

Dear MEME43, Please remember you are not alone. We  have given our sons all the love and understanding possible and still we end up in this situation. Try to not take anything she says to heart. I have found through talking to counselors and reading as much as I can on BPD that they inflict the things they hate about themselves on to us. I have had many times been accused of things that I wasn't even present yet she still throws the hurtful, nasty lies at me.

My son also attempted several times to pull away even when they were dating and somehow she will use others, lies, drama and even threatening suicide to draw him back. My pain with my grandchildren has been going on for close to 3 years. I was only able to see them being held by others, pictures plastered all over facebook and the few short times I did see them the oldest punched me in the face, the middle one spit in my face and told me I was nothing and the youngest doesn't even have a clue who I or my husband are.

I was told never to be alone with her, don't agree with my son if he complains about her and keep any type of a log of any encounter you have with her. I will tell you that just recently my son has mentioned in a round about way he misses the family but like I said there are conditions to his return. Being confronted with phone records, people witnessing and several other things has put a slight twinge in his threat. Send your birthday cards, tell him you love him and tell your grandchild the same every time you see them and just be prepared for negative. If you get positive rejoice and if you get negative walk away.

Your son will not run the risk of upsetting your DIL and will also sacrifice his family to keep her from getting mad at him. I look at this as my son is in an emotional hostage situation and until he can break away or she tires of him (more times than not that is what happens) there is really nothing you can do. Look for all the positive things in your family, remember all the good things that happened with your son and smile, laugh and enjoy everyday of your life. I know that is hard but remember that there are a lot of us struggling the same and we need to stick together.

Hope I helped! 

[Tess Russell]

I needed to find all of you in this discussion! Thank you for your honest sharing. I have such a similar situation. I am actually a step-mother, but my children's mom died when they were young, and I became their mother a year later. They have called me mom for 22 years.

Three years ago, my son married his unBPDw after she "accidentally" got pregnant. She had started telling him lies about me some time before, but I didn't see the warning signs.

To make a long story short, it has now been three years of basically no contact with my son. In a few weeks, they will be having their THIRD child.

What has been surprising is the way my husband's family, including my "step" daughter, have become their "family" and no one even talks to us about the situation. Just this week, I tried to have a conversation with my brother-in-law, and he told me I am the one with BPD, and I have brought all of this on myself!

I am shocked that people with BPD can cause all this pain and suffering, but what is almost more shocking is that so many people are blind to their manipulation and lies.

I am the one who has been vilified, and it is SO hard to go on with my life with a broken heart. Fighting all the self-doubts and trying to make some sense out of what is so crazy, is so depressing! I know I need to live my life to the fullest, but all of you know that being with families who are enjoying their children and grandchildren is so hard. Trying to give the right answer when someone asks how your kids are, is a tough one. 

When I became their mother, I took on that role as an honor to their bio-mom who couldn't be there for them. I was close to them for so long. Now, I am so tired of being rejected that I'm trying to take the approach that they have divorced me, and all divorces are tough and life feels like a rollercoaster for a long time.

For those of you who have finally gotten your child back and are trying to heal, I wish you all the very best. I can only hope that someday we will be in that situation, and I pray I handle it with forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for your support! Tess

[cpatlew]

Dear Tess,

Thank you for your input. It will sound crazy(not pun intended) but I can so identify with you in the family situation. My father, brother and some nieces and nephews fell for my DIL lies. They tried very hard to convince me that this was all my fault. The BPD is so good at what they do that they will convince others to feel that they are the victims. They find the one thing they think that is a weakness in you and use it against you. My son was diagnosed when very young with ADHD. Due to health reasons we could not medicate him and had to become very hands-on parents. That means a very structured and involved life. It has been a rollercoaster. But in spite of all that he had turned out to be a very successful young adult. Then she came into his life and it has been down hill ever since. So my involvement as his mother became turned around to a controlling, overbearing and possessive mother. The funny thing is I was praying for a daughter-in-law that could love him in spite of all his difficulties and take over. I just wanted to see my son and enjoy the rest of my life knowing that he would be okay.

Now my family is starting to see her for who and what she is and she has turned to my husband's family and started all over again. This time it is now directed at lies about my husband. So you see it never ends.

In a recent conversation with her or should I say a yelling at us saying nasty things conversation she tried repeatedly to engage me in an argument. When I would not rise to the occasion and just remained calm with the reply, "I knew you would say that" and presented her with phone records, people as witnesses she disengaged with me and started on my husband. Then the accusations started. Not blaming my husband but his voice raised and she became more excited and even turned on tears, anger and nice talk within a millisecond of each other. When my husband lowered his voice her behavior changed again.

I know what you say when you say I hope you can approach with forgiveness. There are many times I look at my son and can not believe he would put his father, sister and I through what we are going through. But they didn't call you mom for nothing. You are his mom and love him and he is very lucky to have you in his life. Stay strong and try not to take anything she says or your family says to heart. Your family will soon be the recipient of her lies and outbursts.  Then they will see what you have been going through. I know now it doesn't help but someday it will.

Stay strong and know you aren't alone.

[Tess Russell]

Dear Tess,

Thank you for your input. It will sound crazy(not pun intended) but I can so identify with you in the family situation. My father, brother and some nieces and nephews fell for my DIL lies. They tried very hard to convince me that this was all my fault. The BPD is so good at what they do that they will convince others to feel that they are the victims. They find the one thing they think that is a weakness in you and use it against you.

Now my family is starting to see her for who and what she is and she has turned to my husband's family and started all over again. This time it is now directed at lies about my husband. So you see it never ends.

I know what you say when you say I hope you can approach with forgiveness. There are many times I look at my son and can not believe he would put his father, sister and I through what we are going through. But they didn't call you mom for nothing. You are his mom and love him and he is very lucky to have you in his life. Stay strong and try not to take anything she says or your family says to heart. Your family will soon be the recipient of her lies and outbursts.  Then they will see what you have been going through. I know now it doesn't help but someday it will.

Stay strong and know you aren't alone.

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been three years of hell, and it just seems to keep on going. It just seems so ironic that I was the parent who did everything for them, a typical mom, and their father was just always there, mostly the silent one. He is a very good man, and loves me unconditionally, but he has never been able to say, "enough is enough!" The blame and vilification of me just keeps on going, and he doesn't speak to the kids or his family to defend me.

I do believe that we are  meant to give thanks for everything, and I am learning necessary lessons for my soul. I just wish I didn't have to keep feeling this heavy cloud over me all the time.

I wish you the strength to keep seeing the silver linings too! Blessings, Tess

[cpatlew]

Dear Tess,

I have also had three years of misery. Don't be fooled there are days when my heart is so heavy it feels like it will burst. The pain of the lies and misery are sometimes too much to bear. I just try to keep on plugging away.

My husband was also the innocent one and I was the villain in the beginning. He also is reluctant to speak with anyone. I think sometimes the other just doesn't want to be tore apart like we are. I really can't blame them. When you have done everything to keep everyone happy and to the point sometimes against your better judgment and still you get made into the enemy the feeling of defeat is always there. I make it a point to speak to others and get advice from those that went through it. I to feel sometimes like the advice to hang in there is almost a laugh. How do you hang on when the pain just keeps coming?

My husband also loves me and is a very good man but sometimes the feeling of just wanting to scream at him is too much to bear. Why when he feels and says the same things when it is the two of us is he coming out the innocent. ":)ad doesn't know what is going on he just believes what you say, Dad said... . , Dad has never made her feel bad." Probably not because isn't around as much. If he was he to would be the enemy. That is what they do. Divide and conquer! I wish you all the luck and happiness! I am here if you ever need to just get it off your chest.

Blessing to you and your family!

[Tess Russell]

Thank you again! Your first words:

I have also had three years of misery. Don't be fooled there are days when my heart is so heavy it feels like it will burst. The pain of the lies and misery are sometimes too much to bear. I just try to keep on plugging away.

ring so very true for me. This should be the time of our lives when we enjoy the fruits of our labor! It feels so unbelievable that this is happening. Mostly, I am shocked that my daughter has gone over to her brother's side. We never hear from her anymore unless it is an obligatory call on a holiday. The last we talked was Mother's Day.

On a positive note, we have "adopted" a young couple and their 2 year old daughter. She is the love of our lives, and I look forward to life again because of her. God does send us those reasons to be thankful, and if all of this hadn't been happening, we might not have her in our lives!

I need to run, but keep those notes coming!