sudden death of close mutual friend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

I just learned today of the shocking and tragic death of a close mutual friend to both myself and my EX.

The background is my EX and I have been split since mid April, and have been No Contact.  We have occasionally been at the same public places but haven't spoken.

This morning my EX called me and I let the call go to voice mail to screen the message.   I had already learned of the passing of our friend but at that point, all of us were scrambling for details.

I listened to the message and she seemed rational but understandably upset and looking for confirmation of who has passed and how.

I called her back and we spoke for about 4 minutes, just long enough to exchange details.

I know that both of us will be at the calling hours and service.   I know that both of us will be grieving this senseless tragedy.

I think it would be completely natural to feel a pull to comfort each other.  This will be an emotional setting and when our emotions lead us they lead us astray.   

Any advice, or thoughts on what I can do to keep this situation as mentally healthy as I can for the both of us will be greatly appreciated.

[babyducks]

Hi All,

I just learned today of the shocking and tragic death of a close mutual friend to both myself and my EX.

The background is my EX and I have been split since mid April, and have been No Contact.  We have occasionally been at the same public places but haven't spoken.

This morning my EX called me and I let the call go to voice mail to screen the message.   I had already learned of the passing of our friend but at that point, all of us were scrambling for details.

I listened to the message and she seemed rational but understandably upset and looking for confirmation of who has passed and how.

I called her back and we spoke for about 4 minutes, just long enough to exchange details.

I know that both of us will be at the calling hours and service.   I know that both of us will be grieving this senseless tragedy.

I think it would be completely natural to feel a pull to comfort each other.  This will be an emotional setting and when our emotions lead us they lead us astray.   

Any advice, or thoughts on what I can do to keep this situation as mentally healthy as I can for the both of us will be greatly appreciated.

[seeking balance]

I had a similar experience, about 2 months after divorce papers were filed, a mutual friends mom died.  I was closer than ex, but knew out of respect ex would be there.

It is normal to feel emotional and even normal to want comfort from familiar at a time like this.  You know the reality of BPD, as such, my suggestion is to stay rational when it comes to the bigger picture.  Being kind to each other in this situation is bound to reopen the breakup wounds a big, but that's ok... . you will be ok if you stay true to you.

I am sorry for your loss.

Peace,

SB

[Changed4safety]

I hope you will not be offended, but to a lesser degree I suffered something similar... . I had a 19-year-old cat that I had since he was eight weeks old.  Ex and I loved that cat.  He got cancer and declined quickly, following the same pattern, challengingly, that my dad did when he passed from cancer in 2011.  The ex adored this animal, and we were long distance.  He was able to help me through it in a way that helped both of us, and took some of the pain away from when my dad died and he DIDN'T step up to the plate.  It is, ironically, one of the best and gentlest memories I have of the relationship. 

I like what Seeking Balance had to say.  *hugs*  So sorry for you during this sudden, painful time. 

[Clearmind]

babyducks, sorry to hear of your loss.

Our members who have kids and who are going through a separation will and need to have contact with their partners for a period of time - cannot be avoided while things are being sorted, settled and sifted through. This may be similar - there are times were NC really isn't an option and its OK to feel the grief of contact.

I'm not a huge advocate of strict NC - while we feverishly protect NC we are in fact avoiding some much needed lessons on what contact can trigger.

Remain present - mindfulness certainly helps: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind