Intro & suspected BPD Sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post to this site. I’ve been simultaneously saddened and comforted by other people’s stories – so awful to think how incredibly destructive this disorder can be.

I have long suspected that my younger sister suffers from BPD. Since her teens she’s had certain tendencies towards self-centredness, manipulative behaviour, insulting people under the guise of being “honest” etc., however for the most part she was a fairly “together” person, very intelligent, with a large circle of friends and a busy life. She’s now 40 years old and over the past ten or so years has appeared to be on a downward trajectory in most areas of her life.

I’ll back up a bit here – when S was in her late 20s, she began using recreational drugs quite heavily. As far as I know it was mostly cocaine, ecstasy and amphetamines, along with moderate to heavy drinking. Having read up extensively on the long terms effects of cocaine/amphetamine abuse, her behaviour was not surprising – she lost so much weight that people assumed she was anorexic, she became extremely “fidgety” and seemed unable to sit still, she couldn’t focus on one topic of conversation for more than a few seconds before switching to another which was often completely out of context, she would often start projects or hobbies and then abandon them abruptly, and she managed to alienate most of her friends. Including me – S and I were estranged for roughly 5 years at one stage, brought about by an explosive argument which stemmed from a long-term smear campaign she’d conducted against me (for which she blames me 100% to this day).

It was through my research into drug abuse and resultant psychosis that I stumbled upon literature about BPD and other personality disorders. Reading the checklist for BPD was a lightbulb moment for me. S experiences constant conflict with almost everyone she comes into contact with, she’s lost more jobs than I can remember and has constant drama in almost all areas of her life. And all of these calamities are always someone else’s fault, never down to anything that she has done.

Though everyone in the family has been a target for her blame and projection, it appears that she is almost obsessed with me in this regard (my brother concurs here – he tries to stay neutral but has let me know that he understands my predicament and generally doesn’t believe anything she says). She has stockpiled a veritable catalogue of the sins I’ve allegedly committed against her, and brings these up whenever the moment strikes her – some of these are based in reality (though highly embellished), some of them are complete fabrications. One such example is that my mum would often talk about how jealous I was of S when she was born (I was three at the time) and S has built this up to the point that she claims I tried to kill her, that I have been a psycho since childhood etc.

The hardest part of all this is that I am the one who has been largely cast out of the family, especially in respect of my mother. She ticks every “enabler” box out there – S has lived with Mum for the last ten years, and Mum has pretty much infantilised her. Additionally S now has an 18 month old daughter (another worry in itself) the result of an on-again off-again relationship with an ex-boyfriend (needless to say this particular relationship is extremely volatile too). I have gone through bouts of depression due to the loss of my relationship with my mother, and her apparent lack of regard for me – during one recent episode where S screamed at me and called me an evil depraved b*tch from hell who deserved to die, my mother’s response to me was that I shouldn’t have provoked her (which I apparently did by mentioning in conversation that I’d seen an ex-friend of S’s about a year ago – walking on eggshells is of course a necessity). On top of this I’m desperately worried about my little niece who I love dearly – presently I’m banned from seeing her and my other family members are unwilling or unable to help me in this regard.

Anyway I apologise for the length of this, and thank you for reading. Looking forward to getting to know you all, gaining strength to deal with my situation and hopefully eventually helping others.

[km1004]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post to this site. I’ve been simultaneously saddened and comforted by other people’s stories – so awful to think how incredibly destructive this disorder can be.

I have long suspected that my younger sister suffers from BPD. Since her teens she’s had certain tendencies towards self-centredness, manipulative behaviour, insulting people under the guise of being “honest” etc., however for the most part she was a fairly “together” person, very intelligent, with a large circle of friends and a busy life. She’s now 40 years old and over the past ten or so years has appeared to be on a downward trajectory in most areas of her life.

I’ll back up a bit here – when S was in her late 20s, she began using recreational drugs quite heavily. As far as I know it was mostly cocaine, ecstasy and amphetamines, along with moderate to heavy drinking. Having read up extensively on the long terms effects of cocaine/amphetamine abuse, her behaviour was not surprising – she lost so much weight that people assumed she was anorexic, she became extremely “fidgety” and seemed unable to sit still, she couldn’t focus on one topic of conversation for more than a few seconds before switching to another which was often completely out of context, she would often start projects or hobbies and then abandon them abruptly, and she managed to alienate most of her friends. Including me – S and I were estranged for roughly 5 years at one stage, brought about by an explosive argument which stemmed from a long-term smear campaign she’d conducted against me (for which she blames me 100% to this day).

It was through my research into drug abuse and resultant psychosis that I stumbled upon literature about BPD and other personality disorders. Reading the checklist for BPD was a lightbulb moment for me. S experiences constant conflict with almost everyone she comes into contact with, she’s lost more jobs than I can remember and has constant drama in almost all areas of her life. And all of these calamities are always someone else’s fault, never down to anything that she has done.

Though everyone in the family has been a target for her blame and projection, it appears that she is almost obsessed with me in this regard (my brother concurs here – he tries to stay neutral but has let me know that he understands my predicament and generally doesn’t believe anything she says). She has stockpiled a veritable catalogue of the sins I’ve allegedly committed against her, and brings these up whenever the moment strikes her – some of these are based in reality (though highly embellished), some of them are complete fabrications. One such example is that my mum would often talk about how jealous I was of S when she was born (I was three at the time) and S has built this up to the point that she claims I tried to kill her, that I have been a psycho since childhood etc.

The hardest part of all this is that I am the one who has been largely cast out of the family, especially in respect of my mother. She ticks every “enabler” box out there – S has lived with Mum for the last ten years, and Mum has pretty much infantilised her. Additionally S now has an 18 month old daughter (another worry in itself) the result of an on-again off-again relationship with an ex-boyfriend (needless to say this particular relationship is extremely volatile too). I have gone through bouts of depression due to the loss of my relationship with my mother, and her apparent lack of regard for me – during one recent episode where S screamed at me and called me an evil depraved b*tch from hell who deserved to die, my mother’s response to me was that I shouldn’t have provoked her (which I apparently did by mentioning in conversation that I’d seen an ex-friend of S’s about a year ago – walking on eggshells is of course a necessity). On top of this I’m desperately worried about my little niece who I love dearly – presently I’m banned from seeing her and my other family members are unwilling or unable to help me in this regard.

Anyway I apologise for the length of this, and thank you for reading. Looking forward to getting to know you all, gaining strength to deal with my situation and hopefully eventually helping others.

[Murbay]

Hi km1004,

I'm sorry to hear about your personal experiences with not only your sister, but also your relationship with your mother and understand how frustrating it must feel for you being in that position and the effect it has had on your own health and well being as a result of the interactions.

I can relate to your feelings of worry towards your niece within the environment you have described. It can be especially frustrating for you when other family members are unwilling to offer support.

I have a couple of questions which I'm a little unclear about.

You mention about family members unwilling to help you. Does this include updates on how your niece is doing or just in terms of contact?

How is your relationship with your mother outside of the issues going on with your sister?

You talk about going through bouts of depression yourself, are you currently seeing a Therapist or have you entertained the idea?

What steps are you taking to take care of you right now?

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

We have some excellent communication tools on these boards which may help give you a little space when confronted with some of the conflict in future.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

and equally as important for your own health, setting boundaries.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There are many members on this board who can give valuable insight to how you are feeling right now and the steps you can take towards getting yourself back on track. We are here to offer support and guidance so please feel free to ask any questions 

[km1004]

Hi Murbay

Many thanks for your reply - your words of comfort and advice are much appreciated.

To clarify the aspects of my situation that you asked about:

- in respect of my family members, even though most of them acknowledge that my sister is not acting rationally in the myriad of slanderous things she says about me and most pointedly in banning me from seeing my niece, their main focus is staying neutral, not wanting rock the boat. So in this respect, even though I do get updates on my niece and reassurances that she's OK (thankfully) none of my family is willing to stand up to my sister to refute her lies or to say that my niece has a right to a relationship with her aunt. Having said this, I do understand from my own experience that standing up to S is usually counter-productive as she will not tolerate even the slightest criticism of anything she does or says, and the person standing up to her will probably end up being cast out like I am. So while I don't really blame my family, it is a tough and frustrating situation that I'm sure everyone can relate to here.

- in respect of my relationship with my mother outside of the situation with S. Mum and I do get along for the most part, however whatever time we spend together is almost always dictated by whatever is happening with my sister. One recent example: Mum and I were meant to be meeting last weekend for some shopping, lunch and a movie. When S found out that Mum was due to meet me she apparently threw a tantrum, and as a result Mum backed down for the sake of peace and cancelled our outing. Mum also buys into some of the stuff S says about me, I think she is so embroiled in the situation that it's hard for her to separate fact from fiction (not surprising).

- lastly, yes I have had counselling in the past and have recently begun seeing a new therapist (I've only recently returned to my home city of Sydney after living in London for a few years). Though I've been on antidepressants in the past I'm managing without them now. I do a lot of yoga and meditation which helps enormously, and though I am not in a relationship right now I am fortunate to have good friends (went through a divorce last year - not great on top of everything else but am coping fine with that now).

Anyway thank you so much for the links to the communication tools and boundaries, I will read through it all on my lunchbreak today. I have to say, just finding this community and reading other people's stories has made me feel stronger already. So thanks very much all. 

K xx

[ScarletOlive]

Hiya km1004,

Just wanted to join in on the welcome party and say that I'm glad you're here. Sorry things are tough right now. Many of us can relate to your story, so know that you're not alone.

It's good that you're taking care of yourself, and learning about boundaries. Keep up the good work, and keep posting! Murbay's links are soo helpful for communication. If you try em out, let us know how it goes. Take care!

[Grieving_Sister]

It's nice to meet you km1004. I'm sorry for what you're enduring.