A new mother in law

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really need to understand what I am dealing with here... . As I feel like I am walking on egg shells often, and find I am having to lie of the smallest of things, example is, where I am shopping... . It concerns her if I shop anywhere but walmart as they are the cheapest for example... .

Anyway, here is my story in short.

My meet my husband on line. We have been friends for 10 years and share similar interests... . We were not in the position to take our friendship any further for 8 years after we meet, as we were both in committed relationships. I was married. After my marriage of 27 years failed almost as if it was meant to be, my now husband also separated from a long time partner... . The timing was right for us to meet in person, we were clearly in love... . Phone calls every day to and From Australia, skype and we new we wanted to take this further, but having the funds to do this was another story. We had a plan 2 years, we would both save and I would come over then... .

Introduce my now mother inlaw into the picture... . She offered my husband to bring me over... . I was in shock, as I never knew they had the money to do this... . We were over the moon, he is an only child and has really been spoilt, getting most of what he wants in life, that included me... . I wrote her regally and we talked on the phone. While I was very happy, I was also a bit taken back. I did not want her to struggle and spend this money on me... . I told her I would repay her once I was working. There was no question, it was a gift and she did not need the money back... .

So the day arrives, I fly to the states, and meet my man, her son... . We fall even more in love, and I have stayed and since married him... . Life is wonderful... . A few days after I get here, my MIL, comes to meet me. Within 5 min we are out shopping. I bought all the clothes I needed but she felt I needed more. Again, I never wanted this. IT was to much of a gift. She spends over 1000 on me that day. Also took me to for a hair cut and was very very kind... . She has a wonderful heart... .

I started to see within a few weeks, she seemed to have an addiction to spending money, I was getting gifts in the mail weekly, expensive gifts... . I would thank her and she would tell me I was the daughter she never had, and her son was very happy thanks to me. She is a retired, much sort after business woman, who has done well in life... . She was having relationship problems with her siblings... . To the point she wanted to see one go to Jail. I was very confused, as I love my siblings, and regardless to what they did in life, I could never stop loving them... . But then they all made up, so I was happy for her. Since then there has been many more fights, but that's another story... .

I started to see traits in her, I thought we strange... . She got sick and needed surgery a few months after my arrival... . No doubt for me, I was going to look after her. As I dont drive in the states (yall drive on the wrong side of the road LOL) I stayed at her place for 4 weeks. She wanted me to stay longer, but I have a life here and wanted to be with my husband... . Her sister also came, and on fb, I would see posts about my beautiful sister looking after me in my hour of need... . No thank you to me, but thats ok, I didn't need it, I was happy to be there. Her sis and I are now close, and I found out my mother in law thought after everything she had done for me, I would have wanted to stay longer so was unhappy with me... .  

I also noticed she had a fear of being abandoned... . Yet she moved to another state... . Seemed silly... . At our wedding she says to us when we thanked them for everything "just so long as when the time is right, you will come and look after me"... . Her husband has also had cancer, I noticed she had no sympathy for him at all... . Lots of resentment built over the years tho. She is horrible to him all the time... . He is not a well man.

So my hubby and I go for a vacation to where they have moved too... . Daily she wanted us to spend every moment with them. We are newly weds and really wanted us time. He is a very hard worker, and we wanted to make the most of our time together... . She went on all week, and I mean ALL week, about how much better our lives would be there... . WE had known this was coming so ignored the ever growing suggestion of us moving there.

Then the last day of vacation came. Hubby depressed about having to go back to a Job he hates, the FL heat and just back to reality... . LIke it was planned we have dinner with her out. She offered now they have sold there FL home to buy us a house cash, we would sell our home here and pay them back. In this economy this could take some time. We came to 2 aggrmeants... .

1... . we wanted 2 weeks back home to concider this life changing offer

2... . we would not be coming for 1 year.

I need to get work and get back into the swing of things, also hubby wants to show me more of Floridas beauty... .

So we then agree on a date... . June fst 2014... .

We get home, Monday, husband goes to work, its a very hot day, and he is miserable... . She rings me "I hate to pressure you, but we have found a home, its a big beautiful home in the price range, a little above, but she will do it, but needs an answer right away... . I ring my man, he is all depressed about the heat and so on and says "ok, we will go for it" now remember we asked for 2 weeks? 

She bids on the house and we win it... . So very excited... . In one year, as arranged, we will start our new life there... . He gets a phone call from her, all lovely... . She does ask the earliest we can come. My guy tells her, June fst as planned... .

She says ok... . love you... . and the call ends... .

The next day, I check my emails... . I have the nastiest email I have every received... . The title is "do not contact me"

It goes threw what a disapointed her son is to her, how I have been a huge financial burden to her since before my arrival... . HOw she bought all new furniture for us, paid my medical bills and has bought me everything I own... . She even forgave my husbands ex, who she did not like as she use to stand up to her... . Claiming my husband thinks he is a prince... . She said she ASSUMED we would move up earlier and she is very unhappy, will not be flying us up for thanksgiving and not coming down for Christmas as she does not wish to spend any time with us... .

She wants no contact for some time, and to respect that... . She threaten, if I told my husband, that she would do everything in her power to make my life miserable from that point on

Well, I cried the rest of the day... . I wasnt even sure what I had done wrong, but I would not contact her. I showed my husband who answered with "she is nuts" I woke the next morning, angry as hell, and wanted my right of reply... . How ever thought better of that. I recieved 2 more nasty emails and a txt... . Does she think its ok to treat me any way she wants and I cant say a word? She did this in email, as to have total power. On the phone, I could introduce logic... .

I eventually write to her 3 days later after trying to call several time, saying if you dont answer the calls, or talk to us, we can not resolve anything. Nothing will change... . So threw email I sooth the beast within her... .

It was all I could do to hold it together, as I wanted to tell her YOU did all this for me and my husband, we had a deal, and YOU broke it... . The rules changed and I think ya crazy! But knew that would do nothing but enrage her more. She told me she was in an utter rage over it... . We tell her we will move earlier... . My husband was about to tell her as soon as I have my green card, I never let him do that. I refuse to give into her everytime she has a fit, as it sets a standard that I will do it always... .

I am so confused, as a few days after I get a txt "im at the fresh food markets, wish you were here sweetie" another one "go out and buy yourself something nice, I love you much" Hold on, she hated me to days ago... . I was a burden, now she wants me to buy myself something nice?

IT saddens me greatly as I really do love her, and its like Ive never seen this side of her, hatred and rage, but others have and warned me... . I figured she just has a bad temper, but there was so much more to this. The words she put out, can not be taken back, yet in her mind, everything is ok now... . I bought two books about BPD on the weekend and have read through them both already... . I feel she may be a sufferer of this, but not quite sure... .

What do you all thing

kind regards

[bewilded]

I really need to understand what I am dealing with here... . As I feel like I am walking on egg shells often, and find I am having to lie of the smallest of things, example is, where I am shopping... . It concerns her if I shop anywhere but walmart as they are the cheapest for example... .

Anyway, here is my story in short.

My meet my husband on line. We have been friends for 10 years and share similar interests... . We were not in the position to take our friendship any further for 8 years after we meet, as we were both in committed relationships. I was married. After my marriage of 27 years failed almost as if it was meant to be, my now husband also separated from a long time partner... . The timing was right for us to meet in person, we were clearly in love... . Phone calls every day to and From Australia, skype and we new we wanted to take this further, but having the funds to do this was another story. We had a plan 2 years, we would both save and I would come over then... .

Introduce my now mother inlaw into the picture... . She offered my husband to bring me over... . I was in shock, as I never knew they had the money to do this... . We were over the moon, he is an only child and has really been spoilt, getting most of what he wants in life, that included me... . I wrote her regally and we talked on the phone. While I was very happy, I was also a bit taken back. I did not want her to struggle and spend this money on me... . I told her I would repay her once I was working. There was no question, it was a gift and she did not need the money back... .

So the day arrives, I fly to the states, and meet my man, her son... . We fall even more in love, and I have stayed and since married him... . Life is wonderful... . A few days after I get here, my MIL, comes to meet me. Within 5 min we are out shopping. I bought all the clothes I needed but she felt I needed more. Again, I never wanted this. IT was to much of a gift. She spends over 1000 on me that day. Also took me to for a hair cut and was very very kind... . She has a wonderful heart... .

I started to see within a few weeks, she seemed to have an addiction to spending money, I was getting gifts in the mail weekly, expensive gifts... . I would thank her and she would tell me I was the daughter she never had, and her son was very happy thanks to me. She is a retired, much sort after business woman, who has done well in life... . She was having relationship problems with her siblings... . To the point she wanted to see one go to Jail. I was very confused, as I love my siblings, and regardless to what they did in life, I could never stop loving them... . But then they all made up, so I was happy for her. Since then there has been many more fights, but that's another story... .

I started to see traits in her, I thought we strange... . She got sick and needed surgery a few months after my arrival... . No doubt for me, I was going to look after her. As I dont drive in the states (yall drive on the wrong side of the road LOL) I stayed at her place for 4 weeks. She wanted me to stay longer, but I have a life here and wanted to be with my husband... . Her sister also came, and on fb, I would see posts about my beautiful sister looking after me in my hour of need... . No thank you to me, but thats ok, I didn't need it, I was happy to be there. Her sis and I are now close, and I found out my mother in law thought after everything she had done for me, I would have wanted to stay longer so was unhappy with me... .  

I also noticed she had a fear of being abandoned... . Yet she moved to another state... . Seemed silly... . At our wedding she says to us when we thanked them for everything "just so long as when the time is right, you will come and look after me"... . Her husband has also had cancer, I noticed she had no sympathy for him at all... . Lots of resentment built over the years tho. She is horrible to him all the time... . He is not a well man.

So my hubby and I go for a vacation to where they have moved too... . Daily she wanted us to spend every moment with them. We are newly weds and really wanted us time. He is a very hard worker, and we wanted to make the most of our time together... . She went on all week, and I mean ALL week, about how much better our lives would be there... . WE had known this was coming so ignored the ever growing suggestion of us moving there.

Then the last day of vacation came. Hubby depressed about having to go back to a Job he hates, the FL heat and just back to reality... . LIke it was planned we have dinner with her out. She offered now they have sold there FL home to buy us a house cash, we would sell our home here and pay them back. In this economy this could take some time. We came to 2 aggrmeants... .

1... . we wanted 2 weeks back home to concider this life changing offer

2... . we would not be coming for 1 year.

I need to get work and get back into the swing of things, also hubby wants to show me more of Floridas beauty... .

So we then agree on a date... . June fst 2014... .

We get home, Monday, husband goes to work, its a very hot day, and he is miserable... . She rings me "I hate to pressure you, but we have found a home, its a big beautiful home in the price range, a little above, but she will do it, but needs an answer right away... . I ring my man, he is all depressed about the heat and so on and says "ok, we will go for it" now remember we asked for 2 weeks? 

She bids on the house and we win it... . So very excited... . In one year, as arranged, we will start our new life there... . He gets a phone call from her, all lovely... . She does ask the earliest we can come. My guy tells her, June fst as planned... .

She says ok... . love you... . and the call ends... .

The next day, I check my emails... . I have the nastiest email I have every received... . The title is "do not contact me"

It goes threw what a disapointed her son is to her, how I have been a huge financial burden to her since before my arrival... . HOw she bought all new furniture for us, paid my medical bills and has bought me everything I own... . She even forgave my husbands ex, who she did not like as she use to stand up to her... . Claiming my husband thinks he is a prince... . She said she ASSUMED we would move up earlier and she is very unhappy, will not be flying us up for thanksgiving and not coming down for Christmas as she does not wish to spend any time with us... .

She wants no contact for some time, and to respect that... . She threaten, if I told my husband, that she would do everything in her power to make my life miserable from that point on

Well, I cried the rest of the day... . I wasnt even sure what I had done wrong, but I would not contact her. I showed my husband who answered with "she is nuts" I woke the next morning, angry as hell, and wanted my right of reply... . How ever thought better of that. I recieved 2 more nasty emails and a txt... . Does she think its ok to treat me any way she wants and I cant say a word? She did this in email, as to have total power. On the phone, I could introduce logic... .

I eventually write to her 3 days later after trying to call several time, saying if you dont answer the calls, or talk to us, we can not resolve anything. Nothing will change... . So threw email I sooth the beast within her... .

It was all I could do to hold it together, as I wanted to tell her YOU did all this for me and my husband, we had a deal, and YOU broke it... . The rules changed and I think ya crazy! But knew that would do nothing but enrage her more. She told me she was in an utter rage over it... . We tell her we will move earlier... . My husband was about to tell her as soon as I have my green card, I never let him do that. I refuse to give into her everytime she has a fit, as it sets a standard that I will do it always... .

I am so confused, as a few days after I get a txt "im at the fresh food markets, wish you were here sweetie" another one "go out and buy yourself something nice, I love you much" Hold on, she hated me to days ago... . I was a burden, now she wants me to buy myself something nice?

IT saddens me greatly as I really do love her, and its like Ive never seen this side of her, hatred and rage, but others have and warned me... . I figured she just has a bad temper, but there was so much more to this. The words she put out, can not be taken back, yet in her mind, everything is ok now... . I bought two books about BPD on the weekend and have read through them both already... . I feel she may be a sufferer of this, but not quite sure... .

What do you all thing

kind regards

[GeekyGirl]

Hi bewilded,

I can understand your confusion--your MIL does seem to cycle through moods pretty rapidly, from what you've said. That can be very difficult to deal with. On top of that, you've been through a lot of change, which isn't easy. 

What does your husband say about her recent behavior? You attempted to set some healthy boundaries with your MIL by stating the conditions for your move and it sounds like your MIL didn't want to accept them. You mentioned that you're targeting June 2014 to move in with your MIL. Is that still your plan?

It's possible that your MIL has BPD. At the very least, the behavior you described is worrisome. What have you learned through the BPD books that you could try with your MIL?

[bewilded]

Hello, and thanks for you're response... .

My husband says he has watched her go down hill over the years... . She tends to get very confused and basically hear what she wants to hear... .

She is a good person, and has a great heart. Does lots for us, but so many strings attached. We have decided as of last night we will move to our new home near her just after Christmas, but that's more for us than her... .

I think the things I noticed before I started reading up on BPD that worried me about her was... .

When she got sick, after she was home and I was staying there, she was back in hospital 3 times. She was able to do this because she went to the best hospital in Miami, and her out of pocket expense was $80.000 OMG! (Im use to free health care ) Im an RN and noticed she would have symptoms that I didn't think fitted, but she was a better judge of what she felt than I was... . She needed to feel safe, and having me there at first did that, but then the weeks that followed, she needed to feel she was getting constant support from Doctors... . I put it down to her worry about the surgery she had, had.

The other is her constant feeling of abandonment, like I said, I noticed this before doing any reading... . up to 3 times a day, she would say "you and ^&*, will come look after me wont you if needed" bare in mind she moved to another State... . I would always reassure her, we would be there for her... .  

With this move up and coming, she twisted things so badly, I started to question, if we had done something wrong, Id love to post the emails she sent for you all to read, and you would see what I mean... .

One thing I did learn from the books that stands out clearly is boundaries... . Tho going to be very had to set with her... . An example is, she emailed me, she does not like to talk on the phone often, as I think in email she can express her anger and she holds the power... .

"when you come here, we are only 5 min away, we can have lunches and dinners together as often as we like"

I emailed back

"I am very much looking forward to spending time with you both, we will have to set aside one night a week, where you come to our house, or we come to yours... . Seeing you once a week will be awesome, as now its only once every 3 months"

I didn't get any response for a day, so I started to worry a bit, then I get one back, very calm that said "once a week is better than nothing"

I didn't want to hurt her, but neither of us, want to spend 3 nights a week together ... . So I felt I had to set that boundary... .

I think if she does have BPD (from what I read) she is high functioning, and very intelligent, so think she handles it well, most of the time, even though her sister does not agree with me on that.

Im new to the family, and for a while was a the golden haired girl, could do no wrong... . But my halo has now slipped

[atcrossroads]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to say, but you have a life of misery ahead if you move anywhere close to her and if you and your husband don't establish boundaries with this monster-in-law.  Many parts of your story ring true with my own experience with my BPD MIL.  I am now going through a divorce with my husband who thinks his mom is a nut job but who also has always had a weird love/hate relationship with her.  She can be mean as a snake and turn around and be sweet as pie - so fake.  I have never liked her.  To the public (her former co-workers) she is the sweetest little lady -- well, that's BS. 

My husband also has BPD/NPD traits and that has led to our divorce.  Funny thing is, the last few years he realized his mom was the source of a lot of his anger issues, but now that we are splitting she is his #1 confidant.  It's creepy.

We live a few hours away -- I cannot imagine how horrible it would have been to live in the same town.

Read up on BPD as much as you can, share the info gently with your husband (tricky b/c it's his mom; he will naturally want to defend her), and study up on BOUNDARIES.  BOUNDARIES -firm boundaries- are the one thing that will save you with this woman. 

I don't even know what to suggest about the house... . my heart goes out to you.  Sending you strength and a pinch of luck.  Hang in there.

[ScarletOlive]

An example is, she emailed me, she does not like to talk on the phone often, as I think in email she can express her anger and she holds the power... .

"when you come here, we are only 5 min away, we can have lunches and dinners together as often as we like"

I emailed back

"I am very much looking forward to spending time with you both, we will have to set aside one night a week, where you come to our house, or we come to yours... . Seeing you once a week will be awesome, as now its only once every 3 months"

It sounds like you handled that very well. You told her you're excited, laid out your expectations, and explained why it would be rewarding. Your reply reminded me a lot of the communication techniques that we encourage here! This link explains them a bit more:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

How does your MIL respond when you set boundaries? They really are important in maintaining our own lives and not letting ourselves be ruled by drama. I'm not sure if you've seen this link, but it explains how to set boundaries and it's really helpful. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Sending you lots of caring and support for your day.