third week NC and she has started texting and ringing

[tomjon78]

Well it´s been NC for me and our last conversations ended up in her saying she wouldn´t ever want to talk to me again and threatened me in some ways.

I have been feeling a lot better but yesterday I had about 25 missed calls from her (i have her blocked on my mobile and she only gets the busy signal)

She texted me af few texts, she wanted to meet me and talk to me about our breakup. She said she is not happy in the way i see her and wants to end it in a nice way... . whatever that means.

I have not responded but I thought she would stop contacting me so I´m a bit worried whats going on with her

Should I answer her? or stick to NC. I think I should not answer her.

[Rameses]

DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY.

No matter what you say to her, it will be the same old song and dance.

You will feel worse and take many steps back in your healing.

Call your phone company and get her blocked from ever getting through.

Don`t break your NC streak, it`s the hardest but the fastest way to recovery.

Remember, her contacting you is not about you, it`s always about her and what she needs right now.

Take care of yourself, I know it`s hard and somehow we rationalize that this time maybe they will "get it", but they won`t

they are just not wired that way.

Be strong and don`t get tricked back into the web.

Rameses

[jollygreen]

I had a similar situation here, after a month and a half of not seeing her face she called and left a voice mail to meet up. I was gun ho about no contact. So I did not reply back. After talking to my aunt (who also has a personality disorder) she got me to thinking about giving it a second chance. I thought about it and how my BPD exgf's voice sounded sad and remorseful on the voice mail. She called 3 days after, again I didn't pickup because I was so confused on what to do. She left a voice mail saying " if you don't call back I'll take it as you don't want to talk anymore." So the next day I thought more about and decided I'll give her a second try and called she didn't answer, playing some phone games and texted an excuse. Finally got ahold of her to set up a time and place to meet. On my way to meet up with her I had this feeling that she was going to put the blame on me, argue, and bring up all the wrong that I did just like before she split. Sure enough! She did the same thing, and I backed my self up and told her my point of view. She wouldn't have any way but hers and in the end broke it off, said she loved me, and wanted to be friends. I said no and couldn't be friends with someone I was going to spend my life with she was angry with that, we hugged and left. And that's the last I've seen or talked to her. It hurt me a lot after that, it pretty much brought me all the way back to day one again in my emotional state. So I guess what I'm saying is go with your gut, if you think it's going to go a certain way it probably will. But you need to make that decision for you man. I just wanted you to hear my situation. 2 months later I've gone on a couple dates, know I'm not ready yet, but am starting to feel better about me.

[tomjon78]

UPDATE!


One hour ago she showed up at my house and rang the bell for 10 minutes. She saw me in the window and shouted my name but I didnt answer and then she texted me "i just want to talk and be friends".

This is freaking me out... .

[Rameses]

Why would you want to be friends with someone who continues to cross your boundries... . THAT`S WHAT THEY DO!... . no sane person would show up at your house after you made it clear that you want no contact.

Stand firm and get the law involved if you need to, now were talking about coming on your privatre property uninvited.

Some might say, that is harsh, no, what is harsh is that they think they can do anything they want to us, because we will take it, I mean we did in the past, and they are so darn persisitant, they try and wear us down, again THAT`S WHAT THEY DO!

And the real sad trhing is, they don`t think there is anything wrong with what there doing, we are the ones being mean.

Somewhere along the line we have to play hardball, erect a wall to keep yourself in and protected, the greater the disrespect of our boundries, the higher the wall.

[jollygreen]

You can't talk to crazy. Wow this freaky! Might be something to call the police soon. Learn from Jodi Arias .

[Clearmind]

The issue with after break up chats is that tend to be invalidating for you!  BPD is a blaming disorder and when I met up with my ex I was blamed for all in sundry!

Her behavior is not predatory - BPD is a shame based disorder - she wants to reliquish her feelings of inadequacy and is using tomjon to self soothe - because she cannot do it herself. Its kinder to her to allow her to move through these feelings on her own - we are a trigger.

What feelings come up for you tomjon? Lets not dismiss your hurt by concentrating on her desperation - that is a little too easy  !

[Suzn]

One hour ago she showed up at my house and rang the bell for 10 minutes. She saw me in the window and shouted my name but I didnt answer and then she texted me "i just want to talk and be friends".

This is freaking me out... .

tomjon I can see you are concerned. Ok, she came to your door and knocked. Not against the law, unless there's a RO. You didn't answer. Not against the law either. Did she leave without you answering peacefully? 

[babyducks]

tomjon,

I can understand how disturbing it must be to see yet more evidence of her disordered thinking, especially at a time when you yourself are dealing with grief, hurt and anger.  that has to be hard.

I know that when my EX turns up unexpectedly it does tend to cause some internal panic for me.  which does not create a good environment for either of us.

I do think it is important to consider your safety while keeping things in perspective. 

What would be the best thing for you here tomjon?   Could you be cordial but distant?  Could you talk with her and keep your boundaries in place?   I remember you telling us a few weeks ago how she entered your bedroom by climbing through the window and the outcome of that visit.

my suggestions, and they are only suggestions,  safety first, if you feel physically threatened act on that,  if she some how tracks you down, stay cordial but distant and disinterested,  extract yourself as soon as possible.   it has been my experience that long conversations with my EX are very counter productive.  take care of yourself first, don't become too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired which causes heightened reactivity.

be well

babyducks

[Murbay]

Tomjon, there has been a lot of valuable advice on this thread but ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you.

Having been on this site and contributing through your own posts and reading those of others, you are far more informed as to what exactly you are dealing with and there are many people who have experienced similar situations and the outcomes of those too.

Right now your ex is feeling a lot of shame and guilt attached to the way things ended. She is also feeling that abandonment and rather than facing up to her own feelings, she is looking to you to make things better. If she was on a path to healing, she wouldn't have the need to do that so there is a red flag right there.

The next stage for her would be to project all of those feelings of shame and guilt back on to you, make you feel the break-up was all your fault and that you were not deserving of her. That is what she is really wanting and needing right now because she can't handle the feelings she is having. So by projecting it all back on to you, she takes more steps towards her disordered healing but it pushes you back in yours. Not her concern, as long as she feels good about herself that's all she is interested in. The "talk" is to tell you of everything that "you" did wrong and why "you" are the bad person. Can you honestly say that a friendship could develop from that?

The way I rationalised this in my head when initially being contacted, was that if the disordered person in your life sought out treatment for themselves because they wanted to. Several years down the line were in a good healthy place at how far they had come, were able to internalise those feelings and realise how their behaviours contributed to the way that things had gone. Then they approached you to talk about things and the possibility of a friendship, that's when you can look at the possibility and maybe hear what they have to say.

I understand your concerns with the phonecalls and especially her coming around to the house and I commend you for the strength and resolve you showed not to bow to the pressure. If this continues though, you might want to look at the possibility of getting a restraining order in order to take care and protect your own health and well being.

Stay focused on you and your own health.

[tomjon78]

Hi everyone... . Yes i´m quite concerned actually. I have tried so many things to stop this. I meet up with my therapist weekly and he said to me: 100% NC would be the case. She is loosing grip and everytime we engage it either ends in an argument or she wants to tell me something for her emotional release.

I have been feeling a lot better after NC but yesterday I when she was at my bell i got an panic attack closed the bedroom door and just put the pillow over my head. She was shouting my name outside (but not in an angry tone). This was about 10 minutes. I called my brother who talked me down from my panic.

I called my therapist and he said I should not talk to her. She is an expert in emotional talking and probably even wants to seduce me. who knows?

This morning i got the following text:

"HI, i was just coming over yesterday and wanted to talk to you and end things peacefully, you have lied and made stories about me and, you were the one who wanted to end this peacefully before. I am without my children today and tomorrow so you can call me anytime. If you will not reply this message, then I will take it you will not want to talk to me again and stay angry with me" Best regards, xxxx

Of course in a normal break up I would talk to her. But talking to her will only make me feel bad. She was the one who texted me 3 weeks ago that she never wanted to see or hear from me again and threatened to send emails to a few people, including my boss that I was lying and telling conspiracy stories about her... . which I am not, to be clear! I just told her that I knew she had contact with her ex during our relationship and she has admitted that, but all of a sudden she doesn´t... . really don´t get her behaviour.

And I think talking to her and having boundaries can be dangerous... . But, just seeing her infront of my house made me feel a cocktail of emotions: hurt, missing, scared, clueless and so on.

[Validation78]

Hi Tomjon!

I can totally understand how her attempts cause you anxiety! I still get a shiver up my spine when I have any exposure to my exBPDh via email, text, or phone. I have managed to get it under control by a lot of self talk, and by taking pride in my ability to be consistent.

My rules of engagement have been quite simple. Until the divorce, communication from me via email only, and only about business. Now that divorce is final NOTHING. He has attempted to call, text, email before and after, sweet talk to threats. I have not and will not respond. It's all an attempt to engage me, and I will not partake, now or ever. Don't get me wrong, a normal knee jerk reaction upon receiving character assassinations, and threats would be to defend yourself. Don't forget, those closest to us know how to get to us. You must be strong and resist. Stay one step ahead, and before you react, ask yourself how responding would help. Trust me when I tell you, it won't!

My T was very validating in our discussion just last night. I have become boring to him. Why? I have been consistent with NC. Despite his creative attempts to get to me, I have not bitten. It made me proud of myself. I know I have a strong will, and even under great pressure, I have shown great strength to resist my impulse to defend myself. The greater good is the result. He has tapered off in attempts to contact me, and knows he cannot get to me anymore.

You can do this too. Reward yourself today for not giving in last night. Congratulations for staying strong! Every day you stick to your commitment to NC is a day to celebrate, and another step towards freedom!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Suzn]

I second what Val has shared. NC is for us, to help with getting the emotions and the anxiety under control. To be in a healthier place ourselves. I understand your anxiety, I lived in fear for some time after the break. There is this raw feeling for some time after. Seeing them sends those shocks into the pit of our stomachs. I found that to be the unpredictability of my situation, always walking on eggshells not knowing what is going to happen next. So, always on alert. Without the skills necessary and without a strong sense of our being that's a dangerous way to exist. It causes all sorts of self doubt and guilt.

Self talk is asuridly a weapon against our own thoughts. Reminding yourself you are in control of you. No one has that control but you. When I finally let go of that fear, and it took a while, the anxiety went away. The contact attempts went away too. It's like when I stopped thinking about her and the r/s she disappeared. Poof, gone. This is how it went in my case, I know contact attempts have happened with some long after however I think, as Val says, when someone realizes you won't bite they eventually hang those carrots somewhere else.

You started that realization for her yesterday. Good for you for reaching for your resources, your T and coming here. This is you taking care of you. 

[Murbay]

This morning i got the following text:

"HI, i was just coming over yesterday and wanted to talk to you and end things peacefully, you have lied and made stories about me and, you were the one who wanted to end this peacefully before. I am without my children today and tomorrow so you can call me anytime. If you will not reply this message, then I will take it you will not want to talk to me again and stay angry with me" Best regards, xxxx

Tomjon, that message says it all. Those last couple of words is something I would hear quite a lot which would then get me frustrated and I couldn't figure out why. It was because it was fulfilling a prophecy in terms of when I heard them, it was over something ridiculous and I wasn't angry. However, being dictated to what your feelings are is a form of control, which is frustrating in itself and therefore can lead you to being angry and they win 

In other words, telling you that if you don't reply or speak to her means that you are angry is exactly what she is asking for. It justifies her thinking because she can tell people you must be angry with her. It is ALL about her.

Where we get trapped in the cycle, and something I have been guilty of doing myself, is justifying our feelings. Nobody thinks twice about explaining they are not angry but doing that in this context means you would break your NC and therefore engage. The pattern I see clearly now is that during the relationship, when I would justify my feelings by saying I wasn't angry and that I was disappointed or I was sad but accepted that certain things happen. It opened the door for more abuse or to keep pushing buttons until you were angry and then be hit with "See, I told you that you were angry with me"

The whole message you received is full of red flags. There is the projection of blame, there are false accusations, there is trying to put the ball firmly in your court to justify her thinking. I'm not familiar with your situation regarding the children but it's also a funny statement to make to let you know she is without the children today and tomorrow to call. Finally there is the is the assumption of your own feelings and the element of control associated with that.

Oh the joys of BPD relationships

[tomjon78]

Thank you all for your words... . they really help. I´ve been really fatigued today. Didn´t sleep well and my stomach aches and I didn´t go to work. Just seeing a glimpse of her face out the window got me upset and even though I have been feeling better.

I also feel i´ve gone a few steps back after she´s reaching out for me. I feel a mix of two things: dissapointed she has not given up, and some false believe she might be coming and saying she´s sorry. But it´s never been that way and propably never will.

But i´m proud of myself not responding and actually hope she will find someone else who she can concentrate on, or even someone who can make her happy. I don´t wish her harm even though she betrayed me. I deserve better. But I do love her even after all she´s done, but can´t be with her and that´s the painful part. The good times can not outweigh the bad times.

I guess it´s just waiting time, but I will stay strong. It´s just really draining and painful.