Is it possible that I'm a BPD waif?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey guys,

I've been taking a lot of guidance from 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' I've definitely identified my mother as a BPD Queen she fits it down to a t. Today I started wondering if she had damaged me and made me a little bit borderline as well? I tried to be as objective as possible, looking at traits that my friends have pointed out I have. I read the waif section and I did see some similarities with my personality, although I am a strong person I don't take rejection well, I can feel quite sorry for myself and really take it to heart if someone mistreats me. if I were to have BPD I think I would most likely be a waif... . its worrying, could I have BPD and if I do how do I diagnose or get help?

Sorry for the weird post I just have had such a difficult time dealing with my mothers behaviour I'd never forgive myself if I treated other people in my life badly without acknowledging it... .

[zubizou87]

Hey guys,

I've been taking a lot of guidance from 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' I've definitely identified my mother as a BPD Queen she fits it down to a t. Today I started wondering if she had damaged me and made me a little bit borderline as well? I tried to be as objective as possible, looking at traits that my friends have pointed out I have. I read the waif section and I did see some similarities with my personality, although I am a strong person I don't take rejection well, I can feel quite sorry for myself and really take it to heart if someone mistreats me. if I were to have BPD I think I would most likely be a waif... . its worrying, could I have BPD and if I do how do I diagnose or get help?

Sorry for the weird post I just have had such a difficult time dealing with my mothers behaviour I'd never forgive myself if I treated other people in my life badly without acknowledging it... .

[mommasa]

I think if you have the self-awareness to ask if you might have BPD, then you probably don't have it. i am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I think all of us suffer from emotional and psychological issues due to being raised in a completely invalidating environment; if you have the ability; maybe talk to a counselor so you can start working on any issues you may be dealing with due to being raised by a BPDmom; but i wouldn't worry too much about being borderline unless a professional has diagnosed you as such! 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi zubizou,

It's good that you're looking at yourself and trying to see how your actions affect others--that can be a tough thing to do. 

Many people who grew up with a BPD parent have BPD traits, and some do develop BPD themselves. The best way to find out if you have BPD is (you probably guessed it), to see a professional. BPD is treatable. One of the most effective treatments for BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (or DBT): BPD: Treatments, Cures. Many members here have benefitted from DBT.

Understanding the Borderline Mother was a real eye-opening read for me too. At the very least, it's worth meeting with a T to find out how you can improve yourself and it might give you some peace of mind.

[shamrock]

I think EVERYONE has some BPD traits but with normal people they are very managable.

Also you did not say your sex but girls learn by copying their mothers so you my have some learnt BPD behaviours

[Rusalka]

I am so sorry I don't know how to link it, but there is an article in the resources around here that has a list of traits that adults who were shamed as children (as the BPD tends to do) and those things you listed I believe are on there. It means less that you have BPD and just that you were raised by one so learned those behaviors. Like the person above me said, if you are self aware enough to think you have BPD, you probably don't (but I'm not a professional either)

[Cordelia]

zubizou87, whether your traits are strong enough to be diagnosable as BPD or they can be categorized as "fleas" (dysfunctional learned behaviors we picked up as children) matters less than what you said here:

I just have had such a difficult time dealing with my mothers behaviour I'd never forgive myself if I treated other people in my life badly without acknowledging it... .

I've met people on these boards who were diagnosed with BPD and did so much work on themselves they were more functional and self-aware than some that did not have the diagnosis.  In my opinion, the most important trait any of us can have is a commitment to knowing ourselves and treating ourselves and others with compassion and respect.  I would advise anyone who grew up with a BPD parent to talk to a professional who has expertise in the area and who you can see yourself developing a therapeutic relationship with over the long term.  Therapy has been hugely helpful for me.  And as a non-professional, I have a sense that the lines between a BPD Waif and "simple" depression are a little unclear.  The sense of hopelessness and helplessness, the dependence and lack of motivation... . sometimes in my mom's case I see more manipulative intent behind it and then I lean towards thinking of her as BPD, other times it seems she was just overwhelmed by such intense emotions she couldn't function normally, and then I lean towards thinking of her as just extremely depressed.  Really the label is not as important as the behavior, and a behavior we picked up unconsciously is not as important as what we as individuals decide to do differently in the future.

So don't worry too much about the diagnosis, but do start the search for a professional who can help you through whatever distress you are dealing with.  And good for you for keeping the focus on yourself and your own healing!  It sounds to me that although you may be in a dark place right now, some part of you has turned the corner and is ready for a happier future.   

[Clearmind]

I certainly had traits but that doesnt make me BPD. BPD is a pervasive pattern of behavior and across many facets of life including interpersonal relationships.

Meet our resident  - our own set of issues that surface as a result of a having a BPD parent!

Its likely you grew up in an emotionally invalidating environment where you needs where placed on the sideline ---> pushes the 'not good enough' button - this can be fixed.

Are you seeking therapy?

[zubizou87]

Thanks for your advice guys, I know self awareness is important and keeping an eye on the way you treat other people. Sometimes I can be a bit mean or goading to my boyfriend; I don't mean to be unkind I was just taught that was how you treated people you love. I know that when I've gone a bit far he'll let me know, even though I haven't really hurt him if we say something that had a negative effect on one another we always apologize to each other. I suppose that's what you would call a flea?

It's scary to think if I hadn't found out about BPD at such a young age I could have very easily become a waif, as I was much more Waifish as a child. I was quite depressed, very sensitive, scared to go outside, I didn't socialize and I spent a lot of time on the internet as an escape. Now I feel much healthier, braver and I have a good circle of friends who look out for me. Also I love to travel which is something I never did much of before the age of 18.

I would really love to do therapy, as I still need a lot of help and haven't really decided on a career that would suit me. The problem though is finding the right therapist, which may take some time. I'd be interested to know, how all of your experiences of finding a therapist were?

[Clearmind]

A BPD parent has a bucket load of needs - as a child you become second - its likely you were wanting for attention zub - understandably.

Fleas are our issues - developed in direct effect to having grown up in a BPD household - any ideas how your childhood has shaped your adulthood - to heal breaking this down would be a good place to start.

My therapist has experience with BPD.

[Murbay]

zubizou87, I have to agree with the statements on this board as it was how my T identified the pwBPD in our relationship.

My ex went to my T telling him I had BPD and I went to him telling him I thought I had BPD. Why? Because I recognised some of the traits I did have which turned out to be fleas. My ex on the other hand hit every marker for BPD and NPD but was firmly in denial.

Chances are, you do have fleas and a good therapist will certainly be able to help you through that. Like many others have said on these boards, if you are self aware enough to think you suffer from BPD, the chances are you don't have it. pwBPD project their issues onto others because they don't have the capability to step forward and accept it because the shame is too much for them. Most only become aware after repeated diagnosis and even then, a large majority still that diagnosis.

What you have described about yourself certainly fits some of the fleas but the largest part of what you have discussed is very similar to many people on these boards who have lived with a person with BPD. There are core issues there which a T will definitely be able to help you with and that is perhaps the best starting point for you.

I hope this aids you in not feeling as worried or anxious because there is certainly light at the end of the tunnel. As for the right kind of therapist, you need to find someone you are comfortable with. Mine doesn't specialise in BPD but is highly decorated and has over 30 years experience so there is nothing he hadn't come across before. He was able to diagnose my ex in just 3 sessions with her but had suspicions after his first appointment with her.

For me personally, it was about finding someone with a lot of experience rather than someone who specialised because I didn't have a clue what BPD was at the time. Also, so much had been projected on to me that I honestly believed I was the issue. So wanted someone who would see through the lies and manipulation because of experience and not on what they were being told.

[Cordelia]

I'd be interested to know, how all of your experiences of finding a therapist were?

It took me a few tries.  I found someone who specialized in BPD through my college insurance network, but he wasn't really interested in seeing me.  I suspect he was interested in tougher cases - people who have major challenges making it through each day.  I was living independently and fairly functionally, despite my lingering pain from childhood, plus I had the non habit of reassuring anyone who is there to help me that I was fine, just fine, and didn't need any help, thank you.  He referred me to a colleague somewhat dismissively (I'm still a little offended if you can't tell ) but I really hit it off with her and still see her to this day.  She didn't take my reassurances that I was doing just fine at face value, and was patient enough to work with me to get to the real issues I needed to work on. At first it was fairly intense, diving into some painful issues from the past, but now I'm at a point where I've realized that I've repressed as much happiness as I have pain, and so my sessions with her are often full of laughter, which is something I never expected from therapy.  So my advice would be don't give up if the first person you see doesn't work out, when you do find the right person it's totally worth the wait.