Post break-up and NC for almost 3 weeks -- insomnia? anxiety?

[Granum]

The mind can play clever tricks. 

It has been since 1st of June since NC.  I initiated the break-up and NC, and since then I have felt strong and good, but noticed I have a habit of needing to be on these boards before going to bed, or reading about some other aspect of his illness - whether it is BPD, alcoholism, PTSD, or what (he has all three +).  I would also re-read some of our emails back and forth during one of our many recycling periods.  It helps me to put it all in perspective.  When I told him we were done in May/June, I told him if he would get into serious ongoing recovery, only then would I be there for him. Only then we could talk.

I thought I was doing great, preparing for my move to a new city to start a new job.  I did not long for him, in fact was getting to point of "what in god's name kept me there so long?"  I no longer felt "in love" with him, and realized as soon as March, I was still regularly telling him I loved him.  Did I? I don't even remember anymore.  I just realized we just passed our June 16 anniversary, and nary a blip. From either of us.

Facebook, I've decided, is also evil, and can play tricks on the mind.  I always felt his ex prior to me was lurking in background somewhere.  She was young -23--, and while she broke it off with him, she did young stupid things on FB which seemed designed to get a rise out of him.  I used to not believe him, but now I see he is probably right.  She was overseas, and she had cut off contact with him only 3 mths before we met.   She was a sore spot during our relationship -- as he had reached out to her via email (I learned much later) mournfully asking why it ended.  When I discovered this, I felt deeply betrayed, not the least of why bc he was so much work!  And I felt I was putting a lot on the line for us.  I realize his reaching out to an ex while we were together --this is typical BPD behavior. unfortunately it is common with non's as well.

anyway - like a high schooler (meaning me even bothering to look, i know that is my thing) - i could see she was posting things from their past relationship on her FB for public consumption-- her love for him, how much she missed him, etc.  all posts from a year before my BPD and i even met, but she was making the posts "newly" public; seemingly designed to make him miss the love relationship all the more.  it is clear she had changed some of the privacy settings on her fb page to "public" so these could be seen.  by him? by me?    but my mind went to dark places, and i wondered what so many others on these boards wonder - did he even love me when we were together? was I just filling a spot? was this ex his true thing? even as I write this, i also know he caused her tremendous pain, and while i do not know the extent of his acting out with her, i know she did block him for a year (they had a long distance overseas relationship), and within a month's time, one post from her talked of her undying love for him, and a month later it was over and she was posting Adele songs. 

he admitted to me being heartbroken for a bit, overlapping into our relationship.  BPD or no - i cannot blame this, but I have to stop my crazy mind from going to a place to believing that he was perfect to her, and she to him, and he wasn't to me, he wasn't for us.  i rationally know his behavior was bad to her in the end, as it was with me.  she seemed to enjoy a longer idealization phase, while our problems started within the first month.  all of this seems silly as i write it -- i just feel like i have bad thinking in my head when i thought i was recovering from it so nicely --- and i realize there is still much work to do to get rid of all the  ticks. 

another signal that i am still wrestling emotionally with the aftermath -- insomnia and feelings of anxiety.  i have attributed my anxiety to starting a new job in a new city.  but i think there must be remnants of this year-long relationship from hell experience. nightly i cannot sleep until 2-3 am -- and awaken in the morning later than I want to. maybe i should not read about BPD before going to bed! haha.  i have never had insomnia prior to this time.  always slept like a baby.

anyway -- i was so stony for awhile about him - no mourning, no crying over latest break-up.  relieved to be seeing him for the messed up person he is, and knowing that I do not want to have that in my life and CHOOSE to make the leap of faith that I WILL find a healthy partnership.  but maybe my body and mind are just dealing with the loss in a different way. i think about the version of him -- the fairy tale version that i fell in love with - the man i have in my many photos of him.  he is incredibly handsome (or was) - he looks like a young dashing Harrison Ford, including the adventuresome side.  and i look at that guy and realize he is an illusion like in so many fashion magazines.  he is not real. or at least that is not all he is.   

during some of our last interactions before NC, he sent photos of himself having a grand time at his beach town where he is spending the summer.  he looked so terrible, like the drinking and the chain-smoking and the disorder(s) had just ravaged him.  I could barely look at the photos as he looked a shade of his former self.  he looked a hair away from homeless, or someone you would shy away from on the street.  not the catnip he used to be.  not to be shallow, but i think my physical attraction to him kept me in place longer than i may have otherwise. 

i am not sure what i am trying to say, other than maybe to blurt this out so I can get on with my day, and get some work done.  (!) These fb posts from his ex tied me in knots last night/today -- made me think she is trying to reconcile with him - which made my temperature climb. made me think so that is why he has not tried to reconcile like he has so many times in the past.  but the truth is -- whether it is happening or not - is IRRELEVANT to my own journey, as I know to my core he is not a healthy enough human being to be in a good relationship with anyone. 

Thx for listening.  I am interested to know if anyone else had perhaps not the "usual" feelings of grief after their break-up from their BPD, and if their emotions manifested in weird different ways after they thought they might be "over" it.

Thx,

Granum

[Validation78]

Hi Granum!

I think it sounds like you are doing remarkably well in a short time! It's not out of the ordinary for something to come out of the blue and trigger something in us. It's usually when we least expect it. There are stages that we have to go through in order to progress in the healing process, and each step is different for each of us as to the length of time it takes, and the intensity of the emotions that are evoked. Have you read through the 5 stages of detachment to the right? I found them very helpful. There's also a lot of other information on the site that you may find beneficial as well.

Just so you know you're not alone, I have been separated from my ex for over 5 months, and overall, doing pretty well. I woke up in a panic the other night, and would have sworn that he was in my room, and had laid down on the bed next to me. Needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep that night. I have no idea where it came from, and know now, that I have to be prepared for such things from time to time!

Not that you asked, however, have you considered discontinuing contact with him, and anyone remotely associated with him as well? I know for myself, that is necessary. I don't want any link at all via phone, email, facebook, etc. It is all bad for me, and just getting rid of it has been very helpful. I still manage to encounter links in the oddest ways, however, they are purely coincidental, and bound to happen in the course of life. I just have done everything possible to reduce the number of links, and want to keep it that way!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[bpdspell]

You seem to be pretty clear about never going back but there's possibly some fleas    or a touch of PSTD that's causing the sleeplessness/insomnia/anxiety. Experiencing sleeplessness is pretty common. I think the body/mind connection tends to feel the trauma more once it's safe to express itself.

I broke up with my ex and made the swift decision to go NC. The first two weeks I was confident in my decision and felt relieved to be out of the madness. A month in I began to crumble as the feelings of abandonment, rejection and deep emptiness overwhelmed me. It was my grief coming to collect and without my therapist and BPD family I would have remained lost, angry, resentful, seething, bitter and broken all while trying to function in my daily life.

Are you seeing a therapist? If you aren't I think that would help you to sort out whatever bottled up feelings you have about the relationship and what you've experienced.

Spell

[mango_flower]

Yep - up and down, up and down.  The set backs are less frequent but I do still get very dark days.  My poor overloaded brain seems to keep deciding to process it, and process it some more, and some more... .

Hang in there.  These triggers (such as the fb statuses of the ex before you) are just that.  It's almost impossible I know, but try not to look... . distract, distract, distract.

x