We've got a great workshop on boundaries here... .
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence... . and an extra one for working through examples here as well... .
BOUNDARIES: Case studies But I don't know if you will really feel able to use boundaries in this case or not. Let me explain:
Rules are where you say something like "You can't be in a r/s with another guy" If you impose a rule like that, it is her choice whether to follow the rule (what you want) or break the rule (what she has been doing)
Boundaries (as a tool we use here, anyway) are different: They are in a form like this: "If you do X, I will do Y to protect myself."
One that many here have used is "If you verbally abuse me, I will go away (temporarily) to protect myself." That one is clear, (relatively) easy, and effective.
The important difference here is that your partner gets to decide whether she wants to engage in the behavior or not. Then you decide to enforce the boundary (the consequence part). She has no choice in whether you leave or not. She can keep on sputtering and raging at empty space after you leave, if she wants, but she cannot bring you back to yell at. Notice the power and choice YOU have in this version.
The only consequence I've thought of so far is leaving the r/s with her if she is also involved with another guy. Actually one member did move out in circumstances like that, although I believe the relationship is still continuing, with more distance. This boundary would protect you, but you may not be comfortable with it.
Should I be setting the boundaries now - saying NO to these other relationships? I have told her to stop before I knew about her BPD and it didn't help... . or do I allow the therapy process to begin working and then enforce these boundaries? I want my wife/life back... . and if that means I need to just 'Cowboy Up' and take the pain for a while... . I'll do it. If I need to be stopping this now; I'll do that to.
Sometimes reality really sucks. This is one of them. You cannot "stop this."
You cannot control her actions. You can accept this, or fight this reality, it won't change the reality. It will make a big difference to you whether you accept it or fight it, though. This workshop on radical acceptance might help you.
Radical Acceptance for family members GK
