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Author Topic: Where to go from here?  (Read 631 times)
byasliver
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« on: June 18, 2013, 09:38:37 PM »

I started to post this in "Leaving" but that's not really where I'm at. I am still 100% committed to doing anything and everything possible to save my marriage. However, I have come to the realization that the r/s we had is over. Completely. We either start anew from here and try to build a new relationship or we call it quits. I have done my part - I have busted my *ss as far as the r/s goes while he has only done the bare minimum. I am still working on myself and will continue to do so but I realize I have done as much as I can do to improve my behavior in the r/s. I feel nothing for the person he is right now. The ONLY thing keeping me here is my commitment to the marriage. And, if I'm being completely honest, if it weren't for our son, I might not even feel that. I'm not crying over this - I'm not sad or depressed - I just accept it. But where do I go from here?

I know the answer... . I just have to accept the loss of that last bit of control. I am worth more than what I am getting from this r/s and I deserve more. But it's not only up to me to make this work. I have to set and enforce a boundary here - insist that he step up and do his part or leave. It's not an ultimatum, though he will probably take it that way. It just is what it is. I deserve more and won't settle for less any longer. But I don't have the control to make him do his part. I have to accept that he will do whatever he chooses and that may not be to work on our marriage. I haven't failed if that's the choice he makes - expecting more for myself is not failure.

I searched the boards for a similar story but didn't find one. I truly hope someone can give me some encouragement, some understanding, some emotional support - maybe someone out there has been where I am and come out the other side - either with or without their partner.
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cult
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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2013, 10:04:27 PM »

I started to post this in "Leaving" but that's not really where I'm at. I am still 100% committed to doing anything and everything possible to save my marriage. However, I have come to the realization that the r/s we had is over. Completely. We either start anew from here and try to build a new relationship or we call it quits. I have done my part - I have busted my *ss as far as the r/s goes while he has only done the bare minimum. I am still working on myself and will continue to do so but I realize I have done as much as I can do to improve my behavior in the r/s. I feel nothing for the person he is right now. The ONLY thing keeping me here is my commitment to the marriage. And, if I'm being completely honest, if it weren't for our son, I might not even feel that. I'm not crying over this - I'm not sad or depressed - I just accept it. But where do I go from here?

I know the answer... . I just have to accept the loss of that last bit of control. I am worth more than what I am getting from this r/s and I deserve more. But it's not only up to me to make this work. I have to set and enforce a boundary here - insist that he step up and do his part or leave. It's not an ultimatum, though he will probably take it that way. It just is what it is. I deserve more and won't settle for less any longer. But I don't have the control to make him do his part. I have to accept that he will do whatever he chooses and that may not be to work on our marriage. I haven't failed if that's the choice he makes - expecting more for myself is not failure.

I searched the boards for a similar story but didn't find one. I truly hope someone can give me some encouragement, some understanding, some emotional support - maybe someone out there has been where I am and come out the other side - either with or without their partner.

Here is the encouragement, understanding and emotional support you need. I am in pretty much exactly the same place. I've been in a lot of pain today but after a long phone call with my mother and a good Al-Anon meeting, I'm in a better place at the moment.

Like you, I have been forced to accept that the r/s my partner and I shared is gone and is never coming back. The loving, attentive, caring woman I married at the deepest level of my soul has turned into a selfish, conniving user. The dream has become a nightmare. I'm terrified by the thought of being in my mid-40s and trying to find a second love. I'm devastated by the realization that my "perfect" r/s, the one that was supposed to provide me with the comfort and warmth I never had as a child, forever and ever, has turned into the worst r/s I have ever had (and I had some doozies in the past).

I've also busted my butt to make this r/s work. I've worked two jobs, 80 hours a week, while my partner sat on the couch and surfed Facebook and babysat her sister's kids for free. I forgave her when she said that "if she was going to be a housewife, it may as well be to a man." I forgave her later when she created a blog and said unforgivable things about me and my family - the family that took her in as one of their own when her family wanted nothing to do with her. I shouldn't have. The majority of my choices in this r/s came from a place of horrible self-esteem and raging codependency. They still do, but I am slowly starting to turn myself around.

Like you, my commitment to the r/s is why I am still here. My partner is a stranger. In many ways I feel that the person I married years ago died and was replaced by a body double without the heart and soul. But I made a promise and dang it, I intend to keep it. That's been my MO. UNLIKE you I am very depressed, sad and tearful, especially today - I think because I am starting to break through my bulletproof exterior and codependency and really experience how unhappy I am.

FINALLY I also have to set and enforce a boundary. I'm not sure what that is yet. Everyone IRL tells me I need to kick her out as she is contributing nothing to my life either financially or emotionally. And intellectually I know that they are right, but I am ruled by my heart and my heart is kinder to her than it is to myself. At least, right now. I'm not out the other side yet but I suspect we are on a similar journey, and I hope that we can help each other through it.

We deserve better and if our current partners cannot treat us with the respect, love and kindness we need, someone else will - starting with ourselves. And I need to hear that as much as you. Hope this helped.

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raindancer
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« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2013, 11:17:35 PM »

I hope both of you byasliver and Cult can find something in this.

My current r/s aside - it has it's own problems... .

I was married for over 16 yrs (exH may have been BPD, he fits every characteristic and adds a few). He would be similar to byasliver's H but he was never in combat. We were happy together at first then he turned into someone else as soon as we got married. He raged everyday, he ruined holidays, birthdays, every (non-existent) Mother's Day etc. He did work when it was sunny. He was physically, emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive - and we had a sexless r/s for over 8 yrs. He was rarely home, rarely parented - when he was home he would be either in a rage or silent or insulting or mean to me and our kids.

I left him 2 yrs into the marriage, he turned to my family and friends to help him get us back home (he turned into a saint, caring, loving, attentive, went to anger management, changed his ways). I went back and within 24 hrs he resumed his old behavior toward us.

The last 4 yrs together I felt like I was merely existing, routine. I had no friends, no family to turn to anymore because he'd raged and/or threatened all of them - the last of our neighbors who would speak to me, he raged at and threatened and she would no longer speak to me. I did not go anywhere without him, not even the grocery store or bank. I never dressed in anything nice, never did my hair, could not wear make-up - he'd accuse me of having an affair. If we went somewhere and he caught a man glancing at me he'd accuse me of knowing him... .

He started showing up at home unexpectedly when he was supposed to be working. If I was on the phone, he'd rage. I was not allowed to have internet because when we did he became suspicious and installed a monitor that he'd check every night. I did not have a car. I did work but every time I'd have a job, he'd start to get suspicious and he'd start accusing me of having a bf at work - once he threatened my boss so I got fired. He booby trapped the house in different ways to see if anyone came or left. Put in security cameras and he'd watch those too. It was bad... .

My world was our home and our children. It shrank more and more all the time.

Needless to say, I became very depressed, gained a lot of weight, was on eggshells 24/7, was at wits end. Most days I'd sit at the kitchen table looking out the window waiting for the kids to come home (the best part of the day), I'd be happy but then I'd hear him pull up out front and the routine would start. He'd get through dinner and then he'd find that one thing - something someone said, or the one thing he thought wasn't done right and fireworks.

The last yr, his rages always turned violent. Once he raged at me in a parking lot so bad people were watching to see if he'd hit me.

TBH - I started thinking the only way out was dying - he'd never change (even if I'd have known about BPD back then it still wouldn't have changed). I wasn't even co-dependent - I was far beyond co-dependent to being catatonic... . a robot, an emotionless, lifeless robot.

I went for my yearly - and got a call saying I had a lump. They biopsied it - and I had cancer.

In that 4-minute phone-call I knew that the one thing I wanted to do was live. I left him three weeks later.

My ex-H may or may not be BPD. I just know being with him was hell on earth.

My message to both of you is: you have one chance at life.  Find in your heart how you want to live it and  live it for you. With or without the partner.


My current r/s is not perfect - in fact far from. But it's freedom compared to where I was.
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byasliver
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« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2013, 12:12:28 AM »

   to you both! Oddly, I am on cloud 9 right now! How crazy is that? I don't know what will happen with my H but I know THIS is not what I deserve. I won't leave him but I won't stand for the bare minimum anymore. If he can't give more, then he leaves. Either way, I know I gave it my ALL and I am proud of who I am and the wife I have been. If he leaves, I don't know that I'll ever have another relationship. I don't "need" that like I once did. I know I won't look for it. The freedom I feel is nothing short of amazing!

raindancer, my heart goes out to you. I hope there is a happy ending to your cancer story. I also had to have a biopsy once. It was "inconclusive" and I'm still being watched carefully but nothing substantial... . yet. Breast cancer doesn't run in my family but that isn't a prerequisite. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

cult, this may sound harsh but stop looking at your partner or your r/s for answers. Look at yourself. YOU are a wonderful person who deserves all this world has to offer. Accept and believe that and the rest starts to be easy!
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raindancer
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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2013, 08:30:52 AM »



"raindancer, my heart goes out to you. I hope there is a happy ending to your cancer story."

Thank you byasliver - tbh the cancer in my body was the happy answer to the story. It gave me the reason to find the strength to leave him, the cancer in my life  Smiling (click to insert in post)

To be free of his abuse, to live what's left of this life for me and the kids.

It opened my eyes to what was really going on and what my life had become at the time; and it gave me the fight I needed to be able to make the necessary changes to make life better for the kids and me. That change, for me, had to be that I left him... . everything that's come since - the treatments etc. - serve to remind me that yes it is cancer I'm fighting in my body, but it's mine to fight and it's not near as bad as the cancer he was. Yes, eventually it might kill me, but with him I was already the walking dead.

my heart goes out to you too byasliver - the ups and downs I read in your posts about your r/s w/ your H and that you've been standing for "the bare minimum". You do deserve more in a r/s, you deserve more in life. Everyone deserves more than the bare minimum.

I started to post this in "Leaving" but that's not really where I'm at. I am still 100% committed to doing anything and everything possible to save my marriage. However, I have come to the realization that the r/s we had is over. Completely. We either start anew from here and try to build a new relationship or we call it quits. I have done my part - I have busted my *ss as far as the r/s goes while he has only done the bare minimum. I am still working on myself and will continue to do so but I realize I have done as much as I can do to improve my behavior in the r/s. I feel nothing for the person he is right now. The ONLY thing keeping me here is my commitment to the marriage. And, if I'm being completely honest, if it weren't for our son, I might not even feel that. I'm not crying over this - I'm not sad or depressed - I just accept it. But where do I go from here?

I know the answer... . I just have to accept the loss of that last bit of control. I am worth more than what I am getting from this r/s and I deserve more. But it's not only up to me to make this work. I have to set and enforce a boundary here - insist that he step up and do his part or leave. It's not an ultimatum, though he will probably take it that way. It just is what it is. I deserve more and won't settle for less any longer. But I don't have the control to make him do his part. I have to accept that he will do whatever he chooses and that may not be to work on our marriage. I haven't failed if that's the choice he makes - expecting more for myself is not failure.

I searched the boards for a similar story but didn't find one. I truly hope someone can give me some encouragement, some understanding, some emotional support - maybe someone out there has been where I am and come out the other side - either with or without their partner.

When I read your posts, it brings me back to the days I was in that house with my exH - living with the bare minimum. I spent all those years hoping to get back the life we once had (there was a time when I thought it was amazingly good too) only to end up being an empty shell, working my *ss off for a marriage that had become about not disrupting the kids' lives and hoping he'd recognise what he had and what he was doing to us/our kids/me.

It got the point where I'd cling to the good moments (the hour or two when the kids would get home from school, a few hours after he'd go to sleep at night) to feel good, to be determined to be on cloud 9, to plot a new course for our r/s that included more than him... . and I was of the mindset that if he couldn't give more, he could leave... .

If he leaves, I don't know that I'll ever have another relationship. I don't "need" that like I once did. I know I won't look for it. The freedom I feel is nothing short of amazing!

My current r/s I didn't look for - it happened when it was the last thing I was looking for, and it has evolved into what it is. It has its good points and it has its bad - I recognise both. It's only been the last few months that I've had an understanding of BPD, so I feel like I should give this a chance to see where it goes. There have been a lot of rapid-fire things to get through recently and he's in T. My pwBPD is open to working through all of this, he recognises what is him and what he has to do to make his own life better. And I know the only person I can work on is me; he has to do his own work, which he is doing. I think the biggest difference between this r/s and my marriage is that I now know that if I had the strength to fight both cancers, then I also have the strength to decide if I want to stay in this. I'm still deciding... . and if I stay/go it will be my choice.

I share my story of "coming out the other side" w/ my exH only to give you the encouragement, the understanding and the emotional support you ask for.

I do wish you the best, byasliver, in making your choices... .  
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2013, 12:33:43 PM »



Thanks for this post everyone... . It's sounds the life that I'm currently living

I guess I want to know when is e time to throw in the towel?

Part of me wants to mend him, the other part of me wants to be free and again.

He tell me daily that it is over. N I'm not the one he wants to spend the rest of hid ers life with. N randomly wake me in the middle of the night to hv sex, sometimes with a happy ending. N most times, he will create drama towards the end and always apologized for initiating sex, he regretted it... .
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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2013, 12:35:57 PM »

Apologies for the typos n missing words... . darn phone! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2013, 02:17:44 PM »

I'm sorry the relationship you had is over. I can definitely relate to that, I remember grieving the relationship I thought I had which turned out to be nothing but a mirage.

And I think you've shown some amazing progress and insight in the time you've posted here  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Good luck going forward, whichever direction that may be! Expecting more for yourself is not a failure, it's very healthy I think.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
byasliver
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« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2013, 08:09:25 PM »

Oddly enough, even though I haven't had the chance to sit down and talk with my H he has been rather nice and even a bit thoughtful today.  He didn't even play his online game as much.
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2013, 01:58:37 AM »

Hmmm... . pulling you in?
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2013, 08:44:02 PM »

byasliver, I always seem to root for a r/s to heal and people to stay together happily ever after, regardless of how likely that is Smiling (click to insert in post)

Even more, I root for people to find themselves. And your resolve here sounds FANTASTIC. Knowing that you deserve better makes a huge difference.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Don't lose that part of yourself, no matter how good or bad he is!
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byasliver
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« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2013, 09:05:49 PM »

GreyKitty, it's amazing how my new outlook and emotional freedom has helped me be so much more calm. H has been fairly calm and even helpful at times this weekend but I don't really know if it was MY new attitude or the fact that I was sick. I've been getting sick after eating at times lately and it happened again Thursday night. I went in for allergy testing on Friday and they determined that I am allergic to peppers. I have been sick all weekend (56 skin pricks and 19 shots with allergens to determine what was going on - all those allergens made me sick as a dog!) and he was being, at a minimum, understanding about my condition.
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empathic
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« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2013, 12:14:51 PM »

Like you, I have been forced to accept that the r/s my partner and I shared is gone and is never coming back. The loving, attentive, caring woman I married at the deepest level of my soul has turned into a selfish, conniving user. The dream has become a nightmare. I'm terrified by the thought of being in my mid-40s and trying to find a second love. I'm devastated by the realization that my "perfect" r/s, the one that was supposed to provide me with the comfort and warmth I never had as a child, forever and ever, has turned into the worst r/s I have ever had (and I had some doozies in the past).

I've also busted my butt to make this r/s work. I've worked two jobs, 80 hours a week, while my partner sat on the couch and surfed Facebook and babysat her sister's kids for free. I forgave her when she said that "if she was going to be a housewife, it may as well be to a man." I forgave her later when she created a blog and said unforgivable things about me and my family - the family that took her in as one of their own when her family wanted nothing to do with her. I shouldn't have. The majority of my choices in this r/s came from a place of horrible self-esteem and raging codependency. They still do, but I am slowly starting to turn myself around.

Like you, my commitment to the r/s is why I am still here. My partner is a stranger. In many ways I feel that the person I married years ago died and was replaced by a body double without the heart and soul. But I made a promise and dang it, I intend to keep it. That's been my MO. UNLIKE you I am very depressed, sad and tearful, especially today - I think because I am starting to break through my bulletproof exterior and codependency and really experience how unhappy I am.

Yes, exactly this. My uBPDw feels like a stranger to me now. The attractive, funny, vulnerable girl she was when I met her is not there anymore. The girl who several times came back crying from meeting with her family, and who was close to breaking contact with her family at one point. Sure, there were red flags back then, several - but the good times were so good and she seemed apologetic after any incident. Nowadays she's reached a level where she feels she is right about everything, so never apologizes - and it's a lot harder to deal with.

My family also took her in as one of their own. But something changed when we had children, as she then grew closer to her own family. Now she shares the exact same values as her mother and brother, which means among other things putting money in front of relations. It's like she never fully developed an independent personality.

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